disinterest abounds
and once again i disappear for months on end.
the cycle's coming back strong just in time to go off to college again, i can only hope it will not break me. i haven't paid enough attention to those that matter and pay far too much to those that dont. things seem easier because i continually feel less and less, i know ive said that before but the levels of apathy continue to stagger me. it used to be that the reactions didn't much matter; now theyre not even elicited any more. i have recurring dreams of being shot in the head. i've lived each day as if it were my last and now i am left wanting, realizing that they werent my last, each day fading further into the past, but always feeling a doubt that today is somehow different. i feel that i cannot live, think, or feel as strongly as i once had because i believe it will be cut down just when it matters to me most.
i am, in a word, lonely. not lonely like "why wont the pretty girl go out with me" or lonely like "i wish i had more friends", but lonely as it's meant. lonely as in i go to sleep alone, wake up alone, and in general live alone. my distaste for others and even for what i do in order to keep up appearances stops me from feeling anything for anyone, in some backwards attempt to keep them from being false feelings. lonely as in i may never feel whole again.
there is a chasm in my heart where i have seen the brightest flames of passion, of a lust for life, a rage against the cold empty universe pledging that i may be beaten but my cries will be heard across the void. i am far too attached to what has fit there, what has stoked this flame, and how it will never be. i am an old, beaten man, picking my way along to best avoid it getting worse. this world is not for me, though it will continue without me as it has for every other mortal. i do not expect any less.
i do wish i didn't know it, though. or perhaps that i could be proven wrong.
the cycle's coming back strong just in time to go off to college again, i can only hope it will not break me. i haven't paid enough attention to those that matter and pay far too much to those that dont. things seem easier because i continually feel less and less, i know ive said that before but the levels of apathy continue to stagger me. it used to be that the reactions didn't much matter; now theyre not even elicited any more. i have recurring dreams of being shot in the head. i've lived each day as if it were my last and now i am left wanting, realizing that they werent my last, each day fading further into the past, but always feeling a doubt that today is somehow different. i feel that i cannot live, think, or feel as strongly as i once had because i believe it will be cut down just when it matters to me most.
i am, in a word, lonely. not lonely like "why wont the pretty girl go out with me" or lonely like "i wish i had more friends", but lonely as it's meant. lonely as in i go to sleep alone, wake up alone, and in general live alone. my distaste for others and even for what i do in order to keep up appearances stops me from feeling anything for anyone, in some backwards attempt to keep them from being false feelings. lonely as in i may never feel whole again.
there is a chasm in my heart where i have seen the brightest flames of passion, of a lust for life, a rage against the cold empty universe pledging that i may be beaten but my cries will be heard across the void. i am far too attached to what has fit there, what has stoked this flame, and how it will never be. i am an old, beaten man, picking my way along to best avoid it getting worse. this world is not for me, though it will continue without me as it has for every other mortal. i do not expect any less.
i do wish i didn't know it, though. or perhaps that i could be proven wrong.