Karen's Roller Skates (Baby Sitters Little Sister #2)
The Baby-Sitters Little Sister
#2: Karen’s Roller Skates
Cover Snark:
Well, when you look at how high Karen is when she's
jumping the cans, it's no wonder she didn't break
something sooner. Even though it didn't exactly happen
that way. Also, I don't think mid-air is the right time
for self congratulations. She's totally throwing her
arms over her head all "YEAH I ROCK!" Wait til you land
first, Karen.
CHAPTER 1
The chapter opens Karen barreling down the sidewalk on
her new roller skates, yelling at Nancy and Andrew to
jump away because that's easier than it is for her to
stop. So we're three lines in and I already know where
Karen messed up...she thinks she's a lot better than
she really is. Common problem, but when you add wheels
into the equation bad things happen.
The next paragraph she introduces herself and tells us
that she's a world champion skater. Then she admits not
a world champion or a champion. Just very good. But if
you were very good, Karen, you would be able to STOP.
It's a pretty basic concept.
She lists the things she's good at and basically I
think she and I skate at the same level. Which is no
compliment, because after I go skating I usually have
to sit on a pillow for several days. Claiming to "try
any trick I see" is also not something to brag about in
my opinion. That's how you get on Jackass.
Watson shows some common sense and has told Karen she
shouldn't do tricks because they don't want broken
bones. And yet...well, I can't bag on Karen too much.
She's six. My friend and I set up a BMX course in my
backyard when we were ten or eleven. I'm so glad I made
him try it first, considering he was turned into a
human projectile over the handle bars. Apparently bikes
don't jump. Who'd a thunk?
I think her special skating outfit sounds pretty fugly,
but again I'll give her a pass because it's the 80's.
And why no helmet? Knees are good, wrists are good,
heads are essential to life.
Karen admits she's had a few small accidents when she
almost mows Nancy and Andrew down again. If I were
Nancy, I would suddenly need to go home for some made
up reason. Thankfully her mother calls her in just then
and Lisa calls for the wee daredevil before she can
kill any body. That day.
Apparently Karen and Andrew are going to Watson's a day
early because Lisa and Seth are going on a three day
vacation to "the state of Maine." I'm glad they're not
going to the country of Maine, I hear the food there is
terrible. She wishes she was going, but she's glad to
roller skate all weekend at her father's. The chapter
ends with an omnious 'there was a new trick I wanted to
try.'
Oh shit.
CHAPTER 2
Karen wakes up Saturday morning telling us it's hard to
wake up, but not on Saturday mornings. Actually, I am
much more likely to get pissed about being woken early
on a Saturday. Then she talks about kissing stuffed
animals and scrunching up the pillow. Screw that, let
me sleep like a zombie until noon. Now that's a good
Saturday morning!
She doesn't get to see Moosie very often. Awwww. I know
she has Goosie, but that sort of hits a soft spot with
me. Maybe because I'm a toy collector? Or because I
slept with stuffed animals until I was twenty-five and
my Min Pin, Marty the Stuffie Slayer, came into my
life?
It's two-two time. Karen mentions the big house and the
little house.
Oh, Karen has to tell us about Morbidda Destiny again.
She's seen her with a broom! She must be a witch! Burn
her! And the "she grows magic herbs in a garden in her
backyard" makes me laugh, because my father did that in
the seventies too. But they're only magic if you smoke
them.
She puts on her skating outfit and goes downstairs for
breakfast. I have a bad feeling about this, guys.
CHAPTER 3
Karen complains about only have one skating outfit and
one pair of skates, so she has to remember to bring
them back and forth. If she has so much trouble
remembering and I'm right about her being ADHD, has it
ever occured to Lisa and Watson to help her not forget
to bring things or take things home? I mean, I grew up
ADD and my mother spent half of my childhood making
sure I was taking or bringing the right things to the
right places.
Okay, I'm 32 and still ADHD and she STILL reminds me
constantly about things. And my father buys me Post It
notes. Pink ones. I have awesome parents.
Karen is not allowed to wear her roller skates indoors
at either house and I'm wondering why she's telling us
this because I kinda thought that was a universal type
of thing. Hell, at my house we weren't even allowed to
wear SHOES indoors.
Elizabeth asks Karen to take Shannon for a walk.
Bernese Mountain Dogs are BIG dogs, and if Shannon is
still a puppy I'm sure she suffers from Big Dumb Puppy
syndrome, common in young large breed dogs. Is this
really a good idea? I would think a six year old
wouldn't be able to wrestle down a big puppy like that.
Unless she's been to obediance school. Shannon, I mean,
not Karen. Though I think Karen might benefit more from
it.
Using six year old logic, Karen decides that getting
Andrew to hold onto Shannon's leash while he rides his
trike and she skates ahead of them is a GREAT idea. No
it's not. And nice to put off the dog on your brother,
who is even smaller and less capable of handling a big,
dumb puppy.
Karen forgets her wrist guards, shrugs and takes off
down the sidewalk like an idiot. Andrew shows more
sense than her and is very careful Shannon doesn't get
tangled with his trike. The four year old has more
sense than Karen, yet she's the SO SMART kid that
skipped a grade. Hmm.
She remembers the trick that she wanted to do and tells
us that Andrew loves all kinds of tricks. That's just
because he hasn't had an uncle tell him to "pull my
finger" yet. Anyways, Karen gets coffe cans from the
garage and sets them up. The woman on TV did six, but
in a rare show of restraint, she's just doing two.
Andrew immediately thinks this is a bad idea and I'm
starting to think that they got it mixed up which
sibling is the smart one. By some miracle, though,
Karen does jump over them without killing herself. Then
she tries to turn around to gloat and that's when she
falls on her hands. Now she knows the agony of the
failed end zone dance.
CHAPTER 4
Predictably, not going back for her wrist guards has
bitten Karen in the ass. Or, well, in the wrist. She
says it's bent at the wrong angle and when she tried to
move her fingers it made her "gasp." Okay, honestly, I
would probably be swearing a blue streak in that
situation and screaming. Good thing she's not allowed
to watch TV when Kristy's around, so she doesn't know
the kind of words I knew at six. (Though I learned most
of them from watching my Dad put toys together on
Christmas morning.)
Andrew starts crying and runs to get Watson. Somehow in
his panic he decides that he should leave Shannon with
Karen. Oh geez...there goes my comments the last
chapter about him being the smart one. Adorably,
Shannon licks Karen's tears away. Awwww, I love dogs.
Watson runs out and picks Karen up. Then, hilariously,
he does this "“Does this hurt? Does this hurt?” he
asked as he picked me up." Um...yeah, because the kid's
wrist being bent the wrong way doesn't give you ANY
idea what hurts. Not to mention when I read that I get
the imge of him just poking her randomly.
He brings Karen into the house and puts her down on the
couch. She announces that her wrist is broken and
Elizabeth agrees. It seems like it's pretty obvious
that it's doing bendy things a wrist should not do. So
why the hell is Elizabeth calling Karen's NORMAL
peditrician? Get that kid to the ER!
Unsurpsingly, Dr Dellenkamp says she wants Karen to go
right to the ER. I'd like to think she phrased it more
like I did. Kristy insists on going to the hospital
with Karen, which I find a bit odd. The times I've had
to go to the ER myself I didn't even want to be there.
It's even worse when you're not the patient and aren't
getting fun drugs to make you not mind someone is
puking their guts out on the other side of the sheet.
Elizabeth and Kristy just stare at each other for a
moment, deciding who will stay at home and who will go
with Karen. Good thing the kid's not bleeding to death
or anything.
Kristy ends up going, and Elizabeth tells Karen that
she can scream and cry and give the doctor a hard time
if she wants to. Charming. Now we know part of the
reason Karen is such a damned brat. Alright, the kid is
in pain and I don't think she should be reprimanded if
she cries, but don't encourage her to be a little shit
to the doctor before she even gets to the hospital, for
fuck's sake!
Apparently everyone in the family has seen too many
episodes of St Elsewhere. Watson is speeding like an
idiot and Kristy nearly screeches when they find the
entrance to the emergency room. I realize Karen is in
pain, but she really needs you guys to be calm and not
freak her out more, okay? Because if you put me in the
back of the car and speed off like that, I'm gonna
think there is something MAJORLY wrong with me. And
proving my point, Karen says she's starting to get
scared.
CHAPTER 5
Watson carries Karen into the ER and Kristy tries to
comfort her by telling her about the time she broke her
ankle. I get what she's trying to do, but when I'm in
pain the last thing I want to hear was the time someone
else was in a similair pain. It's right up there on the
assinine scale with "Last summer, at band camp..."
Karen is concentrating on that icky hospital smell,
however, and I have to agree with her...hospitals smell
bad. Antiseptic and over bleached. ICK!
Awesomely, before Kristy can get too far into the story
of her own broken bone, they get to the check in lady.
She expresses concern at Karen's wrist. My best friend
works as an ER admit clerk, and she tends to not get
impressed by anything short of gushing blood or visible
organs after ten years on the job.
Doctor Dellenkamp sort of runs in and Karen is happy to
see her for a change, thinking she'll make her wrist
feel better. Poor kid. She doesn't realize that first
they need to do X-rays and then they need to set her
wrist and all of that is going to hurt like hell. Oh,
to be six again.
Karen doesn't want to go get X-Rays by herself, though,
and Dr Dellenkamp offers for Kristy to go with her. A
little more raditation exposure couldn't hurt Kristy's
brain anymore than it already is messed up. Hilariously
she actually WANTS to go and claims she 'loves hospital
stuff'.
Apparently even broken bones don't dull Karen's ego
because she starts to feel 'sort of important' when she
sees all the people looking at her going down the hall
in the wheelchair. Of course she does. I'm honestly
surprised she doesn't give a few paegent waves while
she's at it.
She goes into great detail describing the X-ray tech's
outfit and that he looks like a doctor but not really
because he has no stethoscope. It's Tom, the X-Ray
technition guy! He reassures Karen he knows what he's
doing when she questions the lead bib. Kristy makes a
stupid joke about it being the world's biggest camera
from the doorway. Stoneybrooke public school system,
ladies and gentlemen!
Karen tries not to cry even though it hurts because Tom
is careful with her arm. Maybe she didn't hear
Elizabeth's permission to scream and throw a fit, or
maybe she's saving that up for the doctor himself. They
finish and she gets put in her "chariot" to go back to
her father.
Now the big question - Is Stoneybrooke like rest of the
world and Karen will have to sit there with a broken
wrist for five hours? Or are emergency rooms another
thing Ann knows nothing about? Let's find out!
CHAPTER 6
The nurse brings Karen back to Watson, who is finished
with the paperwork. I'm surprised because usually it
takes forever to fill out all those forms. Maybe he
left some spaces blank. Or he's a real, live
millionarie because of his superior form filling out
technique.
Dr. Dellenkamp takes Karen back into one of those
little curtain rooms. If it's anything like the ERs
I've been in, they'll spend the next two hours
listening to people puking, crying and swearing.
Instead the doctor announces that the bone doctor is
already looking at Karen's X-Rays and she's going to go
take a peek too.
The moment she leaves Karen complains she's bored. Like
the MOMENT, Dr. D's ass is barely out the door, and the
kid is bored. With a broken wrist. I was very ADHD too
as a kid, hell I'm not much better now at 32, but
intense pain seemed to temporarily cure it. So Kristy
starts telling elephant jokes and Watson sings about
ants much to the joy of their neighbors I'm sure.
The bone doctor comes in and gives Karen a shot. She
'screeches' over the shot and I silently blame
Elizabeth on behalf of all the other parents in the
triage area who now have terrified children to deal
with. The doctor is very calm about it and sets Karen's
wrist with a device that sounds like the thing you use
to milk a cow.
It's hard to snark the part about him putting the cast
on because it's not snarky. It's just boring. Kristy
just about wets her pants over it, of course, but this
is Kristy we're talking about. Though this does take
the creepy involvement with kids thing a step further,
I think.
They take more X-Rays to make sure the bones are where
they shoulde be and after giving Karen a sling, she's
sent back home. She's sleepy and I'm sure Watson is
thinking that it's going to be a quieter than normal
weekend at the Big House. But this is Karen...
Instead she's in the back seat wondering how she'll pet
the animals and button buttons with her arm in a cast
and, in her words, she 'began to feel very, very sorry
for myself.'
Guess she didn't get to see any kids that got creamed
by a car or had massive head injuries or anything if
she thinks a broken wrist is a national tragedy.
CHAPTER 7
Watson brings the broken one home and makes the mistake
of asking her if she can walk into the house by
herself. She snaps at him that she's tired and her arm
hurts, so obviously no. He carries her into the house
and everyone makes a huge fuss over her. Karen enjoys
it, obviously, and makes a show of looking as sad as
possible for her siblings.
Her family fixes a place for her in the den where she
can watch TV and bask in her own misery. Everyone bends
over backwards to make her feel comfortable. Andrew
even brings Karen her favorite book. And I quote:
“Thank you,” I said in a very small voice, “but I can’t
read this now. I don’t feel well.”
Is Karen using that barf pail? No? Could you scootch
that over here, please?
Watson suggests Karen call her mother and she does, all
the way in the "state of Maine." Sometimes I think the
"state of Maine" is a code phrase for something else.
"The state of ecstacy" maybe?
She does feel better after talking to her mother, and
honestly I can't snark that because I'm 32 and I still
whine to my own Mommy when I'm sick or hurt. It just
helps for some reason. Then we see Karen's injury has
left Kristy temporarily insane because she actually
lets the kids watch TV for a change. Somehow their
brains do not spontaneously combust by lunchtime.
Lunchtime? Karen had breakfast, broke her wrist, went
to the hospital, got her wrist set, got home and has
time to watch TV before lunch? Yup, hospitals are
another thing Ann doesn't understand.
Karen plays on the couch and admits she isn't sleepy
nor does her wrist hurt that much. So she leans agains
the pillows and feels like a princess, ordering her
siblings around like slaves. By the time dinner rolls
around, though, Andrew and David Michael have burned
off their quota of compassion. Awesomely DM tells her
she can walk so get her own damn coloring book.
When dinner's ready, Karen doesn't want to go eat at
the table with rest of the family. Elizabeth asks her
if she "needs" to eat on the couch and the little brat
has to admit she's feeling fine. After dinner her
siblings have totally gotten over her injury and she's
indigant that they're watching their TV programs
instead of her and Charlie doesn't give her ANOTHER
candy bar.
She crankily says she can't sleep and her parents tell
her to try sleeping anyways. In other words, we don't
want to hear you whine rest of the evening so go to
bed. Can't say I blame them.
CHAPTER 8
Karen wakes up the next morning feeling pretty good.
Her wrist only hurts a little and she decides that she
won't waste the day lying around on the couch. That's
very nice for her, but not everyone jumps up the
morning after breaking something ready to take on the
world. Also, I'm not taking her opinion that seriously
when she thinks she's going to skate that afternoon.
She has trouble dressing herself, which is sort of a
"no shit" scenario BUT it's always frusterating when
you're hurt trying to work around everything. Karen
vows to do it herself, though, and she does.
When she goes downstairs, Elizabeth is surprised that
she's dressed when Kristy is still sleeping. So
Kristy's job now is to help dress Karen? Watson or
Elizabeth couldn't have helped her? Maybe Kristy and
Mallory can have a bonding moment over this.
Awww, it's kinda cute that Karen thinks she can do
anything with just her left hand. David Michael calls
her on it and Karen makes and butters toast by herself.
Somehow this is seen as a "so there" sort of gesture,
but really it doesn't prove much of anything. Ah, to be
six again.
Watson comments that Karen must be feeling better, and
she happily tells him that she is, telling us that if
she wants to roller skate later she better look fine.
The master maniuplator in her native habitat, folks. If
she can do this at six, can you think of what she'll be
doing at sixteen?
David Michael is all "you can't use the can opener to
feed Boo Boo" and if he was a little older I'd swear
he'd been reading Tom Sawyer. Much to her surprise,
Karen can't use the can opener. Guess DM is going to
have to feed the cat himself. Oh well, she can still
paint a fence with one hand, DM, don't forget that.
Karen starts listing everything she can do, then sneaks
in that she's sure she could go roller skating. Watson,
however, is all hell to the no. But she persists...she
didn't break her legs, just her wrist! It's not like
she needs to balance and the weight of the cast will
throw her center of gravity off or anything. Only
Watson flat out tells her that PLUS directly tells her
no. I have a feeling this is something we should
remember.
But for now, Karen has to go to the hospital to get a
recheck. She is like OH NOES!!!!!
CHAPTER 9
Watson wants to get going early so they don't have to
wait too long. Well, there's that bit of realism we
were looking for! Karen is upset that Kristy can't come
because she's still asleep. I'm surprised she didn't
just burst into the bedroom and start screaming at her
to wake up.
Instead Andrew goes with them. Because if there's one
thing more fun than waiting for a long period of time
with a six year old who likely has ADHD, it's having a
four year old along on the journey too. But Watson lets
him come, probably hoping Karen and Andrew will
entertain each other.
They have to wait in the emergency room because the
bone doctor doesn't have an office. The only worse
thing than dealing with the ER when you're sick is
dealing with it when you're fine.
A woman comes running in with her screaming daughter
who burnt her hand. An ambulance comes streaking by the
hospital. Either this is a really, really shitty
episode of ER or inspiration for Karen and Andrew to
start playing hospital, right there in the hospital.
That seems sort of weird to me but anything to keep
them quiet, I guess.
CHAPTER 10
They go back into one of the little curtained rooms and
this time there's medical supplies in it. Karen feels
supreior to her brother for knowing the name of a
medicine for cuts. Apparently the school nurse told
them that in a first aid class, but a six year old
remembers "Merthiolate?" Oh-kay.
Doctor Humphrey, the bone doctor, catches her saying
that and suggests Karen might become a doctor. I sure
hope not, doctors should usually have a bit of empathy
shouldn't they? And then he starts up Watson's earlier
routine of 'does this hurt? does this hurt?'
Apparently he does find something that makes Karen yell
out in pain and she silently curses at him for having
hurt her. That's his job, Karen. Seriously.
The doctor asks Karen how she hurts her wrist and
instead of just saying "roller skating" she goes into
unnecessary storytime. However, it was four cans she
jumped instead of two. She even twirled around in the
air! Andrew tries to bust her, but she shushes him and
goes on to say she saw this caterpillar on the sidewalk
after her perfect landing and she swerved to avoid him
and THAT is how she fell.
Watson isn't buying it and Andrew points out there were
only two cans. The doctor just says "hmmm, best way I
can think of to break a wrist." And of course it goes
over Karen's head.
She has to have more X-rays, and then the doctor
explains that she'll have to come back for more x-rays
every week and get smaller casts and my eyes are
starting to glaze over at this point. Karen is paying
attention, though, because when he says she's going to
wear it for eight weeks she starts crying. She wants to
go roller skating, dammit!
And just like Ralphie and his Red Ryder BB Gun, Karen
and her roller skates are seperated by the cruel words
of adults. "Not until your wrist has healed."
Karen, however, is upset when she has to go to school.
So she wants to be fine enough to skate but not fine
enough to go to school? Actually that sounds about
right for a six year old.
CHAPTER 11
Karen is sent on her way, and she admits she's staring
at the ground because she felt very sorry for herself.
I think that's about the fourth time she's said that.
Seriously, it's a broken wrist, you'll survive. You're
six, it's not like you have to get going on that cure
for cancer or something. The only six year olds who
have to do that are the Perkinses.
Ricky Torres is in the hospital waiting room and it
turns out he broke his ankle playing baseball. Karen
starts out by just saying she broke her wrist roller
skating, but when she sees her father's not listening
she has to one up her classmate. This time it was five
cans, she did a double twist in the air, and she landed
perfectly. She decides that's enough so her class will
never find out what happened for real, but then she
throws in the caterpillar again, only this time the
caterpillar had a baby too.
Thankfully she is interuptted by the signatures on
Ricky's cast, or else the baby caterpillar probably
would've been in a teeny tiny wheelchair. With a seeing
eye dog. That had a limp.
Karen is jealous that Ricky had so much time to show
his cast off to people and get signatures. When Ricky
says he has to have the cast for six weeks, Karen snots
back she has to have hers for eight so her bone must be
broken worse. And then it descends into a pissing match
between the two who will get more attention at schoool
Monday morning.
Ricky's going to get the signature of a famous baseball
player his father is friends with. Karen's fragile ego
is crushed and he knows it, smirking at her proudly.
And Karen, of course, has to turn this into a contest
and vows to be VERY busy that day.
CHAPTER 12
Karen comes home from the hospital and immediately
starts screaming for everyone to come sign her cast.
Though it counts towards her total signature count, I
don't think she'll get very high points for just
getting her family to sign. I mean, if Karen's going to
treat this like a competition, I can score it like one,
right?
Sam, Charlie and David Michael stop their game of catch
to sign her cast right away and put effort into
thinking up witty little sayings. Karen thanks them by
demanding to know if they know anyone famous.. Because
that totally wouldn't have come up before or anything.
Maybe they met someone famous at breakfast.
Rest of the siblings sign, as do Watson and Elizabeth.
They all get asked the famous person question, which is
even more stupid when it's being asked to a four year
old. Karen admits the truth to Elizabeth who decides to
come up with a creative idea...get Shannon and Boo
Boo's paw prints on the cast!
Actually, that's a really cute idea. Do I think my own
animals would tolerate it? Hell no. Especially my Min
Pin. He goes into hysterics over the simplest things
and my cat would probably have a diva fit. Boo Boo does
hiss, but Shannon goes along with it without fuss. I
like that dog...she's a saint to put up with the
Thomas-Brewer clan so well.
Elizabeth points out they aren't famous autographs, but
they are special. Karen smiles at her and agrees, but
in her head she points out that they won't compete to a
real celebrity autograph. Ungrateful brat.
CHAPTER 13
Karen decides to go around the neighborhood so people
can take pity on her and then she can ask them if they
know any famous people after allowing them to sign the
almighty cast. Okay she said "go visiting" but this is
Karen we're talking about...that's totally what she's
thinking.
Hannie shows proper concern, and Karen has a funny way
of responding. From the book...
'“Karen!” Hannie cried when she opened her door. “What
happened?”
“I broke my wrist,” I said proudly.'
She's PROUD of breaking her wrist? Really? It's not
exactly an accomplishment or anything. In fact, she did
it in a moment of klutziness. But I guess for Karen
anything that puts the attention onto you is something
to celebrate.
Hannie calls her parents and brother out to see Karen's
cast and we get the newest version of the story
explaining how it happened. This time there's seven
coffee cans, she's almost flying..no..she WAS flying
and did a triple twist in the air with a perfect
landing.
Didn't the lady on TV just use six cans? The bullshit
is getting pretty thick here, but it gets worse when
Linny asks if she fell when she landed. Now the
caterpillar has three babies, and Karen jumps over
THOSE and then she falls. Mr. and Mrs. Papadakis frown
at the story and will no doubt soon have a conversation
about how full of shit Karen is and hope that it
doesn't spread to Hannie.
Mrs. Papadakis knows the mayor and Karen gets all
excited, thinking he's really going to sign some random
kid's cast on a Sunday afternoon so she can show up her
classmate. For a change the universe does not bend to
Karen's will and she's told the mayor is out of town.
She pouts, because being polite is for Kindergardeners.
Karne gets Myrtle the Turtle's claw print on her cast
and instead of being satifised with something VERY
unique like that, she wants to continue to canvas the
neighborhood. Hannie is really upset that Karen is
going to visit Amanda Delaney because they are VERY BIG
ENEMIES.
CHAPTER 14
Hannie bitches Karen out a bit about her fraternizing
with the enemy and decides she will not go along.
Thankfully they don't get into a passive aggressive
meltdown, but I think it's kind of strange that Hannie
flips any time Amanda is mentioned. Okay, so they have
different friends, just don't play with her. Or her
four hundred dollar cat.
By the time she gets to the Delaney's house, Karen is
not mad anymore and is sort of upset that her friends
don't like each other. She think it's silly. Well,
that's great for you, Karen, but you can't make them
like each other so don't fucking force the issue!
Shannon is babysitting for Amanda and Max. I'm
surprised it's not Kristy, but since Shannon is part of
the BSC I'm sure it's an approved sitting job.
Now Karen jumped over TEN coffee cans, the police had
to come when she broke her wrist and she went to the
hospital in an ambulance. She gushes interally about
how much she loves to tell stories and this one was
getting to be the best. No one will ever know she fell
down trying to turn around! But they will know she
wouldn't know the truth if it hit her in the ass. Of
course Karen never thinks of that.
Karen asks if Priscilla the four hundred dollar cat can
sign her cast too, but once Amanda finds out it has to
be done with ink she flips out that she does not want
her perfect cat to be soiled.
Again she asks if they know anyone famous and Shannon
is suspicious, wanting to know why. Karen explains that
it's important. Max has a friend who has a friend who
knows the hairdresser of a famous singer Karen has
never heard of. The ice cream truck's bells interupt
Karen from mounting an international effort to get the
singer to sign her cast by the next morning mission
impossible style.
CHAPTER 15
Karen is excited the ice cream man is coming and she
has fifty cents in her pocket. Ah, the eighties. Now a
days they wouldn't let you lick the side of the truck
for fifty cents.
Up and down the block, kids come swarming out of
McMansions like locusts. Despite hating Amanda, Hannie
will stand in line with her if it ends in ice cream.
She and Karen whisper back and forth that they aren't
mad with each other. Which is good, because your friend
being friends with someone you don't like is a really
shitty reason to be mad at someone.
Mr. Tastee drives down the street very slowly, probably
just to torture the kids. They start waving their arms
frantically, afraid he might pass them by. Trust me, if
you have money he won't pass you by. Hell, he'd
probably stop to ASK if you have money.
Mr. Tastee finally pulls up to them and demands to know
what Karen did to herself. Does anyone else find the
ice cream man knowing Karen's full name a little skeezy
or is it just me? Karen doesn't help when she tells us
that he "cares about us kids. He always stops and talks
to us."
Karen tells the creepy ice cream man an even better
version of how she broke her wrist. This time with
helicopters and fire engines. And now creepy ice cream
man gets a point for me for flat out asking Karen if
she's sure that's what happened.
Andrew has a crowning moment of awesome here and
finally speaks up. There were two cans, no
caterpillars, no fire trucks or ambulances or
helicopters. He doesn't say she was just trying to turn
around, instead he continues to be awesome asks Karen
to tell them the real story.
She does and she doesn't think it's as interesting, but
no one seems to mind. They were more interested in the
cast and the autographs than the fact that Karen is a
little liar...I mean, that Karen fell turning around.
Mr Tastee signs Karen's cast and she reacts with pure
shock that his name is Roger Jones. She thought it was
Mr Tastee for real, you guys! It's only the name of the
company, though, and that sound you hear is another
layer of Karen's child like innocence peeling away.
Karen asks him to sign "Mr. Tastee" under his name so
everyone will know who he is. Then he mounts his truck
and rides off into the sunset. Well...mid afternoon
sun. And then she has the nerve to snot she STILL
doesn't have a special autograph with all of her
friends who signed her cast standing around her.
Ungrateful brat.
CHAPTER 16
Karen and her friends sit down on the curb and lick
their "Mr Tastee treats"...which sounds very, very
wrong to me. She looks longingly at the garage and
pouts about not being able to skate for weeks.
Then she sees Morbidda Destiny, the witch next door.
And has to tell her friends she's gathering herbs for a
spell. When Andrew asks what kind of spell, she says
something awful. Maybe a spell to take away Christmas.
And this is where I am grateful that these are just
words on a screen, because if she were an actual child
I would've slapped her for being cruel to her friends.
Karen goes on to 'woe is me' that it's just her luck to
live next door to the only witch in town. First world
problems, Karen. And then she realizes how to solve her
autograph problem..where is Ricky going to get a
bonafide WITCH autograph?
Karen speculates if she's brave enough to do it. After
all, the witch has to get close to her and touch her
cast. Is that even legal? She decides that Hannie will
come with her for support without bothering to ask
Hannie.
She invites Hannie over to play and after buttering her
up with how glad she is they aren't mad at each other
anymore, she throws in there that she needs her to go
to Morbidda Destiny's house with her.
CHAPTER 17
Hannie is like OH HELL NO to the thought of going to
Morbidda Destiny's house, pointing out they got into
very big trouble last time they did. No, Hannie, YOU
probably got into very big trouble because your parents
give a fuck. Karen, on the other hand, got a pat on the
head and was only made to write a passive agressive
apology note.
Karen goes into manipulation mode and suggests taht
Mrs. Porter will think they like her and that will make
her happy. It's not true, of course, but who cares as
long as Karen gets to one up Ricky tomorrow?
She points out that if they go out right away and catch
Mrs. Porter in her garden, then she can't hurt them
because everybody would see. Well, this is a SLIGHT
step up in logic from the last book. SLIGHT.
Oh barf, now she's using emotional blackmail:
'“Don’t you want me to have the best cast in our class
tomorrow?” I asked.'
Where's that bucket again? But Hannie is a good
minion..er...friend and agrees that she does. But now
Karen has to figure out how to ask Mrs. Porter because
if she asks why her autograph, Karen can't say because
she's the only witch in town. Hannie facepalms over the
stupidity of this conversation. Just think of
something, dammit!
Still not quite grasping that amulets are a part of
witchcraft, Karen loads up on lucky charms. Instead of
a spell and herbs this time, they're going with the
lucky rabbit's foot. I guess the rest of the rabbit
isn't so lucky. And a lucky stone. Why do I think that
Karen has a whole drawer of "lucky" items?
Oh boy...Karen admits that the stone isn't really
lucky, but she told Hannie it was lucky so she would
feel better and go along with her plan. Is it any way
NORMAL for a six year old to be this good at
maniuplation?
CHAPTER 18
Karen keeps her hand around the rabbit's foot, which is
lucky, while Hannie clutches the stone that she was
LIED to about. But she doesn't have any time to think
about that, because Morbidda Destiny has gone inside.
Now they have to actually ring the doorbell.
Hannie is scared and once again Karen steps up as a
natural salesman explaining how they'll be safe since
everyone is still outside. Then she reminds Hannie the
lucky stone will protect her. Even though Karen doesn't
believe the stone is lucky and admits lying about it to
make her friend feel better.
Shameless.
Karen rings the bell and snarks that her witch looks
the same as always. Mrs Porter does not seem overly
thrilled to have them there, but asks what she can do
for them. She is asked to autograph the cast and when
she wants to know how Karen broke her wrist, Karen
decides it's a really bad idea to lie to a witch and
tells the truth for the first damn time in this book.
Karen is not too afraid to notice, though, that the
witch is not impressed and gets a little defensive,
telling her it's not interesting but that's how it
happened. And she wants Mrs Porter's autograph because
she's a neighbor and Hannie says she's in a cast
signing contest. Apparently Hannie doesn't think lying
to a witch is a good idea either.
Even though she's confused, Morbidda Destiny reaches
into the folds of her dress and takes out a pen "like
magic". Or, you know, like pockets.
Karen suddenly isn't sure she wants to do this and
decides to jerk her arm away. Only it's too late! The
witch has signed! She's almost afraid to look, after
all, what would a witch sign on a cast? Maybe you
should've thought of that ahead of time.
Of course, like a normal person, Mrs. Porter signed her
name and drew a little picture of a black cat. Karen
spazzes internally about this, wondering if it's a
spell or a sign to attract other witches. Because every
witch in America wants to deal with Karen Brewer.
Riiiiiiiiight.
She thanks the witch and gets the hell out of there,
dragging Hannie along.
CHAPTER 19
Karen wants to examine the cast under a light to figure
out what the picture of the black cat means. It means
she drew a picture of a black cat, dumbass. Then she
decides to show it to her family and if they don't
panic, she won't be worried either.
She finds Charlie and Sam in the kitchen eating, and
snark that they are always eating. Well, good think
Watson's a Real Live Millionaire then. Charlie smiles
but Sam could care less that Mrs. Porter signed Karen's
cast.
Outside she shows it to Elizabeth, Watson and Kristy,
who are gardening together. Because when I think about
being thirteen, I remember wanting to garden with my
parents when I wasn't busy. Instead of, say, hiding in
my room reading Seventeen magazine and listening to the
radio.
Watson points out the picture is of Midnight and Karen
feels silly. I think she should get used to this
feeling, because she's going to feel it a lot in life.
If she ever grows a conscience. IF.
Elizabeth schmoozes how happy Mrs Porter must have been
to get a visit from kids because she's so lonely. How
do they know she's lonely? Obviously she has family
because her granddaugter is in one of the books in the
series. Living alone does not equal being lonely. Just
like being single or not having kids does not
automatically make you lonely.
Hannie almost blows their cover and says they needed
Mrs Porter's autograph because she's a witch, but Karen
drags her away before her parents realize she's back to
her old tricks. In the house she tells Hannie that
grownups don't understand about witches.
Then Karen does a one eighty and says she wishes that
Mrs Porter had added "Morbidda Destiny" so everyone
knew it was a witch autograph. Where the hell did she
ever get that was her name anyways? That's never
explained. Maybe they'll save that for #123 Karen's
Schitzophrenia.
But she's happy because her cast will be just as good
as Ricky's even if it was not better.
CHAPTER 20
The Brewer-Thomas clan breathes a sigh of relief that
their ordeal is over for another two weeks. Except
Kristy, who goes to help Karen pack up and
intentionally talks to her instead of hiding somewhere
until she's left and the coast is clear.
When Kristy mentions that Karen had an exciting
weekend, the first thing out of Karen's mouth is “I got
a witch’s autograph.” Kristy is kinda 'WTF, you broke a
bone' and Karen's all 'oh yeah that too.'
Karen says she's happy to go to school the next morning
because she'll be a star. Kristy tries to remind her
she'll have a co-star because Ricky has a cast too and
Karen's reaction is to be mad at Ricky. How DARE he
break his ankle when she broke her wrist and take full
attention off of her?!
Lisa and Seth arrive and the kids get into a car laden
with suitcases and "things" from their trip to the
State of Maine. I hope they at least kept the more X-
rated stuff in bags, at least.
And because this is Karen's world and we all simply
live in it, Lisa asks her how she would like a famous
person's autograph. Because her friend, a famous movie
star, is in town this week and Lisa said they could go
visit her that night. Almost like she's doing it to
specficially to get the cast autography.
Oh so THAT'S where Karen gets it.
Hope you enjoyed it! I can't help but wonder how many
children now think that breaking a bone is a great
source of attention because of this book.
Next up: #3 Karen's Worst Day
#2: Karen’s Roller Skates
Cover Snark:
Well, when you look at how high Karen is when she's
jumping the cans, it's no wonder she didn't break
something sooner. Even though it didn't exactly happen
that way. Also, I don't think mid-air is the right time
for self congratulations. She's totally throwing her
arms over her head all "YEAH I ROCK!" Wait til you land
first, Karen.
CHAPTER 1
The chapter opens Karen barreling down the sidewalk on
her new roller skates, yelling at Nancy and Andrew to
jump away because that's easier than it is for her to
stop. So we're three lines in and I already know where
Karen messed up...she thinks she's a lot better than
she really is. Common problem, but when you add wheels
into the equation bad things happen.
The next paragraph she introduces herself and tells us
that she's a world champion skater. Then she admits not
a world champion or a champion. Just very good. But if
you were very good, Karen, you would be able to STOP.
It's a pretty basic concept.
She lists the things she's good at and basically I
think she and I skate at the same level. Which is no
compliment, because after I go skating I usually have
to sit on a pillow for several days. Claiming to "try
any trick I see" is also not something to brag about in
my opinion. That's how you get on Jackass.
Watson shows some common sense and has told Karen she
shouldn't do tricks because they don't want broken
bones. And yet...well, I can't bag on Karen too much.
She's six. My friend and I set up a BMX course in my
backyard when we were ten or eleven. I'm so glad I made
him try it first, considering he was turned into a
human projectile over the handle bars. Apparently bikes
don't jump. Who'd a thunk?
I think her special skating outfit sounds pretty fugly,
but again I'll give her a pass because it's the 80's.
And why no helmet? Knees are good, wrists are good,
heads are essential to life.
Karen admits she's had a few small accidents when she
almost mows Nancy and Andrew down again. If I were
Nancy, I would suddenly need to go home for some made
up reason. Thankfully her mother calls her in just then
and Lisa calls for the wee daredevil before she can
kill any body. That day.
Apparently Karen and Andrew are going to Watson's a day
early because Lisa and Seth are going on a three day
vacation to "the state of Maine." I'm glad they're not
going to the country of Maine, I hear the food there is
terrible. She wishes she was going, but she's glad to
roller skate all weekend at her father's. The chapter
ends with an omnious 'there was a new trick I wanted to
try.'
Oh shit.
CHAPTER 2
Karen wakes up Saturday morning telling us it's hard to
wake up, but not on Saturday mornings. Actually, I am
much more likely to get pissed about being woken early
on a Saturday. Then she talks about kissing stuffed
animals and scrunching up the pillow. Screw that, let
me sleep like a zombie until noon. Now that's a good
Saturday morning!
She doesn't get to see Moosie very often. Awwww. I know
she has Goosie, but that sort of hits a soft spot with
me. Maybe because I'm a toy collector? Or because I
slept with stuffed animals until I was twenty-five and
my Min Pin, Marty the Stuffie Slayer, came into my
life?
It's two-two time. Karen mentions the big house and the
little house.
Oh, Karen has to tell us about Morbidda Destiny again.
She's seen her with a broom! She must be a witch! Burn
her! And the "she grows magic herbs in a garden in her
backyard" makes me laugh, because my father did that in
the seventies too. But they're only magic if you smoke
them.
She puts on her skating outfit and goes downstairs for
breakfast. I have a bad feeling about this, guys.
CHAPTER 3
Karen complains about only have one skating outfit and
one pair of skates, so she has to remember to bring
them back and forth. If she has so much trouble
remembering and I'm right about her being ADHD, has it
ever occured to Lisa and Watson to help her not forget
to bring things or take things home? I mean, I grew up
ADD and my mother spent half of my childhood making
sure I was taking or bringing the right things to the
right places.
Okay, I'm 32 and still ADHD and she STILL reminds me
constantly about things. And my father buys me Post It
notes. Pink ones. I have awesome parents.
Karen is not allowed to wear her roller skates indoors
at either house and I'm wondering why she's telling us
this because I kinda thought that was a universal type
of thing. Hell, at my house we weren't even allowed to
wear SHOES indoors.
Elizabeth asks Karen to take Shannon for a walk.
Bernese Mountain Dogs are BIG dogs, and if Shannon is
still a puppy I'm sure she suffers from Big Dumb Puppy
syndrome, common in young large breed dogs. Is this
really a good idea? I would think a six year old
wouldn't be able to wrestle down a big puppy like that.
Unless she's been to obediance school. Shannon, I mean,
not Karen. Though I think Karen might benefit more from
it.
Using six year old logic, Karen decides that getting
Andrew to hold onto Shannon's leash while he rides his
trike and she skates ahead of them is a GREAT idea. No
it's not. And nice to put off the dog on your brother,
who is even smaller and less capable of handling a big,
dumb puppy.
Karen forgets her wrist guards, shrugs and takes off
down the sidewalk like an idiot. Andrew shows more
sense than her and is very careful Shannon doesn't get
tangled with his trike. The four year old has more
sense than Karen, yet she's the SO SMART kid that
skipped a grade. Hmm.
She remembers the trick that she wanted to do and tells
us that Andrew loves all kinds of tricks. That's just
because he hasn't had an uncle tell him to "pull my
finger" yet. Anyways, Karen gets coffe cans from the
garage and sets them up. The woman on TV did six, but
in a rare show of restraint, she's just doing two.
Andrew immediately thinks this is a bad idea and I'm
starting to think that they got it mixed up which
sibling is the smart one. By some miracle, though,
Karen does jump over them without killing herself. Then
she tries to turn around to gloat and that's when she
falls on her hands. Now she knows the agony of the
failed end zone dance.
CHAPTER 4
Predictably, not going back for her wrist guards has
bitten Karen in the ass. Or, well, in the wrist. She
says it's bent at the wrong angle and when she tried to
move her fingers it made her "gasp." Okay, honestly, I
would probably be swearing a blue streak in that
situation and screaming. Good thing she's not allowed
to watch TV when Kristy's around, so she doesn't know
the kind of words I knew at six. (Though I learned most
of them from watching my Dad put toys together on
Christmas morning.)
Andrew starts crying and runs to get Watson. Somehow in
his panic he decides that he should leave Shannon with
Karen. Oh geez...there goes my comments the last
chapter about him being the smart one. Adorably,
Shannon licks Karen's tears away. Awwww, I love dogs.
Watson runs out and picks Karen up. Then, hilariously,
he does this "“Does this hurt? Does this hurt?” he
asked as he picked me up." Um...yeah, because the kid's
wrist being bent the wrong way doesn't give you ANY
idea what hurts. Not to mention when I read that I get
the imge of him just poking her randomly.
He brings Karen into the house and puts her down on the
couch. She announces that her wrist is broken and
Elizabeth agrees. It seems like it's pretty obvious
that it's doing bendy things a wrist should not do. So
why the hell is Elizabeth calling Karen's NORMAL
peditrician? Get that kid to the ER!
Unsurpsingly, Dr Dellenkamp says she wants Karen to go
right to the ER. I'd like to think she phrased it more
like I did. Kristy insists on going to the hospital
with Karen, which I find a bit odd. The times I've had
to go to the ER myself I didn't even want to be there.
It's even worse when you're not the patient and aren't
getting fun drugs to make you not mind someone is
puking their guts out on the other side of the sheet.
Elizabeth and Kristy just stare at each other for a
moment, deciding who will stay at home and who will go
with Karen. Good thing the kid's not bleeding to death
or anything.
Kristy ends up going, and Elizabeth tells Karen that
she can scream and cry and give the doctor a hard time
if she wants to. Charming. Now we know part of the
reason Karen is such a damned brat. Alright, the kid is
in pain and I don't think she should be reprimanded if
she cries, but don't encourage her to be a little shit
to the doctor before she even gets to the hospital, for
fuck's sake!
Apparently everyone in the family has seen too many
episodes of St Elsewhere. Watson is speeding like an
idiot and Kristy nearly screeches when they find the
entrance to the emergency room. I realize Karen is in
pain, but she really needs you guys to be calm and not
freak her out more, okay? Because if you put me in the
back of the car and speed off like that, I'm gonna
think there is something MAJORLY wrong with me. And
proving my point, Karen says she's starting to get
scared.
CHAPTER 5
Watson carries Karen into the ER and Kristy tries to
comfort her by telling her about the time she broke her
ankle. I get what she's trying to do, but when I'm in
pain the last thing I want to hear was the time someone
else was in a similair pain. It's right up there on the
assinine scale with "Last summer, at band camp..."
Karen is concentrating on that icky hospital smell,
however, and I have to agree with her...hospitals smell
bad. Antiseptic and over bleached. ICK!
Awesomely, before Kristy can get too far into the story
of her own broken bone, they get to the check in lady.
She expresses concern at Karen's wrist. My best friend
works as an ER admit clerk, and she tends to not get
impressed by anything short of gushing blood or visible
organs after ten years on the job.
Doctor Dellenkamp sort of runs in and Karen is happy to
see her for a change, thinking she'll make her wrist
feel better. Poor kid. She doesn't realize that first
they need to do X-rays and then they need to set her
wrist and all of that is going to hurt like hell. Oh,
to be six again.
Karen doesn't want to go get X-Rays by herself, though,
and Dr Dellenkamp offers for Kristy to go with her. A
little more raditation exposure couldn't hurt Kristy's
brain anymore than it already is messed up. Hilariously
she actually WANTS to go and claims she 'loves hospital
stuff'.
Apparently even broken bones don't dull Karen's ego
because she starts to feel 'sort of important' when she
sees all the people looking at her going down the hall
in the wheelchair. Of course she does. I'm honestly
surprised she doesn't give a few paegent waves while
she's at it.
She goes into great detail describing the X-ray tech's
outfit and that he looks like a doctor but not really
because he has no stethoscope. It's Tom, the X-Ray
technition guy! He reassures Karen he knows what he's
doing when she questions the lead bib. Kristy makes a
stupid joke about it being the world's biggest camera
from the doorway. Stoneybrooke public school system,
ladies and gentlemen!
Karen tries not to cry even though it hurts because Tom
is careful with her arm. Maybe she didn't hear
Elizabeth's permission to scream and throw a fit, or
maybe she's saving that up for the doctor himself. They
finish and she gets put in her "chariot" to go back to
her father.
Now the big question - Is Stoneybrooke like rest of the
world and Karen will have to sit there with a broken
wrist for five hours? Or are emergency rooms another
thing Ann knows nothing about? Let's find out!
CHAPTER 6
The nurse brings Karen back to Watson, who is finished
with the paperwork. I'm surprised because usually it
takes forever to fill out all those forms. Maybe he
left some spaces blank. Or he's a real, live
millionarie because of his superior form filling out
technique.
Dr. Dellenkamp takes Karen back into one of those
little curtain rooms. If it's anything like the ERs
I've been in, they'll spend the next two hours
listening to people puking, crying and swearing.
Instead the doctor announces that the bone doctor is
already looking at Karen's X-Rays and she's going to go
take a peek too.
The moment she leaves Karen complains she's bored. Like
the MOMENT, Dr. D's ass is barely out the door, and the
kid is bored. With a broken wrist. I was very ADHD too
as a kid, hell I'm not much better now at 32, but
intense pain seemed to temporarily cure it. So Kristy
starts telling elephant jokes and Watson sings about
ants much to the joy of their neighbors I'm sure.
The bone doctor comes in and gives Karen a shot. She
'screeches' over the shot and I silently blame
Elizabeth on behalf of all the other parents in the
triage area who now have terrified children to deal
with. The doctor is very calm about it and sets Karen's
wrist with a device that sounds like the thing you use
to milk a cow.
It's hard to snark the part about him putting the cast
on because it's not snarky. It's just boring. Kristy
just about wets her pants over it, of course, but this
is Kristy we're talking about. Though this does take
the creepy involvement with kids thing a step further,
I think.
They take more X-Rays to make sure the bones are where
they shoulde be and after giving Karen a sling, she's
sent back home. She's sleepy and I'm sure Watson is
thinking that it's going to be a quieter than normal
weekend at the Big House. But this is Karen...
Instead she's in the back seat wondering how she'll pet
the animals and button buttons with her arm in a cast
and, in her words, she 'began to feel very, very sorry
for myself.'
Guess she didn't get to see any kids that got creamed
by a car or had massive head injuries or anything if
she thinks a broken wrist is a national tragedy.
CHAPTER 7
Watson brings the broken one home and makes the mistake
of asking her if she can walk into the house by
herself. She snaps at him that she's tired and her arm
hurts, so obviously no. He carries her into the house
and everyone makes a huge fuss over her. Karen enjoys
it, obviously, and makes a show of looking as sad as
possible for her siblings.
Her family fixes a place for her in the den where she
can watch TV and bask in her own misery. Everyone bends
over backwards to make her feel comfortable. Andrew
even brings Karen her favorite book. And I quote:
“Thank you,” I said in a very small voice, “but I can’t
read this now. I don’t feel well.”
Is Karen using that barf pail? No? Could you scootch
that over here, please?
Watson suggests Karen call her mother and she does, all
the way in the "state of Maine." Sometimes I think the
"state of Maine" is a code phrase for something else.
"The state of ecstacy" maybe?
She does feel better after talking to her mother, and
honestly I can't snark that because I'm 32 and I still
whine to my own Mommy when I'm sick or hurt. It just
helps for some reason. Then we see Karen's injury has
left Kristy temporarily insane because she actually
lets the kids watch TV for a change. Somehow their
brains do not spontaneously combust by lunchtime.
Lunchtime? Karen had breakfast, broke her wrist, went
to the hospital, got her wrist set, got home and has
time to watch TV before lunch? Yup, hospitals are
another thing Ann doesn't understand.
Karen plays on the couch and admits she isn't sleepy
nor does her wrist hurt that much. So she leans agains
the pillows and feels like a princess, ordering her
siblings around like slaves. By the time dinner rolls
around, though, Andrew and David Michael have burned
off their quota of compassion. Awesomely DM tells her
she can walk so get her own damn coloring book.
When dinner's ready, Karen doesn't want to go eat at
the table with rest of the family. Elizabeth asks her
if she "needs" to eat on the couch and the little brat
has to admit she's feeling fine. After dinner her
siblings have totally gotten over her injury and she's
indigant that they're watching their TV programs
instead of her and Charlie doesn't give her ANOTHER
candy bar.
She crankily says she can't sleep and her parents tell
her to try sleeping anyways. In other words, we don't
want to hear you whine rest of the evening so go to
bed. Can't say I blame them.
CHAPTER 8
Karen wakes up the next morning feeling pretty good.
Her wrist only hurts a little and she decides that she
won't waste the day lying around on the couch. That's
very nice for her, but not everyone jumps up the
morning after breaking something ready to take on the
world. Also, I'm not taking her opinion that seriously
when she thinks she's going to skate that afternoon.
She has trouble dressing herself, which is sort of a
"no shit" scenario BUT it's always frusterating when
you're hurt trying to work around everything. Karen
vows to do it herself, though, and she does.
When she goes downstairs, Elizabeth is surprised that
she's dressed when Kristy is still sleeping. So
Kristy's job now is to help dress Karen? Watson or
Elizabeth couldn't have helped her? Maybe Kristy and
Mallory can have a bonding moment over this.
Awww, it's kinda cute that Karen thinks she can do
anything with just her left hand. David Michael calls
her on it and Karen makes and butters toast by herself.
Somehow this is seen as a "so there" sort of gesture,
but really it doesn't prove much of anything. Ah, to be
six again.
Watson comments that Karen must be feeling better, and
she happily tells him that she is, telling us that if
she wants to roller skate later she better look fine.
The master maniuplator in her native habitat, folks. If
she can do this at six, can you think of what she'll be
doing at sixteen?
David Michael is all "you can't use the can opener to
feed Boo Boo" and if he was a little older I'd swear
he'd been reading Tom Sawyer. Much to her surprise,
Karen can't use the can opener. Guess DM is going to
have to feed the cat himself. Oh well, she can still
paint a fence with one hand, DM, don't forget that.
Karen starts listing everything she can do, then sneaks
in that she's sure she could go roller skating. Watson,
however, is all hell to the no. But she persists...she
didn't break her legs, just her wrist! It's not like
she needs to balance and the weight of the cast will
throw her center of gravity off or anything. Only
Watson flat out tells her that PLUS directly tells her
no. I have a feeling this is something we should
remember.
But for now, Karen has to go to the hospital to get a
recheck. She is like OH NOES!!!!!
CHAPTER 9
Watson wants to get going early so they don't have to
wait too long. Well, there's that bit of realism we
were looking for! Karen is upset that Kristy can't come
because she's still asleep. I'm surprised she didn't
just burst into the bedroom and start screaming at her
to wake up.
Instead Andrew goes with them. Because if there's one
thing more fun than waiting for a long period of time
with a six year old who likely has ADHD, it's having a
four year old along on the journey too. But Watson lets
him come, probably hoping Karen and Andrew will
entertain each other.
They have to wait in the emergency room because the
bone doctor doesn't have an office. The only worse
thing than dealing with the ER when you're sick is
dealing with it when you're fine.
A woman comes running in with her screaming daughter
who burnt her hand. An ambulance comes streaking by the
hospital. Either this is a really, really shitty
episode of ER or inspiration for Karen and Andrew to
start playing hospital, right there in the hospital.
That seems sort of weird to me but anything to keep
them quiet, I guess.
CHAPTER 10
They go back into one of the little curtained rooms and
this time there's medical supplies in it. Karen feels
supreior to her brother for knowing the name of a
medicine for cuts. Apparently the school nurse told
them that in a first aid class, but a six year old
remembers "Merthiolate?" Oh-kay.
Doctor Humphrey, the bone doctor, catches her saying
that and suggests Karen might become a doctor. I sure
hope not, doctors should usually have a bit of empathy
shouldn't they? And then he starts up Watson's earlier
routine of 'does this hurt? does this hurt?'
Apparently he does find something that makes Karen yell
out in pain and she silently curses at him for having
hurt her. That's his job, Karen. Seriously.
The doctor asks Karen how she hurts her wrist and
instead of just saying "roller skating" she goes into
unnecessary storytime. However, it was four cans she
jumped instead of two. She even twirled around in the
air! Andrew tries to bust her, but she shushes him and
goes on to say she saw this caterpillar on the sidewalk
after her perfect landing and she swerved to avoid him
and THAT is how she fell.
Watson isn't buying it and Andrew points out there were
only two cans. The doctor just says "hmmm, best way I
can think of to break a wrist." And of course it goes
over Karen's head.
She has to have more X-rays, and then the doctor
explains that she'll have to come back for more x-rays
every week and get smaller casts and my eyes are
starting to glaze over at this point. Karen is paying
attention, though, because when he says she's going to
wear it for eight weeks she starts crying. She wants to
go roller skating, dammit!
And just like Ralphie and his Red Ryder BB Gun, Karen
and her roller skates are seperated by the cruel words
of adults. "Not until your wrist has healed."
Karen, however, is upset when she has to go to school.
So she wants to be fine enough to skate but not fine
enough to go to school? Actually that sounds about
right for a six year old.
CHAPTER 11
Karen is sent on her way, and she admits she's staring
at the ground because she felt very sorry for herself.
I think that's about the fourth time she's said that.
Seriously, it's a broken wrist, you'll survive. You're
six, it's not like you have to get going on that cure
for cancer or something. The only six year olds who
have to do that are the Perkinses.
Ricky Torres is in the hospital waiting room and it
turns out he broke his ankle playing baseball. Karen
starts out by just saying she broke her wrist roller
skating, but when she sees her father's not listening
she has to one up her classmate. This time it was five
cans, she did a double twist in the air, and she landed
perfectly. She decides that's enough so her class will
never find out what happened for real, but then she
throws in the caterpillar again, only this time the
caterpillar had a baby too.
Thankfully she is interuptted by the signatures on
Ricky's cast, or else the baby caterpillar probably
would've been in a teeny tiny wheelchair. With a seeing
eye dog. That had a limp.
Karen is jealous that Ricky had so much time to show
his cast off to people and get signatures. When Ricky
says he has to have the cast for six weeks, Karen snots
back she has to have hers for eight so her bone must be
broken worse. And then it descends into a pissing match
between the two who will get more attention at schoool
Monday morning.
Ricky's going to get the signature of a famous baseball
player his father is friends with. Karen's fragile ego
is crushed and he knows it, smirking at her proudly.
And Karen, of course, has to turn this into a contest
and vows to be VERY busy that day.
CHAPTER 12
Karen comes home from the hospital and immediately
starts screaming for everyone to come sign her cast.
Though it counts towards her total signature count, I
don't think she'll get very high points for just
getting her family to sign. I mean, if Karen's going to
treat this like a competition, I can score it like one,
right?
Sam, Charlie and David Michael stop their game of catch
to sign her cast right away and put effort into
thinking up witty little sayings. Karen thanks them by
demanding to know if they know anyone famous.. Because
that totally wouldn't have come up before or anything.
Maybe they met someone famous at breakfast.
Rest of the siblings sign, as do Watson and Elizabeth.
They all get asked the famous person question, which is
even more stupid when it's being asked to a four year
old. Karen admits the truth to Elizabeth who decides to
come up with a creative idea...get Shannon and Boo
Boo's paw prints on the cast!
Actually, that's a really cute idea. Do I think my own
animals would tolerate it? Hell no. Especially my Min
Pin. He goes into hysterics over the simplest things
and my cat would probably have a diva fit. Boo Boo does
hiss, but Shannon goes along with it without fuss. I
like that dog...she's a saint to put up with the
Thomas-Brewer clan so well.
Elizabeth points out they aren't famous autographs, but
they are special. Karen smiles at her and agrees, but
in her head she points out that they won't compete to a
real celebrity autograph. Ungrateful brat.
CHAPTER 13
Karen decides to go around the neighborhood so people
can take pity on her and then she can ask them if they
know any famous people after allowing them to sign the
almighty cast. Okay she said "go visiting" but this is
Karen we're talking about...that's totally what she's
thinking.
Hannie shows proper concern, and Karen has a funny way
of responding. From the book...
'“Karen!” Hannie cried when she opened her door. “What
happened?”
“I broke my wrist,” I said proudly.'
She's PROUD of breaking her wrist? Really? It's not
exactly an accomplishment or anything. In fact, she did
it in a moment of klutziness. But I guess for Karen
anything that puts the attention onto you is something
to celebrate.
Hannie calls her parents and brother out to see Karen's
cast and we get the newest version of the story
explaining how it happened. This time there's seven
coffee cans, she's almost flying..no..she WAS flying
and did a triple twist in the air with a perfect
landing.
Didn't the lady on TV just use six cans? The bullshit
is getting pretty thick here, but it gets worse when
Linny asks if she fell when she landed. Now the
caterpillar has three babies, and Karen jumps over
THOSE and then she falls. Mr. and Mrs. Papadakis frown
at the story and will no doubt soon have a conversation
about how full of shit Karen is and hope that it
doesn't spread to Hannie.
Mrs. Papadakis knows the mayor and Karen gets all
excited, thinking he's really going to sign some random
kid's cast on a Sunday afternoon so she can show up her
classmate. For a change the universe does not bend to
Karen's will and she's told the mayor is out of town.
She pouts, because being polite is for Kindergardeners.
Karne gets Myrtle the Turtle's claw print on her cast
and instead of being satifised with something VERY
unique like that, she wants to continue to canvas the
neighborhood. Hannie is really upset that Karen is
going to visit Amanda Delaney because they are VERY BIG
ENEMIES.
CHAPTER 14
Hannie bitches Karen out a bit about her fraternizing
with the enemy and decides she will not go along.
Thankfully they don't get into a passive aggressive
meltdown, but I think it's kind of strange that Hannie
flips any time Amanda is mentioned. Okay, so they have
different friends, just don't play with her. Or her
four hundred dollar cat.
By the time she gets to the Delaney's house, Karen is
not mad anymore and is sort of upset that her friends
don't like each other. She think it's silly. Well,
that's great for you, Karen, but you can't make them
like each other so don't fucking force the issue!
Shannon is babysitting for Amanda and Max. I'm
surprised it's not Kristy, but since Shannon is part of
the BSC I'm sure it's an approved sitting job.
Now Karen jumped over TEN coffee cans, the police had
to come when she broke her wrist and she went to the
hospital in an ambulance. She gushes interally about
how much she loves to tell stories and this one was
getting to be the best. No one will ever know she fell
down trying to turn around! But they will know she
wouldn't know the truth if it hit her in the ass. Of
course Karen never thinks of that.
Karen asks if Priscilla the four hundred dollar cat can
sign her cast too, but once Amanda finds out it has to
be done with ink she flips out that she does not want
her perfect cat to be soiled.
Again she asks if they know anyone famous and Shannon
is suspicious, wanting to know why. Karen explains that
it's important. Max has a friend who has a friend who
knows the hairdresser of a famous singer Karen has
never heard of. The ice cream truck's bells interupt
Karen from mounting an international effort to get the
singer to sign her cast by the next morning mission
impossible style.
CHAPTER 15
Karen is excited the ice cream man is coming and she
has fifty cents in her pocket. Ah, the eighties. Now a
days they wouldn't let you lick the side of the truck
for fifty cents.
Up and down the block, kids come swarming out of
McMansions like locusts. Despite hating Amanda, Hannie
will stand in line with her if it ends in ice cream.
She and Karen whisper back and forth that they aren't
mad with each other. Which is good, because your friend
being friends with someone you don't like is a really
shitty reason to be mad at someone.
Mr. Tastee drives down the street very slowly, probably
just to torture the kids. They start waving their arms
frantically, afraid he might pass them by. Trust me, if
you have money he won't pass you by. Hell, he'd
probably stop to ASK if you have money.
Mr. Tastee finally pulls up to them and demands to know
what Karen did to herself. Does anyone else find the
ice cream man knowing Karen's full name a little skeezy
or is it just me? Karen doesn't help when she tells us
that he "cares about us kids. He always stops and talks
to us."
Karen tells the creepy ice cream man an even better
version of how she broke her wrist. This time with
helicopters and fire engines. And now creepy ice cream
man gets a point for me for flat out asking Karen if
she's sure that's what happened.
Andrew has a crowning moment of awesome here and
finally speaks up. There were two cans, no
caterpillars, no fire trucks or ambulances or
helicopters. He doesn't say she was just trying to turn
around, instead he continues to be awesome asks Karen
to tell them the real story.
She does and she doesn't think it's as interesting, but
no one seems to mind. They were more interested in the
cast and the autographs than the fact that Karen is a
little liar...I mean, that Karen fell turning around.
Mr Tastee signs Karen's cast and she reacts with pure
shock that his name is Roger Jones. She thought it was
Mr Tastee for real, you guys! It's only the name of the
company, though, and that sound you hear is another
layer of Karen's child like innocence peeling away.
Karen asks him to sign "Mr. Tastee" under his name so
everyone will know who he is. Then he mounts his truck
and rides off into the sunset. Well...mid afternoon
sun. And then she has the nerve to snot she STILL
doesn't have a special autograph with all of her
friends who signed her cast standing around her.
Ungrateful brat.
CHAPTER 16
Karen and her friends sit down on the curb and lick
their "Mr Tastee treats"...which sounds very, very
wrong to me. She looks longingly at the garage and
pouts about not being able to skate for weeks.
Then she sees Morbidda Destiny, the witch next door.
And has to tell her friends she's gathering herbs for a
spell. When Andrew asks what kind of spell, she says
something awful. Maybe a spell to take away Christmas.
And this is where I am grateful that these are just
words on a screen, because if she were an actual child
I would've slapped her for being cruel to her friends.
Karen goes on to 'woe is me' that it's just her luck to
live next door to the only witch in town. First world
problems, Karen. And then she realizes how to solve her
autograph problem..where is Ricky going to get a
bonafide WITCH autograph?
Karen speculates if she's brave enough to do it. After
all, the witch has to get close to her and touch her
cast. Is that even legal? She decides that Hannie will
come with her for support without bothering to ask
Hannie.
She invites Hannie over to play and after buttering her
up with how glad she is they aren't mad at each other
anymore, she throws in there that she needs her to go
to Morbidda Destiny's house with her.
CHAPTER 17
Hannie is like OH HELL NO to the thought of going to
Morbidda Destiny's house, pointing out they got into
very big trouble last time they did. No, Hannie, YOU
probably got into very big trouble because your parents
give a fuck. Karen, on the other hand, got a pat on the
head and was only made to write a passive agressive
apology note.
Karen goes into manipulation mode and suggests taht
Mrs. Porter will think they like her and that will make
her happy. It's not true, of course, but who cares as
long as Karen gets to one up Ricky tomorrow?
She points out that if they go out right away and catch
Mrs. Porter in her garden, then she can't hurt them
because everybody would see. Well, this is a SLIGHT
step up in logic from the last book. SLIGHT.
Oh barf, now she's using emotional blackmail:
'“Don’t you want me to have the best cast in our class
tomorrow?” I asked.'
Where's that bucket again? But Hannie is a good
minion..er...friend and agrees that she does. But now
Karen has to figure out how to ask Mrs. Porter because
if she asks why her autograph, Karen can't say because
she's the only witch in town. Hannie facepalms over the
stupidity of this conversation. Just think of
something, dammit!
Still not quite grasping that amulets are a part of
witchcraft, Karen loads up on lucky charms. Instead of
a spell and herbs this time, they're going with the
lucky rabbit's foot. I guess the rest of the rabbit
isn't so lucky. And a lucky stone. Why do I think that
Karen has a whole drawer of "lucky" items?
Oh boy...Karen admits that the stone isn't really
lucky, but she told Hannie it was lucky so she would
feel better and go along with her plan. Is it any way
NORMAL for a six year old to be this good at
maniuplation?
CHAPTER 18
Karen keeps her hand around the rabbit's foot, which is
lucky, while Hannie clutches the stone that she was
LIED to about. But she doesn't have any time to think
about that, because Morbidda Destiny has gone inside.
Now they have to actually ring the doorbell.
Hannie is scared and once again Karen steps up as a
natural salesman explaining how they'll be safe since
everyone is still outside. Then she reminds Hannie the
lucky stone will protect her. Even though Karen doesn't
believe the stone is lucky and admits lying about it to
make her friend feel better.
Shameless.
Karen rings the bell and snarks that her witch looks
the same as always. Mrs Porter does not seem overly
thrilled to have them there, but asks what she can do
for them. She is asked to autograph the cast and when
she wants to know how Karen broke her wrist, Karen
decides it's a really bad idea to lie to a witch and
tells the truth for the first damn time in this book.
Karen is not too afraid to notice, though, that the
witch is not impressed and gets a little defensive,
telling her it's not interesting but that's how it
happened. And she wants Mrs Porter's autograph because
she's a neighbor and Hannie says she's in a cast
signing contest. Apparently Hannie doesn't think lying
to a witch is a good idea either.
Even though she's confused, Morbidda Destiny reaches
into the folds of her dress and takes out a pen "like
magic". Or, you know, like pockets.
Karen suddenly isn't sure she wants to do this and
decides to jerk her arm away. Only it's too late! The
witch has signed! She's almost afraid to look, after
all, what would a witch sign on a cast? Maybe you
should've thought of that ahead of time.
Of course, like a normal person, Mrs. Porter signed her
name and drew a little picture of a black cat. Karen
spazzes internally about this, wondering if it's a
spell or a sign to attract other witches. Because every
witch in America wants to deal with Karen Brewer.
Riiiiiiiiight.
She thanks the witch and gets the hell out of there,
dragging Hannie along.
CHAPTER 19
Karen wants to examine the cast under a light to figure
out what the picture of the black cat means. It means
she drew a picture of a black cat, dumbass. Then she
decides to show it to her family and if they don't
panic, she won't be worried either.
She finds Charlie and Sam in the kitchen eating, and
snark that they are always eating. Well, good think
Watson's a Real Live Millionaire then. Charlie smiles
but Sam could care less that Mrs. Porter signed Karen's
cast.
Outside she shows it to Elizabeth, Watson and Kristy,
who are gardening together. Because when I think about
being thirteen, I remember wanting to garden with my
parents when I wasn't busy. Instead of, say, hiding in
my room reading Seventeen magazine and listening to the
radio.
Watson points out the picture is of Midnight and Karen
feels silly. I think she should get used to this
feeling, because she's going to feel it a lot in life.
If she ever grows a conscience. IF.
Elizabeth schmoozes how happy Mrs Porter must have been
to get a visit from kids because she's so lonely. How
do they know she's lonely? Obviously she has family
because her granddaugter is in one of the books in the
series. Living alone does not equal being lonely. Just
like being single or not having kids does not
automatically make you lonely.
Hannie almost blows their cover and says they needed
Mrs Porter's autograph because she's a witch, but Karen
drags her away before her parents realize she's back to
her old tricks. In the house she tells Hannie that
grownups don't understand about witches.
Then Karen does a one eighty and says she wishes that
Mrs Porter had added "Morbidda Destiny" so everyone
knew it was a witch autograph. Where the hell did she
ever get that was her name anyways? That's never
explained. Maybe they'll save that for #123 Karen's
Schitzophrenia.
But she's happy because her cast will be just as good
as Ricky's even if it was not better.
CHAPTER 20
The Brewer-Thomas clan breathes a sigh of relief that
their ordeal is over for another two weeks. Except
Kristy, who goes to help Karen pack up and
intentionally talks to her instead of hiding somewhere
until she's left and the coast is clear.
When Kristy mentions that Karen had an exciting
weekend, the first thing out of Karen's mouth is “I got
a witch’s autograph.” Kristy is kinda 'WTF, you broke a
bone' and Karen's all 'oh yeah that too.'
Karen says she's happy to go to school the next morning
because she'll be a star. Kristy tries to remind her
she'll have a co-star because Ricky has a cast too and
Karen's reaction is to be mad at Ricky. How DARE he
break his ankle when she broke her wrist and take full
attention off of her?!
Lisa and Seth arrive and the kids get into a car laden
with suitcases and "things" from their trip to the
State of Maine. I hope they at least kept the more X-
rated stuff in bags, at least.
And because this is Karen's world and we all simply
live in it, Lisa asks her how she would like a famous
person's autograph. Because her friend, a famous movie
star, is in town this week and Lisa said they could go
visit her that night. Almost like she's doing it to
specficially to get the cast autography.
Oh so THAT'S where Karen gets it.
Hope you enjoyed it! I can't help but wonder how many
children now think that breaking a bone is a great
source of attention because of this book.
Next up: #3 Karen's Worst Day