new... uncensored
it was a long year
a damn long year
i've never been one for making a big deal out of new years reflections/resolutions... but this year is a lot different.
a lot.
recently i've been thinking about where i was at this time last year... and the year before... and, wow, i am so far from there.
two years ago:
trying to fix a fucked-up heart. had just gotten out of an almost 2.5 year relationship from which my mother couldn't seem to recover. vulnerable, my recovering heart was devoured by the cheating bastard who called me his best friend. while home from school, i realized how this freak was fucking with me, and began to regain control of that part of my life, but not without walking away with a ridiculous amount of emotional baggage. socially, at home i felt very lost, having basically spend the previous four years attached to one of two particular males. at school, i was just beginning to feel secure, having bonded with two very special ladies, and those relationships were just growing closer as some other relationships fell apart. academically, i was feeling very secure in chemistry, with the promise of research in the near future. i was uncertain about a career as of yet, but was not too incredibly concerned about it. i was still uncomfortable with not necessarily having a life plan, but happy that i did decide to change the plan i (err.. my mom) had before.
new year's resolution:
stay away from engaged men.
kept? yes.
one year ago:
recovering from the lowest low of my life thus far. while i decided against suicide in october and had taken steps to try to make that a permanent decision, i was still quite unsure about a lot of things. one thing i was sure about, however, was my life plan, regardless of the thoughts, feelings and awareness of the other involved parties. romantically, i was in love with someone who was assumed unaware, and i didn't have the balls to do anything about it other than spaz in jealousy. socially, i was very unsure about my relationships with everyone. i decided everything was "okay" with everybody, but still didn't know how anyone else felt... or how i really felt, actually. at home... mostly awkward and lonely, and more concerned about what was going on in other parts of the midwest. while home, i was trying to make myself pretty. academically, i was satisfactorily uncertain. i was content with my two separate majors and convinced that i would have a plethora of options when i graduated with such, not that i was nearly as concerned about a career as i was about a wedding.
new year's resolution:
stop being a pussy.
kept? for the situation at the time, yes. for life in general, not necessarily.
and now...
for the first time... EVER... romance is not the most important thing in my life. TA DA! it took an emotional breakdown, but it worked. i may not be able to tell you what the meaning of life is, but i can guarantee you it's not about dedicating everything to one other individual. it's not that i'm bitter, and it's not that i've given up on love... it's that i'm finally caring about the one who is most important in my life... ME! i have to spend more time with myself than anyone else, so i need to deal with myself first. now that i've finally accepted that, i think i'm healthy enough to consider dating, if i happen to come across someone who can treat me as well as i would treat them.
socially... i've learned a lot. recent drama has taught me a lot about how people are and how i don't want to be. it has also taught me that i can't always count on other people, which is why i need to learn to depend on myself. but i've also learned to share what needs to be shared, and to listen to what others want to share. i have also discovered that, while i've considered myself friendly and open to meeting new people, i don't have much of a history of actually making friends. while i've been willing to meet and carry on conversations with people, there are very few people with whom i have actually developed friendships. i've realized that friendships don't just happen, and i can't expect others to try to bond with me. if i want to build friendships, i need to go out of my way for others.
academically... i've made some major decisions. i'm never going to be motivated to dedicate my life to something i just don't care about... so i need to do what's important to me. so... fuck chemistry. i wasn't doing it for myself. zack, mr. l., peter, mom, meghan, brian, my high school knowledge bowl team... i did it for them... probably others too... but not for me. music is what i did for myself. when i first came to school, i decided i would do a music minor just to keep my sanity through chemistry. that should have been a pretty big hint right there. strangely enough, all of my academic revelations coincided with my romantic revelations. for the first time in my life, i started working/thinking/caring for myself, and everything just started to make sense. i don't have a defined plan for my life anymore, and i'm finally getting used to that. i've decided that grad school is in my future... but i haven't quite figured out even how to start thinking about that.
health-wise... i'm starting to pay attention for the first time in my life. my academic decision actually had quite a bit to do with that. as a musician, i have to pay a lot more attention to my body than i did as a chemist. another part is that i just want to feel better about myself in every way possible. losing weight is not my #1 priority with this, but it is a quality side-effect. in fact, i've actually lost about 5 pounds in the time that i've been home over break.
so... the new year's resolutions:
*i will consider how my words and actions can affect those around me with each and every move i make.
*when i have issues with an individual, i will talk to that individual about it.
*i will not attack a person's character.
*i will be open to meeting, getting to know, and spending time with and becoming friends with new people.
*i understand that i cannot expect people to befriend me, and i will go out of my way to try to befriend those i want to.
*i will be open to having fun and spending time with anyone.
*history will not make me bitter nor hinder my enjoyment of the present, only alter the level of trust.
*i will not allow the friends i have already made to have a negative influence over the friends i meet.
*i will take vitamins daily.
*i will drink more water.
*i will eat at least one serving of each fruit and vegetables daily.
*i will develop some form of regular exercise.
*i will find a job to work during school at which i can work at least 10 hours a week.
*i will develop regular practice habits for horn, voice and piano, and will continue to work on any other instruments i learn.
*if i hit another low, i will seriously seek help for depression.
i'm aware that these aren't all as specific as they should be. a resolution that isn't measurable isn't particularly attainable. those that could be more quantitative will be when i get back to school and figure out what is actually possible. but i think enough of these are discernible enough that i can track that progress and everything else will push me along. honestly, none of these should be a problem for me. with the dramatic ways my life has changed recently, these resolutions are things that i need to do to continue moving forward in my life.
and that's what i'm doing:
moving forward.
a damn long year
i've never been one for making a big deal out of new years reflections/resolutions... but this year is a lot different.
a lot.
recently i've been thinking about where i was at this time last year... and the year before... and, wow, i am so far from there.
two years ago:
trying to fix a fucked-up heart. had just gotten out of an almost 2.5 year relationship from which my mother couldn't seem to recover. vulnerable, my recovering heart was devoured by the cheating bastard who called me his best friend. while home from school, i realized how this freak was fucking with me, and began to regain control of that part of my life, but not without walking away with a ridiculous amount of emotional baggage. socially, at home i felt very lost, having basically spend the previous four years attached to one of two particular males. at school, i was just beginning to feel secure, having bonded with two very special ladies, and those relationships were just growing closer as some other relationships fell apart. academically, i was feeling very secure in chemistry, with the promise of research in the near future. i was uncertain about a career as of yet, but was not too incredibly concerned about it. i was still uncomfortable with not necessarily having a life plan, but happy that i did decide to change the plan i (err.. my mom) had before.
new year's resolution:
stay away from engaged men.
kept? yes.
one year ago:
recovering from the lowest low of my life thus far. while i decided against suicide in october and had taken steps to try to make that a permanent decision, i was still quite unsure about a lot of things. one thing i was sure about, however, was my life plan, regardless of the thoughts, feelings and awareness of the other involved parties. romantically, i was in love with someone who was assumed unaware, and i didn't have the balls to do anything about it other than spaz in jealousy. socially, i was very unsure about my relationships with everyone. i decided everything was "okay" with everybody, but still didn't know how anyone else felt... or how i really felt, actually. at home... mostly awkward and lonely, and more concerned about what was going on in other parts of the midwest. while home, i was trying to make myself pretty. academically, i was satisfactorily uncertain. i was content with my two separate majors and convinced that i would have a plethora of options when i graduated with such, not that i was nearly as concerned about a career as i was about a wedding.
new year's resolution:
stop being a pussy.
kept? for the situation at the time, yes. for life in general, not necessarily.
and now...
for the first time... EVER... romance is not the most important thing in my life. TA DA! it took an emotional breakdown, but it worked. i may not be able to tell you what the meaning of life is, but i can guarantee you it's not about dedicating everything to one other individual. it's not that i'm bitter, and it's not that i've given up on love... it's that i'm finally caring about the one who is most important in my life... ME! i have to spend more time with myself than anyone else, so i need to deal with myself first. now that i've finally accepted that, i think i'm healthy enough to consider dating, if i happen to come across someone who can treat me as well as i would treat them.
socially... i've learned a lot. recent drama has taught me a lot about how people are and how i don't want to be. it has also taught me that i can't always count on other people, which is why i need to learn to depend on myself. but i've also learned to share what needs to be shared, and to listen to what others want to share. i have also discovered that, while i've considered myself friendly and open to meeting new people, i don't have much of a history of actually making friends. while i've been willing to meet and carry on conversations with people, there are very few people with whom i have actually developed friendships. i've realized that friendships don't just happen, and i can't expect others to try to bond with me. if i want to build friendships, i need to go out of my way for others.
academically... i've made some major decisions. i'm never going to be motivated to dedicate my life to something i just don't care about... so i need to do what's important to me. so... fuck chemistry. i wasn't doing it for myself. zack, mr. l., peter, mom, meghan, brian, my high school knowledge bowl team... i did it for them... probably others too... but not for me. music is what i did for myself. when i first came to school, i decided i would do a music minor just to keep my sanity through chemistry. that should have been a pretty big hint right there. strangely enough, all of my academic revelations coincided with my romantic revelations. for the first time in my life, i started working/thinking/caring for myself, and everything just started to make sense. i don't have a defined plan for my life anymore, and i'm finally getting used to that. i've decided that grad school is in my future... but i haven't quite figured out even how to start thinking about that.
health-wise... i'm starting to pay attention for the first time in my life. my academic decision actually had quite a bit to do with that. as a musician, i have to pay a lot more attention to my body than i did as a chemist. another part is that i just want to feel better about myself in every way possible. losing weight is not my #1 priority with this, but it is a quality side-effect. in fact, i've actually lost about 5 pounds in the time that i've been home over break.
so... the new year's resolutions:
*i will consider how my words and actions can affect those around me with each and every move i make.
*when i have issues with an individual, i will talk to that individual about it.
*i will not attack a person's character.
*i will be open to meeting, getting to know, and spending time with and becoming friends with new people.
*i understand that i cannot expect people to befriend me, and i will go out of my way to try to befriend those i want to.
*i will be open to having fun and spending time with anyone.
*history will not make me bitter nor hinder my enjoyment of the present, only alter the level of trust.
*i will not allow the friends i have already made to have a negative influence over the friends i meet.
*i will take vitamins daily.
*i will drink more water.
*i will eat at least one serving of each fruit and vegetables daily.
*i will develop some form of regular exercise.
*i will find a job to work during school at which i can work at least 10 hours a week.
*i will develop regular practice habits for horn, voice and piano, and will continue to work on any other instruments i learn.
*if i hit another low, i will seriously seek help for depression.
i'm aware that these aren't all as specific as they should be. a resolution that isn't measurable isn't particularly attainable. those that could be more quantitative will be when i get back to school and figure out what is actually possible. but i think enough of these are discernible enough that i can track that progress and everything else will push me along. honestly, none of these should be a problem for me. with the dramatic ways my life has changed recently, these resolutions are things that i need to do to continue moving forward in my life.
and that's what i'm doing:
moving forward.