Emotion...
Its weird I shouldnt feel badly because things are going better than ever... I have a job thats paying me a really good salary... I'm making new friends... School is going well as can be expected with such a heavy course load.... But I cant help but feel kind of lonely... With my boyfriend all the way at Pen State I'm forced to try and be loyal to him but when we dont talk on the phone or the computer much more than maybe once a week I cant help but feel like I should just try to find someone else to date. Unfortunately any likely person I want to date isnt interested in me or has a girlfriend right now. I feel dumb but its times like these that make me feel so unattractive and undesirable. I know I'm a nice, intelligent, fun-loving and pretty girl but for some reason my tomboyish ways and my blunt honesty seems to drive more men into the friend category than the dating one. I know that I cant have too many friends but it makes me wonder what about me is so unlovable? I guess I havent reached that state where I love myself enough to be confident in myself no matter what... I also feel really shallow because I find myself thinking that I'm lowering my standards to date my current boyfriend... He isnt the best looking feature wise but he is in better shape than any guy I've dated before he's not too thin not fat and he's got nice muscle but then his face isnt that attractive... I do care about him because he's very sweet and when we get down to it I really enjoy myself but I cant help but have these thoughts crop up.... Also he's a bit socially awkward... He acts more feminine than I or most girls I know do and he seems to be only comfortable talking about things he likes which is anime, dnd and other gaming things. I dont mind talking about those things because I like them but I guess I want someone more versatile that I feel like he can get along with my friends and have fun doing just about anything... I think if I give him the opportunity he will pleasently surprise me but he's gone for another close to 4 months... I dont know if I have the staying power to just wait around when he and I only have been dating a month before he left...And with my good friends gone I cant help but feel lonely... Getting to know new people is fun but when its confined to places like school and work and occassionally hanging out it makes me feel lonesome... I enjoy having friends that I can spend time with and its effortless... I'm pretty selfish that way...