i put my head down on the table feeling vaguely shitty and suddenly i had lost fifteen minutes and hot tears filled my eyes and snot my nose ( Read more... )

today was a particularly lonely day. i think i overcommitted a bunch of good mood to last week, or something ( Read more... )

sitting on the corner of walnut and negley before a run in the heavy fog of a cold morning is a fitting setting for contemplating upset. this week has been one huge mood swing after another ( Read more... )

the everything-is-wrong / nothing-is-wrong wave appears to be becoming pretty standard. good food has been the only invariant, an island in stormy seas. (i'm wary of it turning into a depressive indulgence - specifically, treating myself at restaurants - but that worry doesn't stand when i get around to cooking for myself.) another recipe may be ( Read more... )

prevailing mood the last few days: persistent sadness punctuated by strong moments of encouragement and comfort. apartment hunting, huge chore that it is, is unavoidably depressing. i keep repeatedly putting my heart into opportunities knowing it's likely to get squashed (going after a place yesterday, the dude called me an hour before the ( Read more... )

i almost didn't even bother to start writing a post for this particular bad hour, but this is supposed to be about winning internal battles, and turning away when the voice of doubt says "you are only going to make a fool of yourself by being emo on livejournal" is not even a fighting attempt, let alone anything for making progress. so here goes.

( stream of consciousness )

on the plus side, we are finally starting to move along at high speed on our compilers project, so that is becoming slightly easier to reassure myself about.

i managed to pick up another threatening thing to worry uselessly about today.

i remember two years ago when knightofstarz told me "yeah, don't think about it too much." i was mystified. but of course there ( Read more... )

i've been talking in several channels recently about the relative merits of letting yourself feel things more or less strongly. the one is harder to control, and sometimes more gratifying; the other makes, well, a lot of things easier - thinking clearly, getting work done.

a year, or two years, ago - i don't remember - i realised that my brain has ( Read more... )

the big disadvantage of being a pure idealist is that it leaves you with no facilities for bailing on something when it turns out to need a superhuman amount of effort.

and sometimes there are also things that you could follow through on, but it would leave you much happier to save your breath and take a more practical shortcut. it's interesting, ( Read more... )

break had its ups and downs. the ups were pretty good; i got a bunch of stuff done, though not quite as much as i'd have liked, and i relaxed a bunch, though not quite as much as i'd have liked. i suppose 75% of both worlds is better than all of one and none of the other.

i've been home for less than 48 hours and already it's hit me repeatedly how ( Read more... )