Karen's Big Lie pt.2
Finally finding a moment between work and family stuff to present to you the soul-wrenching conclusion of Karen's Big Lie! The second half of this book filled me with so much rage, and made me hate Ms. Colman more than I already did. So let's get to it!
Part 1: Chapters 1-10
Chapter 11: 100%
Lisa and Seth still can’t be bothered with the whole parenting thing, because they invite some friends over that night for pizza (and presumably, to down brewskis and play erotic Pictionary), without first making sure that Karen had done all of her studying. Yeah, pretty sure my parents never had random parties on a school night. Save that shit for the weekend, you two.
Predictably, there’s another quiz the next day. Fortunately, it’s an all-addition quiz this time. Because, reasons. Ms. Colman hands them out, and then turns her attention away from the class to fiddle around at the chalkboard. What, whaaat?! Now I have been a teacher (albeit only for the preschool set, but still), and I know that teachers have to take advantage of quiet moments to get things done around the classroom. But if you’ve got a situation in which you are reasonably sure there’s cheating going on, you had damn well better be watching those kids like a hawk, I don’t care what other shit you have to do! What is wrong with this woman? I don’t even have an official teaching license, and I could do a better job than Ms. C. Hell, Nancy could probably run that classroom better. Perhaps with Hootie as the teacher’s aide.
So Karen begins plugging away at the first couple of problems, but loses her shit when she looks over at Nancy and Ricky (Yup, it’s just a free peep show up in this classroom) and sees that they’re already way ahead of her. She flips out because she has now set a precedent of getting good marks on her quizzes. If she can’t finish in time, she’ll get a terrible score, and Ms. Colman will know something’s up. Yeah, she might know, but she sure as hell won’t care, so I think Karen’s safe. So she copies Ricky’s whole paper. Just how long was Ms. Colman at that blackboard? Did she seriously not glance at her classroom once this entire time? If all the classes at SA are like this, I wouldn’t send my orangutan there. Not that I have one. Maybe I’d buy an orangutan, just so I could make it a point not to send it there.
Cut to Thursday, and the tests are handed back. Ms. Colman makes takes a moment to announce to everyone that three people got perfect scores: Karen, Ricky, aaaand… Hannie!
It always seemed weird to me to read about teachers announcing to the class who got the top score. I was always taught that a person’s grades were nobody else’s business, whether they were good or bad. I get that she’s trying to get people to work harder by making a big deal out of the top scores. But some kids work as hard as they can, and all they can muster on a test is a C. Way to make them feel inadequate. Maybe this is why you’ve now got a student so desperate to be in your good graces that she’s cheating, you moron. Fun fact: My algebra teacher in high school used to make us announce the grades we got on our homework assignments out loud in front of the class each day. And despite the fact that my dad worked with me every frickin’ night on my math, I always got an F on my assignments. I just couldn’t get the whole algebra thing. One day I got so tired of announcing my failure every morning that I said, “What grade do you think I got?! I got an F, okay?” and left the room, calling, "Damn you!" as I went. I switched math teachers shortly after that. Trying to shame students into getting good grades is never okay.
But I still can’t feel sorry for Karen. She says she feels bad about not earning her grade herself (guilt! About damn time!), and Ms. Colman didn’t smile when she handed back her paper (There’s that desperation for praise thing). Plus, Hannie keep sending her dirty looks, which, duh! I’ve been down on Hannie in this book, but I would be super-pissed, too, if I worked my ass off to get a good grade, and some little shit got the same grade as me by copying off someone else’s paper. What did you think, Karen?
Karen ends the chapter by bemoaning, “I was in a huge mess. And I didn’t know how to get out of it.” Oh, cry me a river, Karen. You got yourself into this mess by cheating not once, but multiple times, and then lying to your friend when she saw you fucking do it! I realize your family sucks and won’t help you study, and that your creepy desire to please Ms. C is preventing you from asking her for help, but this book is only one example of you being a lying, cheating brat. So forgive me if I don’t weep with you.
Chapter 12: The Three-Legged Race
Even though it’s a Little House weekend, Watson calls and asks Lisa to bring the kids over to practice for the games at the company picnic. And, frickin’ really? Who in the hell practices for the events at a company picnic? Is Watson afraid Andrew will shame the family if he can’t spit a watermelon seed a minimum of ten meters? Jesus. I can only assume Kristy is standing next to him with a baseball bat while he makes this call.
So the whole fam gathers in the backyard, and Elizabeth gives them a inspiring pep talk, announcing “The picnic is just a week away. We have to be prepared.” Sweet Lord, what is this?! Are the events being covered by ESPN? Clearly I know nothing about how rich people run company picnics.
Anyway, they’re all practicing the finer nuances of the three-legged race, and who should show up but the young Ms. Papadakis. And I have to hand it to her, she’s got some balls. She oh-so-casually mentions getting a 100% on the last math quiz, and by the way, so did Karen!
Naturally, everyone’s pleasantly surprised, and wants to see her paper. And instead of saying, “I didn’t think I needed to bring it with me to this asinine practice session, you dumbshits,” she just stammers that she forgot it at school. I guess that works, too.
Hannie’s winning me over here with the way she just came over and coolly threw down the gauntlet. Message delivered: Hannie is not fucking around.
Chapter 13: Andrew’s Tattoo
After a few grueling hours of practicing, everyone is inside enjoying a beverage when it occurs to Watson to wonder where Andrew and Emily are. Turns out they’ve given each other magic marker tattoos. For some reason, Karen is convinced that the kids must have gotten the idea because they saw David Michael’s dragon tattoo. It couldn’t possibly be because they all were having an extensive conversation about tattoos in their presence back in chapter three. Karen says she doesn’t want to keep his secret any longer, and that he has to tell their parents, for the love of God and all that is holy! But DM’s just like, “Whatevs, don’t even worry about it.” And, that was a boring chapter. Next!
Chapter 14: Ricky’s Cold
Karen gets to school Monday feeling shitty about the whole cheating thing, and the fact that it’s turned into a huge clusterfuck. Ricky happens to be absent that day, and Karen, ever the doting wife, feels sorry for him for half a second and then forgets about him completely, UNTIL…
If you guessed that Ms. Colman has decided to administer a test today, congratulations. You have more than two brain cells to rub together. Yup, her favorite cheating buddy is absent, and she flips the hell out when she finds that the latest test is littered with subtraction problems. She realizes she has become dependent on Ricky, and knows she can’t do the test without him. So she falls back on the tried-and-true tactic that has been handed down through the ages since cave parents were sending their Neanderthal children to school: she raises her hand and tells Ms. Colman that she thinks she’s going to throw up.
Ms. C, suspecting nothing, decides she better get Karen the hell outta there before she has to call the custodian, so she tells her to go to the nurse. And here’s another fun quiz! Who do you think Ms. Colman sends to walk Karen to the office?
Why, Natalie, of course! She’ll never be chosen to clap the erasers or pass out the art supplies, but if some pukey kid needs an escort to the office? She’s your girl! Poor Nat. Just look at her with her awesome cats-eye glasses and her face full of concern. And adorably, as she parts company with our protagonist, she says, “I hope you do not barf, Karen!” D’awww! Natalie, you’re better than everybody here! Don’t ever forget that.
So Karen gets to lie down in the nurse’s office until school’s about done, then goes home, all relieved that she didn’t have to take the test. Because apparently Karen’s never heard of make-up exams.
Chapter 15: Karen’s Big Lie
Ricky is back the next day and proves he has an immune system of steel because he announces that his cold is all gone. Damn, even assuming he started catching cold on, like, Friday night, that’s a hell of a quick recovery if his symptoms are completely gone by Tuesday. Can I have some of Ricky’s T-cells? Cause I never have a cold that lasts less than a week or more.
And Karen shows her idiocy big-time, because when Ms. Colman wants both her and her hubby to make up the quiz after lunch, she’s all, “Whaaa? But I wasn’t absent! I just missed the quiz! There’s a difference!” But then she decides it’s no big deal, she’ll just pretend like she forgot and go out to recess with everyone else after lunch. Oh, Karen. Pre-meditated lies now? But of course, even Ms. Colman can sometimes manage to scrape together an ounce of sense, because she fetches the lovely couple from the cafeteria after they’re done eating.
So now it’s just Ricky and Karen, alone with Ms. Colman and the test. And holy shit, Ms. C is watching them! Here is where it all comes to a head, and Karen is either forced to struggle through the test and fail, or cheat and be caught! This the end!
Hahahaha, no. Not two minutes into the test, another teacher calls Ms. Colman out to the hall to talk. Oh, my GOD, Ms. C! These are the two kids whose test scores have been suspiciously similar, which caused you to suspect there was cheating going on! And this is your opportunity possibly put it to rest. Whatever this guy has to say can wait. What in the hell is wrong with you?!
Of course, by the time Mr. Berger is finished telling Ms. C. about the awesome lap dance he got at the club last night, Karen has copied Ricky’s entire damn paper. And Karen was apparently so subtle and sneaky about it that Ricky didn’t notice. Because when Ricky is mathing, he is in the zone, and everything else ceases to exist. Or something.
Ooh, but, wait! Before the kids can go play, Ms. C decides to correct the test right then and there! And, hey, that’s interesting! They both got the exact same scores, with the exact same wrong answers! Aw, crap, that means Ms. C actually has to confront her students, including her golden child Karen.
She starts with Ricky. Since this is a first-person narrative, we don’t know what was said, but when she gets to Karen, all she says is, “So I asked Ricky and he said he didn’t copy from you. So did you copy from him?” Really, Ms. Colman? What did you expect them to say? “Why, yes, I did! And I would do it again!” Of course Karen says no, and Ms .C sends her on her way. Why is this woman a teacher?
Chapter 16: The Stay-at-Home Day
So Karen’s feeling the guilt now, and actually acknowledges that she’s done several shitty things lately, from copying to faking sick to lying to Hannie and her revered teacher. So distraught is she that by the evening she feels sick for reals. By the next morning, she’s decided that she’s a bad person. Awww, I hate Karen, but this just makes me sad. Sure she’s a brat and a shitty friend and a lying manipulator, but as someone who’s spent 80% of my life thinking I was a bad person (and being told as much multiple times, once by my psychiatrist), I empathize. Just because a person does bad things doesn’t mean they’re bad people. I think there’s actually hope for Karen if she eventually gets a quality therapist who can help her deal with her narcissism and her lust for attention.
She’s feeling so sick that she asks to stay home that day, and is granted permission. Seth stops in to her room on his way off to work and promises a present for Karen when he gets home. Karen laments to herself that she doesn’t deserve a present, and I agree. She may not be a bad person, but she has definitely been exhibiting extremely awful behavior for the past seven years.
Karen looks through her books written by “Mr. Roald Dahl.” (This seems to be another of Karen’s idiosyncrasies, along with saying that people live “in the state of______”) She remembers she got these books when she turned seven (about five years ago), and wangsts that she didn’t know being seven would be so haaaard, yo!” Please. Even when I was seven, I knew I had a pretty sweet deal, what with not having to get a job, or take care of myself, or pay any bills. Wait til you’re at least old enough to have to have to do your own laundry before bitching about how hard it is to be your age.
In a shocking instance of attempting to parent, Lisa sits Karen down and asks if something’s troubling her, because she seems down. She unintentionally twists the knife by saying how proud she and Seth are of the grades on her math tests (Which, if they were attentive parents, they would notice she hardly ever seemed to be studying for). Lisa almost coaxes the truth out of Karen, but then Andrew came home from preschool (Hell no, Lisa didn’t bother to go pick him up! Apparently, he’s in a “carpool” which probably just means Lisa’s making someone drive her kid to and from school, but does not plan to reciprocate). He needs feeding, so Karen’s off the hook once again.
Chapter 17: Prizes
The next day, Karen’s back in school, and Ms. Colman busts out with a Surprising Announcement right away; according to the principal, the next math quiz will be a contest, and the top two scores from each grade will get free ice cream cones, yay! *Headdesk* Not EVERYTHING has to involve competition and prizes, for the love of GOD!
Normally our little competition-whore would be peeing herself with glee at this announcement, but she’s too worked up about the math thing. Also, the next test will be administered right now. Way to give the excitement time to build, Ms. C.
This apparently proves to be the motivation Karen needs to not cheat, though. In an impressive display of ethical fortitude, Karen realizes that it would be really shitty if she won an ice cream cone that should have gone to another, more honest kid. She doesn’t mention that she’s kind of been sabotaging her husband for the past several weeks by implicating him in a cheating scandal, but it’s something.
So Karen fumbles and finger-counts her way through the problems. And I have to share the accompanying picture, because this was pretty much me in every math class ever. And it’s still what I look like every time I’m adding numbers greater than ten.
At least she got her name right
So Karen realizes she’s fucked up her quiz big-time, and decides she’d better come clean to Ms. Colman.
Chapter 18: The Truth
While everyone else goes to lunch, Karen pulls Ms. C aside and spills her guts, about literally everything-including her brother’s tattoo, though why her teacher should give a shit about her stepbrother’s skin decoration, I have no idea. And neither, I’m sure, does Ms. Colman.
When Karen is finished confessing her sins, Ms. Comes around from behind the screen-desk, whatever-and throws and arm around Karen. And…and after reading this next couple of paragraphs I just…Ms. Colman just sucks so hard as a teacher, it’s actually pissing me off. First, she gives the standard after-school special answer that when you cheat, you’re really only hurting yourself. Please! What about Ricky, who was put on trial just for trying to take his damn tests? What about Hannie, who saw Karen totally get away with cheating, and could now come to the conclusion that it’s okay? I agree that cheating does the cheater much more harm than good in the long run, but there are also almost always other people who are hurt in the process. It’s not a victimless crime.
But it’s what happens next that makes me want to jab stick pins into my eyes to keep myself from reading any further. Ms. Colman tells Karen, “You have skipped a grade. You have skipped because you are very smart. But you cannot expect everything to be easy for you.” Holy shit! I’m not saying Karen should be shamed or screamed at, or flogged in the streets, but damn, you have to at least acknowledge that she did something wrong! Stroking her ego and justifying her actions teaches her nothing! Ms. C says she’ll call Karen’s mom later, and that of course she still wants Karen to be her flower girl. She does not express disappointment with Karen’s behavior, or explain how serious a matter cheating is, or mention any possible consequence for freaking cheating on almost every damn quiz! Not to mention lying to her teacher and potentially letting Ricky take the fall for her actions. Why does everyone coddle this child? I guarantee that if Natalie so much as glanced at Karen’s paper, she would be suspended for a week.
Even more troubling than Ms. Colman’s blasé attitude about Karen’s confession is how she handled the issue in general. She knew by the second quiz that there was something weird going on. And she continued to completely ignore the class during quiz-taking time. She even had the two suspects alone right there in the fucking room with her. This would have been an ideal time to test her theory by having them sit across the room from each other, or just, you know, watching what was going on, both of which she should have done the moment she suspected funny business. But she did literally nothing, just sat back and waited for things to work themselves out. And what if Karen hadn’t decided to come clean on her own? How long was she going to let this cheating thing go on before getting off her ass and doing something about it? How did this woman become a teacher? If I were Karen’s parents (and if I gave a shit about my kid’s education), I would totally be calling Ms. Colman’s ass out for letting my kid cheat on quizzes four times without doing anything about it. Ms. Colman sucks.
You know what fictional teacher handled cheating in the absolute most awesome manner? Mike Folton from Punky Brewster. He was an educating god, and I totally wished he was my teacher. Do a youtube search for the episode “Cheaters Never Prosper” if you’ve got the time. It’s gold.
Unfortunately, Ms. Colman will never be anywhere in Mike's league, and she simply sends Karen on her way. At home, Karen tells her mom, and Ms. Colman does indeed call, and the two grownups chat. Then she calls and tells Daddy. And since she’s spewing truth anyway, she gets both Daddy and Elizabeth on the line, and tells them about DM’s tattoo. Hilariously, Elizabeth actually goes to check. Because he totally could have gotten an actual tattoo without either of them knowing. Of course it turns out it was a temporary tattoo (Whoo, you really had me going there, Ann!), and it’s gone now.
Chapter 19: More Truth
Apparently David Michael got into “a teensy bit of trouble,” since he wasn’t supposed to get any tattoo, even though his was fake. And I take back those ten points I awarded them earlier. Get a grip, guys, it’s a rub-on tattoo! The place I work at gives those things out to two-year-olds.
To my relief, both sets of parents punish Karen for her transgressions. Ms. Colman just says Karen needs extra help with math. And I bang my head against the keyboard repeatedly. What about the falsely-earned quiz scores? Is she planning to change them to 0’s? Is Karen going to have to retake the quizzes? How does this affect the testing process? Who knows! Who cares; it’s Stoneybrook Academy, where no learning actually takes place ever.
At least she comes clean to Ricky before school the next day. He’s rightfully offended, and says he can never trust her again. But Karen promises it’ll never happen again. And I can’t help finding Ricky’s response kind of adorable: “Okay. Then I forgive you. After all, you are my wife.” You’re a decent guy, Ricky, if a bit naïve.
She wants to fix things up with Hannie next, but she’s out with a cold. Interestingly, Leslie asides that she must have gotten it from Ricky. Despite the fact that they sit nowhere near each other in class. Better watch out, Karen, I think Ricky’s getting a little Greek on the side.
Chapter 20: The Picnic (Uuuugh, I don’t wanna!)
To absolutely nobody’s surprise, Ricky and Hannie are proclaimed the winners of the coveted ice cream coupons. Karen offers to bring Hannie her coupon after school so she can apologize. She gives Hannie the rundown: Hannie was right about her cheating, her parents and Ricky already know, she totally got off scot-free with Ms Colman, etc. etc. They make amends, and Karen invites Hannie to come to the company picnic the next day. Strangely, she apparently does not invite Nancy. In fact, we haven’t heard from Nancy since she went off with some friends to play dodgeball back in chapter 10. Good for you, Nancy. You don’t need Karen’s nonsense.
The picnic itself is boring as hell. There’s food and games and general merriment. Karen finds out that DM’s tattoo really is gone, and asks if he’s going to get another. He says no, because he didn’t like keeping it a secret. Of course, what I’m sure he really means is that there’s no point, because he can’t yank Karen’s chain with the same stunt twice.
We get a bit of a Lady-or-The-Tiger ending, in which we aren’t told the outcome of the three-legged race. The book ends with Hannie and Karen walking towards the starting line together. But I can tell you that they certainly won’t be winning this one, because Karen is friggin’ wasted.
If I were Hannie, I would be getting the hell out of the there in a hurry. No good can come of tying yourself to someone in that condition. I love that it seems Karen originally was drawn with a drink in her hand, but the editor decided that might be taking it a little too far. Also, she is larger than life compared to Hannie, so maybe this is actually a depiction of how Karen sees herself at this moment? Pleasantly buzzed, and about to lead one of her subordinates to victory? Either way, I’m contemplating making this picture my desktop wallpaper because I just can’t stop looking at it.
So that’s it. I set out on this journey prepared to hate on Karen, and ended up wanting to rip Ms. Colman a new one instead. Good times!
Part 1: Chapters 1-10
Chapter 11: 100%
Lisa and Seth still can’t be bothered with the whole parenting thing, because they invite some friends over that night for pizza (and presumably, to down brewskis and play erotic Pictionary), without first making sure that Karen had done all of her studying. Yeah, pretty sure my parents never had random parties on a school night. Save that shit for the weekend, you two.
Predictably, there’s another quiz the next day. Fortunately, it’s an all-addition quiz this time. Because, reasons. Ms. Colman hands them out, and then turns her attention away from the class to fiddle around at the chalkboard. What, whaaat?! Now I have been a teacher (albeit only for the preschool set, but still), and I know that teachers have to take advantage of quiet moments to get things done around the classroom. But if you’ve got a situation in which you are reasonably sure there’s cheating going on, you had damn well better be watching those kids like a hawk, I don’t care what other shit you have to do! What is wrong with this woman? I don’t even have an official teaching license, and I could do a better job than Ms. C. Hell, Nancy could probably run that classroom better. Perhaps with Hootie as the teacher’s aide.
So Karen begins plugging away at the first couple of problems, but loses her shit when she looks over at Nancy and Ricky (Yup, it’s just a free peep show up in this classroom) and sees that they’re already way ahead of her. She flips out because she has now set a precedent of getting good marks on her quizzes. If she can’t finish in time, she’ll get a terrible score, and Ms. Colman will know something’s up. Yeah, she might know, but she sure as hell won’t care, so I think Karen’s safe. So she copies Ricky’s whole paper. Just how long was Ms. Colman at that blackboard? Did she seriously not glance at her classroom once this entire time? If all the classes at SA are like this, I wouldn’t send my orangutan there. Not that I have one. Maybe I’d buy an orangutan, just so I could make it a point not to send it there.
Cut to Thursday, and the tests are handed back. Ms. Colman makes takes a moment to announce to everyone that three people got perfect scores: Karen, Ricky, aaaand… Hannie!
It always seemed weird to me to read about teachers announcing to the class who got the top score. I was always taught that a person’s grades were nobody else’s business, whether they were good or bad. I get that she’s trying to get people to work harder by making a big deal out of the top scores. But some kids work as hard as they can, and all they can muster on a test is a C. Way to make them feel inadequate. Maybe this is why you’ve now got a student so desperate to be in your good graces that she’s cheating, you moron. Fun fact: My algebra teacher in high school used to make us announce the grades we got on our homework assignments out loud in front of the class each day. And despite the fact that my dad worked with me every frickin’ night on my math, I always got an F on my assignments. I just couldn’t get the whole algebra thing. One day I got so tired of announcing my failure every morning that I said, “What grade do you think I got?! I got an F, okay?” and left the room, calling, "Damn you!" as I went. I switched math teachers shortly after that. Trying to shame students into getting good grades is never okay.
But I still can’t feel sorry for Karen. She says she feels bad about not earning her grade herself (guilt! About damn time!), and Ms. Colman didn’t smile when she handed back her paper (There’s that desperation for praise thing). Plus, Hannie keep sending her dirty looks, which, duh! I’ve been down on Hannie in this book, but I would be super-pissed, too, if I worked my ass off to get a good grade, and some little shit got the same grade as me by copying off someone else’s paper. What did you think, Karen?
Karen ends the chapter by bemoaning, “I was in a huge mess. And I didn’t know how to get out of it.” Oh, cry me a river, Karen. You got yourself into this mess by cheating not once, but multiple times, and then lying to your friend when she saw you fucking do it! I realize your family sucks and won’t help you study, and that your creepy desire to please Ms. C is preventing you from asking her for help, but this book is only one example of you being a lying, cheating brat. So forgive me if I don’t weep with you.
Chapter 12: The Three-Legged Race
Even though it’s a Little House weekend, Watson calls and asks Lisa to bring the kids over to practice for the games at the company picnic. And, frickin’ really? Who in the hell practices for the events at a company picnic? Is Watson afraid Andrew will shame the family if he can’t spit a watermelon seed a minimum of ten meters? Jesus. I can only assume Kristy is standing next to him with a baseball bat while he makes this call.
So the whole fam gathers in the backyard, and Elizabeth gives them a inspiring pep talk, announcing “The picnic is just a week away. We have to be prepared.” Sweet Lord, what is this?! Are the events being covered by ESPN? Clearly I know nothing about how rich people run company picnics.
Anyway, they’re all practicing the finer nuances of the three-legged race, and who should show up but the young Ms. Papadakis. And I have to hand it to her, she’s got some balls. She oh-so-casually mentions getting a 100% on the last math quiz, and by the way, so did Karen!
Naturally, everyone’s pleasantly surprised, and wants to see her paper. And instead of saying, “I didn’t think I needed to bring it with me to this asinine practice session, you dumbshits,” she just stammers that she forgot it at school. I guess that works, too.
Hannie’s winning me over here with the way she just came over and coolly threw down the gauntlet. Message delivered: Hannie is not fucking around.
Chapter 13: Andrew’s Tattoo
After a few grueling hours of practicing, everyone is inside enjoying a beverage when it occurs to Watson to wonder where Andrew and Emily are. Turns out they’ve given each other magic marker tattoos. For some reason, Karen is convinced that the kids must have gotten the idea because they saw David Michael’s dragon tattoo. It couldn’t possibly be because they all were having an extensive conversation about tattoos in their presence back in chapter three. Karen says she doesn’t want to keep his secret any longer, and that he has to tell their parents, for the love of God and all that is holy! But DM’s just like, “Whatevs, don’t even worry about it.” And, that was a boring chapter. Next!
Chapter 14: Ricky’s Cold
Karen gets to school Monday feeling shitty about the whole cheating thing, and the fact that it’s turned into a huge clusterfuck. Ricky happens to be absent that day, and Karen, ever the doting wife, feels sorry for him for half a second and then forgets about him completely, UNTIL…
If you guessed that Ms. Colman has decided to administer a test today, congratulations. You have more than two brain cells to rub together. Yup, her favorite cheating buddy is absent, and she flips the hell out when she finds that the latest test is littered with subtraction problems. She realizes she has become dependent on Ricky, and knows she can’t do the test without him. So she falls back on the tried-and-true tactic that has been handed down through the ages since cave parents were sending their Neanderthal children to school: she raises her hand and tells Ms. Colman that she thinks she’s going to throw up.
Ms. C, suspecting nothing, decides she better get Karen the hell outta there before she has to call the custodian, so she tells her to go to the nurse. And here’s another fun quiz! Who do you think Ms. Colman sends to walk Karen to the office?
Why, Natalie, of course! She’ll never be chosen to clap the erasers or pass out the art supplies, but if some pukey kid needs an escort to the office? She’s your girl! Poor Nat. Just look at her with her awesome cats-eye glasses and her face full of concern. And adorably, as she parts company with our protagonist, she says, “I hope you do not barf, Karen!” D’awww! Natalie, you’re better than everybody here! Don’t ever forget that.
So Karen gets to lie down in the nurse’s office until school’s about done, then goes home, all relieved that she didn’t have to take the test. Because apparently Karen’s never heard of make-up exams.
Chapter 15: Karen’s Big Lie
Ricky is back the next day and proves he has an immune system of steel because he announces that his cold is all gone. Damn, even assuming he started catching cold on, like, Friday night, that’s a hell of a quick recovery if his symptoms are completely gone by Tuesday. Can I have some of Ricky’s T-cells? Cause I never have a cold that lasts less than a week or more.
And Karen shows her idiocy big-time, because when Ms. Colman wants both her and her hubby to make up the quiz after lunch, she’s all, “Whaaa? But I wasn’t absent! I just missed the quiz! There’s a difference!” But then she decides it’s no big deal, she’ll just pretend like she forgot and go out to recess with everyone else after lunch. Oh, Karen. Pre-meditated lies now? But of course, even Ms. Colman can sometimes manage to scrape together an ounce of sense, because she fetches the lovely couple from the cafeteria after they’re done eating.
So now it’s just Ricky and Karen, alone with Ms. Colman and the test. And holy shit, Ms. C is watching them! Here is where it all comes to a head, and Karen is either forced to struggle through the test and fail, or cheat and be caught! This the end!
Hahahaha, no. Not two minutes into the test, another teacher calls Ms. Colman out to the hall to talk. Oh, my GOD, Ms. C! These are the two kids whose test scores have been suspiciously similar, which caused you to suspect there was cheating going on! And this is your opportunity possibly put it to rest. Whatever this guy has to say can wait. What in the hell is wrong with you?!
Of course, by the time Mr. Berger is finished telling Ms. C. about the awesome lap dance he got at the club last night, Karen has copied Ricky’s entire damn paper. And Karen was apparently so subtle and sneaky about it that Ricky didn’t notice. Because when Ricky is mathing, he is in the zone, and everything else ceases to exist. Or something.
Ooh, but, wait! Before the kids can go play, Ms. C decides to correct the test right then and there! And, hey, that’s interesting! They both got the exact same scores, with the exact same wrong answers! Aw, crap, that means Ms. C actually has to confront her students, including her golden child Karen.
She starts with Ricky. Since this is a first-person narrative, we don’t know what was said, but when she gets to Karen, all she says is, “So I asked Ricky and he said he didn’t copy from you. So did you copy from him?” Really, Ms. Colman? What did you expect them to say? “Why, yes, I did! And I would do it again!” Of course Karen says no, and Ms .C sends her on her way. Why is this woman a teacher?
Chapter 16: The Stay-at-Home Day
So Karen’s feeling the guilt now, and actually acknowledges that she’s done several shitty things lately, from copying to faking sick to lying to Hannie and her revered teacher. So distraught is she that by the evening she feels sick for reals. By the next morning, she’s decided that she’s a bad person. Awww, I hate Karen, but this just makes me sad. Sure she’s a brat and a shitty friend and a lying manipulator, but as someone who’s spent 80% of my life thinking I was a bad person (and being told as much multiple times, once by my psychiatrist), I empathize. Just because a person does bad things doesn’t mean they’re bad people. I think there’s actually hope for Karen if she eventually gets a quality therapist who can help her deal with her narcissism and her lust for attention.
She’s feeling so sick that she asks to stay home that day, and is granted permission. Seth stops in to her room on his way off to work and promises a present for Karen when he gets home. Karen laments to herself that she doesn’t deserve a present, and I agree. She may not be a bad person, but she has definitely been exhibiting extremely awful behavior for the past seven years.
Karen looks through her books written by “Mr. Roald Dahl.” (This seems to be another of Karen’s idiosyncrasies, along with saying that people live “in the state of______”) She remembers she got these books when she turned seven (about five years ago), and wangsts that she didn’t know being seven would be so haaaard, yo!” Please. Even when I was seven, I knew I had a pretty sweet deal, what with not having to get a job, or take care of myself, or pay any bills. Wait til you’re at least old enough to have to have to do your own laundry before bitching about how hard it is to be your age.
In a shocking instance of attempting to parent, Lisa sits Karen down and asks if something’s troubling her, because she seems down. She unintentionally twists the knife by saying how proud she and Seth are of the grades on her math tests (Which, if they were attentive parents, they would notice she hardly ever seemed to be studying for). Lisa almost coaxes the truth out of Karen, but then Andrew came home from preschool (Hell no, Lisa didn’t bother to go pick him up! Apparently, he’s in a “carpool” which probably just means Lisa’s making someone drive her kid to and from school, but does not plan to reciprocate). He needs feeding, so Karen’s off the hook once again.
Chapter 17: Prizes
The next day, Karen’s back in school, and Ms. Colman busts out with a Surprising Announcement right away; according to the principal, the next math quiz will be a contest, and the top two scores from each grade will get free ice cream cones, yay! *Headdesk* Not EVERYTHING has to involve competition and prizes, for the love of GOD!
Normally our little competition-whore would be peeing herself with glee at this announcement, but she’s too worked up about the math thing. Also, the next test will be administered right now. Way to give the excitement time to build, Ms. C.
This apparently proves to be the motivation Karen needs to not cheat, though. In an impressive display of ethical fortitude, Karen realizes that it would be really shitty if she won an ice cream cone that should have gone to another, more honest kid. She doesn’t mention that she’s kind of been sabotaging her husband for the past several weeks by implicating him in a cheating scandal, but it’s something.
So Karen fumbles and finger-counts her way through the problems. And I have to share the accompanying picture, because this was pretty much me in every math class ever. And it’s still what I look like every time I’m adding numbers greater than ten.
At least she got her name right
So Karen realizes she’s fucked up her quiz big-time, and decides she’d better come clean to Ms. Colman.
Chapter 18: The Truth
While everyone else goes to lunch, Karen pulls Ms. C aside and spills her guts, about literally everything-including her brother’s tattoo, though why her teacher should give a shit about her stepbrother’s skin decoration, I have no idea. And neither, I’m sure, does Ms. Colman.
When Karen is finished confessing her sins, Ms. Comes around from behind the screen-desk, whatever-and throws and arm around Karen. And…and after reading this next couple of paragraphs I just…Ms. Colman just sucks so hard as a teacher, it’s actually pissing me off. First, she gives the standard after-school special answer that when you cheat, you’re really only hurting yourself. Please! What about Ricky, who was put on trial just for trying to take his damn tests? What about Hannie, who saw Karen totally get away with cheating, and could now come to the conclusion that it’s okay? I agree that cheating does the cheater much more harm than good in the long run, but there are also almost always other people who are hurt in the process. It’s not a victimless crime.
But it’s what happens next that makes me want to jab stick pins into my eyes to keep myself from reading any further. Ms. Colman tells Karen, “You have skipped a grade. You have skipped because you are very smart. But you cannot expect everything to be easy for you.” Holy shit! I’m not saying Karen should be shamed or screamed at, or flogged in the streets, but damn, you have to at least acknowledge that she did something wrong! Stroking her ego and justifying her actions teaches her nothing! Ms. C says she’ll call Karen’s mom later, and that of course she still wants Karen to be her flower girl. She does not express disappointment with Karen’s behavior, or explain how serious a matter cheating is, or mention any possible consequence for freaking cheating on almost every damn quiz! Not to mention lying to her teacher and potentially letting Ricky take the fall for her actions. Why does everyone coddle this child? I guarantee that if Natalie so much as glanced at Karen’s paper, she would be suspended for a week.
Even more troubling than Ms. Colman’s blasé attitude about Karen’s confession is how she handled the issue in general. She knew by the second quiz that there was something weird going on. And she continued to completely ignore the class during quiz-taking time. She even had the two suspects alone right there in the fucking room with her. This would have been an ideal time to test her theory by having them sit across the room from each other, or just, you know, watching what was going on, both of which she should have done the moment she suspected funny business. But she did literally nothing, just sat back and waited for things to work themselves out. And what if Karen hadn’t decided to come clean on her own? How long was she going to let this cheating thing go on before getting off her ass and doing something about it? How did this woman become a teacher? If I were Karen’s parents (and if I gave a shit about my kid’s education), I would totally be calling Ms. Colman’s ass out for letting my kid cheat on quizzes four times without doing anything about it. Ms. Colman sucks.
You know what fictional teacher handled cheating in the absolute most awesome manner? Mike Folton from Punky Brewster. He was an educating god, and I totally wished he was my teacher. Do a youtube search for the episode “Cheaters Never Prosper” if you’ve got the time. It’s gold.
Unfortunately, Ms. Colman will never be anywhere in Mike's league, and she simply sends Karen on her way. At home, Karen tells her mom, and Ms. Colman does indeed call, and the two grownups chat. Then she calls and tells Daddy. And since she’s spewing truth anyway, she gets both Daddy and Elizabeth on the line, and tells them about DM’s tattoo. Hilariously, Elizabeth actually goes to check. Because he totally could have gotten an actual tattoo without either of them knowing. Of course it turns out it was a temporary tattoo (Whoo, you really had me going there, Ann!), and it’s gone now.
Chapter 19: More Truth
Apparently David Michael got into “a teensy bit of trouble,” since he wasn’t supposed to get any tattoo, even though his was fake. And I take back those ten points I awarded them earlier. Get a grip, guys, it’s a rub-on tattoo! The place I work at gives those things out to two-year-olds.
To my relief, both sets of parents punish Karen for her transgressions. Ms. Colman just says Karen needs extra help with math. And I bang my head against the keyboard repeatedly. What about the falsely-earned quiz scores? Is she planning to change them to 0’s? Is Karen going to have to retake the quizzes? How does this affect the testing process? Who knows! Who cares; it’s Stoneybrook Academy, where no learning actually takes place ever.
At least she comes clean to Ricky before school the next day. He’s rightfully offended, and says he can never trust her again. But Karen promises it’ll never happen again. And I can’t help finding Ricky’s response kind of adorable: “Okay. Then I forgive you. After all, you are my wife.” You’re a decent guy, Ricky, if a bit naïve.
She wants to fix things up with Hannie next, but she’s out with a cold. Interestingly, Leslie asides that she must have gotten it from Ricky. Despite the fact that they sit nowhere near each other in class. Better watch out, Karen, I think Ricky’s getting a little Greek on the side.
Chapter 20: The Picnic (Uuuugh, I don’t wanna!)
To absolutely nobody’s surprise, Ricky and Hannie are proclaimed the winners of the coveted ice cream coupons. Karen offers to bring Hannie her coupon after school so she can apologize. She gives Hannie the rundown: Hannie was right about her cheating, her parents and Ricky already know, she totally got off scot-free with Ms Colman, etc. etc. They make amends, and Karen invites Hannie to come to the company picnic the next day. Strangely, she apparently does not invite Nancy. In fact, we haven’t heard from Nancy since she went off with some friends to play dodgeball back in chapter 10. Good for you, Nancy. You don’t need Karen’s nonsense.
The picnic itself is boring as hell. There’s food and games and general merriment. Karen finds out that DM’s tattoo really is gone, and asks if he’s going to get another. He says no, because he didn’t like keeping it a secret. Of course, what I’m sure he really means is that there’s no point, because he can’t yank Karen’s chain with the same stunt twice.
We get a bit of a Lady-or-The-Tiger ending, in which we aren’t told the outcome of the three-legged race. The book ends with Hannie and Karen walking towards the starting line together. But I can tell you that they certainly won’t be winning this one, because Karen is friggin’ wasted.
If I were Hannie, I would be getting the hell out of the there in a hurry. No good can come of tying yourself to someone in that condition. I love that it seems Karen originally was drawn with a drink in her hand, but the editor decided that might be taking it a little too far. Also, she is larger than life compared to Hannie, so maybe this is actually a depiction of how Karen sees herself at this moment? Pleasantly buzzed, and about to lead one of her subordinates to victory? Either way, I’m contemplating making this picture my desktop wallpaper because I just can’t stop looking at it.
So that’s it. I set out on this journey prepared to hate on Karen, and ended up wanting to rip Ms. Colman a new one instead. Good times!