CM Fic: Emily/JJ: Hallelujah: Chaps 1-3
Title: Halelujah
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Paring: Emily/JJ
Rating: Pg ish I think
Summary:
Disclaimer: Don't own anything
AN: My very first CM fic I ever wrote, It shames me greatly to read it now, it seems so sloppy, i must fix it up properly! Reposting here in correct order with working links :) as lynders11 kindly pointed out to me that my previous postings of this story are an incredible incomplete mess :) What can I say, LJ hates me! Anyway, nothing new here yet, though I read it again tonight and now i'm in the mood to finish it i think. So who knows.
Dedication: Written for kassandra_luem who introduced me to Emily and JJ:) I will never forget you.
Special Thanks to lostnfoundcause who patiently read all my drafts and encouraged me all the way through:)
Chapter 1
JJ
You feel awkward somehow, entering the building. You've entered it a thousand times. But something is different. And it's not the building. It's you. You're not the same person anymore. You're not JJ anymore.
You missed this place, more than you thought you would. You missed the job, the satisfaction of doing it well, your team, your family. You didn't realise that four weeks away would be so hard. Maybe it was so difficult because you knew that when you returned things would have changed. Things would keep changing. Will wants you to move to New Orleans. How could he ask you to leave all this behind? Your job? Your family? But you quickly remind yourself that Will is your family now. He is supposed to be first place in your life. Not a job, not your team, not Emily.
If you're honest with yourself, you missed her most of all. You're dying to see her. To reassure yourself that nothing has changed. You haven't lost her. Why should things have to change just because you got married? Why should it affect your friendship? And yet she seemed so distant. She told you that she was giving you space. And you went along with it. After all she had a point, Will was your finance. You needed to give him attention. Yet you didn't want to. You wanted to plead with her to come back into your life. To tell her you missed her constant companionship. To let things be the way they had been before.
"Welcome back Mrs LaMontagne. How was the honeymoon?" Your colleagues greet you. You shudder each and every time one of them calls you that ridiculous name. And they keep it up for the whole morning as if it's the funniest joke that they ever heard. You don't want to draw any attention to yourself by making a big thing about it. But God you just want to be JJ again.
You notice instantly that Emily isn't here. You're always been acutely, instinctively aware of her presence or absence. You've always wondered if she felt it the same way. It makes you feel self conscious. And so you don't ask anyone about her. You spend your time wondering where she is or what she is doing. Didn't she want to be here on your first day back? Is she working on a case? Is she taking the day off? This thought unsettles you. That she might have some sort of plans that you don't know about. That she would be doing something without you and the team. You realise it is ridiculous and petty and jealous. Why shouldn't Emily have a life away from this office? You do.
Finally when you can't stand it anymore, you stroll casually over to Garcia at her desk and ask "Hey, where is Emily?"
Garcia swings her head abruptly to look at you- she seems surprised at your question. She is silent, and you think for a moment that she hasn't heard you. You are about to repeat the question.
"JJ" She begins. Her tone alarms you instantly. Serious and kind, as if she is about to tell you some very bad news. But she tells you nothing. She just asks softly "What do you mean?"
Emily
You are utterly alone as you walk. It's far too cold for any sensible person to be out walking the streets. There once was a time you considered yourself a sensible person; that time has passed. You find it somehow peaceful, this intense, bitter cold. It is so cold it's painful, every inch of your body is aching- and it feels so good. And then slowly you feel your extremities becoming immune to the cold. Your limbs grow numb, heavy. You long for numbness to overtake your mind the way it has your body. There must be a point when this escalating unrelenting pain ceases to touch you, a point where it's just not possible to hurt anymore. You want to find that place.
You're tired. But you keep walking. Lifting your heavy feet and moving forward. One foot in front of the other. Because to stop means giving up... Hope.
You despise hope. And yet you cling tighter each day. You wish you could let it go. Because the tighter you hold, the more its gonna hurt when its ripped away from you. You wonder why you cling so furiously to hope? You know that hope is just a cruel trick to teach you to hold onto something that isn't even there. That was never there.
Where did this inextinguishable hope come from, Emily? Who taught you to cling to hope like that? What has hope ever done for you? Just give up, Emily. Let go.
But you can not.
You have nothing to lose now. That's dangerous. You'd sacrifice anything. Even your dignity- which is the last thing of value that you possess. You're in a dark place. So dark you can't breathe. But you know it would take only the tiniest fraction of light to dispel the darkness. You know it wouldn't cost her anything to give that to you. Just to hear her voice, to see her one last time. That's all it would take and you wouldn't be in the darkness anymore. You can't stop longing for that. You'd do anything. It's irresistible. Even though you tell yourself that she's happy. You tell yourself to leave her alone. You tell yourself you're making a fool of yourself. But you have nothing to lose. That's why you went to see her. That's why you called her. That's why you're waiting here for her.
You know she isn't coming, but you're still waiting.
Chapter 2: Chapter 2
Chapter 2
JJ
"What do you mean, what do I mean?" You raise your voice. Quickly you pull yourself together and try to sound calm, as if you don't really care. "I just wondered where Emily was this morning?"
"I thought she told you." Garcia answers. Despite all the questions you've asked, you realise that Garcia has yet to give you one single word that resembles an answer.
"Obviously she didn't." You're angry now. Angry at Garcia for not giving you a straight answer. Angry at Emily for not being here, angry that you don't know what's going on.
Garcia motions for you to sit. "Emily...." she began "doesn't work here anymore. "
"What?" you gasp.
"She resigned. Two weeks ago."
"She what?" You realise you sound like an idiot. But you are truly speechless. "Emily resigned? Why?"
Garcia looks at you for a long time. "What do you mean why?" She asks finally.
You're confused. And frustrated. You've obviously missed something big.
"What happened?"
Garcia is still looking at you like you have two heads, like you should somehow know the answers. And you realise Garcia is right- Emily is your best friend. You should know something like this. You shouldn't have to be here begging and pleading for scraps of information about your best friend.
"Come on JJ." Garcia looks away, as if she feels too uncomfortable to continue.
"You just let her leave just like that, why didn't you stop her?" You continue. Nothing about this makes any sense at all.
Garcia stops and considers your question. "I wanted to stop her." You can see Garcia means this, and you know that she is close with Emily. You can see that Garcia is upset about Emily leaving. It still makes no sense to you. "I'm not sure I could have stopped her, JJ. I'm not sure it was my place to try." She finishes, almost accusingly. As if it was your place to stop her. How could you when you weren't here? You were on your honeymoon. How could you when you didn't know anything about it? You still know nothing.
Garcia continued "If you'd seen the look in her eyes, how hard it was for her to leave. But she wanted to go, how could I make it harder for her. I had to let her go. You have to let her go, JJ."
This makes no sense to you. In one breath she seems to be condemning you for not being the one to stop Emily leaving, and now she is telling you just let it go.
You won't let Emily go. You can't. Not without getting to the bottom of this.
"I need to speak to her." You say. You need to talk some sense into her. You need a straight answer, and Garcia isn't giving it to you. You need a reason. You just… need to see Emily.
You feel Garcia's hand on your arm pulling you to a stop, and her voice harsh. "Just think about it, JJ. Think about what you're doing, yeah?"
Emily
Today is your birthday; today you wish you'd never been born. You look back at your footprints in the snow. Where have you come from? Where are you going? Fresh falling snow covers over your tracks as if you'd never even been here. You are insignificant, forgotten, and unnoticed, Emily.
It hurts a lot to be insignificant, forgotten, unnoticed, by someone you will never forget, who is the most significant person in your life. Who you never could forget- even if you wanted to. And sometimes you want that badly.
You realise you will never be good enough. Not good enough for your mother. Not good enough for JJ. Not good enough to even measure up to your own expectations. You add 'inadequate' to your list. You are insignificant, forgotten, unnoticed and inadequate, Emily Prentiss. Your job was the one thing you were genuinely proud of. And you just threw that away. What is left? Who is left? Who would miss you? Who would even notice you're not here anymore?
You feel the phone vibrate in your pocket. Why did you even bring it with you? You're such a fool, Emily. Still hoping. You can't quite close the door. Even though JJ didn't blink as she slammed it shut in your face. You are still waiting for her. You're scared to look at the message. That bitter disappointment is going to sting so badly. You want to hold tight to that hope, just for a little longer.
You picture the message in your mind. Its nothing big. Not 'I love you' or 'I miss you' or even 'I'm sorry'. Just something simple. Just 'Hey Em, Happy Birthday, JJ.' It seems the perfect excuse for her to make contact. If she wanted to. Does she even remember it's your birthday?
'Happy Birthday." You mumble to yourself, wondering if you've ever really had a 'happy' birthday.
During childhood you were always showered with expensive gifts, thrown extravagant parties with immaculately dressed, well behaved children. You had everything money could buy. But it meant nothing. As you grew older you stopped celebrating. You'd rather forget the fact that another year had come and gone and you had so little to show for it.
But then there was last year. You smile as you remember. All of your colleagues remembered your birthday, even though you were only new to the department. Remembering your birthday was more than your own parents managed each year. You arrived at work to find flowers on your desk from the team. All day long everyone was extra nice to you; making coffee for you and buying you lunch. You really didn't know how to take all the attention. It was foreign to you, and it embarrassed you. And JJ baked you a cake. She had gone home the night before to her kitchen and in her own time actually made a cake with her own two hands. Even your mother had never done such a thing.
You cherished that cake, more than the perfect shop bought cakes your mother had ordered year after year. You loved it because it was from her heart, because it showed that she had thought of you. Even though the icing was uneven, and even though you felt old as JJ published your age on the cake top with purple icing. It was the most perfect thing anyone ever did for you. You all went out for drinks after work. It was the best birthday ever, celebrating with people who loved you, who accepted you, who wanted to wish you well and share the joy of your birthday with you. That was how you had always imagined a birthday should be as you grew up. And yet if someone had asked you as a child what you felt was missing from your birthday, you wouldn't have been able to pin point it. Now you knew- It was being with people who loved and accepted you.
But there will never be another birthday like that one. Not now. You've made sure of that. And now that you've experienced a family like this, it seems somehow so impossible to go on alone. You wish you'd never got that job, never become part of the team, never met JJ. How could you go back to being insignificant, forgotten and unnoticed after they have made you part of their family? How could you go on unloved now that you finally know what love feels like?
Chapter 3: Chapter 3
Chapter 3
JJ
You realise instantly as you arrive at Emily's place that something isn't right. You can feel it, she's not there. She's gone. Not just gone out for the day. Gone. You force your way inside. It isn't hard. Everything is gone. Furniture, belongings. Everything that made the place 'Emily's'. Your heart skips a beat. Something is very wrong.
You phone Garcia. "All her stuff is gone." You tell her, wondering if Garcia already knew this. She seems surprised though, and you manage to convince her to track Emily down. She hangs up promising to get back to you.
The phone rings again almost as soon as you hang up. "Emily?" You breathe as you answer it. 'Just let it be Emily, let her be ok.' You plead.
You're greeted with an exasperated sigh at the other end of the phone. "No Jennifer, it's Will, your husband."
You're so disappointed that you barely notice his irritation at the way you answered the phone with Emily's name.
"I can't talk now, Emily is missing." You explain.
"For Christ's sake Jennifer!" He yells. You're shocked by his tone.
"What?" You manage to ask, too shocked to be angry at the way he yelled at you.
"Can't that woman leave us alone?" He demands.
"Will, she's my best friend, and she has vanished. What do you want me to do? Just ignore it?" You wonder why you bother justifying this to him. You want to hang up. But something sits uneasily with you- just why is he so angry?
"Wake up, Jennifer. She is playing games with you. She wants your constant attention. She's jealous. Come home to me, let her be. I already told her twice this week to get a life and leave us alone. "
"You told her what?!"
"She called the other day, and came over yesterday, looking for you. We've only been married five minutes; I told her to get lost. Leave us in peace. Honestly, any one would think you're married to her!"
Emily came over? To talk to you? And Will sent her away? How could he say those things? Emily is your best friend; she is part of your life. She came to see you, she needed you. He sent her away. And now she's gone.
You hang up without saying goodbye. You don't have time for this, you need to find Emily, and Will isn't going to help or support you.
Your phone rings again. You're hoping its Emily, dreading its Will. It's Garcia. She doesn't speak for a moment.
"Well?" You ask.
"I have a location"
You wait, more silence.
"Are you going to tell me?" You ask, scared for a moment that she isn't.
"I promised Emily I wouldn't try to track her down. I gave my word. I hope you know what you're doing, JJ."
"What is up with you? What is that supposed to mean?"
"Open your eyes, JJ. Stop thinking about yourself, and think about Emily."
"I am thinking about Emily!" You protest. You think of nothing but Emily.
"You could convince her to come back. You're the only one who probably could. But be sure you want it. Be sure you mean the things you say."
"What things?" You demand. What on earth is she talking about? Of course you want Emily back, doesn't everyone want Emily back?
"You'll have to figure that out for yourself, JJ. Just be gentle. And be honest, with yourself and with Emily."
"Alright" You agree, and Garcia gives you the details of Emily's location.
Emily
You stop walking, finally unable to go on, and sit in the snow, pulling your knees close to your chest to keep warm. 'Its ok Emily,' you tell yourself, 'This will be your last birthday; you'll never have to live through another one.'
You listened patiently as the Dr explained the diagnosis to you. It seemed perfect somehow. And he looked at you strangely as a sad but peaceful smile crept across your face. You wanted to make it easy for him. Tell him it as ok that you were dying. You were dead inside already. Your heart has already been shattered. There is nothing any Dr could tell you, nothing any disease could do to you that could do any more damage. There was nothing left that could hurt or frighten you. In fact you welcomed death, respite from the anguish of living like this. Forgotten. You wonder if that is what they will write on your tombstone. 'Here lies Emily Prentice. Insignificant,. Forgotten. Unnoticed. Inadequate. Unloved'. You wished many times that you possessed the strength in you to give up hope all together and end things. But now you wouldn't have to. Sometimes things work out for a reason. It all seemed perfect.
The Dr explained about treatments, to buy time, maybe even a few years, to make things easier, but you had no interest in his treatments. You saw no purpose. The Dr told you to get your affairs in order. What affairs? What did you have left to do? You resigned from your job. That was your only commitment. And so now you sit. In the snow. With nothing left to do. Just dream. And hope. And wait. And you're still waiting for her.
You are desperate to see JJ one more time. To say goodbye. And you tried, even though you told yourself you were being foolish and unfair. She was happy, leave her be. You couldn't let go without trying. But she didn't care anymore. She had no room in her life for you. And you hated yourself for being so weak and pathetic to go running to her for help.
And even as you sit berating yourself for calling, for going to her house, you can't stop thinking about her. You're still here longing for her, wishing she was here. Waiting for her to call you.
Finally, curiosity overwhelms you, and with a trembling cold hand you reach in and pull the phone from your pocket. You close your eyes; you need it to be from her. Just a few words. Just something.
Familiar disappointment floods you as you realise the message isn't from her. It's from Garcia. You don't even open it; you throw the phone into the snow. You feel bad momentarily. Garcia is a good friend to you. How could a message from a friend make you feel so bad? So angry, frustrated, so alone and broken. Just because it isn't from JJ? How did your whole life disintegrate to this point where nothing but JJ could reach you? And anyone that tried only earned your resentment. You are so pathetic, Emily. Unnoticed, Forgotten, Inadequate, Unloved. Pathetic. But you try not to worry about it, you won't be around much longer so there isn't much point changing your personality now, even if you had the energy to.
You've been somehow hanging out hoping JJ would call you. You convinced yourself this message was from her. It would have been all ok if that one message was from her. But it was Garcia. And somehow this made it finally sink in. It's not JJ. She hasn't called. She isn't going to. Give up, Emily. You think to yourself it's just too late now. Even if she was standing here in person right now telling you that she loved you. How could you forgive her for these months, the way she shut you out, completely oblivious to the pain she caused you. It wasn't her fault, you remind yourself, it was you who had such unreasonable expectations. But still you're bitter.
Somehow you expect her to know, just to know that you need her so badly right now. That it's the darkest hour of your life, and all you want is for her, just for one minute, to hold your hand. How can she deny you that? Does she really not care at all if you live or die? Does she just not notice? Was any of it ever real? You believe somehow, that if you call to her, deep from your heart, you believe that she can hear you. You expect her to hear you and come to you. You know you expect too much, but you can't help it. And silently in your mind you call to her. 'Please hear me, JJ, one last time, please hear me. Please come.'
You know it's far too cold, but you can't feel it anymore. You know you should get back to the cabin before you freeze to the spot. But you are so tired. You just want to lie right where you are. Curl up and go to sleep. It would take so much effort to move. And why should you bother? You can't find one reason. You close your eyes. What would it matter if you stayed right here and never got up? She isn't coming.
You're not cold anymore. You're not anything. You don't think you exist. You wonder if this is death. You can't move. But your mind keeps turning over. You have no peace. You feel so foolish for giving everything to her. You feel so alone, so abandoned. But at the same time you want her to be here. You want to thank her for everything she brought to your life, for the best year of your life. You want to tell her you're sorry for the way you've been acting. You want to tell her to be happy. You just want to say good bye. But it's too late.
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Paring: Emily/JJ
Rating: Pg ish I think
Summary:
Disclaimer: Don't own anything
AN: My very first CM fic I ever wrote, It shames me greatly to read it now, it seems so sloppy, i must fix it up properly! Reposting here in correct order with working links :) as lynders11 kindly pointed out to me that my previous postings of this story are an incredible incomplete mess :) What can I say, LJ hates me! Anyway, nothing new here yet, though I read it again tonight and now i'm in the mood to finish it i think. So who knows.
Dedication: Written for kassandra_luem who introduced me to Emily and JJ:) I will never forget you.
Special Thanks to lostnfoundcause who patiently read all my drafts and encouraged me all the way through:)
Chapter 1
JJ
You feel awkward somehow, entering the building. You've entered it a thousand times. But something is different. And it's not the building. It's you. You're not the same person anymore. You're not JJ anymore.
You missed this place, more than you thought you would. You missed the job, the satisfaction of doing it well, your team, your family. You didn't realise that four weeks away would be so hard. Maybe it was so difficult because you knew that when you returned things would have changed. Things would keep changing. Will wants you to move to New Orleans. How could he ask you to leave all this behind? Your job? Your family? But you quickly remind yourself that Will is your family now. He is supposed to be first place in your life. Not a job, not your team, not Emily.
If you're honest with yourself, you missed her most of all. You're dying to see her. To reassure yourself that nothing has changed. You haven't lost her. Why should things have to change just because you got married? Why should it affect your friendship? And yet she seemed so distant. She told you that she was giving you space. And you went along with it. After all she had a point, Will was your finance. You needed to give him attention. Yet you didn't want to. You wanted to plead with her to come back into your life. To tell her you missed her constant companionship. To let things be the way they had been before.
"Welcome back Mrs LaMontagne. How was the honeymoon?" Your colleagues greet you. You shudder each and every time one of them calls you that ridiculous name. And they keep it up for the whole morning as if it's the funniest joke that they ever heard. You don't want to draw any attention to yourself by making a big thing about it. But God you just want to be JJ again.
You notice instantly that Emily isn't here. You're always been acutely, instinctively aware of her presence or absence. You've always wondered if she felt it the same way. It makes you feel self conscious. And so you don't ask anyone about her. You spend your time wondering where she is or what she is doing. Didn't she want to be here on your first day back? Is she working on a case? Is she taking the day off? This thought unsettles you. That she might have some sort of plans that you don't know about. That she would be doing something without you and the team. You realise it is ridiculous and petty and jealous. Why shouldn't Emily have a life away from this office? You do.
Finally when you can't stand it anymore, you stroll casually over to Garcia at her desk and ask "Hey, where is Emily?"
Garcia swings her head abruptly to look at you- she seems surprised at your question. She is silent, and you think for a moment that she hasn't heard you. You are about to repeat the question.
"JJ" She begins. Her tone alarms you instantly. Serious and kind, as if she is about to tell you some very bad news. But she tells you nothing. She just asks softly "What do you mean?"
Emily
You are utterly alone as you walk. It's far too cold for any sensible person to be out walking the streets. There once was a time you considered yourself a sensible person; that time has passed. You find it somehow peaceful, this intense, bitter cold. It is so cold it's painful, every inch of your body is aching- and it feels so good. And then slowly you feel your extremities becoming immune to the cold. Your limbs grow numb, heavy. You long for numbness to overtake your mind the way it has your body. There must be a point when this escalating unrelenting pain ceases to touch you, a point where it's just not possible to hurt anymore. You want to find that place.
You're tired. But you keep walking. Lifting your heavy feet and moving forward. One foot in front of the other. Because to stop means giving up... Hope.
You despise hope. And yet you cling tighter each day. You wish you could let it go. Because the tighter you hold, the more its gonna hurt when its ripped away from you. You wonder why you cling so furiously to hope? You know that hope is just a cruel trick to teach you to hold onto something that isn't even there. That was never there.
Where did this inextinguishable hope come from, Emily? Who taught you to cling to hope like that? What has hope ever done for you? Just give up, Emily. Let go.
But you can not.
You have nothing to lose now. That's dangerous. You'd sacrifice anything. Even your dignity- which is the last thing of value that you possess. You're in a dark place. So dark you can't breathe. But you know it would take only the tiniest fraction of light to dispel the darkness. You know it wouldn't cost her anything to give that to you. Just to hear her voice, to see her one last time. That's all it would take and you wouldn't be in the darkness anymore. You can't stop longing for that. You'd do anything. It's irresistible. Even though you tell yourself that she's happy. You tell yourself to leave her alone. You tell yourself you're making a fool of yourself. But you have nothing to lose. That's why you went to see her. That's why you called her. That's why you're waiting here for her.
You know she isn't coming, but you're still waiting.
Chapter 2: Chapter 2
Chapter 2
JJ
"What do you mean, what do I mean?" You raise your voice. Quickly you pull yourself together and try to sound calm, as if you don't really care. "I just wondered where Emily was this morning?"
"I thought she told you." Garcia answers. Despite all the questions you've asked, you realise that Garcia has yet to give you one single word that resembles an answer.
"Obviously she didn't." You're angry now. Angry at Garcia for not giving you a straight answer. Angry at Emily for not being here, angry that you don't know what's going on.
Garcia motions for you to sit. "Emily...." she began "doesn't work here anymore. "
"What?" you gasp.
"She resigned. Two weeks ago."
"She what?" You realise you sound like an idiot. But you are truly speechless. "Emily resigned? Why?"
Garcia looks at you for a long time. "What do you mean why?" She asks finally.
You're confused. And frustrated. You've obviously missed something big.
"What happened?"
Garcia is still looking at you like you have two heads, like you should somehow know the answers. And you realise Garcia is right- Emily is your best friend. You should know something like this. You shouldn't have to be here begging and pleading for scraps of information about your best friend.
"Come on JJ." Garcia looks away, as if she feels too uncomfortable to continue.
"You just let her leave just like that, why didn't you stop her?" You continue. Nothing about this makes any sense at all.
Garcia stops and considers your question. "I wanted to stop her." You can see Garcia means this, and you know that she is close with Emily. You can see that Garcia is upset about Emily leaving. It still makes no sense to you. "I'm not sure I could have stopped her, JJ. I'm not sure it was my place to try." She finishes, almost accusingly. As if it was your place to stop her. How could you when you weren't here? You were on your honeymoon. How could you when you didn't know anything about it? You still know nothing.
Garcia continued "If you'd seen the look in her eyes, how hard it was for her to leave. But she wanted to go, how could I make it harder for her. I had to let her go. You have to let her go, JJ."
This makes no sense to you. In one breath she seems to be condemning you for not being the one to stop Emily leaving, and now she is telling you just let it go.
You won't let Emily go. You can't. Not without getting to the bottom of this.
"I need to speak to her." You say. You need to talk some sense into her. You need a straight answer, and Garcia isn't giving it to you. You need a reason. You just… need to see Emily.
You feel Garcia's hand on your arm pulling you to a stop, and her voice harsh. "Just think about it, JJ. Think about what you're doing, yeah?"
Emily
Today is your birthday; today you wish you'd never been born. You look back at your footprints in the snow. Where have you come from? Where are you going? Fresh falling snow covers over your tracks as if you'd never even been here. You are insignificant, forgotten, and unnoticed, Emily.
It hurts a lot to be insignificant, forgotten, unnoticed, by someone you will never forget, who is the most significant person in your life. Who you never could forget- even if you wanted to. And sometimes you want that badly.
You realise you will never be good enough. Not good enough for your mother. Not good enough for JJ. Not good enough to even measure up to your own expectations. You add 'inadequate' to your list. You are insignificant, forgotten, unnoticed and inadequate, Emily Prentiss. Your job was the one thing you were genuinely proud of. And you just threw that away. What is left? Who is left? Who would miss you? Who would even notice you're not here anymore?
You feel the phone vibrate in your pocket. Why did you even bring it with you? You're such a fool, Emily. Still hoping. You can't quite close the door. Even though JJ didn't blink as she slammed it shut in your face. You are still waiting for her. You're scared to look at the message. That bitter disappointment is going to sting so badly. You want to hold tight to that hope, just for a little longer.
You picture the message in your mind. Its nothing big. Not 'I love you' or 'I miss you' or even 'I'm sorry'. Just something simple. Just 'Hey Em, Happy Birthday, JJ.' It seems the perfect excuse for her to make contact. If she wanted to. Does she even remember it's your birthday?
'Happy Birthday." You mumble to yourself, wondering if you've ever really had a 'happy' birthday.
During childhood you were always showered with expensive gifts, thrown extravagant parties with immaculately dressed, well behaved children. You had everything money could buy. But it meant nothing. As you grew older you stopped celebrating. You'd rather forget the fact that another year had come and gone and you had so little to show for it.
But then there was last year. You smile as you remember. All of your colleagues remembered your birthday, even though you were only new to the department. Remembering your birthday was more than your own parents managed each year. You arrived at work to find flowers on your desk from the team. All day long everyone was extra nice to you; making coffee for you and buying you lunch. You really didn't know how to take all the attention. It was foreign to you, and it embarrassed you. And JJ baked you a cake. She had gone home the night before to her kitchen and in her own time actually made a cake with her own two hands. Even your mother had never done such a thing.
You cherished that cake, more than the perfect shop bought cakes your mother had ordered year after year. You loved it because it was from her heart, because it showed that she had thought of you. Even though the icing was uneven, and even though you felt old as JJ published your age on the cake top with purple icing. It was the most perfect thing anyone ever did for you. You all went out for drinks after work. It was the best birthday ever, celebrating with people who loved you, who accepted you, who wanted to wish you well and share the joy of your birthday with you. That was how you had always imagined a birthday should be as you grew up. And yet if someone had asked you as a child what you felt was missing from your birthday, you wouldn't have been able to pin point it. Now you knew- It was being with people who loved and accepted you.
But there will never be another birthday like that one. Not now. You've made sure of that. And now that you've experienced a family like this, it seems somehow so impossible to go on alone. You wish you'd never got that job, never become part of the team, never met JJ. How could you go back to being insignificant, forgotten and unnoticed after they have made you part of their family? How could you go on unloved now that you finally know what love feels like?
Chapter 3: Chapter 3
Chapter 3
JJ
You realise instantly as you arrive at Emily's place that something isn't right. You can feel it, she's not there. She's gone. Not just gone out for the day. Gone. You force your way inside. It isn't hard. Everything is gone. Furniture, belongings. Everything that made the place 'Emily's'. Your heart skips a beat. Something is very wrong.
You phone Garcia. "All her stuff is gone." You tell her, wondering if Garcia already knew this. She seems surprised though, and you manage to convince her to track Emily down. She hangs up promising to get back to you.
The phone rings again almost as soon as you hang up. "Emily?" You breathe as you answer it. 'Just let it be Emily, let her be ok.' You plead.
You're greeted with an exasperated sigh at the other end of the phone. "No Jennifer, it's Will, your husband."
You're so disappointed that you barely notice his irritation at the way you answered the phone with Emily's name.
"I can't talk now, Emily is missing." You explain.
"For Christ's sake Jennifer!" He yells. You're shocked by his tone.
"What?" You manage to ask, too shocked to be angry at the way he yelled at you.
"Can't that woman leave us alone?" He demands.
"Will, she's my best friend, and she has vanished. What do you want me to do? Just ignore it?" You wonder why you bother justifying this to him. You want to hang up. But something sits uneasily with you- just why is he so angry?
"Wake up, Jennifer. She is playing games with you. She wants your constant attention. She's jealous. Come home to me, let her be. I already told her twice this week to get a life and leave us alone. "
"You told her what?!"
"She called the other day, and came over yesterday, looking for you. We've only been married five minutes; I told her to get lost. Leave us in peace. Honestly, any one would think you're married to her!"
Emily came over? To talk to you? And Will sent her away? How could he say those things? Emily is your best friend; she is part of your life. She came to see you, she needed you. He sent her away. And now she's gone.
You hang up without saying goodbye. You don't have time for this, you need to find Emily, and Will isn't going to help or support you.
Your phone rings again. You're hoping its Emily, dreading its Will. It's Garcia. She doesn't speak for a moment.
"Well?" You ask.
"I have a location"
You wait, more silence.
"Are you going to tell me?" You ask, scared for a moment that she isn't.
"I promised Emily I wouldn't try to track her down. I gave my word. I hope you know what you're doing, JJ."
"What is up with you? What is that supposed to mean?"
"Open your eyes, JJ. Stop thinking about yourself, and think about Emily."
"I am thinking about Emily!" You protest. You think of nothing but Emily.
"You could convince her to come back. You're the only one who probably could. But be sure you want it. Be sure you mean the things you say."
"What things?" You demand. What on earth is she talking about? Of course you want Emily back, doesn't everyone want Emily back?
"You'll have to figure that out for yourself, JJ. Just be gentle. And be honest, with yourself and with Emily."
"Alright" You agree, and Garcia gives you the details of Emily's location.
Emily
You stop walking, finally unable to go on, and sit in the snow, pulling your knees close to your chest to keep warm. 'Its ok Emily,' you tell yourself, 'This will be your last birthday; you'll never have to live through another one.'
You listened patiently as the Dr explained the diagnosis to you. It seemed perfect somehow. And he looked at you strangely as a sad but peaceful smile crept across your face. You wanted to make it easy for him. Tell him it as ok that you were dying. You were dead inside already. Your heart has already been shattered. There is nothing any Dr could tell you, nothing any disease could do to you that could do any more damage. There was nothing left that could hurt or frighten you. In fact you welcomed death, respite from the anguish of living like this. Forgotten. You wonder if that is what they will write on your tombstone. 'Here lies Emily Prentice. Insignificant,. Forgotten. Unnoticed. Inadequate. Unloved'. You wished many times that you possessed the strength in you to give up hope all together and end things. But now you wouldn't have to. Sometimes things work out for a reason. It all seemed perfect.
The Dr explained about treatments, to buy time, maybe even a few years, to make things easier, but you had no interest in his treatments. You saw no purpose. The Dr told you to get your affairs in order. What affairs? What did you have left to do? You resigned from your job. That was your only commitment. And so now you sit. In the snow. With nothing left to do. Just dream. And hope. And wait. And you're still waiting for her.
You are desperate to see JJ one more time. To say goodbye. And you tried, even though you told yourself you were being foolish and unfair. She was happy, leave her be. You couldn't let go without trying. But she didn't care anymore. She had no room in her life for you. And you hated yourself for being so weak and pathetic to go running to her for help.
And even as you sit berating yourself for calling, for going to her house, you can't stop thinking about her. You're still here longing for her, wishing she was here. Waiting for her to call you.
Finally, curiosity overwhelms you, and with a trembling cold hand you reach in and pull the phone from your pocket. You close your eyes; you need it to be from her. Just a few words. Just something.
Familiar disappointment floods you as you realise the message isn't from her. It's from Garcia. You don't even open it; you throw the phone into the snow. You feel bad momentarily. Garcia is a good friend to you. How could a message from a friend make you feel so bad? So angry, frustrated, so alone and broken. Just because it isn't from JJ? How did your whole life disintegrate to this point where nothing but JJ could reach you? And anyone that tried only earned your resentment. You are so pathetic, Emily. Unnoticed, Forgotten, Inadequate, Unloved. Pathetic. But you try not to worry about it, you won't be around much longer so there isn't much point changing your personality now, even if you had the energy to.
You've been somehow hanging out hoping JJ would call you. You convinced yourself this message was from her. It would have been all ok if that one message was from her. But it was Garcia. And somehow this made it finally sink in. It's not JJ. She hasn't called. She isn't going to. Give up, Emily. You think to yourself it's just too late now. Even if she was standing here in person right now telling you that she loved you. How could you forgive her for these months, the way she shut you out, completely oblivious to the pain she caused you. It wasn't her fault, you remind yourself, it was you who had such unreasonable expectations. But still you're bitter.
Somehow you expect her to know, just to know that you need her so badly right now. That it's the darkest hour of your life, and all you want is for her, just for one minute, to hold your hand. How can she deny you that? Does she really not care at all if you live or die? Does she just not notice? Was any of it ever real? You believe somehow, that if you call to her, deep from your heart, you believe that she can hear you. You expect her to hear you and come to you. You know you expect too much, but you can't help it. And silently in your mind you call to her. 'Please hear me, JJ, one last time, please hear me. Please come.'
You know it's far too cold, but you can't feel it anymore. You know you should get back to the cabin before you freeze to the spot. But you are so tired. You just want to lie right where you are. Curl up and go to sleep. It would take so much effort to move. And why should you bother? You can't find one reason. You close your eyes. What would it matter if you stayed right here and never got up? She isn't coming.
You're not cold anymore. You're not anything. You don't think you exist. You wonder if this is death. You can't move. But your mind keeps turning over. You have no peace. You feel so foolish for giving everything to her. You feel so alone, so abandoned. But at the same time you want her to be here. You want to thank her for everything she brought to your life, for the best year of your life. You want to tell her you're sorry for the way you've been acting. You want to tell her to be happy. You just want to say good bye. But it's too late.