CM Fic: Emily/JJ: Hallelujah: Chapters 4-6
Title: Halelujah
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Paring: Emily/JJ
Rating: Pg ish I think
Summary:
Disclaimer: Don't own anything
AN: My very first CM fic I ever wrote, It shames me greatly to read it now, it seems so sloppy, i must fix it up properly! Reposting here in correct order with working links :) as lynders11 kindly pointed out to me that my previous postings of this story are an incredible incomplete mess :) What can I say, LJ hates me! Anyway, nothing new here yet, though I read it again tonight and now i'm in the mood to finish it i think. So who knows.
Dedication: Written for kassandra_luem who introduced me to Emily and JJ:) I shall never forget you, or forget writing Emily/JJ fic on planes:)
Chapter 4: Chapter 4
Chapter 4
JJ
You follow the directions to an isolated cabin in the woods. Emily's car is parked out front. According to Garcia, the property is owned by Emily's mother. You search inside, Emily is nowhere to be seen. You stand outside scanning the horizon desperately as the icy breeze chills you to the bone. She can't be far. Her car is here. Just wait.
At first you don't notice the figure huddled in the snow. It seems unreal. It's a moment before you realise that you are running towards it. It's her.
Emily.
She is so still, so cold. It tears your heart like nothing else ever has to see her lying there. You realise in that split second that she is the most important thing in your life. That you'd sacrifice anything in that moment to have her be ok.
You kneel beside her screaming her name. "Emily! Emily?! Em! Talk to me!" You shake her and scream, and you get no response. She is curled up on her side, her arms shielding her face. Why is she lying here like this?
You feel your heart racing and you realise you're panicking. You've never lost your cool like this, not in any of the terrifying situations you've faced in your job. You take a breath. Force yourself to think. How can you help her? But all you can think is to shake her and scream and plead with her to answer you.
You roll her on to her back, and you kneel over her, brushing the snow from her face. You place your jacket over her, although you realise this does little to shield her from the cold, her own clothes are icy and wet. She is so cold, so still.
You realise you're crying as you lean over her "Emily, please!" You're crying so hard that you almost don't hear the sound that comes from her throat. You stop still for a moment, wondering if you imagined it. You wait.
"JJ?" You hear her say so softly.
That's all you needed, some sign from her.
She looks so cold, so small, so vulnerable lying in the snow like that. You can't stand to see her like this. You want to take care of her. "It's ok, everything will be ok now. I'm here, Emily."
She doesn't open her eyes, just saying your name seems to have exhausted her. You know she isn't able to stand, and you drag her into the house. You want to be gentle but there is no way that you can gently drag her inside on your own. The cabin isn't far but it seems so distant as you try to get her inside the warm.
Emily
You must be dreaming. Of course you're dreaming. JJ is here. You can hear her voice, talking to you.
"Em?" She calls you. She's never called you Em. You like it. "Can you hear me?"
You want to answer her. You can't.
You feel her hands touching you. You know they are her hands, because no one else's hands burn you like fire. You can't see her. Your eyes are closed. You don't want to open them, you don't want to wake up. But she keeps pleading with you. "Em talk to me, open your eyes."
You don't want to, but you have no power to refuse her anything, especially when she is crying. "Don't leave me Emily, please, I couldn't take that."
You struggle to open your eyes, trying to speak. Softly telling her "It's ok, don't cry."
You think about her words, 'Don't leave me Emily'. You wish you could promise her that you never will. But you can't. You never thought she would ask that of you, and now that she has, it's the one thing you can't give her.
Besides, she will get over it. She has Will. She's not your JJ anymore. It takes a minute to focus. You make out the shape of her leaning over you, her hair glowing orange in the firelight.
You know she lit the fire. You can't hear it or smell it or feel it, but everything is glowing softly orange around you.
"Hey" She smiles at you, eyes sparkling with tears. You've never seen her so intense.
You want to ask if she is really here, what she's doing here. But your teeth are chattering so violently it's almost impossible to speak. She is pulling at your wet clothes.
"Em, you have to take these off, you're freezing."
She is so close, you can feel warmth and heat radiating from her. You struggle to sit up and take off your clothes.
"Let me help" she tells you as she peels icy clothes from you, gently drying your skin. You feel her fingers lingering on your body as she does so. You tell yourself you're imagining it. She is just trying to prevent you dying from hypothermia. Your fingers are so cold they can't function, you feel like a little girl as you fumble over the buttons on the dry shirt, trying to fasten them. She reaches over to help, and you let her.
You don't feel any warmer now that you're in dry clothes, but she is pleased "There that's better." She says triumphantly, and it makes you smile. "Come here" She tells you as she wraps you in a blanket pulling you close. You feel your heart rate slow to normal, your hands stop shaking. Peace.
Her fingers are so warm against your ice cold skin. You feel electricity. She must feel that too. You take her hand in your own, and look up at her, straight in the eye. She looks away uncomfortably.
"Keep talking to me." She says "So I know you're alright." She still won't look at you, her gaze drifts to the fire place, but you look up at her, studying her reaction, as you speak.
"Tell me about your honey moon JJ." You say to her.
She looks stricken as if you slapped her. Why did you say it? She came here like you wanted. You said it was all you wanted, all you'd ask of her. But you want more. You always want more than she has to give.
Suddenly her arms are gone from around you, you're cold, alone. She stands to her feet "I think we should take you to the hospital, make sure you're alright, or call a Dr or something."
"No" You protest strongly. You've had enough of Drs, hospitals, tests and procedures.
"It's ok, I'm just cold, that's all."
"I'm not surprised you're cold." You notice the bitterness in her voice. "What were you doing out there Emily, in the snow? What are you doing here? What are you doing leaving the BAU, not even saying goodbye? What is going on Emily?"
"You know the answers JJ" You tell her, equally as bitter. Wondering if it's true. Does she know?
You've somehow reached an impasse. There isn't anywhere to go from here. No kind of sensible conversation could take place when you're both so defensive, so frightened. You wonder if she will just turn and walk out. You wonder if it's for the best.
You lie back down on the couch, pulling the blanket tight, closing your eyes, not wanting to watch her walk away, but not willing to put yourself on the line to stop her.
"Emily" she whispers softly, breaking the silence
"Yeah" you mumble,
"Happy Birthday" She whispers in your ear, kissing the top of your head.
You can't help the tears that fall, you despise them, sign of weakness. She lays back beside you, pulling you close. You never want to leave this place. Her fingers are so warm against your ice cold skin that they burn you. She must feel that too.
You are so cold, and she isn't warm enough. Not enough to keep you warm no matter how close she pulls you. She isn't warm enough to save you, not warm enough to prevent you from sucking all the heat and energy and life and happiness out of her into the cold void of darkness inside of you. You know you should stop. Tell her to stop.
But you can't
Chapter 5: Chapter 5
Chapter 5
JJ
You lie beside her, holding tightly, as if she will slip through your fingers if you don't hold tight enough. You never want to let her go. You wonder if you're hurting her. Had she always been so fragile? You'd never seen it. Suddenly this woman who you always thought of as being so strong, seems so vulnerable. Suddenly things that confused you seemed so clear.
How could you have made such a mistake? How could you be so foolish? So Blind? Not to see that this, that she, is everything. What were you doing with your life? Marrying Will?
Is that why she left the BAU? Had you hurt her that badly? Garcia's knowing eyes flash before you. Even Will had seen it "She's jealous." He had told you.
How could it be that you never saw how much she meant to you, how much you meant to her? You'd never dare to dream that she might love you. Look what you almost lost. Everything.
You feel like you're holding all the cards. That somehow you need to be the one to say something, to do something. You just don't have the first idea what it is she wants or needs from you. And so you lie still holding her close. Bury your head in her shoulder. Her back is to you and you can't see her face. You wonder what she is thinking. It feels like hours before you find the courage to speak.
"Emily," Her name feels so right on your tongue and you almost stop right there. "What were you doing, out there, in the snow?" You ask the question, but you're not sure you want to know. Or perhaps you already know deep down.
She is silent and you wonder if she heard you. You wonder if you did this. Guilt pierces you. But you remind yourself quickly that you saved her. You're the hero. You tell yourself that if you'd arrived even minutes later, it might have been too late. You would have lost her forever. It makes your heart stop beating for a second. And you console yourself that you're the hero. You're not the villain.
It frightens you when she first speaks. Her voice is so intense, yet so calm.
"It was so cold," She speaks slowly. "And I was so tired of... everything." She answers you, without really answering you at all. But you don't think you really want her to say it. Don't think you want to hear that you broke her. That you shattered her will to live, robbed her of every piece of worth. That you're the one who took that shining light out of her eyes.
"I made you feel like that." You state rather than ask.
"No." She answers. But she doesn't elaborate, and you're not convinced. You're glad you can't see into her eyes in that moment.
"What do I mean to you Emily?" You ask her.
"Everything." She answers softly, without hesitation. It's not fair of you to ask her after all that's happened, after not putting yourself on the line first. But still she answers you instantly. Honestly. Asking nothing of you in return. And you know that she would give you anything you asked of her. It makes you want to cry.
"That's what you mean to me." You whisper in her ear. "Everything."
You mean it with everything in you. And you still can't bring yourself to look her in the eye as you say it. You're relieved she is lying with her back to you. You pull her tightly towards you. You finally admitted to yourself that you love her, finally admitted it to her.
You can tell instantly she doesn't believe you. She shakes her head slightly, doesn't say a word.
Does she know how hard it was for you to realise the truth, to admit it to her? And it hurts you that she dismisses it just like that. You don't really blame her though. You wouldn't have believed it either. You were a newly married woman. You needed to convince her, you just didn't know where to begin. Your confidence began to crumble. Everything is in your hands and you just don't know what to do with it.
"You can't leave the BAU. I won't let you." You tell her, feeling the pressure to say something, anything. You really want to say 'You can't leave me, I won't let you walk away from me. I couldn't survive without you. I'll never let anything happen to you again.'
But you can't say the words. You're still holding back. You hate yourself for that. What is it you're afraid of? What could possibly scare you more than that moment you saw her lying in the snow thinking she was forever gone?
But she is holding back too, she isn't giving you much to work with. She's putting up walls to protect herself. And you don't know where to begin to knock them down. She's left you out in the cold.
Your mind is racing. All the things you need to resolve, you need to tell Will. You owe him the truth, even though you realise he already knows it. And what will happen at the BAU? You'd have to work something out. But it didn't matter. The only thing you knew for sure was that you needed her. Everything else would work itself out.
Your mind is so busy it takes you a while to realise she hasn't answered you. Maybe she is asleep. Maybe she is ignoring you. It doesn't matter, You will work it out.
"Everything will be all right Emily, as long as we're together." You whisper to her.
You've never realised how incomplete you felt your entire life, until this moment holding her in your arms. For the first time you know what it feels like to be completed by another human being. You feel that if she wasn't here anymore, that you would cease to exist somehow. That she had changed you irrevocably. It frightened you. But you realised for the first time as you held her in your arms,that it was worth it. That she was worth this, that she was worth everything.
She slept beside you so peacefully. You watched her for hours, finally breaking your embrace; you sit up and stare at her, tracing your fingers over her face. Whispering promises and declarations, things you should have said to her face when she was awake. Things you should have told her months ago.
It was the most perfect night. Unexpectedly, Undoubtedly, Unequivocally, perfect.
And when you woke in the morning, she was gone.
Emily
The snow falls thickly around you in the eerie darkness of the early morning. You're unable to see the way clearly in front of you. But you keep going, one foot in front of the other.
The keys slip from your trembling fingers as you fumble in the dark trying to open the car without waking her. You will yourself not to look over your shoulder.
Don't look back Emily.
You don't know where you're going. The direction isn't important. Any direction that takes you a step away from her is a step in the right direction.
Confusion overwhelms you. You are completely torn in two. You had wanted, desperately needed, her. And she had come to you. She held you and kissed you and told you that you meant the world to her. And you couldn't help but relish that moment.
It had felt so safe in her arms. But you also felt powerless. And you hate that she had seen you so vulnerable...so weak. It's not who you are. It was strange not being the strong one. It made you feel uneasy, it always had. But you had never realised how peaceful it could be to let someone take care of you. Thinking about it almost made you turn the car around. Longing to be back safe in her arms, believing her when she told you that, "Everything will be alright Emily." How simple it would be to believe her, to let her take care of you.
But you know you can't go back. You just can't put her through that. There is no hope for the two of you. You can't allow her to sit back and watch you slowly die. You can't allow her to jeopardise her marriage with Will for a future with you that can never be. You can't stay with her. But you can't give her a reason; you can't lie to her and tell you don't love her. You can't tell her the truth. And so you took the easy way out. You left, without saying goodbye.
Run away Emily.
You'd already been running. From the BAU, from what was left of your life, from JJ. You'd run away thinking that you meant nothing to her. It almost killed you. But this time it's different. This time you're running from her when she held you and kissed you and told you that you were everything. That was the hardest thing you had to do in your life. But you had to do it. For her. To set her free.
You knew she wouldn't let go of you easily. She had proved that already by coming after you. Even though she was now married to Will, even though you had hurt her by leaving without telling her. She had still come after you. She was here with you, prepared to give her life for you. She wouldn't let you go. You had to hurt her. And that's why you left her just a note.
JJ
I can't do this.
I don't want this.
Forgive me.
Emily.
You hoped it would be enough to send her back to her husband and make her forget all about you. It was true; you couldn't do it to her. And it was also true you didn't want to wreck her marriage, didn't want her to watch you fade away, and put her life on hold trying to save you when there was no hope. You wanted to spare her. But you knew how she would interpret that note. 'I don't want you.'
Exhausted is all you can feel right now but you struggle to keep your eyes open as you drive. You take a deep breath and try to imagine as the car moves forwards along the road that time was ticking backwards. You imagine that you can unravel all the things you've done, all the things you have not done. Mistakes. Regrets. Choices.
You wait expectantly for the bad feelings to dissipate as you drive the winding road. Waiting for that anxiety and regret to be swept away with the wind, but you find the panic only grows stronger. You can't make any sense of that.
You want desperately to disentangle yourself from JJ. Want to be free, want her to be free. It's how it has to be. But instead the creeping feeling of being trapped settles upon you. You feel constricted, as if an invisible rope anchored you to her. The harder and faster you pull against it in an attempt to free yourself, the tighter the rope restricts you. Until you can no longer move. No longer breathe. The air is thick and heavy, you feel as if you will pass out any minute. You have no choice but to stop the car, to pull over to the road side even though every thought in your head is screaming 'no'. Screaming 'Keep going. It will all be ok just keep going.'
Don't stop Emily.
But you have to.
You sit. Defeated. Gasping for air. The world is spinning around you. You feel like you will pass out at any moment. You feel like you want that. Long for it, for peace for the darkness. But it doesn't come. And so you sit. Helpless, hopeless, and alone on the roadside in the freezing snow.
And that's where he found you.
Chapter 6: Chapter 6
Chapter 6.
JJ
You wake to find the morning sun streaming through your window, with a smile on your face for the first time in a long time. You wake feeling complete. You wake with her name on your lips, dreams of your future filling your mind. For the first time ever, you wake up beside the right person. You wake from dreams filled with Emily, which is nothing new. But this time you wake and realise that they aren't just dreams. You wake to find that huge weight lifted off your shoulders. That heavy dark thing you hadn't even realised oppressed you for months. That dark thing that grew out of being parted from Emily. You woke feeling like you have the entire world at your feet.
And all that lasts only minutes. The minutes it takes to realise she is no longer lying beside you.
Panic fills you instantly. That exact same feeling as when you'd seen her lifeless in the snow last night. Exactly that same feeling of horror and dread, the feeling of your heart being ripped out. And somehow you know it, she is gone, and she isn't coming back.
You call her name, not expecting that she will answer. You rush to the window, afraid to look out and see her car is gone from the drive. You turn back and see the letter on your pillow. Afraid to pick it up. But you're compelled to. You hold the thin paper in your trembling hands and hear her voice to the words written upon it.
JJ
I can't do this.
I don't want this.
Forgive me.
Emily.
You hear the sharp cry from your lips, the letter floats out of your grasp to the floor. And you sink down to the ground alongside it.
You had never known a peace like that you felt in Emily's arms. Never known a love so strong as you felt for her. And never, ever known a pain of loss, grief, abandonment like you felt right in that moment. It stabs right into your heart. You feel it physically. You struggle to breathe.
You shake your head, telling yourself, No this isn't happening. Asking yourself, How will I live without her? How could she do this to me?
Things shift so amazingly quickly inside your mind, and your pain turns to anger and resentment. And that feels just a little bit better than rejection, loss, grief. How could she let you come here last night, telling her those things? How could she lie beside you, touching you, and not feel that connection? How could she walk away like that? After you gave up everything to come find her? And back your mind wanders, How could she have left the BAU without so much as good bye? How much could you really have meant to Emily Prentiss?
And then your anger turns inward. You were such a fool to come chasing after her. Did you really believe she could ever love you?
And, finally, you count your lucky stars that you hadn't yet told Will you were leaving him. Imagine throwing away your marriage, and possibly your career, for her. The one who just up and walked out the door and left you with nothing but a few lines scrawled on a note. Without a second thought. With no explanation, no goodbye. Again. When would you ever learn, you meant nothing to Emily Prentiss.
How foolish you were, To have believed she might see something in you, might feel it to. To believe you had figured her out at last. Figured out that the reason she left the BAU was because of you. That you could come after her and tell her she meant everything to you, that you could drop everything in your life to be with her, and she'd do the same. How arrogant to think that the reason she looked so broken and lost was because of you.
Had you really imagined all of it? The way she felt in your arms? The was she kissed you and held you. The way she looked at you all these months, the ways he touched you, the tender way she spoke to you. Was it really all in your head?
Sitting there pathetically crying on the floor of that cabin, you tell yourself that none of it was ever real. Tell yourself you have to forget it. Forget her. Go back to your life your husband. You certainly are not prepared to make a fool out of yourself for a second time chasing after her. If that's how Emily wanted it, let her be alone. Let her walk away from the job, the team, from you. It was her choice. And you knew your only choice now, was to get up and go back to your husband. It was the sensible thing to do, the only thing. And yet, somehow, it wasn't easy to bring yourself to move from that spot, to close the door on Emily forever the way she had done to you. So you had sat, and waited. For hours. Hoping against hope that this was all just a bad dream.
Emily
You don't remember clearly the things that happened next. Much of the past few weeks passed in a blurred dream like state. You closed your eyes and imagined you were dead already. That made you smile. You closed your eyes and remembered the feeling of JJ beside you, her arms around you, her voice whispering in your ear, her fingers through your hair. You ached for her to be beside you.
He picks you up in his arms, he feels so cold, his skin harsh compared to hers. Feebly you attempt to push him away, but you know already you have no chance. You hear him speak, not in that sweet angel voice of hers that made your heart race, Just a plain ordinary voice, "Get the blankets out of the back" he says, and you realise that he isn't alone. But you can't bring yourself to open your eyes, the effort was too much. And while his arms were a far cry from JJ's, you realised you feel safe. And while his voice wasn't JJ's, it still soothes you, because it was the voice of family. And for a moment you stop fighting him, let him put you in the car. For a moment you think you made the wrong choice, leaving the team behind. You still don't know who he is talking to. Neither of them is talking to you, You must look too far gone to be able to hear them.
JJ had called your name. "Em." She had called you. Even when she found you half dead lying in the snow. She still called your name. You want to her it again, to feel her hot tears falling, her hands burning your face, pleading with you to wake up. And you had opened your eyes when JJ asked. Not because you wanted to, you hadn't thought yourself even capable. But all it took was her to ask, and you did it. There was no choice in the matter. They don't call your name, they don't ask you to wake up. And so you don't. Not at first.
Not until you hear him talking about taking you to the hospital. The thought of another hospital makes you sick to your stomach. There was nothing they could do for you. And you realise that if you don't do something soon, you'll end up in the hospital. With the lot of them pathetically standing around your bed side, looking at you with pity in their eyes. Waiting, watching while you took weeks maybe months to fade away and die. You can't let it happen like that. You should have left the country when you had the chance.
"No." You manage to protest softly.
"Emily?" You hear Garcia say. And you open your eyes to find yourself in the back of the car in her arms. She pulls away to look at you, and from her expression you can tell you look like crap.
You turn to Morgan, driving. "No hospitals." You tell him.
Before he can answer, the sound of his phone ringing distracts his attention.
"It's Hotch." He announces to no one in particular.
"No." You tell him, plead with him, as he poises his finger to answer the phone. You haven't the strength to say more, to say 'no don't call anyone, don't tell anyone anything, don't take me to the hospital. just leave me alone to die.' But somehow he reads your face. He closes his phone. Looks over to Garcia.
"Eyes on the road." She tells him. Then she turns to you. "Emily. What's wrong?" She whispers. "Tell me."
"Don't tell anyone." You beg her. "Please?"
"Tell anyone what?" You hear Morgan ask from the front.
"Please." You plead again. It takes you a moment to catch your breath enough to say to her "Garcia, It's the very last thing I'll ever ask of you. Please."
"Emily, you're really scaring me." She tells you.
You grab her hand, squeeze it as tightly as you have strength to do. "Please. Promise. You can't tell anyone."
She looks confused, and frightened. But finally she nods. "Alright. For now." And you can see tears forming in her eyes.
"No hospitals." You tell her.
She shakes her head. "Emily." Garcia tells you. "That part is not negotiable."
You haven't strength to argue, and grateful for the moment that she has agreed to tell no one that you're sick, you close your eyes again.
Author: Carly Carter
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Paring: Emily/JJ
Rating: Pg ish I think
Summary:
Disclaimer: Don't own anything
AN: My very first CM fic I ever wrote, It shames me greatly to read it now, it seems so sloppy, i must fix it up properly! Reposting here in correct order with working links :) as lynders11 kindly pointed out to me that my previous postings of this story are an incredible incomplete mess :) What can I say, LJ hates me! Anyway, nothing new here yet, though I read it again tonight and now i'm in the mood to finish it i think. So who knows.
Dedication: Written for kassandra_luem who introduced me to Emily and JJ:) I shall never forget you, or forget writing Emily/JJ fic on planes:)
Chapter 4: Chapter 4
Chapter 4
JJ
You follow the directions to an isolated cabin in the woods. Emily's car is parked out front. According to Garcia, the property is owned by Emily's mother. You search inside, Emily is nowhere to be seen. You stand outside scanning the horizon desperately as the icy breeze chills you to the bone. She can't be far. Her car is here. Just wait.
At first you don't notice the figure huddled in the snow. It seems unreal. It's a moment before you realise that you are running towards it. It's her.
Emily.
She is so still, so cold. It tears your heart like nothing else ever has to see her lying there. You realise in that split second that she is the most important thing in your life. That you'd sacrifice anything in that moment to have her be ok.
You kneel beside her screaming her name. "Emily! Emily?! Em! Talk to me!" You shake her and scream, and you get no response. She is curled up on her side, her arms shielding her face. Why is she lying here like this?
You feel your heart racing and you realise you're panicking. You've never lost your cool like this, not in any of the terrifying situations you've faced in your job. You take a breath. Force yourself to think. How can you help her? But all you can think is to shake her and scream and plead with her to answer you.
You roll her on to her back, and you kneel over her, brushing the snow from her face. You place your jacket over her, although you realise this does little to shield her from the cold, her own clothes are icy and wet. She is so cold, so still.
You realise you're crying as you lean over her "Emily, please!" You're crying so hard that you almost don't hear the sound that comes from her throat. You stop still for a moment, wondering if you imagined it. You wait.
"JJ?" You hear her say so softly.
That's all you needed, some sign from her.
She looks so cold, so small, so vulnerable lying in the snow like that. You can't stand to see her like this. You want to take care of her. "It's ok, everything will be ok now. I'm here, Emily."
She doesn't open her eyes, just saying your name seems to have exhausted her. You know she isn't able to stand, and you drag her into the house. You want to be gentle but there is no way that you can gently drag her inside on your own. The cabin isn't far but it seems so distant as you try to get her inside the warm.
Emily
You must be dreaming. Of course you're dreaming. JJ is here. You can hear her voice, talking to you.
"Em?" She calls you. She's never called you Em. You like it. "Can you hear me?"
You want to answer her. You can't.
You feel her hands touching you. You know they are her hands, because no one else's hands burn you like fire. You can't see her. Your eyes are closed. You don't want to open them, you don't want to wake up. But she keeps pleading with you. "Em talk to me, open your eyes."
You don't want to, but you have no power to refuse her anything, especially when she is crying. "Don't leave me Emily, please, I couldn't take that."
You struggle to open your eyes, trying to speak. Softly telling her "It's ok, don't cry."
You think about her words, 'Don't leave me Emily'. You wish you could promise her that you never will. But you can't. You never thought she would ask that of you, and now that she has, it's the one thing you can't give her.
Besides, she will get over it. She has Will. She's not your JJ anymore. It takes a minute to focus. You make out the shape of her leaning over you, her hair glowing orange in the firelight.
You know she lit the fire. You can't hear it or smell it or feel it, but everything is glowing softly orange around you.
"Hey" She smiles at you, eyes sparkling with tears. You've never seen her so intense.
You want to ask if she is really here, what she's doing here. But your teeth are chattering so violently it's almost impossible to speak. She is pulling at your wet clothes.
"Em, you have to take these off, you're freezing."
She is so close, you can feel warmth and heat radiating from her. You struggle to sit up and take off your clothes.
"Let me help" she tells you as she peels icy clothes from you, gently drying your skin. You feel her fingers lingering on your body as she does so. You tell yourself you're imagining it. She is just trying to prevent you dying from hypothermia. Your fingers are so cold they can't function, you feel like a little girl as you fumble over the buttons on the dry shirt, trying to fasten them. She reaches over to help, and you let her.
You don't feel any warmer now that you're in dry clothes, but she is pleased "There that's better." She says triumphantly, and it makes you smile. "Come here" She tells you as she wraps you in a blanket pulling you close. You feel your heart rate slow to normal, your hands stop shaking. Peace.
Her fingers are so warm against your ice cold skin. You feel electricity. She must feel that too. You take her hand in your own, and look up at her, straight in the eye. She looks away uncomfortably.
"Keep talking to me." She says "So I know you're alright." She still won't look at you, her gaze drifts to the fire place, but you look up at her, studying her reaction, as you speak.
"Tell me about your honey moon JJ." You say to her.
She looks stricken as if you slapped her. Why did you say it? She came here like you wanted. You said it was all you wanted, all you'd ask of her. But you want more. You always want more than she has to give.
Suddenly her arms are gone from around you, you're cold, alone. She stands to her feet "I think we should take you to the hospital, make sure you're alright, or call a Dr or something."
"No" You protest strongly. You've had enough of Drs, hospitals, tests and procedures.
"It's ok, I'm just cold, that's all."
"I'm not surprised you're cold." You notice the bitterness in her voice. "What were you doing out there Emily, in the snow? What are you doing here? What are you doing leaving the BAU, not even saying goodbye? What is going on Emily?"
"You know the answers JJ" You tell her, equally as bitter. Wondering if it's true. Does she know?
You've somehow reached an impasse. There isn't anywhere to go from here. No kind of sensible conversation could take place when you're both so defensive, so frightened. You wonder if she will just turn and walk out. You wonder if it's for the best.
You lie back down on the couch, pulling the blanket tight, closing your eyes, not wanting to watch her walk away, but not willing to put yourself on the line to stop her.
"Emily" she whispers softly, breaking the silence
"Yeah" you mumble,
"Happy Birthday" She whispers in your ear, kissing the top of your head.
You can't help the tears that fall, you despise them, sign of weakness. She lays back beside you, pulling you close. You never want to leave this place. Her fingers are so warm against your ice cold skin that they burn you. She must feel that too.
You are so cold, and she isn't warm enough. Not enough to keep you warm no matter how close she pulls you. She isn't warm enough to save you, not warm enough to prevent you from sucking all the heat and energy and life and happiness out of her into the cold void of darkness inside of you. You know you should stop. Tell her to stop.
But you can't
Chapter 5: Chapter 5
Chapter 5
JJ
You lie beside her, holding tightly, as if she will slip through your fingers if you don't hold tight enough. You never want to let her go. You wonder if you're hurting her. Had she always been so fragile? You'd never seen it. Suddenly this woman who you always thought of as being so strong, seems so vulnerable. Suddenly things that confused you seemed so clear.
How could you have made such a mistake? How could you be so foolish? So Blind? Not to see that this, that she, is everything. What were you doing with your life? Marrying Will?
Is that why she left the BAU? Had you hurt her that badly? Garcia's knowing eyes flash before you. Even Will had seen it "She's jealous." He had told you.
How could it be that you never saw how much she meant to you, how much you meant to her? You'd never dare to dream that she might love you. Look what you almost lost. Everything.
You feel like you're holding all the cards. That somehow you need to be the one to say something, to do something. You just don't have the first idea what it is she wants or needs from you. And so you lie still holding her close. Bury your head in her shoulder. Her back is to you and you can't see her face. You wonder what she is thinking. It feels like hours before you find the courage to speak.
"Emily," Her name feels so right on your tongue and you almost stop right there. "What were you doing, out there, in the snow?" You ask the question, but you're not sure you want to know. Or perhaps you already know deep down.
She is silent and you wonder if she heard you. You wonder if you did this. Guilt pierces you. But you remind yourself quickly that you saved her. You're the hero. You tell yourself that if you'd arrived even minutes later, it might have been too late. You would have lost her forever. It makes your heart stop beating for a second. And you console yourself that you're the hero. You're not the villain.
It frightens you when she first speaks. Her voice is so intense, yet so calm.
"It was so cold," She speaks slowly. "And I was so tired of... everything." She answers you, without really answering you at all. But you don't think you really want her to say it. Don't think you want to hear that you broke her. That you shattered her will to live, robbed her of every piece of worth. That you're the one who took that shining light out of her eyes.
"I made you feel like that." You state rather than ask.
"No." She answers. But she doesn't elaborate, and you're not convinced. You're glad you can't see into her eyes in that moment.
"What do I mean to you Emily?" You ask her.
"Everything." She answers softly, without hesitation. It's not fair of you to ask her after all that's happened, after not putting yourself on the line first. But still she answers you instantly. Honestly. Asking nothing of you in return. And you know that she would give you anything you asked of her. It makes you want to cry.
"That's what you mean to me." You whisper in her ear. "Everything."
You mean it with everything in you. And you still can't bring yourself to look her in the eye as you say it. You're relieved she is lying with her back to you. You pull her tightly towards you. You finally admitted to yourself that you love her, finally admitted it to her.
You can tell instantly she doesn't believe you. She shakes her head slightly, doesn't say a word.
Does she know how hard it was for you to realise the truth, to admit it to her? And it hurts you that she dismisses it just like that. You don't really blame her though. You wouldn't have believed it either. You were a newly married woman. You needed to convince her, you just didn't know where to begin. Your confidence began to crumble. Everything is in your hands and you just don't know what to do with it.
"You can't leave the BAU. I won't let you." You tell her, feeling the pressure to say something, anything. You really want to say 'You can't leave me, I won't let you walk away from me. I couldn't survive without you. I'll never let anything happen to you again.'
But you can't say the words. You're still holding back. You hate yourself for that. What is it you're afraid of? What could possibly scare you more than that moment you saw her lying in the snow thinking she was forever gone?
But she is holding back too, she isn't giving you much to work with. She's putting up walls to protect herself. And you don't know where to begin to knock them down. She's left you out in the cold.
Your mind is racing. All the things you need to resolve, you need to tell Will. You owe him the truth, even though you realise he already knows it. And what will happen at the BAU? You'd have to work something out. But it didn't matter. The only thing you knew for sure was that you needed her. Everything else would work itself out.
Your mind is so busy it takes you a while to realise she hasn't answered you. Maybe she is asleep. Maybe she is ignoring you. It doesn't matter, You will work it out.
"Everything will be all right Emily, as long as we're together." You whisper to her.
You've never realised how incomplete you felt your entire life, until this moment holding her in your arms. For the first time you know what it feels like to be completed by another human being. You feel that if she wasn't here anymore, that you would cease to exist somehow. That she had changed you irrevocably. It frightened you. But you realised for the first time as you held her in your arms,that it was worth it. That she was worth this, that she was worth everything.
She slept beside you so peacefully. You watched her for hours, finally breaking your embrace; you sit up and stare at her, tracing your fingers over her face. Whispering promises and declarations, things you should have said to her face when she was awake. Things you should have told her months ago.
It was the most perfect night. Unexpectedly, Undoubtedly, Unequivocally, perfect.
And when you woke in the morning, she was gone.
Emily
The snow falls thickly around you in the eerie darkness of the early morning. You're unable to see the way clearly in front of you. But you keep going, one foot in front of the other.
The keys slip from your trembling fingers as you fumble in the dark trying to open the car without waking her. You will yourself not to look over your shoulder.
Don't look back Emily.
You don't know where you're going. The direction isn't important. Any direction that takes you a step away from her is a step in the right direction.
Confusion overwhelms you. You are completely torn in two. You had wanted, desperately needed, her. And she had come to you. She held you and kissed you and told you that you meant the world to her. And you couldn't help but relish that moment.
It had felt so safe in her arms. But you also felt powerless. And you hate that she had seen you so vulnerable...so weak. It's not who you are. It was strange not being the strong one. It made you feel uneasy, it always had. But you had never realised how peaceful it could be to let someone take care of you. Thinking about it almost made you turn the car around. Longing to be back safe in her arms, believing her when she told you that, "Everything will be alright Emily." How simple it would be to believe her, to let her take care of you.
But you know you can't go back. You just can't put her through that. There is no hope for the two of you. You can't allow her to sit back and watch you slowly die. You can't allow her to jeopardise her marriage with Will for a future with you that can never be. You can't stay with her. But you can't give her a reason; you can't lie to her and tell you don't love her. You can't tell her the truth. And so you took the easy way out. You left, without saying goodbye.
Run away Emily.
You'd already been running. From the BAU, from what was left of your life, from JJ. You'd run away thinking that you meant nothing to her. It almost killed you. But this time it's different. This time you're running from her when she held you and kissed you and told you that you were everything. That was the hardest thing you had to do in your life. But you had to do it. For her. To set her free.
You knew she wouldn't let go of you easily. She had proved that already by coming after you. Even though she was now married to Will, even though you had hurt her by leaving without telling her. She had still come after you. She was here with you, prepared to give her life for you. She wouldn't let you go. You had to hurt her. And that's why you left her just a note.
JJ
I can't do this.
I don't want this.
Forgive me.
Emily.
You hoped it would be enough to send her back to her husband and make her forget all about you. It was true; you couldn't do it to her. And it was also true you didn't want to wreck her marriage, didn't want her to watch you fade away, and put her life on hold trying to save you when there was no hope. You wanted to spare her. But you knew how she would interpret that note. 'I don't want you.'
Exhausted is all you can feel right now but you struggle to keep your eyes open as you drive. You take a deep breath and try to imagine as the car moves forwards along the road that time was ticking backwards. You imagine that you can unravel all the things you've done, all the things you have not done. Mistakes. Regrets. Choices.
You wait expectantly for the bad feelings to dissipate as you drive the winding road. Waiting for that anxiety and regret to be swept away with the wind, but you find the panic only grows stronger. You can't make any sense of that.
You want desperately to disentangle yourself from JJ. Want to be free, want her to be free. It's how it has to be. But instead the creeping feeling of being trapped settles upon you. You feel constricted, as if an invisible rope anchored you to her. The harder and faster you pull against it in an attempt to free yourself, the tighter the rope restricts you. Until you can no longer move. No longer breathe. The air is thick and heavy, you feel as if you will pass out any minute. You have no choice but to stop the car, to pull over to the road side even though every thought in your head is screaming 'no'. Screaming 'Keep going. It will all be ok just keep going.'
Don't stop Emily.
But you have to.
You sit. Defeated. Gasping for air. The world is spinning around you. You feel like you will pass out at any moment. You feel like you want that. Long for it, for peace for the darkness. But it doesn't come. And so you sit. Helpless, hopeless, and alone on the roadside in the freezing snow.
And that's where he found you.
Chapter 6: Chapter 6
Chapter 6.
JJ
You wake to find the morning sun streaming through your window, with a smile on your face for the first time in a long time. You wake feeling complete. You wake with her name on your lips, dreams of your future filling your mind. For the first time ever, you wake up beside the right person. You wake from dreams filled with Emily, which is nothing new. But this time you wake and realise that they aren't just dreams. You wake to find that huge weight lifted off your shoulders. That heavy dark thing you hadn't even realised oppressed you for months. That dark thing that grew out of being parted from Emily. You woke feeling like you have the entire world at your feet.
And all that lasts only minutes. The minutes it takes to realise she is no longer lying beside you.
Panic fills you instantly. That exact same feeling as when you'd seen her lifeless in the snow last night. Exactly that same feeling of horror and dread, the feeling of your heart being ripped out. And somehow you know it, she is gone, and she isn't coming back.
You call her name, not expecting that she will answer. You rush to the window, afraid to look out and see her car is gone from the drive. You turn back and see the letter on your pillow. Afraid to pick it up. But you're compelled to. You hold the thin paper in your trembling hands and hear her voice to the words written upon it.
JJ
I can't do this.
I don't want this.
Forgive me.
Emily.
You hear the sharp cry from your lips, the letter floats out of your grasp to the floor. And you sink down to the ground alongside it.
You had never known a peace like that you felt in Emily's arms. Never known a love so strong as you felt for her. And never, ever known a pain of loss, grief, abandonment like you felt right in that moment. It stabs right into your heart. You feel it physically. You struggle to breathe.
You shake your head, telling yourself, No this isn't happening. Asking yourself, How will I live without her? How could she do this to me?
Things shift so amazingly quickly inside your mind, and your pain turns to anger and resentment. And that feels just a little bit better than rejection, loss, grief. How could she let you come here last night, telling her those things? How could she lie beside you, touching you, and not feel that connection? How could she walk away like that? After you gave up everything to come find her? And back your mind wanders, How could she have left the BAU without so much as good bye? How much could you really have meant to Emily Prentiss?
And then your anger turns inward. You were such a fool to come chasing after her. Did you really believe she could ever love you?
And, finally, you count your lucky stars that you hadn't yet told Will you were leaving him. Imagine throwing away your marriage, and possibly your career, for her. The one who just up and walked out the door and left you with nothing but a few lines scrawled on a note. Without a second thought. With no explanation, no goodbye. Again. When would you ever learn, you meant nothing to Emily Prentiss.
How foolish you were, To have believed she might see something in you, might feel it to. To believe you had figured her out at last. Figured out that the reason she left the BAU was because of you. That you could come after her and tell her she meant everything to you, that you could drop everything in your life to be with her, and she'd do the same. How arrogant to think that the reason she looked so broken and lost was because of you.
Had you really imagined all of it? The way she felt in your arms? The was she kissed you and held you. The way she looked at you all these months, the ways he touched you, the tender way she spoke to you. Was it really all in your head?
Sitting there pathetically crying on the floor of that cabin, you tell yourself that none of it was ever real. Tell yourself you have to forget it. Forget her. Go back to your life your husband. You certainly are not prepared to make a fool out of yourself for a second time chasing after her. If that's how Emily wanted it, let her be alone. Let her walk away from the job, the team, from you. It was her choice. And you knew your only choice now, was to get up and go back to your husband. It was the sensible thing to do, the only thing. And yet, somehow, it wasn't easy to bring yourself to move from that spot, to close the door on Emily forever the way she had done to you. So you had sat, and waited. For hours. Hoping against hope that this was all just a bad dream.
Emily
You don't remember clearly the things that happened next. Much of the past few weeks passed in a blurred dream like state. You closed your eyes and imagined you were dead already. That made you smile. You closed your eyes and remembered the feeling of JJ beside you, her arms around you, her voice whispering in your ear, her fingers through your hair. You ached for her to be beside you.
He picks you up in his arms, he feels so cold, his skin harsh compared to hers. Feebly you attempt to push him away, but you know already you have no chance. You hear him speak, not in that sweet angel voice of hers that made your heart race, Just a plain ordinary voice, "Get the blankets out of the back" he says, and you realise that he isn't alone. But you can't bring yourself to open your eyes, the effort was too much. And while his arms were a far cry from JJ's, you realised you feel safe. And while his voice wasn't JJ's, it still soothes you, because it was the voice of family. And for a moment you stop fighting him, let him put you in the car. For a moment you think you made the wrong choice, leaving the team behind. You still don't know who he is talking to. Neither of them is talking to you, You must look too far gone to be able to hear them.
JJ had called your name. "Em." She had called you. Even when she found you half dead lying in the snow. She still called your name. You want to her it again, to feel her hot tears falling, her hands burning your face, pleading with you to wake up. And you had opened your eyes when JJ asked. Not because you wanted to, you hadn't thought yourself even capable. But all it took was her to ask, and you did it. There was no choice in the matter. They don't call your name, they don't ask you to wake up. And so you don't. Not at first.
Not until you hear him talking about taking you to the hospital. The thought of another hospital makes you sick to your stomach. There was nothing they could do for you. And you realise that if you don't do something soon, you'll end up in the hospital. With the lot of them pathetically standing around your bed side, looking at you with pity in their eyes. Waiting, watching while you took weeks maybe months to fade away and die. You can't let it happen like that. You should have left the country when you had the chance.
"No." You manage to protest softly.
"Emily?" You hear Garcia say. And you open your eyes to find yourself in the back of the car in her arms. She pulls away to look at you, and from her expression you can tell you look like crap.
You turn to Morgan, driving. "No hospitals." You tell him.
Before he can answer, the sound of his phone ringing distracts his attention.
"It's Hotch." He announces to no one in particular.
"No." You tell him, plead with him, as he poises his finger to answer the phone. You haven't the strength to say more, to say 'no don't call anyone, don't tell anyone anything, don't take me to the hospital. just leave me alone to die.' But somehow he reads your face. He closes his phone. Looks over to Garcia.
"Eyes on the road." She tells him. Then she turns to you. "Emily. What's wrong?" She whispers. "Tell me."
"Don't tell anyone." You beg her. "Please?"
"Tell anyone what?" You hear Morgan ask from the front.
"Please." You plead again. It takes you a moment to catch your breath enough to say to her "Garcia, It's the very last thing I'll ever ask of you. Please."
"Emily, you're really scaring me." She tells you.
You grab her hand, squeeze it as tightly as you have strength to do. "Please. Promise. You can't tell anyone."
She looks confused, and frightened. But finally she nods. "Alright. For now." And you can see tears forming in her eyes.
"No hospitals." You tell her.
She shakes her head. "Emily." Garcia tells you. "That part is not negotiable."
You haven't strength to argue, and grateful for the moment that she has agreed to tell no one that you're sick, you close your eyes again.