My Difficult Day
Well, today has been a little icky. I'm wondering whether it's because I've been having several light nights lately and had a restless night on Sunday. The icky feeling started fine until I watched the Armistice Day at the Cenotaph on the television. I've not needed to cry for some time now but had to at this point. I was very emotional watching the three World War 1 veterans place their poppy wreathes. I then imagined in my mind the suffering that people like these men had experienced, and all in the name of war. I watched the television for several minutes and then couldn't watch it anymore. I went over to the dining room where the cat was lying and stroked her. I listened to the television from where I sat and tried to stop myself crying. I felt the tears flowing despite myself trying so hard to stop them. I think it was more than the Armistice Day that made me cry. Every time something stirs my emotions like this it opens up other sadnesses and sorrows. I'm not sure why this happens but it is often an occurrence. It was so relaxing to stroke the cat and I tried to show her how much I loved her by being as kind and gentle as I could. When the television programme was over I decided to go upstairs to my bedroom. I felt overwhelmed and exhausted by only the previous twenty minutes or so. I walked past my mom as I went upstairs and saw that she hadn't been crying and this made me feel embarrassed. She didn't notice I'd been crying. I became paranoid at that time that if she saw me crying she would think it was unusual. I know she would understand but I was paranoid because I everyone says that HRT causes people to become emotional and I did not want to make my mom suspect I was on HRT. I accompanied my mom to town as she had some business to and we planned to go for a walk at the castle. I was upset because I found myself in a bad mood in a new vintage clothes shop we went into. I wasn't in the mood to look in the shop but she saw some leather jackets like the type I want. She then proceeded to talk to the owner about what sizes he had. I didn't like my mom speaking for me though she has only rarely done this. I was too tired to come into the conversation about the jackets and felt frustrated with that. I know I'm fiercely stubborn and independent sometimes and when I'm unable to be like that I get frustrated. I told my mom what was wrong and that I had given up on the idea of getting a new jacket because I am so short of money. She proceeded to offer to buy me one for Christmas and helping her around the house this year. I said I had to think about it and told her that I was not feeling so good because I was tired. Nothing more was said and I hope she took this as an apologised for acting strangely previously. As I'm writing this I'm exhausted and hoping to take an early night. I know though how difficult it is to motivate oneself to sleep early after several late nights. I used Internet Relay Chat when I came from town and found myself in a strange mood once again. Although completely unrelated, I watched a conversation with someone who was claiming to be fourteen years old, Trans and needed to transition. I believe that alongside my tiredness and emotional instability today this set my mind slightly off keel. Something that's been on my mind for some time started to affect me. Describing this seems very difficult but I will try. I am struggling with conflicting feelings quite badly at the moment. I have periods of time when I hold onto my current position quite strongly. I believe at these times that I will be able to build upon these thoughts for the future. I have been finding it comforting and useful using the term genderqueer to try tell people who I am (especially online). The trouble is I have other feelings that seem to conflict with the comfort of genderqueer. One might describe these feelings as transsexual feelings (a word I can 100 % still not deal with). I think I find this the most scariest word in the English language. It's times like today, when I'm emotionally drained and tired that I find it hard to deal with such transsexual feelings. I need to write down as well that I am also finding it difficult interacting with trans females. I wouldn't, however, consider this a negative occurrence. The problem seems to be that I am finding it difficult hearing, reading and finding strong similarities between my own feelings and trans females. It scares me because I am trying to formulate my own transition on the lines of exploration, and a blank canvas. Even seeing these similarities causes conflict in me, which then leads me to even try blot out or rubbish my own feelings. When I'm trying to do this (of course pretty unsuccessfully) it causes a no end of problems. I need to find a way to stay like an unwritten book during my transition whilst still acknowledging there are many similarities between me and trans females. I wish I knew a way to achieve this. I always want to stand aside from trans females and partition myself away. There are feelings and thoughts I have that I don't hear from the mouths and fingers of many trans females, especially online, and so I separate myself. I know there are trans females out there that would describe themselves the way I do down to a T but this is not consolidation for me at the moment. The whole female thing is rattling around in my head and mentally I don't want it there to be honest. Many times the female thing wins and I'm taken by angst. Other times I stand stable able to work on many other aspects of who I am, and the female thing rattling away is muffled. I can't hide away from the trans female online community just to neatly fold away my own feelings because that would be detrimental to me. I am lost for anything more to write now in this journal entry. As I know that several people might be reading this I am sorry if you don't quite understand what I am describing. None of my words said are supposed to be negative towards anybody. I always appreciate comments from friends and individuals. I do not not think that asking people to stop talking to me would be helpful at all just because their own words may correspond to mine, much to my own fear. I am just having a little bit of a difficult time today and needed to write to my journal.
