sometimes I wonder...
I know, I've been talking about this a lot but it's kinda the thing that's going on in my life right now... other than my job. Oh, did I mention my job? Yeah, I got a new job... I work at a hotel now. But more about that later.
This guy, his nickname is Mr. Fantastic... he's really fantastic. But he scares me. There are so many similarities to "what's his face" that disappeared from my life after the car accident that sometimes I wonder if I'm getting in over my head. I love him. Not like my usual "I think I could love him eventually" but an actual, right now, in this moment, I love him. I didn't feel that with "what's-his-face" but I did feel like it was something more than just liking him.
And the reason I bring up "What's-his-face" and this whole love situation is because last night, we had a 'fight'. Again, it wasn't a real fight... it was a situation, rather. Long story short, he had planned the day to spend together and cooked for me (did I mention he's a professional chef?) and he was excited to do all of this with me but I was sick and ended up not really spending the time with him, next to him, paying attention to him and instead sat in front of the fire trying to keep warm, or in the bathroom feeling sick. He felt hurt and ignored but didn't blame me. He was upset and kinda stewed in his emotions until he just gathered his things after finishing cooking and said he was leaving.
This was out of nowhere to me. And it was a flash to a scenario I'd been in before. My immediate response was to cry. I started to hang on to him and apologized for whatever it was that I did wrong. Somehow, at the end of it, we were both crying and both apologizing and it turns out that we missed the mark in our usual over-communication. But the fact that I like him this much to drive me to do stupid things makes me scared. And the fact that he has this power over me is terrifying. I don't know that it's a good thing. He says he loves me back. I believe him. He promises not to disappear the way "what's-his-face" did and that he'd never treat me like that (even if this were to not work out). But part of me wants not to believe it... because if I do, then I'm really just opening myself up to be hurt even more. And that's a terrifying thought.
We move fast. It feels right but then, the time-line doesn't match up. It's hard to explain that we feel this about each other so fast. We both wish we could fast forward the time so that things would make more sense. As he held me in his arms while I cried he smiled and kissed me and told me he had a thought the moment I crumpled into him... that this would be the first time he held his wife as she cried. The idea made my heart skip a beat, not out of fear, but out of joy. And this scares me.
I love him. I recently changed my status on facebook... if it's not on facebook, it's not official, right? Well, I asked him last night what we should do. His said single, mine said nothing. I told him he didn't have to change it for me... it wasn't important, I just wondered. He changed it immediately. I think I'll still wait before 'tagging' him as the one I'm in a relationship with... just because our break-ups are still recent, I suppose. But I want to tell the whole world who it is that makes me happy. I want to share it with everyone. I feel like I am overflowing in the joy he gives to me and I just want everyone to partake.
And then I remember... it's only been 3 weeks. Is this right? Am I getting carried away? Even though we're on the same page and we both feel the same about each other, something just has to be off, right? It can't be this great for real. Stuff like this doesn't exist. But sometimes I wonder...
This guy, his nickname is Mr. Fantastic... he's really fantastic. But he scares me. There are so many similarities to "what's his face" that disappeared from my life after the car accident that sometimes I wonder if I'm getting in over my head. I love him. Not like my usual "I think I could love him eventually" but an actual, right now, in this moment, I love him. I didn't feel that with "what's-his-face" but I did feel like it was something more than just liking him.
And the reason I bring up "What's-his-face" and this whole love situation is because last night, we had a 'fight'. Again, it wasn't a real fight... it was a situation, rather. Long story short, he had planned the day to spend together and cooked for me (did I mention he's a professional chef?) and he was excited to do all of this with me but I was sick and ended up not really spending the time with him, next to him, paying attention to him and instead sat in front of the fire trying to keep warm, or in the bathroom feeling sick. He felt hurt and ignored but didn't blame me. He was upset and kinda stewed in his emotions until he just gathered his things after finishing cooking and said he was leaving.
This was out of nowhere to me. And it was a flash to a scenario I'd been in before. My immediate response was to cry. I started to hang on to him and apologized for whatever it was that I did wrong. Somehow, at the end of it, we were both crying and both apologizing and it turns out that we missed the mark in our usual over-communication. But the fact that I like him this much to drive me to do stupid things makes me scared. And the fact that he has this power over me is terrifying. I don't know that it's a good thing. He says he loves me back. I believe him. He promises not to disappear the way "what's-his-face" did and that he'd never treat me like that (even if this were to not work out). But part of me wants not to believe it... because if I do, then I'm really just opening myself up to be hurt even more. And that's a terrifying thought.
We move fast. It feels right but then, the time-line doesn't match up. It's hard to explain that we feel this about each other so fast. We both wish we could fast forward the time so that things would make more sense. As he held me in his arms while I cried he smiled and kissed me and told me he had a thought the moment I crumpled into him... that this would be the first time he held his wife as she cried. The idea made my heart skip a beat, not out of fear, but out of joy. And this scares me.
I love him. I recently changed my status on facebook... if it's not on facebook, it's not official, right? Well, I asked him last night what we should do. His said single, mine said nothing. I told him he didn't have to change it for me... it wasn't important, I just wondered. He changed it immediately. I think I'll still wait before 'tagging' him as the one I'm in a relationship with... just because our break-ups are still recent, I suppose. But I want to tell the whole world who it is that makes me happy. I want to share it with everyone. I feel like I am overflowing in the joy he gives to me and I just want everyone to partake.
And then I remember... it's only been 3 weeks. Is this right? Am I getting carried away? Even though we're on the same page and we both feel the same about each other, something just has to be off, right? It can't be this great for real. Stuff like this doesn't exist. But sometimes I wonder...