#128 Claudia and the Little Liar Chapters 1-8
So somehow, Karen’s Doll didn't kill me. And my kitchen full of bees has been (mostly) resolved, so I’m back to bingeing on caffeine. Not to mention the vodka and orange juice down there.
Today we come to #128 Claudia and the Little Liar. A book about Haley Braddock being a huge bitch to the BSC. Nice to see a kid that isn’t perfect. Too bad I’m sure there’s some deep-rooted psychological reason behind it, which will be completely healed in fifteen chapters. Maybe being trapped on that island traumatized her against the BSC?
Cover time!
Now, as far as Claudia outfits go, this one is startlingly tame. White button-up, red necklace, an ill-fitted, fugly vest, and apparently a pair of Mom Jeans (she must have raided Dawn’s closet). Haley looks like a ten-year-old boy except for the hair, and wonder of wonders, maybe she FINALLY got rid of that disgusting rattail. Her outfit screams ‘thrift store’ though, with the too-large shirt and startlingly tight jeans.
For some reason they seem to be in an adult’s bedroom, and they’re glaring at each other. Claudia looks like an adult, though, rather than a thirteen-year-old. Sigh.
As for the side of the book, this is after Mallory escaped, so she’s not on there. And the pattern on it is pretty cool.
Suzanne Weyn is the one who “helped prepare” the manuscript this time around. I’m not so sure if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing.
Claudia has a BOY in her room! And it’s not Logan. At least it isn’t during a BSC meeting, so there’s no mention of bra straps or other such scandalous things. Instead it’s her current arm candy, Josh Rocker, getting sewing lessons. Let’s add another dart board to the ghostie wall, and call this one “Crafts Claudia Can Do.” Today it looks like they hit sewing. Honestly I’m surprised Claudia can read a pattern. Then again, she’s “kreativ” and probably just makes up her own.
Anyways, so Josh is sewing “GSBA” patches onto shirts with Claudia. What’s “GSBA” you ask? It’s the plot device local girl’s basketball team. Think WNBA, but shittier and ganglier and completely devout to the BSC. And, because he’s a boy and not an artiste, he’s sewn the two sides of the shirt together. Nickel for every time I’ve done that and I can quit working, pay off my student loans, and snark all day... Oddly enough, this doesn’t incite giggles and a pillowfight, because Josh is an actual teenage boy, and not just a girl who happens to have a Y chromosome (I’m looking at YOU, Logan!). Instead he rolls his eyes and gets to snipping it out.
Janine pokes her head in to the room to make sure her sister is still a virgin, and asks in her geniusspeak way if they need help. I give props to the Kishis, because they put Janine in charge while they’re out. Not really baby-sitting, of course, because Claudia is SO MATURE GAIZ, but just making sure the house doesn’t burn down and Claudia doesn’t get pregnant. Point Team Kishi!
Help turned down, Janine goes back to her room to work on calculus, which I’ll let slide because when I was a junior in high school, and thus Janine’s age, I was doing pre-calc and I’m NOT a supergenius. So her doing calc isn’t completely impossible.
Anyways, it’s revealed that Kristy conned Claudia into conning Josh into this, and also that Claudia and Josh have a-gasp with me now-relationship that’s about more than romance. They actually like to HANG OUT together! Like a NORMAL couple!
Suzanne Weyn, you are winning my heart.
Kristy, it turns out, didn’t think up the GSBA, but she IS the coach. Uh-huh.
Anyways, Josh says that the only reason he offered to help with the uniforms is so that he could actually, you know, spend some time with his girlfriend, since she’s always busy. Again, realism! I may have to hit the big red “Shit Is Getting Real” button.
Right, moving along. So Claudia and Josh have ‘so much in common.’ Ah, young love. xkcd summed it up best:
Blah blah blah, Claudia is dumb as a rock and got sent back to seventh grade after STILL not grasping basic concepts that the other kids could do in their sleep during her 86th time through eighth grade. Claudia admits to being the new Stacey and pimpin’ it up with seventh grade boys, and honestly, I care so very little about young teen romance. As is proper.
Josh gets the idea to dye the waistband of the shorts blue, something about potato stamps, and then it’s almost BSC meeting time. Josh asks Claudia to the movies, and rather than say she can’t because she’s baby-sitting, she’s actually got a family event. It’s dad’s birthday, family dinner, etc. Josh bails out of there, not wanting to get brain-washed, and there’s an awkward goodbye at the front door for some reason. Oh, god, is this a book with relationship drama?
Gossiping about how Josh is so nervous around the BSC, which they obliviously decide it’s because he’s the only seventh grader around a bunch of eighth grades. Much more likely it’s because he’s a boy, he doesn’t baby-sit, and he’s not fond of being brainwashed, gals.
Kristy and Abby are already there, which is why Josh made such a hasty escape. Jessi shows up next. It’s weird to see Jessi without Mal attached at the hip, according to Claudia.
Fourth wall gets broken. We back up to explain what the HELL is going on here. Here we go, folks!
This is probably the shortest summary of the BSC in existence. It’s two decently sized paragraphs, and it doesn’t touch on every bit of drama. Club forms, club gets busy, Dawn joins, club gets busier, Jessi and Mal join. Dawn moves, Abby joins. Mal moves, they don’t replace her.
Kid-kits, club notebook, Kristy “uniform” description. She’s short but don’t judge a person by their appearance because she has a big personality. If by “big personality” you mean “overbearing, controlling bitch.”
The mansion is a mansion, no mentions of “real, live.” And Watson is a millionaire, without the “real, live” bit. Amazing. The other amazing thing is just how SHORT these personal summaries are.
Claudia, stop breaking the fourth wall. It hurts my logic.
Claudia is OMG AZN. And has food all over her room.
Stacey “just made it” at 5:27. Guess Kristy is back to “if you’re on time you’re late.” I can see her as a military type. Anyways, Stacey is Claudia’s diabetic BFF (unless they like the same boy, then she’s “that bitch that can’t eat sugar”.) Sophisticated, New York City, Ethan is her fifteen-year-old boyfriend but she skanks it up in Stoneybook anyways. Uh-huh.
The lack of outfits is breaking my heart, Suzanne.
Abby wants Ring-Dings. So do I. Claudia finds them, then weakly segues into describing Abby. Who, by the way, needs the energy for “another hard half hour of alternating.” I know most people don’t like Abby much, but sometimes she really does crack me up. You can tell, she doesn’t take this little club nearly as seriously as everyone else.
Long island, dead dad, lives in a “big house” with her mom and her sister (but not a mansion! Only Kristy does that!). Abby gets another short stint of a description. I’m amazed.
Mary Anne gets there at exactly five-thirty, and “jokes” about having the walk from her house to Claudia’s perfectly timed. Even though she’s joking, Claudia thinks she WOULD do something like that, since Mary Anne is “so organized.” There’s a difference between organized and obsessive-compulsive, sweetie.
Club record book description, and how meetings are run. Mary Anne is “always super fair and no one ever has a complaint.” I beg to differ. There have been several fights about jobs.
Mary Anne’s empathy is like a superpower, apparently. She can share people’s pain, and will cry FOR them. Never tell her about all those atrocities happening in the world, guys. She’d probably drown in her tears. Even PAST atrocities should be avoided. I bet she’d cry at the end of 300.
Claudia’s crush for this book is officially Mary Anne, as she gets THE longest description of her life thus far. Dawn gets crammed in there too. And Logan, which segues into Shannon. Jessi has been in the room for like ten minutes, and has barely gotten a mention. Guess we know how Claudia feels about the other minority sixth-grader.
Anyways, Mrs. Braddock calls, Claudia takes the job. Jessi looks glum, which brings us to pointing out Mal moved. Jessi really is the new Mallory, as she gets a tiny paragraph to describe her (aka, a list of her personality traits). With no mention of “OMG BLACK WE’RE SO ACCEPTING.” This book is so... strange.
The girls talk about the GSBA (which I keep mentally filling in as “Gay-Straight Basketball Alliance.” Shut up.) uniforms a little, and Claudia realizes that her friends talk about Josh like he’s a puppy, rather than a person. “It’s cute of him to try” to help with the uniforms indeed.
Conflict? Nah. Let's move on.
Matt is omgdeaf, and now is a good time to bring up something.
Does anyone else think that Matt and Haley are possibly only half-siblings? When you compare what Matt looks like on the cover of Jessi’s Secret Language to Haley on the cover of this book... They don’t look similar at all. I thought Matt was Hispanic or something. And Haley definitely looks Caucasian. It just always seemed weird to me.
Anyways, moving on.
Still plotting to go behind Kristy’s back with the waistbands of the shorts, Claudia asks Haley if she’d like blue or plain. Like a typical nine-year-old, Haley doesn’t give a damn. The Braddock parents are going to the elementary school for a meeting of the “spring dance committee” and shouldn’t be later than nine or so... Claudia got there at six... I sure hope the parents have put this meeting off to the last minute, and need to get everything done tonight. If they regularly have three-hour meetings, that’s INSANE.
Mrs. Braddock reminds Haley to do her homework, Haley whines that it’s Friday, Mrs. Braddock points out they don’t want to have any more Sunday night panics. Plot devices, this book reeks of them.
Braddocks leave, Haley turns on the TV. BUT TV IS EVIL, HALEY. This proves she’s a bad kid right now.
Claudia tells her she has to do her homework first, and Haley tries to wheedle out of it. Claudia is all “I don’t want to be an authority figure...” whining to us... THEN WHY ARE YOU A BABY-SITTER?! YOU ARE BEING PAID TO BE AN AUTHORITY FIGURE WHILE THE PARENTS ARE GONE. You can be the kids’ friend, but you’re supposed to be their guardian first. UGH.
Instead of laying down the law, Claudia resorts to begging. Makes me sick. Then while Haley goes to "do her homework", Claudia and Matt play a video game together that Matt got. This sequence just seems really cute in my head... Partly because I picture the game something like Mario Kart (they mention that it’s a racing game), and partly because Claudia totally fails at it, while Matt is all rockin’ at it, and teaching her how to play. It just seems cute.
Anyways, an hour or so passes, Claudia decides to take a break from crashing and burning at the game, and gets a soda. She notices that the Braddock’s phone is lit up indicating use, and figures Haley’s making a homework-related call. Uh-huh...
Claudia goes ahead and eavesdrops on Haley on the phone, who’s talking about The Jonas Brothers Hanson some guys starring in a movie who totally have a band. Not homework. And of course, when Claudia makes her presence known, Haley switches gears and pretends to be getting math help from Vanessa Pike. I snicker.
Anyways, there is of course, no math book or notebook around. But Haley’s got a computer (!!!!) in her room, and she’s writing her monthly book report. Since Claudia knows she can’t get away with asking Haley if she wants a proof-reader, she instead says that she wants to see the work when it’s done. Unsurprising protests from the nine-year-old, since Mrs. Braddock just said to get the homework done, not to have Claudia check it. But Claudia pulls the authority card, even though she supposedly hates that.
So Haley finishes and shows Claudia her book report, then her and Matt watch a movie together until the Braddock parents get back. I’m shocked that they’re watching TV, watching movies, and playing video games. What have you done to the BSC universe, Suzanne?
...Can it stay this way?
Anyways, Braddocks get home. Claudia mentions that the book report is on the table. Mrs. Braddock is a sharp cookie, takes one look at the report, and declares that Haley just printed out last month’s report again and tricked Claudia. She sends Haley to her room to do her homework right then and there, and Haley gets pissed at Claudia.
Conflict is brewing!
Notebook entry from Stacey. This chapter looks like it’s going to be sports, but also funny.
“If you get a member of the basketball team grounded, please do it on a day when I don’t have to fill in for her.”
The very first sentence reveals that Stacey wasn’t even baby-sitting, so why the hell she’s writing a notebook entry is well beyond my understanding. But whatever. Kristy says jump, the BSC jumps, right?
And then some, since Kristy had “volunteered [Stacey]” to be there. Seriously, Kristy has a future in military leadership. “If you’re on time, you’re late. And you’ve been voluntold.”
Vanessa brings the news that Haley is grounded. Kristy orders Stacey to play in her place. Charlotte is all “Yay!” about that, Becca thinks Stacey is a little too tall to play with them. I’d feel awkward as hell if my baby-sitter was suddenly on my basketball team. If I played basketball, anyways. Also, Vanessa whines that Stacey gives the other team an unfair advantage. That sentence is somewhat ambiguous if we’re talking about sports teams or the “playing for the other team” way of saying “homosexual.” You decide!
So Stacey tries not to utterly trash everyone, but apparently she’d been “playing basketball longer than most of the other girls had been alive.” If the average player is nine... Stacey’s been playing basketball since she was four? What the hell? That doesn’t even make any... My... my head hurts.
Kristy is a major hard-ass on Stacey to make up for the fact that Stacey is apparently some sort of basketball whiz. And the other girls are unsurprisingly somewhat resentful about that. Vanessa is especially bitchy in this case, though since Haley is apparently one of her BFFs, it makes sense.
Also, Suzanne Weyn officially won my heart when she mentioned that Karen was on the team, but didn’t give her any dialog in this chapter.
Proving they’re oh-so-mature, the thirteen-year-olds get into a verbal fight with a bunch of nine-year-olds over whether or not Claudia turned Haley in on lying purposely, just to be mean. Sara Hill cracks me up, too.
”You can’t just anyone over nine,” Sara said with a sigh. “Once a kid becomes a two-digit number, something changes.”
Its called puberty, dear, and its perfectly natural. Also I now picture kids literally turning into a two-digit number on their tenth birthday.
Some girl named Diana points out that baby-sitters are loyal to parents, because that’s where the money comes from. True that.
So now Claudia’s got a bad reputation among the kids. At least it’s not like the reputation Stacey has among the Sea City lifeguards.
Meanwhile, Claudia has decided to go ahead and dye the waistbands. Thirty lashes for not running it by Kristy first!
So... Claudia has forgotten when her own father’s birthday is, by a week. She wishes him a happy birthday, and he says that it’s next Saturday, not this one. Ooooh, drama?
Rather than immediately call her boyfriend to hang out, Claudia ponders if she really WANTS to, since she suddenly has free time (don’t let Kristy know, or you’ll be put to work). She even contemplates doing her homework. On a Saturday. The hell?
Having been attacked by a body-snatcher recently, Claudia opts to do some homework, read for a while, then ponder calling her boyfriend. Who are you and what have you done with our regular Claudia? Suzanne, you’re scaring me now...
Okay, slightly better. Claudia decides book first, and we get a short summary thereof. She’s so drawn into the book, that it startles her when her phone rings... And of course, it’s Josh calling. Not wanting to look dumb, Claudia just lies. Hey, this sounds like another book I just finished facedesking over!
So, Josh invites her out the next day instead, and Claudia agrees. Whoo.
She feels kinda guilty about lying, but hey, it’s not like it hurt anyone. I just hope she doesn’t pull a Karen, and try to blame her lie on her dad or Josh or something. Also, hello, parallels to the baby-sitting plot.
Claudia apparently takes all romantic interactions from TV and romance movies, realizing that she’s a bad girlfriend for not immediately calling her boyfriend when she realizes she’s got free time. IT IS OKAY TO HAVE TIME TO YOURSELF, CLAUDIA. A relationship that dependent isn’t healthy.
They go to a so-bad-it’s-good B-movie, which is kind of awesome. And comment on it the entire time. At least they’re not really disturbing others, since apparently everyone else in town heard that the movie sucked. Also, Claudia notices that unlike with her last piece of arm candy, she’s not all thrilled and breathless just to be breathing the same air as him. Claudia, babe, that’s a GOOD sign. You should feel like your boyfriend is a friend, not like he’s some god that has deemed you worth notice.
She feels as comfortable as she does with her “girlfriends.” I titter. But she wants to feel ROMANTIC towards him. Claudia, you’re thirteen. Relax.
Hee, girlfriends.
Meeting time! Mrs. Braddock calls with a last-minute job request, and Claudia asks if she can take it, to sort things out with Haley.
Anyways, while Matt is generally enthusiastic to see Claudia, Haley is pissy. So, since Haley has to do her homework before any TV, Claudia suggests they have a little study party, and all do their homework. Matt has none, but Haley says he’s lying and he does have homework. Claudia contemplates this, and then decides to use past precedent in the matter and believe Matt over Haley. Probably a smart move.
Phone rings! Vanessa and Haley again. Claudia realizes she didn’t eat before coming over, so she goes to make herself a sandwich. I guess Matt just gets to sit around, unsupervised? Okay then.
When Claudia mouths for Haley to get off the phone, Haley totally blows her off. So, she does the logical (surprise, surprise) thing and picks up another extension, cutting in to tell the girls to stop talking about who needs a bra already or whatever, and get on their homework.
Haley’s still being a bitch, and when Claudia offers her help, she responds “not likely.” Which is true, because I wouldn’t want help from Claudia either, in any subject, no matter the grade level.
Claudia and Matt play Go Fish, and seriously, I adore Matt sometimes. He just seems like an all-around awesome kid. Haley finishes her homework, and bring it down for Claudia to see, along with a typed up assignment sheet showing that she completed everything assigned. Rather than bond over how homework does pretty much blow, Claudia tries to set a good example by saying that “it must be important.” Pfffft not really no. Also, Claudia reminds the reader that it’s better just to do your homework and get it done.
Let that sink in for a bit, and when you’re over your shock, we’ll move on.
So Haley gets back on the phone with her gal pal Vanessa, and Claudia and Matt watch some show on TV. Claudia notes that the Braddocks have closed captioning (did she not notice when she was there a few days ago?), and that sometimes it moves fast and is hard to follow. Even more fun is when there’s a live program, and the captioner screws up. Yeah, I used to turn on live tv with CC just to watch that.
Haley’s bitchin’ to Vanessa about Claudia, calling her the traitor and the little tattletale, and making it seem more like Claudia’s a homework dictator, rather than Haley’s parents. Claudia’s all hurt by this, which is kind of stupid. Rebellious phase, Kishi. You know you had one too. Move along. Also, somehow despite the Braddocks being new clients in book 16, and the Pikes being established as having been baby-sat before the BSC formed, Claudia’s known Haley just as long as Vanessa. Uh-huh, right. I guess with the time loop, it HAS been years and years.
Because she’s SOOOO mature, she’s totally hurt by what this nine-year-old is saying about her. Get over it, Claudia. Claudia even ADMITS that she knows Haley’s just frustrated with school, and blaming her instead of looking for the root of the problem. Also, like a boss Claudia decides to just ignore the problem, because it’ll probably go away on its own. Hahahahaha.
Mrs. Braddock gets home, and Haley tries to make Claudia look bad by makin’ shit up about what she said and did. Of course, Mrs. Braddock isn’t an idiot, and believes Claudia over her compulsive liar of a daughter. Claudia’s shocked, Mr. Braddock drives her home. She’s all “thank god I’m away from that brat” about it.
The BSC, guys. SO MATURE.
The next day, the Cult is all together at lunch. Now that Mal’s gone, does Jessi have to sit all alone at the BSC Junior Member Table? Or is she allowed to have OUTSIDE FRIENDS? I guess as long as they don’t chew gum, right, Wendy?
Kristy gets paranoid that her Cult will lose the majority market on child rearing in Stoneybrook if all the girls they sit for start lying about them. Blah blah blah omg the BSC will fail! Uh-huh. We know it won’t happen for another few books, let’s move on.
Claudia’s hanging out with Josh after school that day, and unable to think of ANYTHING else to talk about, she spills the Haley story to him. He isn’t his usual commenting self about it, so she wonders if a body-snatcher got him. I think I foreshadowed my own snark. Am I so in love with Suzanne Weyn that I can read her mind? Or are the books just that transparent?
So Claudia’s all freaked out because Josh just doesn’t seem like Josh. Middle. School. “Dating.” They go to the park and watch kites fly and plan to make a kite together soon. This is such a snooze-fest. You know what’s more boring than just sitting around not talking to someone? Reading about it.
So Josh asks if she thinks things are working out between them, Claudia says yes immediately, then feels like she lied. She gets all stressed about it because she wants to be in love with him, but what if she isn’t, guys?
WHAT IF SHE ISN’T?
...No, really, I can’t care about some young teen “romance” falling on hard times. I just can’t.
Abby brings us into the next chapter with a notebook entry where she admits Kristy was right-complete with an “ouch.” Oh Abby. Stay defiant.
In possibly the funniest moment ever, Haley is convincing the other girls on the GSBA team that the baby-sitters tell their parents everything. We’ll take a short break while you recover from your laughter.
Suzanne rips a fresh wound into my heart by letting Karen talk, but it’s a shallow wound, as Karen doesn’t talk like her typical annoying self.
Sick of hearing a bratty nine-year-old trash talk her and The Best Friends You’ll Ever Have (TM), Abby steps up and is all “WHATCHOO SAY BITCH?!” Haley pretends she was talking about a TV show, but guilty faces totally give it away.
Abby tells Kristy what’s up now, and Kristy points out evidence to the contrary-patching up a fight between Norman and Sara Hill (she called him fat so he tripped her. I bet by ‘patching up’ Kristy means punishing the fat kid and kissing the skinny kid’s boo-boo better. Ugh, BSC) and not telling their parents. Yeah, but that was last week, Kristy. The kids have forgotten by now.
Haley gets called for traveling and backtalks. Kristy says that talking back during a game will get her sidelined. I give Kristy some points here for that-it’s an effective and true threat, presented in a calm manner. Also, when Haley keeps running her mouth, Kristy has to just walk away before she loses it.
SO MATURE GAIZ.
Despite being in the BSC, Kristy mentions talking to Mrs. Braddock about Haley’s lying. Haha. Don’t make me laugh.
Of course, some of the girls, Haley among them, overhear this comment. Abby notices, and Kristy turns to the girls, only for them to run away. Abby makes me smile again, with this exchange:
”Oh great, now they’re afraid of me.”
Abby laughed. “That’s nothing. I’m afraid of you sometimes.”
Never change, Abby. Never change.
After that Abby’s got a sitting job for the Rowdowsky’s. There’s not a single mention of Jackie being clumsy. Suzanne and I are on again.
However, while Abby changes into a dry sweater (since she got caught in the rain on the way to the job), Jackie and Shae go up to their rooms. She asks Archie what the hell is up with that, and he says that they heard she’s a spy. When she asks why he isn’t hiding too, he says that he wants to spy with her. Aw.
So Archie gets to spying on his neighbor, while Abby is kind of shocked that the boys think she’s a spy. She decides to go upstairs and see what the other boys are up to, starting with Shae.
Partway into her conversation with Shae, Jackie Strikes, falling onto the floor when his door swings open from leaning on it. My god, baby-sitting chapters are boring. Let’s skip ahead.
Shae’s painting a model airplane for school, which he’s not supposed to do in his room. Abby suggests he work in the garage instead. Chapter ends without conflict. Hooray.
Chapters 9-15 to come sometime in the future!
Today we come to #128 Claudia and the Little Liar. A book about Haley Braddock being a huge bitch to the BSC. Nice to see a kid that isn’t perfect. Too bad I’m sure there’s some deep-rooted psychological reason behind it, which will be completely healed in fifteen chapters. Maybe being trapped on that island traumatized her against the BSC?
Cover time!
Now, as far as Claudia outfits go, this one is startlingly tame. White button-up, red necklace, an ill-fitted, fugly vest, and apparently a pair of Mom Jeans (she must have raided Dawn’s closet). Haley looks like a ten-year-old boy except for the hair, and wonder of wonders, maybe she FINALLY got rid of that disgusting rattail. Her outfit screams ‘thrift store’ though, with the too-large shirt and startlingly tight jeans.
For some reason they seem to be in an adult’s bedroom, and they’re glaring at each other. Claudia looks like an adult, though, rather than a thirteen-year-old. Sigh.
As for the side of the book, this is after Mallory escaped, so she’s not on there. And the pattern on it is pretty cool.
Suzanne Weyn is the one who “helped prepare” the manuscript this time around. I’m not so sure if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing.
Claudia has a BOY in her room! And it’s not Logan. At least it isn’t during a BSC meeting, so there’s no mention of bra straps or other such scandalous things. Instead it’s her current arm candy, Josh Rocker, getting sewing lessons. Let’s add another dart board to the ghostie wall, and call this one “Crafts Claudia Can Do.” Today it looks like they hit sewing. Honestly I’m surprised Claudia can read a pattern. Then again, she’s “kreativ” and probably just makes up her own.
Anyways, so Josh is sewing “GSBA” patches onto shirts with Claudia. What’s “GSBA” you ask? It’s the plot device local girl’s basketball team. Think WNBA, but shittier and ganglier and completely devout to the BSC. And, because he’s a boy and not an artiste, he’s sewn the two sides of the shirt together. Nickel for every time I’ve done that and I can quit working, pay off my student loans, and snark all day... Oddly enough, this doesn’t incite giggles and a pillowfight, because Josh is an actual teenage boy, and not just a girl who happens to have a Y chromosome (I’m looking at YOU, Logan!). Instead he rolls his eyes and gets to snipping it out.
Janine pokes her head in to the room to make sure her sister is still a virgin, and asks in her geniusspeak way if they need help. I give props to the Kishis, because they put Janine in charge while they’re out. Not really baby-sitting, of course, because Claudia is SO MATURE GAIZ, but just making sure the house doesn’t burn down and Claudia doesn’t get pregnant. Point Team Kishi!
Help turned down, Janine goes back to her room to work on calculus, which I’ll let slide because when I was a junior in high school, and thus Janine’s age, I was doing pre-calc and I’m NOT a supergenius. So her doing calc isn’t completely impossible.
Anyways, it’s revealed that Kristy conned Claudia into conning Josh into this, and also that Claudia and Josh have a-gasp with me now-relationship that’s about more than romance. They actually like to HANG OUT together! Like a NORMAL couple!
Suzanne Weyn, you are winning my heart.
Kristy, it turns out, didn’t think up the GSBA, but she IS the coach. Uh-huh.
Anyways, Josh says that the only reason he offered to help with the uniforms is so that he could actually, you know, spend some time with his girlfriend, since she’s always busy. Again, realism! I may have to hit the big red “Shit Is Getting Real” button.
Right, moving along. So Claudia and Josh have ‘so much in common.’ Ah, young love. xkcd summed it up best:
Blah blah blah, Claudia is dumb as a rock and got sent back to seventh grade after STILL not grasping basic concepts that the other kids could do in their sleep during her 86th time through eighth grade. Claudia admits to being the new Stacey and pimpin’ it up with seventh grade boys, and honestly, I care so very little about young teen romance. As is proper.
Josh gets the idea to dye the waistband of the shorts blue, something about potato stamps, and then it’s almost BSC meeting time. Josh asks Claudia to the movies, and rather than say she can’t because she’s baby-sitting, she’s actually got a family event. It’s dad’s birthday, family dinner, etc. Josh bails out of there, not wanting to get brain-washed, and there’s an awkward goodbye at the front door for some reason. Oh, god, is this a book with relationship drama?
Gossiping about how Josh is so nervous around the BSC, which they obliviously decide it’s because he’s the only seventh grader around a bunch of eighth grades. Much more likely it’s because he’s a boy, he doesn’t baby-sit, and he’s not fond of being brainwashed, gals.
Kristy and Abby are already there, which is why Josh made such a hasty escape. Jessi shows up next. It’s weird to see Jessi without Mal attached at the hip, according to Claudia.
Fourth wall gets broken. We back up to explain what the HELL is going on here. Here we go, folks!
This is probably the shortest summary of the BSC in existence. It’s two decently sized paragraphs, and it doesn’t touch on every bit of drama. Club forms, club gets busy, Dawn joins, club gets busier, Jessi and Mal join. Dawn moves, Abby joins. Mal moves, they don’t replace her.
Kid-kits, club notebook, Kristy “uniform” description. She’s short but don’t judge a person by their appearance because she has a big personality. If by “big personality” you mean “overbearing, controlling bitch.”
The mansion is a mansion, no mentions of “real, live.” And Watson is a millionaire, without the “real, live” bit. Amazing. The other amazing thing is just how SHORT these personal summaries are.
Claudia, stop breaking the fourth wall. It hurts my logic.
Claudia is OMG AZN. And has food all over her room.
Stacey “just made it” at 5:27. Guess Kristy is back to “if you’re on time you’re late.” I can see her as a military type. Anyways, Stacey is Claudia’s diabetic BFF (unless they like the same boy, then she’s “that bitch that can’t eat sugar”.) Sophisticated, New York City, Ethan is her fifteen-year-old boyfriend but she skanks it up in Stoneybook anyways. Uh-huh.
The lack of outfits is breaking my heart, Suzanne.
Abby wants Ring-Dings. So do I. Claudia finds them, then weakly segues into describing Abby. Who, by the way, needs the energy for “another hard half hour of alternating.” I know most people don’t like Abby much, but sometimes she really does crack me up. You can tell, she doesn’t take this little club nearly as seriously as everyone else.
Long island, dead dad, lives in a “big house” with her mom and her sister (but not a mansion! Only Kristy does that!). Abby gets another short stint of a description. I’m amazed.
Mary Anne gets there at exactly five-thirty, and “jokes” about having the walk from her house to Claudia’s perfectly timed. Even though she’s joking, Claudia thinks she WOULD do something like that, since Mary Anne is “so organized.” There’s a difference between organized and obsessive-compulsive, sweetie.
Club record book description, and how meetings are run. Mary Anne is “always super fair and no one ever has a complaint.” I beg to differ. There have been several fights about jobs.
Mary Anne’s empathy is like a superpower, apparently. She can share people’s pain, and will cry FOR them. Never tell her about all those atrocities happening in the world, guys. She’d probably drown in her tears. Even PAST atrocities should be avoided. I bet she’d cry at the end of 300.
Claudia’s crush for this book is officially Mary Anne, as she gets THE longest description of her life thus far. Dawn gets crammed in there too. And Logan, which segues into Shannon. Jessi has been in the room for like ten minutes, and has barely gotten a mention. Guess we know how Claudia feels about the other minority sixth-grader.
Anyways, Mrs. Braddock calls, Claudia takes the job. Jessi looks glum, which brings us to pointing out Mal moved. Jessi really is the new Mallory, as she gets a tiny paragraph to describe her (aka, a list of her personality traits). With no mention of “OMG BLACK WE’RE SO ACCEPTING.” This book is so... strange.
The girls talk about the GSBA (which I keep mentally filling in as “Gay-Straight Basketball Alliance.” Shut up.) uniforms a little, and Claudia realizes that her friends talk about Josh like he’s a puppy, rather than a person. “It’s cute of him to try” to help with the uniforms indeed.
Conflict? Nah. Let's move on.
Matt is omgdeaf, and now is a good time to bring up something.
Does anyone else think that Matt and Haley are possibly only half-siblings? When you compare what Matt looks like on the cover of Jessi’s Secret Language to Haley on the cover of this book... They don’t look similar at all. I thought Matt was Hispanic or something. And Haley definitely looks Caucasian. It just always seemed weird to me.
Anyways, moving on.
Still plotting to go behind Kristy’s back with the waistbands of the shorts, Claudia asks Haley if she’d like blue or plain. Like a typical nine-year-old, Haley doesn’t give a damn. The Braddock parents are going to the elementary school for a meeting of the “spring dance committee” and shouldn’t be later than nine or so... Claudia got there at six... I sure hope the parents have put this meeting off to the last minute, and need to get everything done tonight. If they regularly have three-hour meetings, that’s INSANE.
Mrs. Braddock reminds Haley to do her homework, Haley whines that it’s Friday, Mrs. Braddock points out they don’t want to have any more Sunday night panics. Plot devices, this book reeks of them.
Braddocks leave, Haley turns on the TV. BUT TV IS EVIL, HALEY. This proves she’s a bad kid right now.
Claudia tells her she has to do her homework first, and Haley tries to wheedle out of it. Claudia is all “I don’t want to be an authority figure...” whining to us... THEN WHY ARE YOU A BABY-SITTER?! YOU ARE BEING PAID TO BE AN AUTHORITY FIGURE WHILE THE PARENTS ARE GONE. You can be the kids’ friend, but you’re supposed to be their guardian first. UGH.
Instead of laying down the law, Claudia resorts to begging. Makes me sick. Then while Haley goes to "do her homework", Claudia and Matt play a video game together that Matt got. This sequence just seems really cute in my head... Partly because I picture the game something like Mario Kart (they mention that it’s a racing game), and partly because Claudia totally fails at it, while Matt is all rockin’ at it, and teaching her how to play. It just seems cute.
Anyways, an hour or so passes, Claudia decides to take a break from crashing and burning at the game, and gets a soda. She notices that the Braddock’s phone is lit up indicating use, and figures Haley’s making a homework-related call. Uh-huh...
Claudia goes ahead and eavesdrops on Haley on the phone, who’s talking about The Jonas Brothers Hanson some guys starring in a movie who totally have a band. Not homework. And of course, when Claudia makes her presence known, Haley switches gears and pretends to be getting math help from Vanessa Pike. I snicker.
Anyways, there is of course, no math book or notebook around. But Haley’s got a computer (!!!!) in her room, and she’s writing her monthly book report. Since Claudia knows she can’t get away with asking Haley if she wants a proof-reader, she instead says that she wants to see the work when it’s done. Unsurprising protests from the nine-year-old, since Mrs. Braddock just said to get the homework done, not to have Claudia check it. But Claudia pulls the authority card, even though she supposedly hates that.
So Haley finishes and shows Claudia her book report, then her and Matt watch a movie together until the Braddock parents get back. I’m shocked that they’re watching TV, watching movies, and playing video games. What have you done to the BSC universe, Suzanne?
...Can it stay this way?
Anyways, Braddocks get home. Claudia mentions that the book report is on the table. Mrs. Braddock is a sharp cookie, takes one look at the report, and declares that Haley just printed out last month’s report again and tricked Claudia. She sends Haley to her room to do her homework right then and there, and Haley gets pissed at Claudia.
Conflict is brewing!
Notebook entry from Stacey. This chapter looks like it’s going to be sports, but also funny.
“If you get a member of the basketball team grounded, please do it on a day when I don’t have to fill in for her.”
The very first sentence reveals that Stacey wasn’t even baby-sitting, so why the hell she’s writing a notebook entry is well beyond my understanding. But whatever. Kristy says jump, the BSC jumps, right?
And then some, since Kristy had “volunteered [Stacey]” to be there. Seriously, Kristy has a future in military leadership. “If you’re on time, you’re late. And you’ve been voluntold.”
Vanessa brings the news that Haley is grounded. Kristy orders Stacey to play in her place. Charlotte is all “Yay!” about that, Becca thinks Stacey is a little too tall to play with them. I’d feel awkward as hell if my baby-sitter was suddenly on my basketball team. If I played basketball, anyways. Also, Vanessa whines that Stacey gives the other team an unfair advantage. That sentence is somewhat ambiguous if we’re talking about sports teams or the “playing for the other team” way of saying “homosexual.” You decide!
So Stacey tries not to utterly trash everyone, but apparently she’d been “playing basketball longer than most of the other girls had been alive.” If the average player is nine... Stacey’s been playing basketball since she was four? What the hell? That doesn’t even make any... My... my head hurts.
Kristy is a major hard-ass on Stacey to make up for the fact that Stacey is apparently some sort of basketball whiz. And the other girls are unsurprisingly somewhat resentful about that. Vanessa is especially bitchy in this case, though since Haley is apparently one of her BFFs, it makes sense.
Also, Suzanne Weyn officially won my heart when she mentioned that Karen was on the team, but didn’t give her any dialog in this chapter.
Proving they’re oh-so-mature, the thirteen-year-olds get into a verbal fight with a bunch of nine-year-olds over whether or not Claudia turned Haley in on lying purposely, just to be mean. Sara Hill cracks me up, too.
”You can’t just anyone over nine,” Sara said with a sigh. “Once a kid becomes a two-digit number, something changes.”
Its called puberty, dear, and its perfectly natural. Also I now picture kids literally turning into a two-digit number on their tenth birthday.
Some girl named Diana points out that baby-sitters are loyal to parents, because that’s where the money comes from. True that.
So now Claudia’s got a bad reputation among the kids. At least it’s not like the reputation Stacey has among the Sea City lifeguards.
Meanwhile, Claudia has decided to go ahead and dye the waistbands. Thirty lashes for not running it by Kristy first!
So... Claudia has forgotten when her own father’s birthday is, by a week. She wishes him a happy birthday, and he says that it’s next Saturday, not this one. Ooooh, drama?
Rather than immediately call her boyfriend to hang out, Claudia ponders if she really WANTS to, since she suddenly has free time (don’t let Kristy know, or you’ll be put to work). She even contemplates doing her homework. On a Saturday. The hell?
Having been attacked by a body-snatcher recently, Claudia opts to do some homework, read for a while, then ponder calling her boyfriend. Who are you and what have you done with our regular Claudia? Suzanne, you’re scaring me now...
Okay, slightly better. Claudia decides book first, and we get a short summary thereof. She’s so drawn into the book, that it startles her when her phone rings... And of course, it’s Josh calling. Not wanting to look dumb, Claudia just lies. Hey, this sounds like another book I just finished facedesking over!
So, Josh invites her out the next day instead, and Claudia agrees. Whoo.
She feels kinda guilty about lying, but hey, it’s not like it hurt anyone. I just hope she doesn’t pull a Karen, and try to blame her lie on her dad or Josh or something. Also, hello, parallels to the baby-sitting plot.
Claudia apparently takes all romantic interactions from TV and romance movies, realizing that she’s a bad girlfriend for not immediately calling her boyfriend when she realizes she’s got free time. IT IS OKAY TO HAVE TIME TO YOURSELF, CLAUDIA. A relationship that dependent isn’t healthy.
They go to a so-bad-it’s-good B-movie, which is kind of awesome. And comment on it the entire time. At least they’re not really disturbing others, since apparently everyone else in town heard that the movie sucked. Also, Claudia notices that unlike with her last piece of arm candy, she’s not all thrilled and breathless just to be breathing the same air as him. Claudia, babe, that’s a GOOD sign. You should feel like your boyfriend is a friend, not like he’s some god that has deemed you worth notice.
She feels as comfortable as she does with her “girlfriends.” I titter. But she wants to feel ROMANTIC towards him. Claudia, you’re thirteen. Relax.
Hee, girlfriends.
Meeting time! Mrs. Braddock calls with a last-minute job request, and Claudia asks if she can take it, to sort things out with Haley.
Anyways, while Matt is generally enthusiastic to see Claudia, Haley is pissy. So, since Haley has to do her homework before any TV, Claudia suggests they have a little study party, and all do their homework. Matt has none, but Haley says he’s lying and he does have homework. Claudia contemplates this, and then decides to use past precedent in the matter and believe Matt over Haley. Probably a smart move.
Phone rings! Vanessa and Haley again. Claudia realizes she didn’t eat before coming over, so she goes to make herself a sandwich. I guess Matt just gets to sit around, unsupervised? Okay then.
When Claudia mouths for Haley to get off the phone, Haley totally blows her off. So, she does the logical (surprise, surprise) thing and picks up another extension, cutting in to tell the girls to stop talking about who needs a bra already or whatever, and get on their homework.
Haley’s still being a bitch, and when Claudia offers her help, she responds “not likely.” Which is true, because I wouldn’t want help from Claudia either, in any subject, no matter the grade level.
Claudia and Matt play Go Fish, and seriously, I adore Matt sometimes. He just seems like an all-around awesome kid. Haley finishes her homework, and bring it down for Claudia to see, along with a typed up assignment sheet showing that she completed everything assigned. Rather than bond over how homework does pretty much blow, Claudia tries to set a good example by saying that “it must be important.” Pfffft not really no. Also, Claudia reminds the reader that it’s better just to do your homework and get it done.
Let that sink in for a bit, and when you’re over your shock, we’ll move on.
So Haley gets back on the phone with her gal pal Vanessa, and Claudia and Matt watch some show on TV. Claudia notes that the Braddocks have closed captioning (did she not notice when she was there a few days ago?), and that sometimes it moves fast and is hard to follow. Even more fun is when there’s a live program, and the captioner screws up. Yeah, I used to turn on live tv with CC just to watch that.
Haley’s bitchin’ to Vanessa about Claudia, calling her the traitor and the little tattletale, and making it seem more like Claudia’s a homework dictator, rather than Haley’s parents. Claudia’s all hurt by this, which is kind of stupid. Rebellious phase, Kishi. You know you had one too. Move along. Also, somehow despite the Braddocks being new clients in book 16, and the Pikes being established as having been baby-sat before the BSC formed, Claudia’s known Haley just as long as Vanessa. Uh-huh, right. I guess with the time loop, it HAS been years and years.
Because she’s SOOOO mature, she’s totally hurt by what this nine-year-old is saying about her. Get over it, Claudia. Claudia even ADMITS that she knows Haley’s just frustrated with school, and blaming her instead of looking for the root of the problem. Also, like a boss Claudia decides to just ignore the problem, because it’ll probably go away on its own. Hahahahaha.
Mrs. Braddock gets home, and Haley tries to make Claudia look bad by makin’ shit up about what she said and did. Of course, Mrs. Braddock isn’t an idiot, and believes Claudia over her compulsive liar of a daughter. Claudia’s shocked, Mr. Braddock drives her home. She’s all “thank god I’m away from that brat” about it.
The BSC, guys. SO MATURE.
The next day, the Cult is all together at lunch. Now that Mal’s gone, does Jessi have to sit all alone at the BSC Junior Member Table? Or is she allowed to have OUTSIDE FRIENDS? I guess as long as they don’t chew gum, right, Wendy?
Kristy gets paranoid that her Cult will lose the majority market on child rearing in Stoneybrook if all the girls they sit for start lying about them. Blah blah blah omg the BSC will fail! Uh-huh. We know it won’t happen for another few books, let’s move on.
Claudia’s hanging out with Josh after school that day, and unable to think of ANYTHING else to talk about, she spills the Haley story to him. He isn’t his usual commenting self about it, so she wonders if a body-snatcher got him. I think I foreshadowed my own snark. Am I so in love with Suzanne Weyn that I can read her mind? Or are the books just that transparent?
So Claudia’s all freaked out because Josh just doesn’t seem like Josh. Middle. School. “Dating.” They go to the park and watch kites fly and plan to make a kite together soon. This is such a snooze-fest. You know what’s more boring than just sitting around not talking to someone? Reading about it.
So Josh asks if she thinks things are working out between them, Claudia says yes immediately, then feels like she lied. She gets all stressed about it because she wants to be in love with him, but what if she isn’t, guys?
WHAT IF SHE ISN’T?
...No, really, I can’t care about some young teen “romance” falling on hard times. I just can’t.
Abby brings us into the next chapter with a notebook entry where she admits Kristy was right-complete with an “ouch.” Oh Abby. Stay defiant.
In possibly the funniest moment ever, Haley is convincing the other girls on the GSBA team that the baby-sitters tell their parents everything. We’ll take a short break while you recover from your laughter.
Suzanne rips a fresh wound into my heart by letting Karen talk, but it’s a shallow wound, as Karen doesn’t talk like her typical annoying self.
Sick of hearing a bratty nine-year-old trash talk her and The Best Friends You’ll Ever Have (TM), Abby steps up and is all “WHATCHOO SAY BITCH?!” Haley pretends she was talking about a TV show, but guilty faces totally give it away.
Abby tells Kristy what’s up now, and Kristy points out evidence to the contrary-patching up a fight between Norman and Sara Hill (she called him fat so he tripped her. I bet by ‘patching up’ Kristy means punishing the fat kid and kissing the skinny kid’s boo-boo better. Ugh, BSC) and not telling their parents. Yeah, but that was last week, Kristy. The kids have forgotten by now.
Haley gets called for traveling and backtalks. Kristy says that talking back during a game will get her sidelined. I give Kristy some points here for that-it’s an effective and true threat, presented in a calm manner. Also, when Haley keeps running her mouth, Kristy has to just walk away before she loses it.
SO MATURE GAIZ.
Despite being in the BSC, Kristy mentions talking to Mrs. Braddock about Haley’s lying. Haha. Don’t make me laugh.
Of course, some of the girls, Haley among them, overhear this comment. Abby notices, and Kristy turns to the girls, only for them to run away. Abby makes me smile again, with this exchange:
”Oh great, now they’re afraid of me.”
Abby laughed. “That’s nothing. I’m afraid of you sometimes.”
Never change, Abby. Never change.
After that Abby’s got a sitting job for the Rowdowsky’s. There’s not a single mention of Jackie being clumsy. Suzanne and I are on again.
However, while Abby changes into a dry sweater (since she got caught in the rain on the way to the job), Jackie and Shae go up to their rooms. She asks Archie what the hell is up with that, and he says that they heard she’s a spy. When she asks why he isn’t hiding too, he says that he wants to spy with her. Aw.
So Archie gets to spying on his neighbor, while Abby is kind of shocked that the boys think she’s a spy. She decides to go upstairs and see what the other boys are up to, starting with Shae.
Partway into her conversation with Shae, Jackie Strikes, falling onto the floor when his door swings open from leaning on it. My god, baby-sitting chapters are boring. Let’s skip ahead.
Shae’s painting a model airplane for school, which he’s not supposed to do in his room. Abby suggests he work in the garage instead. Chapter ends without conflict. Hooray.
Chapters 9-15 to come sometime in the future!