Karen's Doll (7-13)
When we left Karen, she was trying to steal all the attention from her "best friend's" sickness and hospitalization, turning the meaningful gesture of a get well card (one of her FEW meaningful gestures) into a show of one-upsmanship. Nancy being sick is the main drive of the plot, so let's see what else Karen gets into.
Chapter 7
Karen and Lisa are en route to the hospital to deliver the card and Karen is bragging about how many signatures she got. For fuck's sake, Karen, it's not YOUR card, it's Nancy's! And how the HELL did she get another teacher who doesn't even know Nancy, the fucking JANITOR, and the principal to sign this card? What exactly did she do to rope these three faculty members who don't even care about or even know who Nancy is to sign this card? What did Karen DO to these poor souls?! Then she gets Lisa and Andrew to sign it, but that doesn't really take any work. It's bothering me now ;_; WHAT DID SHE DO TO THOSE POOR PEOPLE to get them to sign this card for some random little girl?!
At the hospital, Karen learns that children under 12 are not allowed in to visit. I learned in another book that this is because of the high possibility of cross-infection to young children with weaker immune systems. Karen whines that Musketeers ARE immediate family, dammit, and they SHOULD be allowed in, but there's no way in hell this hospital orderly is going to lose his job because of a whining little girl. To placate her, he tells her that he'll make sure the card gets to Nancy. Karen makes a GIGANTIC DEAL out of treating this guy like a total idiot, spelling out Nancy's name and teaching him his alphabet in the process like, "D as in dog, A as in apple," etc. If I were this orderly, this is when I would tell Karen to either shut up or she can take her card and go home. When he finally says he'll make sure Nancy Dawes and not Nancy Whoeverthefuck is the one to get the card, Karen SNATCHES IT OUT OF HIS HAND and orders him to take it up to her HIMSELF because she can't trust anyone else to get it to the correct Nancy, because people who work in hospitals are all idiotic monkeys apparently. The guy is pretty irked now but begrudgingly tells her he'll personally deliver the card during his break. I'd like to think he took it and threw it in the paper shredder right after she left. As she's leaving, Karen yells out "REMEMBER, THAT'S NANCY D-A-W-E-S" oh my god just burn the card already. Hell, burn it right in front of her EYES. Lisa calls Karen out on her shitty attitude towards that poor man who was just trying to do his job, but then immediately forgets about it after Karen goes "But but I was just trying to make sure it gets to the right person!" Oh where oh where is road_baby? I remember that she likes to make Karen Sims to set on fire...
Unfortunately, the poor harassed orderly did not throw the card in the shredder, and did indeed personally deliver Nancy's card at the beck and call of a 7-year-old tyrant, and Nancy calls back saying that she loves the card. I'll bet if she saw how Karen handled the signing and delivery of it, she wouldn't love that. Karen gets an idea to send Kristy in her place to visit Nancy and keep her company and act as her little messenger monkey.
Chapter 8
Way to forget to feed your fish for one whole day, Karen. This is how the first one died. Your 4-year-old brother actually takes care of HIS unimaginatively-named fish. Maybe HE should have both fish and you should have absolutely nothing. Before Kristy leaves, Karen gets the quick idea to dress up in Nannie's clothes and pretend to be Nancy's severely-osteoperosis-ridden grandmother, even though she makes a big show of explaining how Nannie doesn't wear "normal grandma clothes." I mean, she wears PANTS!!! And...and BOWLING SUITS!!! How very un-grandmalike of her!
Kristy asks Karen if she wants to give anything to Nancy--she specifically says GIVE. Take note of this, because this will be important. Karen decides that she wants to give a visit with Hyacynthia, since Nancy loves her so much. But instead of telling Kristy, "I would like you to let Hyacynthia visit Nancy for the day" or something like that, she specifically says, "I would like you to take Hyacynthia to Nancy," implying that she is in fact giving away Hyacynthia. At the same time, Kristy should have questioned this way beyond "Are you sure?" Is she really that dumb enough to assume Karen would give away her expensive porcelain baby doll--or even be ALLOWED to do such a thing--completely on the fly? At the same time, Karen is also a dumbass for not clarifying. She just says yes and hands Hyacynthia to Kristy. I would trust a 13-year-old with one of my dolls if I was doped up on meth. They aren't known for giving enough of a shit about dolls to properly handle them. I wouldn't be surprised if Kristy just left Hyacynthia on a table and walked away to use the phone or the bathroom or something. *shudder*
Chapter 9
Karen is anxious for Kristy to come back, but not because she wants to hear any news on her friend's recovery, oh no! It's because she wants to know how Hyacynthia handled the trip. That being said, when Kristy comes home the only thing out of her mouth is "How's Hyacynthia?" and Kristy is the one to call her out on "Uh...shouldn't you be asking about Nancy?" Karen just cares SO MUCH about her friends. Karen handwaves it by going "Oh please I talk to Nancy all the time. This is Hyacynthia's first time away from me though." So sensitive too! Kristy updates Karen on Nancy's recovery, and all Karen cares about is "This means Hyacynthia will come back soon!" Get BENT, Karen. Kristy tells Karen that it was very generous of her to give her new doll to Nancy, and what a fucking dumbass because do you really think that Karen A. would give something like that away on the fly and B. would care enough about another human being to do so? And Karen, don't you think NOW is the time to tell Kristy you're not giving Hyacynthia away?!
While they're baking cookies and Karen is blissfully forgetting all about Nancy, she gets a call from said forgotten friend. Nancy is really happy about having Hyacynthia there for company and Karen gets all stomach achey worrying about her. Need I remind you that she NEVER got this anxious about Nancy or her illness, not even in the 5th chapter where she actually showed some empathy. I mean, I love my dolls, but if I received news that one of my dolls broke a leg on the same day I received news that my best friend is in the hospital and requires surgery, you can bet your ass I'm going to be more worried about my best friend.
Karen also laments that Hyacynthia isn't there to have cookies with her. Nancy who?
Chapter 10
Karen is a total dumbass in this book. She realizes AFTER she gives Hyacynthia to Nancy that she's going to have to come back to the little house without Hyacynthia and explain to Lisa. Why the hell didn't you ask Lisa for permission to do this BEFORE you went and did it? Oh right, 'cause you're Karen. That being said, okay, you gave the doll away without permission. How about you confront your mother and explain that you did THAT, then? But no, because you're Karen, you decide to instead bribe her with cookies and then lies about losing her at the big house. "What a fucking paramecium-brained idiotic moron" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it. Karen's only lament is that now she won't be patted on the head for being such a kind, generous, thoughtful friend for leaving her REAL ENGLISH baby doll with her sick best friend! This kid has severe problems and needs therapy.
Instead of calling Watson and saying, "Hey, Karen says she left her doll at your house, can you look around for her?" because hell will freeze over before Lisa calls Watson about ANYTHING, she decides that Karen is going to have to go the two weeks without Hyacynthia so she can think about her irresponsibility. Didn't Karen stop to think that the possibility of Lisa calling the big house existed, or does even she realize that Lisa would rather shoot herself than communicate with her ex-husband for five damn minutes?
Now Karen is wondering what's going to happen when Nancy gives Hyacynthia back when she comes home on Tuesday. Anyone with a brain could see there are multiple solutions to this, from TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH NOW to asking Nancy to hold Hyacynthia for the two weeks. Instead, she decides to either hide Hyacynthia (and possibly ACTUALLY lose her!!) or rope Hannie into this to cover her ass. Then she whines that "it's haaaaard to follow grown-up rules." A lot of Karen's "cute, imaginative, zany schemes" read out like the plans of Baby's First Criminal Mastermind...
Chapter 11
"It's Tuesday and Hyacynthia's coming home today! Oh, I mean...NANCY'S coming home today! But who's Nancy again...oh yeah, that girl who has my REAL ENGLISH baby doll! I remember her!" You know, Karen might fare better at this point in her life just having dolls and toys to be her "best friends," until she is ready to learn what it actually means to have a best friend. Yes, I know she's a child, but the other children--including Nancy and Hannie themselves--in these books seem to know what being a friend is REALLY about. Karen should take some time to learn that, while at the same time she can have her dolls to combat the loneliness and to practice what she learns about what REAL friendship is. But there are no therapists in Stoneybrook. Because Claudia, Kristy, and possibly Mary Anne need one, too.
So, because she's the most idiotic little child ever, it isn't until right this moment that Karen learns that Nancy thinks Hyacynthia is for keeps. It's been alluded to like crazy, and Karen even told Kristy she wants to GIVE Hyacynthia to Nancy, and yet Little Miss Grade Skipper couldn't pick up on that until Mrs. Dawes says it? Nancy shows Karen her appendectomy scar and Karen tells her to name it Squiggles. o_o Karen scopes for Hyacynthia and discovers that she is wearing a non-Karen-approved bonnet on her head. It turns out Nancy has handcrafted a whole bunch of clothing and accessories for Hyacynthia. I'm impressed that a 7-year-old could handcraft all these doll clothes. And obviously Nancy cares more about Hyacynthia than Karen does. Nancy sees Hyacynthia as a friend, whereas Karen sees her as free bragging rights. She doesn't even care enough about her TOYS, much less her human friends! Karen is now horrified because this means Nancy really does think she can keep Hyacynthia. I think Nancy deserves Hyacynthia more.
Chapter 12
Karen hightails it out of Nancy's place and refuses to even talk about Nancy because reclaiming her REAL ENGLISH bragging rights reward is much more important. She also refuses to just pull Nancy aside and go "Hey, listen, I was only intending for Hyacynthia to visit you in the hospital, not to give her to you" because her now-nonexistent appendix will have a relapse or something if she does that??? I never realized this until I re-read these books this year, but Karen is an utterly terrifying child. Now she's worried that Mrs. Dawes will call Lisa about Hyacynthia, and NOW she brings up the slight possibility that Lisa and Watson will communicate. Karen contemplates stealing Hyacynthia back and replacing her with a decoy and wonders if she can go to jail for that and I can't with her sometimes. Now her biggest problem is where the hell is she going to get a decoy if this is a REAL ENGLISH baby doll who can only be found in REAL ENGLAND, so now she's contemplating the price of a plane ticket to REAL ENGLAND and this child seriously thinks that the better solution than just explaining the fucking truth is to hatch a convoluted scheme to fly to London.
Chapter 13
Karen has been quiet lately. Instead of savoring this once-in-a-lifetime moment, Seth asks her what's up. She says that she misses Hyacynthia. Seth is one of the few sane parents in Stoneybrook. Shouldn't it set off warning bells to him that his stepdaughter cares more about a doll in the midst of her best friend's surgery? Karen decides the best thing to do about this is to remain silent about the whole thing. It's only a little less stupid than flying to London to get a decoy and break into the house.
Nancy is back in school. Surprisingly, Karen doesn't bitch about how she's getting all the attention now, or try to steal it away from her. She does huff a bit that Nancy isn't referring to the scar as Squiggles. Then Nancy reveals that Karen gave Hyacynthia to her to help her feel better, and now that she's basking in the glow of how much of a ~good friend~ she is she's starting to think it was somewhat worth it. Anything to get 5 minutes of fame. Karen decides maybe Nancy should just keep Hyacynthia and this is my internal reaction. But of course, she can't, because Lisa's going to bring down the hand of "YOU MADE YOUR GRANDMOTHER BUY YOU AN 80+ DOLLAR PORCELAIN DOLL ONLY TO GIVE IT THE FUCK AWAY?!"
God Karen is stupid.
Chapter 7
Karen and Lisa are en route to the hospital to deliver the card and Karen is bragging about how many signatures she got. For fuck's sake, Karen, it's not YOUR card, it's Nancy's! And how the HELL did she get another teacher who doesn't even know Nancy, the fucking JANITOR, and the principal to sign this card? What exactly did she do to rope these three faculty members who don't even care about or even know who Nancy is to sign this card? What did Karen DO to these poor souls?! Then she gets Lisa and Andrew to sign it, but that doesn't really take any work. It's bothering me now ;_; WHAT DID SHE DO TO THOSE POOR PEOPLE to get them to sign this card for some random little girl?!
At the hospital, Karen learns that children under 12 are not allowed in to visit. I learned in another book that this is because of the high possibility of cross-infection to young children with weaker immune systems. Karen whines that Musketeers ARE immediate family, dammit, and they SHOULD be allowed in, but there's no way in hell this hospital orderly is going to lose his job because of a whining little girl. To placate her, he tells her that he'll make sure the card gets to Nancy. Karen makes a GIGANTIC DEAL out of treating this guy like a total idiot, spelling out Nancy's name and teaching him his alphabet in the process like, "D as in dog, A as in apple," etc. If I were this orderly, this is when I would tell Karen to either shut up or she can take her card and go home. When he finally says he'll make sure Nancy Dawes and not Nancy Whoeverthefuck is the one to get the card, Karen SNATCHES IT OUT OF HIS HAND and orders him to take it up to her HIMSELF because she can't trust anyone else to get it to the correct Nancy, because people who work in hospitals are all idiotic monkeys apparently. The guy is pretty irked now but begrudgingly tells her he'll personally deliver the card during his break. I'd like to think he took it and threw it in the paper shredder right after she left. As she's leaving, Karen yells out "REMEMBER, THAT'S NANCY D-A-W-E-S" oh my god just burn the card already. Hell, burn it right in front of her EYES. Lisa calls Karen out on her shitty attitude towards that poor man who was just trying to do his job, but then immediately forgets about it after Karen goes "But but I was just trying to make sure it gets to the right person!" Oh where oh where is road_baby? I remember that she likes to make Karen Sims to set on fire...
Unfortunately, the poor harassed orderly did not throw the card in the shredder, and did indeed personally deliver Nancy's card at the beck and call of a 7-year-old tyrant, and Nancy calls back saying that she loves the card. I'll bet if she saw how Karen handled the signing and delivery of it, she wouldn't love that. Karen gets an idea to send Kristy in her place to visit Nancy and keep her company and act as her little messenger monkey.
Chapter 8
Way to forget to feed your fish for one whole day, Karen. This is how the first one died. Your 4-year-old brother actually takes care of HIS unimaginatively-named fish. Maybe HE should have both fish and you should have absolutely nothing. Before Kristy leaves, Karen gets the quick idea to dress up in Nannie's clothes and pretend to be Nancy's severely-osteoperosis-ridden grandmother, even though she makes a big show of explaining how Nannie doesn't wear "normal grandma clothes." I mean, she wears PANTS!!! And...and BOWLING SUITS!!! How very un-grandmalike of her!
Kristy asks Karen if she wants to give anything to Nancy--she specifically says GIVE. Take note of this, because this will be important. Karen decides that she wants to give a visit with Hyacynthia, since Nancy loves her so much. But instead of telling Kristy, "I would like you to let Hyacynthia visit Nancy for the day" or something like that, she specifically says, "I would like you to take Hyacynthia to Nancy," implying that she is in fact giving away Hyacynthia. At the same time, Kristy should have questioned this way beyond "Are you sure?" Is she really that dumb enough to assume Karen would give away her expensive porcelain baby doll--or even be ALLOWED to do such a thing--completely on the fly? At the same time, Karen is also a dumbass for not clarifying. She just says yes and hands Hyacynthia to Kristy. I would trust a 13-year-old with one of my dolls if I was doped up on meth. They aren't known for giving enough of a shit about dolls to properly handle them. I wouldn't be surprised if Kristy just left Hyacynthia on a table and walked away to use the phone or the bathroom or something. *shudder*
Chapter 9
Karen is anxious for Kristy to come back, but not because she wants to hear any news on her friend's recovery, oh no! It's because she wants to know how Hyacynthia handled the trip. That being said, when Kristy comes home the only thing out of her mouth is "How's Hyacynthia?" and Kristy is the one to call her out on "Uh...shouldn't you be asking about Nancy?" Karen just cares SO MUCH about her friends. Karen handwaves it by going "Oh please I talk to Nancy all the time. This is Hyacynthia's first time away from me though." So sensitive too! Kristy updates Karen on Nancy's recovery, and all Karen cares about is "This means Hyacynthia will come back soon!" Get BENT, Karen. Kristy tells Karen that it was very generous of her to give her new doll to Nancy, and what a fucking dumbass because do you really think that Karen A. would give something like that away on the fly and B. would care enough about another human being to do so? And Karen, don't you think NOW is the time to tell Kristy you're not giving Hyacynthia away?!
While they're baking cookies and Karen is blissfully forgetting all about Nancy, she gets a call from said forgotten friend. Nancy is really happy about having Hyacynthia there for company and Karen gets all stomach achey worrying about her. Need I remind you that she NEVER got this anxious about Nancy or her illness, not even in the 5th chapter where she actually showed some empathy. I mean, I love my dolls, but if I received news that one of my dolls broke a leg on the same day I received news that my best friend is in the hospital and requires surgery, you can bet your ass I'm going to be more worried about my best friend.
Karen also laments that Hyacynthia isn't there to have cookies with her. Nancy who?
Chapter 10
Karen is a total dumbass in this book. She realizes AFTER she gives Hyacynthia to Nancy that she's going to have to come back to the little house without Hyacynthia and explain to Lisa. Why the hell didn't you ask Lisa for permission to do this BEFORE you went and did it? Oh right, 'cause you're Karen. That being said, okay, you gave the doll away without permission. How about you confront your mother and explain that you did THAT, then? But no, because you're Karen, you decide to instead bribe her with cookies and then lies about losing her at the big house. "What a fucking paramecium-brained idiotic moron" doesn't even BEGIN to cover it. Karen's only lament is that now she won't be patted on the head for being such a kind, generous, thoughtful friend for leaving her REAL ENGLISH baby doll with her sick best friend! This kid has severe problems and needs therapy.
Instead of calling Watson and saying, "Hey, Karen says she left her doll at your house, can you look around for her?" because hell will freeze over before Lisa calls Watson about ANYTHING, she decides that Karen is going to have to go the two weeks without Hyacynthia so she can think about her irresponsibility. Didn't Karen stop to think that the possibility of Lisa calling the big house existed, or does even she realize that Lisa would rather shoot herself than communicate with her ex-husband for five damn minutes?
Now Karen is wondering what's going to happen when Nancy gives Hyacynthia back when she comes home on Tuesday. Anyone with a brain could see there are multiple solutions to this, from TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH NOW to asking Nancy to hold Hyacynthia for the two weeks. Instead, she decides to either hide Hyacynthia (and possibly ACTUALLY lose her!!) or rope Hannie into this to cover her ass. Then she whines that "it's haaaaard to follow grown-up rules." A lot of Karen's "cute, imaginative, zany schemes" read out like the plans of Baby's First Criminal Mastermind...
Chapter 11
"It's Tuesday and Hyacynthia's coming home today! Oh, I mean...NANCY'S coming home today! But who's Nancy again...oh yeah, that girl who has my REAL ENGLISH baby doll! I remember her!" You know, Karen might fare better at this point in her life just having dolls and toys to be her "best friends," until she is ready to learn what it actually means to have a best friend. Yes, I know she's a child, but the other children--including Nancy and Hannie themselves--in these books seem to know what being a friend is REALLY about. Karen should take some time to learn that, while at the same time she can have her dolls to combat the loneliness and to practice what she learns about what REAL friendship is. But there are no therapists in Stoneybrook. Because Claudia, Kristy, and possibly Mary Anne need one, too.
So, because she's the most idiotic little child ever, it isn't until right this moment that Karen learns that Nancy thinks Hyacynthia is for keeps. It's been alluded to like crazy, and Karen even told Kristy she wants to GIVE Hyacynthia to Nancy, and yet Little Miss Grade Skipper couldn't pick up on that until Mrs. Dawes says it? Nancy shows Karen her appendectomy scar and Karen tells her to name it Squiggles. o_o Karen scopes for Hyacynthia and discovers that she is wearing a non-Karen-approved bonnet on her head. It turns out Nancy has handcrafted a whole bunch of clothing and accessories for Hyacynthia. I'm impressed that a 7-year-old could handcraft all these doll clothes. And obviously Nancy cares more about Hyacynthia than Karen does. Nancy sees Hyacynthia as a friend, whereas Karen sees her as free bragging rights. She doesn't even care enough about her TOYS, much less her human friends! Karen is now horrified because this means Nancy really does think she can keep Hyacynthia. I think Nancy deserves Hyacynthia more.
Chapter 12
Karen hightails it out of Nancy's place and refuses to even talk about Nancy because reclaiming her REAL ENGLISH bragging rights reward is much more important. She also refuses to just pull Nancy aside and go "Hey, listen, I was only intending for Hyacynthia to visit you in the hospital, not to give her to you" because her now-nonexistent appendix will have a relapse or something if she does that??? I never realized this until I re-read these books this year, but Karen is an utterly terrifying child. Now she's worried that Mrs. Dawes will call Lisa about Hyacynthia, and NOW she brings up the slight possibility that Lisa and Watson will communicate. Karen contemplates stealing Hyacynthia back and replacing her with a decoy and wonders if she can go to jail for that and I can't with her sometimes. Now her biggest problem is where the hell is she going to get a decoy if this is a REAL ENGLISH baby doll who can only be found in REAL ENGLAND, so now she's contemplating the price of a plane ticket to REAL ENGLAND and this child seriously thinks that the better solution than just explaining the fucking truth is to hatch a convoluted scheme to fly to London.
Chapter 13
Karen has been quiet lately. Instead of savoring this once-in-a-lifetime moment, Seth asks her what's up. She says that she misses Hyacynthia. Seth is one of the few sane parents in Stoneybrook. Shouldn't it set off warning bells to him that his stepdaughter cares more about a doll in the midst of her best friend's surgery? Karen decides the best thing to do about this is to remain silent about the whole thing. It's only a little less stupid than flying to London to get a decoy and break into the house.
Nancy is back in school. Surprisingly, Karen doesn't bitch about how she's getting all the attention now, or try to steal it away from her. She does huff a bit that Nancy isn't referring to the scar as Squiggles. Then Nancy reveals that Karen gave Hyacynthia to her to help her feel better, and now that she's basking in the glow of how much of a ~good friend~ she is she's starting to think it was somewhat worth it. Anything to get 5 minutes of fame. Karen decides maybe Nancy should just keep Hyacynthia and this is my internal reaction. But of course, she can't, because Lisa's going to bring down the hand of "YOU MADE YOUR GRANDMOTHER BUY YOU AN 80+ DOLLAR PORCELAIN DOLL ONLY TO GIVE IT THE FUCK AWAY?!"
God Karen is stupid.