Further Ramblings of May 11th
Well, that was a doofus previous post. WHY do I blog in the morning, when I'm clearly not quite running on all cylinders? *le sigh* I didn't even title the damned thing. Oh well, small potatoes.
What was I going to say? Ahh, that when mum was saying those things, that I wanted to dash away, but didn't... What she said-- I believe is true. I imagine that not many people are OK with being called a winky doodle that folks would rather not associate with, because the person tends to be negative & down. However, with truth comes a number of facets of clarity, along with sub-truths. Does that make any sense? Probably not. I;m just rambling, anyway. Gah. But with that truth comes another truth: that there is also a very real, very genuine part of me that is easily amused, easily pleased, so easily suffused with joy. Being happy with life in general requires such small things, for me. At least, that is what I have always claimed. *pulls face*
I am also aware that these little things may not boost my spirits & sense of well-being for as long as other people expect them to. Hmmf. The Ex accused me of that, quite frequently (along with being selfish-- which I admittedly am, but not about everything).
Well, but... if you think of me as a whole, I am a whirling dervish, of a sort. Energy rushing this way and that, with a core that's moving, too. If I strap on my armor & raise my longsword in defense-- it takes a lot of energy to be who I am, but not necessarily in a negative way. Therefore, it would make sense that I would need just a little bit more of the little things that bring me joy. If a person is a core of self-hate, but it can be altered at least temporarily by mood-altering things that are positive-- why not?
Call it another form of denial if you will, but that happiness... perhaps keeps me from concentrating on other things. What things? Things. Gawd, my brain hurts... the gerbils are wheezing. Aaack!
And I am soooo not making any sense. But I'm going to leave this post unlocked, anyway. I am struggling. If I have this core of self-hate, how do I change it after 36 years of feeding the fire? How do I fix it? Hell's Bells, how do I even go about examining it? Urk. And do I really feel like I have so few gifts to offer others? Perhaps I unconsciously do. There are precious few who I feel can accept me for who I am. Rants, raves, tangents, warp-speed babbling, eccentric spiritual practices, erratic thought-processes & all.
What I don't get is what I've complained/wondered about before-- the whole "even this type and this type of people are liked by others-- WTF is wrong with me?" Mmmf.
AH HAH HAH HAHA.... Sorry, that was so classic. I grunted in response to re-reading my own post just now, and Weasel grunted back at me, farted loudly, then scrambled to his feet & ran away. Oh, my gawd. *wipes eyes* Oh, the tears of laughter. You see? Just the little bit.
Well, blargh. Maybe I'm just super crazy nuts, and this is all just a bunch of pointless not-even-philosophic blather, anyway. It's not like no one else has ever questioned the Meaning of (Wo) Man. Noooo, never. They did it so much more eloquently...
Pfft. Fine, I'm going to have some more coffee, then get ready for work. Because my whirly eyes could use some more caffeine... it's a bizarre energy day, and I can feel my little surfboard self try to ride the waves, already.
Cheers & All