My Difficult Day

[black_cat_1980]

Well, today has been a little icky. I'm wondering whether it's because I've been having several light nights lately and had a restless night on Sunday. The icky feeling started fine until I watched the Armistice Day at the Cenotaph on the television. I've not needed to cry for some time now but had to at this point. I was very emotional watching

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[black_cat_1980]

I must admit I have a memory like a sieve. I don't remember someone saying that I was "obviously" female. Thanks for not saying anything because to be honest it wouldn't have helped. I have issues with people assuming what gender I am by the way I act or what I say sometimes. Do you know what I mean? On the other hand I realise people tend to need to gender people, and so I give state I'm genderqueer.

If this person had said I looked female from my photo then that is different for me. Maybe I'm contradicting myself with the last sentence. I do appreciate people feeling I look cisfemale. It mainly goes to confirm that they don't see me as male, which is the underlying issue for me.

I have been struggling with labels for some time now. I dislike how a label usually brings a set of assumptions with them. I know that my issue with labels is not useful but I believe it's part of my transitional process. I'm sure things will eventually change for me and labels and assumptions won't be so much of an issue for me.

Genderqueer feels like a label that people don't seem to have a stong set of assumptions, and therefore I feel more free. It's description seems relatively unknown in online chat so people don't seem to have a set of assumptions. To me it's almost like an opting out clause (if that's the right way to describe it).

I also struggle with anything that might confirm my status as trans female. I won't hide the fact that I'm still terrified of that notion. This in turn leads to aversion to my feelings because they aligned with some trans females. It's not a helpful process that I've started with this.

Maybe it will take 1 year, or 10 years to relax more. I do think that I will relax more when my feelings are confirmed by solid evidence that I find in transition. It sometimes feels like I could even live as female for many years without stating I'm female until, bang, one day I might be ready. Maybe that day might never come but who knows? I try not speculate about it too much. Using the term genderqueer also is mainly a choice on my behalf and I bet that may sound unusual.