lightyears away
i almost didn't even bother to start writing a post for this particular bad hour, but this is supposed to be about winning internal battles, and turning away when the voice of doubt says "you are only going to make a fool of yourself by being emo on livejournal" is not even a fighting attempt, let alone anything for making progress. so here goes.
the mood swings are getting more intense lately; at times, "i can't even fathom why i should ever be upset again; i swim in a radiant pool of light at the centre of my personal universe, which is a perfect place to live in," and at others, "everything i bother trying to do is a constant struggle, every other step i take sees me stumble, fall over, and lose an evening of potential focus and fulfillment to stabilising and recovering, so why bother standing at all?". the daily routine has been getting more and more stable, which is fantastic, so i'm not sure if the moods are entirely causally disjoint or what (or paradoxically inversely related); or perhaps this particular week, which has been mostly "making exceptions to the rules of good habit for doing awesome things instead" served as a catalyst.
on saturday after the meditation group i had a long and truly wonderful conversation with somebody i'd only just met, and i kept thinking, "i ought to be overjoyed at what a fulfilling experience this is", but i could tell i was faking it. (of course there's the core tenet of meditation which says if you're actively trying then that's not quite it - but it seems like such a waste to have the same conversation bland/emotionless, so what gives...) instead, something deep down that i can't see or reach (...yet) was telling me "it is not right for you to enjoy this experience simply for what it is" - not in words, but in walls. i don't know. i don't even know how to start fighting that one.
the pendulum of "you'll never be able to do this as well as you'll think would be worthwhile" and "it's not worth anybody's time for you to try to participate in some activity with them" keeps coming back around, and i can never quite seem to dodge(?) it properly. the tiny-but-real fuck-ups, which i'm apparently disproportionately scared of, have this strange power to topple any already-tenuous mood. ("you left the house front door unlocked" -- i ought to be able at least to summon the courage to say i'm sorry..?)
watching the lord of the rings movie in the theatre with great friends at my side i managed to stay completely immersed in the moment for a good majority of the time (definitely an up evening), and to rein the mind back in when it started to wander otherwise. i call this huge success, and in some bonus happenstance will get to do it twice again.
the mood swings are getting more intense lately; at times, "i can't even fathom why i should ever be upset again; i swim in a radiant pool of light at the centre of my personal universe, which is a perfect place to live in," and at others, "everything i bother trying to do is a constant struggle, every other step i take sees me stumble, fall over, and lose an evening of potential focus and fulfillment to stabilising and recovering, so why bother standing at all?". the daily routine has been getting more and more stable, which is fantastic, so i'm not sure if the moods are entirely causally disjoint or what (or paradoxically inversely related); or perhaps this particular week, which has been mostly "making exceptions to the rules of good habit for doing awesome things instead" served as a catalyst.
on saturday after the meditation group i had a long and truly wonderful conversation with somebody i'd only just met, and i kept thinking, "i ought to be overjoyed at what a fulfilling experience this is", but i could tell i was faking it. (of course there's the core tenet of meditation which says if you're actively trying then that's not quite it - but it seems like such a waste to have the same conversation bland/emotionless, so what gives...) instead, something deep down that i can't see or reach (...yet) was telling me "it is not right for you to enjoy this experience simply for what it is" - not in words, but in walls. i don't know. i don't even know how to start fighting that one.
the pendulum of "you'll never be able to do this as well as you'll think would be worthwhile" and "it's not worth anybody's time for you to try to participate in some activity with them" keeps coming back around, and i can never quite seem to dodge(?) it properly. the tiny-but-real fuck-ups, which i'm apparently disproportionately scared of, have this strange power to topple any already-tenuous mood. ("you left the house front door unlocked" -- i ought to be able at least to summon the courage to say i'm sorry..?)
watching the lord of the rings movie in the theatre with great friends at my side i managed to stay completely immersed in the moment for a good majority of the time (definitely an up evening), and to rein the mind back in when it started to wander otherwise. i call this huge success, and in some bonus happenstance will get to do it twice again.