(no subject)
I snipped my first long, graceful shoots of chives of the season this morning. A couple of eggs have never tasted so good!
I have been eyeballing the chives for the last week, trying to judge when they'd be ready for use... Mmmm, I love chives.
I have been thinking about yesterday's conversation with mum... After the whole "You gave me bad directions, and I spent hours trying to find my way here" crabbiness (of all people, she should know that even if I get directions off the internet, something bizarre is bound to occur), after she calmed down a bit, were able to sit in the rotunda at the MIA and talk.
For those of you just tuning in, I haven't seen my mum for about 5 months; when I last spoke to her in person, our words were very bitter. We have a lot of communication issues. Sometimes we get along, other times not so much.
Anyway. We talked about how people aren't "real." That is, how it sometimes seems that more and more people use everyday "polite conversation" -- all of the time. Folks are seemingly more centered on themselves. It seem that very few folks want to truly hear what's real, most especially if it's not pleasant. As in "No, I'm not OK, this morning I was so depressed that I wanted to kill myself," or "I really just need to be comforted right now, because I'm having a hard time adjusting," whatever the situation is. Hell's Bells, there are some Folks who'd rather stick carrots up their butts than to hear the word "cancer."
I mean, you don't necessarily go about telling this sort of thing to strangers (although I have, just to see what the responses would be), but there should be somebody... somebody that you can tell these things to. Yes?? Without having them run to the nearest clinic to bring you a straight jacket. Without uncomfortably shifting away with eyes or body.
What I was also wondering, though, was: do we expect to have our listener solve our issues-- or just listen? Sometimes the question is not to obtain the answer, it is the relief of the burden... and to put a damper on the fricking despair, loneliness & loss of self-worth. Or simply to have someone else acknowledge that we're feeling a bit off. Or that it's happened to them. Or, or, whatever I was trying to say. Losing my train of thought (I've actually been coming and going for the past hour, & am still trying to finish this)...
Hmmmf. We don't need to be loved, acknowledged or validated-- my ass! Yes, we do. In very subtle ways, if nothing else.
Oh, yes. I was going to say... Mum told me something yesterday-- she's told it to me before many times, but I've mostly just ignored her-- and what she said finally clicked. I was so horrified, I wanted to dash away, and I almost did. Then I reminded myself sternly that I was an adult, and could deal. Well, so I can listen-- but not deal, yet.
She told me... that I have one of the most paradoxical natures she has come across. That I have an extreme core of self-hatred which is wrapped so tightly with... hmm, an equally extreme blanket of denial of that self-hatred. She said more, and I will go into that at a later time... but I thought to myself, "I do? Really??" Then I thought to myself, "Perhaps this is why I can understand other people's pain so well..."
Damn, I have more to think about/say, but I just received an unexpected call, and I need to go.
Back later....
Cheers & All