duende
i've been talking in several channels recently about the relative merits of letting yourself feel things more or less strongly. the one is harder to control, and sometimes more gratifying; the other makes, well, a lot of things easier - thinking clearly, getting work done.
a year, or two years, ago - i don't remember - i realised that my brain has the capacity to make myself as happy or as sad about any given thing, that it's just a matter of how much energy it takes to do so. (e.g. being happy after somebody's death is inhumanly much, but many things short of that ought to be in reach.) this is inextricably linked with the numbness problem: the more you ignore your feelings, the harder it is to invoke happiness on a whim; the more intense you coax and encourage them to be, the easier. so i'm training myself - to see, to absorb, to appreciate, and, most importantly, to be in control of it.
there's a new challenge that comes with this, which is figuring out how and how much i should share my feeling with people around me. language gives structure to experience, as they say, and allows for growth, and so forth. earlier this week at fuel+fuddle i had a fortune cookie that said the following: Express yourself now. (it's been living in my wallet since.)
a lot of the time though it seems like i just don't know where to look for sharing what i'm feeling (as independent of actual thought). for example: all of the fortunes that evening were good, and i tried to vocally make a point of appreciating them, but everybody else was busy looking at them and putting "in bed" afterwards. i was very off-put. much of the time it seems like i'm reaching into empty space.
a year, or two years, ago - i don't remember - i realised that my brain has the capacity to make myself as happy or as sad about any given thing, that it's just a matter of how much energy it takes to do so. (e.g. being happy after somebody's death is inhumanly much, but many things short of that ought to be in reach.) this is inextricably linked with the numbness problem: the more you ignore your feelings, the harder it is to invoke happiness on a whim; the more intense you coax and encourage them to be, the easier. so i'm training myself - to see, to absorb, to appreciate, and, most importantly, to be in control of it.
there's a new challenge that comes with this, which is figuring out how and how much i should share my feeling with people around me. language gives structure to experience, as they say, and allows for growth, and so forth. earlier this week at fuel+fuddle i had a fortune cookie that said the following: Express yourself now. (it's been living in my wallet since.)
a lot of the time though it seems like i just don't know where to look for sharing what i'm feeling (as independent of actual thought). for example: all of the fortunes that evening were good, and i tried to vocally make a point of appreciating them, but everybody else was busy looking at them and putting "in bed" afterwards. i was very off-put. much of the time it seems like i'm reaching into empty space.