🎶Oh, when I'm lonely and when I come undone; Remember what you told me, "Life's like a waterfall"🎶
Amani Albair said, "When people allow you to know about their pain and talk about it, take your shoes off. It’s a holy place. Be humble, be kind when someone shows you vulnerability."
When I spoke of my friend Paul Marene, I had been hoping to merely let others know what made me feel out of sorts, what the toxin was that was in my spirit and why I always seemed so exhausted. But I never realized how much it was still affecting the others, deep down, that so many of them couldn't pinpoint. It was one of those floodgate moments that makes one understand that their words have such deep power when finally spoken. And as has been discussed among the Suns and Sunflowers, things I've said to them individually, or their own thoughts on the matter based off their personal experiences and understanding of life, the mind, health and well-being, psychology and human condition, even social aspects that have been bandied about, it was far too great a weight for children to have to bear, or even take responsibility for, and yet the society we lived in - that we live in today - pushes shit that is far less worse on the kids that those dear precious souls should NEVER have to deal with... they're not equipped to handle it, and aren't anywhere close to being ready... even adults would have trouble with such things.
🎶You know, sometimes I'm caught up in my head
I'm tryna make the best of the lows and the highs
But it's hard sometimes when you're scared to take a step
You're fightin' with the waves, so afraid of the tide🎶
Joy was exactly right, we all lose with trying to shift blame onto one another, and we know that. Those that lead the local section of the "parent organization" of the Keen Suns, mặt trời sắc sảo, couldn't even be held responsible for something they were never told of. We were all at fault, because they had given us so much free reign, and some were absolute bastard hard asses while others were incredibly lenient in how they treated us. Tua made an incredibly hard decision that I don't doubt was influenced by his upbringing by a total fucking elitist self-centered prick.
And we, being kids, were unsure of what to say or do but didn't want our trusted friend to get into trouble, especially when we were all terrified of cops and other uniformed authority figures due to social customs and the era that we were living in. They scared our elders, and thus we were scared of them too. So, we did what we each felt was best but knew - deep down - was wrong. A child, someone we thought of as a friend and brother, killed another child that many of us felt the same care for, coldly and without remorse, rather than face the consequences of his actions, all because of that one little issue of dividing our fellow human beings by fear of other ethnicity and imaginary lines on a map - a fucking piece of paper with a drawing on it - instead of realizing that we can't own the land, we must exist with it, just as Aha was trying to teach ALL the kids, not just those in our neighborhood but all around town.
🎶I know the only way to get along
Is goin' with the flow 'cause life's like a waterfall🎶
Yes, I'm disappointed, I'm frustrated and hurting, I'm FUCKING ANGRY!!! And I know that I will be, possibly for the rest of my lifetime; not only with myself and the others I know and love, but at society that continues to fail us again and again and has since most of us were just little kids. But I'm also letting those tears fall like a waterfall, to wash all of those dark feelings out of me. I've cried for years, silently. And I'm going to utilize those hard, harsh lessons in as graceful and beautiful a way as Deonne, my grandfathers, Tae, Wei, Jonah, my Angel, my Damselfly, Soul Mom, Valismus, Valestra, Aaron, Joy, Dyranne, Aranya, Damynka and others have all taught and are teaching me in just as gentle a way. Those are the ones who have lit my path, and continue to do so, not just Sunflowers that absorb and emit a radiance that I offer, but are bejeweled stars in my sky, too.
Leenie said it best, offering a quote she recalled from her studies in college from someone she liked:
"Pain isn't something you choose, it just comes and folds you, pushes you into someone you don't even recognize. You change, not because you want to, but because it's all you have left. You learn to carry what breaks you, to walk with the open wound because there is no other choice. And you keep going, despite everything, because in the end, all that's left is that: keep going, even if the weight drags you down. " ~Francisco J. Zárate
She noted that she's been thinking a lot about it since speaking with me privately; and with the revelation I made about our secret, she now understands the reason we're all saying we're tired. She stressed that we need to let go of that weight we had all carried since we were kids, that we never should have ever done so to begin with. She didn't understand why we had been quiet, especially with so many of us having misgivings and conflicted feelings for so long, that just made us all emotional, even physically ill, people who she found herself drawing further away from instead of remaining close to and loving as deeply as she had when she was just a little girl.
I'm not silent anymore, and I won't be silenced either; I'm using that flow of emotion to strip away the abrasive, hellish smoke-laden taint of keeping a murderer's and a liar's secret for so long. Tua is where he belongs, where he can finally get the help that he needs. May he finally purge that fucker's influence in his life once and for all. May Paul's spirit find some relief, may Troy's know forgiveness, and may Pahjun's be given substantial correction for the wrongs he did to children that should have been under his care and protection instead of attempting to break their spirits as a way to force them to follow archaic traditions that were torturous and should have been abandoned more than 2 centuries before they were visited upon us. May the Divine bless and keep all who have passed, and those of us still here to perform our tasks on this world of mixed-up, very fallible human beings.
I'm as fucking tired as my fellow Suns and Sunflowers are. But now I know what to tell them. My hope is that they will let the warmth and radiance seep deeply into their souls to help rip out the old, dead roots, loosen up the soil and allow the roots and shoots to breathe and get the nutrients needed so they can grow and blossom into full, beautiful bloom that lifts themselves, one another and others out in the wide world again. Let the tears flow, like a waterfall, and wash away all the anger, anguish, fear, frustration and pain, so that you can grow again. And when you find someone that brings you light, welcome them with blessings, grace, joy and thanks; what they bring you will be so much more than you can ever expect or hope for. Blessed are the light-bringers, for they heal and rejuvenate the soul.