news from the front
so i'm at uconn.
the floor shows promise; a good number of them seem to know each other and are fortunately some of the most enjoyable people ive found so far; i am aware that it's only been two days and i haven't gotten out much, but its a start nonetheless. There are almost too many people who all went to the same high school, and probably the same grade school too... everyone knows someone but a lot of the times it will just lead in circles. The general atmosphere of how people act is off-putting; people doing things for the same old, ridiculous reasons that i hated when i was 14 and haven't ever stopped. There's no new comeraderie really, just groups of people who know each other and scorn the non-abercrombie cutouts theyve spent their lives with.
i can do this this time, even if i can't.
the same old feeling's back, but i know it. it never left. i don't write much because its always the same story, shrunken down to the lines that sum it up best. i'm too old to find something to live for, and too young to find something to die for. it's like i watched someone pull a trigger years ago and am living this lifetime in the split second before the bullet hits. there's no escape, no refuge, no stopping it. but when things become inevitable it's hard for me to keep caring, wasting what time i have in disbelief of what lies in store. the emptiness echoes through my head and i walk, walk until the night takes me for the last time. it's just a numb, clock-stopping wait for... something; anything to happen, but i don't have a clue what that is.
i estimate 13 weeks before winter; only 13 of each day, each class, each week to cycle through the motions of apathy, depression, and the brief periods where i'm actually too busy to notice. i dont know what i do anything for. i feel like i'm dead. but i know i'm not, and pace through each day to see when it will be over. i'm limited by my body and mortality, destined just like everyone else to fade away. i wish it'd get itself over with so i'm not just waiting. prolonging things just makes me feel like i've failed even more thoroughly, because if i hadn't spent any time doing anything then i wouldn't be upset by how halfassed it always is.
so i wait.
and wait.
for nothing.
the floor shows promise; a good number of them seem to know each other and are fortunately some of the most enjoyable people ive found so far; i am aware that it's only been two days and i haven't gotten out much, but its a start nonetheless. There are almost too many people who all went to the same high school, and probably the same grade school too... everyone knows someone but a lot of the times it will just lead in circles. The general atmosphere of how people act is off-putting; people doing things for the same old, ridiculous reasons that i hated when i was 14 and haven't ever stopped. There's no new comeraderie really, just groups of people who know each other and scorn the non-abercrombie cutouts theyve spent their lives with.
i can do this this time, even if i can't.
the same old feeling's back, but i know it. it never left. i don't write much because its always the same story, shrunken down to the lines that sum it up best. i'm too old to find something to live for, and too young to find something to die for. it's like i watched someone pull a trigger years ago and am living this lifetime in the split second before the bullet hits. there's no escape, no refuge, no stopping it. but when things become inevitable it's hard for me to keep caring, wasting what time i have in disbelief of what lies in store. the emptiness echoes through my head and i walk, walk until the night takes me for the last time. it's just a numb, clock-stopping wait for... something; anything to happen, but i don't have a clue what that is.
i estimate 13 weeks before winter; only 13 of each day, each class, each week to cycle through the motions of apathy, depression, and the brief periods where i'm actually too busy to notice. i dont know what i do anything for. i feel like i'm dead. but i know i'm not, and pace through each day to see when it will be over. i'm limited by my body and mortality, destined just like everyone else to fade away. i wish it'd get itself over with so i'm not just waiting. prolonging things just makes me feel like i've failed even more thoroughly, because if i hadn't spent any time doing anything then i wouldn't be upset by how halfassed it always is.
so i wait.
and wait.
for nothing.