Oestrogen Issues, Body Dysmorphia, Dysphoria, Gender Expression
Ok, so I have to admit to myself that I have issues at the moment. I will try get these down in writing as to document them and put them into a better order. I have many thoughts during the day and not always enough order with them so it makes it hard to work with them.
I was going to film a clip for youtube but I decided against it for a few reasons. Firstly, I couldn't do it because I hate the sound of my voice. I hate how it is deep and sounds like a male voice. Secondly, I find it too difficult to think on the spot and articulate my thoughts. I end up having a pause and then swear at the camera.
So, it seems writing is my best medium at the moment and I love it. I love the words flowing from my fingers. I love the sound of the genderless voice in my head.
I am now going to try describe some of my issues here so I can make more sense of them. My first issue is with hormones. I am currently having issues with the oestrogen part of my hormone regime. It does not, however, seem like a simple issue.
I have begun to experience body dysmorphia again. I say again because I know I experienced this before. I experienced this body dysmorphia pretty severely before I started taking oestrogens. I also am experiencing feelings of being disassociated from my body.
This issue seems difficult to solve and I'm unable to think of a solution. I thought about stop taking oestrogen completely but this mean I would have to stop taking anti-androgens at the same time. I've been told that having no sex hormones in my body will cause a no end of physical and mental health problems.
I have found that blocking my testosterone receptors and taking oestrogen have improved my mental well being. It has, however, in recent months caused physical issues for me. I went to the Gender Specialist Consultant with the view of halving my oestrogen levels purely for the reason I was feminising too quick for me. I felt one aspect of the physical changes would affectively out me as Trans.
I felt it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide my breast growth. This has caused such an issue that I often dislike my breasts, which saddens me a little. They sometimes feel like they are there to prematurely out me as Trans when I don't want people to know yet. I realise only a few people know I have gender dysphoria but I feel these people are going to put two and two together before I even have time to think of a strategy of coming out. I don't want to lie about my breasts to people and pretend that they are moobs that I should hate.
I have some feeling that a few of my issues are the result of living in the closet. I've recently began to have desires to come out as a Trans and GenderQueer (female), but I am fighting them. I had worked out a plan to come out when I was not living at home. I didn't expect to feel this way now living at home. I feel the methods I've been using to keep myself in the closet are not helping me. It seems like every time the desire comes to go forward I put some brakes on and this jerks me back. I guess I could describe it as being in a play, pause, rewind, play, pause... situation.
I am also not feeling comfortable that I may appear physically ambiguous in public. This has been a bit confusing because I thought that I would be happy with an androgynous physical appearance. I seem to feel the need to be increasingly feminine in physical appearance. I often have moments when I can see masculine characteristics specifically in my face and that frustrates me.
I really think taking the testosterone blockers or oestrogen has allowed me to explore who I am as a person. I am very appreciative of this supposed affect. I also think therapy has done a lot to help me though. I might be wrong but I'm sure blocking my testosterone receptors and taking oestrogen has freed my mind. It could be the result of therapy but I feel as soon I as started the medications a lot of the distress was taken away. I sometimes feel foolish describing how this without any physical evidence. I often feel foolish describing and thinking how I feel I could sense the presence of testosterone. The only way I could describe it feeling like being possessed or under the influence of an harmful drug. I'm actually having trouble trying to remember this because I've not felt it for some time. I want to keep this memory alive though so I can describe it to people when they want to know about me.
With my thoughts of stopping oestrogen for the time being I have become very distressed with the idea of having to stop taking the testosterone blockers. I realised how distressed I have become by the types of thoughts I've been having in extreme times. I have felt the desire to physically castrating myself and that this would be the only answer. I am relieved, however, that I see how very dangerous this would be. Another more drastic answer that I have thought a few times was suicide. To be honest I've felt it best to mention this here because I feel it helps being open about it.
I have had several anxiety attacks about the prospects of having my testosterone return to its previous levels. I also had anxiety attacks about the subsequent affects that would have on my body. Another thing, I feared, maybe foolishly, was that if I let my testosterone return to its previous levels I would have no choice other to accept a life as a man. It would return my face and body back to a male shape and would numb my senses, feelings and emotions, and I would return back to survival and distress rather than growth (I am experiencing this now).
Lately I have been trying to work out more about myself and it has been quite difficult. I seem to be working with my gender expression involving my masculinity and femininity. I've been working through definitions in my head and came up with a few ideas. I worked out that for me masculinity and femininity is different to male and female. I hadn't distinguished the two before but now am looking at these definitions. I have found that there seems to be three aspects to the way I want to express myself in the world. I want to be able to freely express my masculinity, femininity and androgyny. These desires don't seem to be linked with a definition of male or female and the entity of male and female doesn't seem to work that well for me.
There is immense pressure from society to state whether one is male or female. I realise this is a physical statement yet I always take it as a statement of sense of self. There feels like a pressure when one desires to change one's sex to female, to also state that one also has a complete female sense of self. I feel this pressure exists a lot with transitioning people and there seems to be many conditions that one must satisfy to society.
I have this opinion (it might be mistaken) that society expects Trans people to justify their existence as female (or otherwise). It feels like if one is playing with societies rules one has to either justify their reasons, or change to another set of society's rules (even extreme rules). I have another opinion that society places a set of conditions upon people who want to change their birth gender. It feels like I will only be granted the right to be who I am if I abide by these conditions. These specifically feel like a male bodied Trans person has to polarise to the extreme female side of gender and femininity. I might be foolish thinking these things but it's what I currently believe and would like to learn things are different otherwise.
This aforementioned issue has built a block in my transition because I am preventing myself from moving forward in the fear people will exert these extreme rules upon me. Something becomes a rule for me when it's not part of who I am. I feel it would be right for me to find an existance where I can be more like myself. The main point of my transition was to come out of my shell in the first place.
I am adamant I don't want to be pigeonholed as a result of my transition because this will be a negative alongside the positives that could maybe create a neutral or even a detrimental affect overall. I think I will need a lot of confidence and mental strength to prevent this and this worries me.
Something positive has happened today that has helped my current state of mind. My Gender Counsellor drafted a letter to my GP explaining my situation and how it would important it is for me to be referred on the NHS for my continuing gender issues. I am so thankful to feel someone is on my side especially when I often don't have the emotional energy to push my agenda alone. I really hope that I will be referred to a gender clinic and they will be able to help me work out a way to help solve my gender issues.
This has become the most important journey in my life so far and I am damned if I am going to give up on it. I'm determined not to go back to the start and return to a state I used to belong in. Sometimes it feels so tempting to give up and return to the familiar and what I know; distress, suppression, hiding, pretending etc. Sometimes it gets too much and I lose the ability to take a breather from it all. I want this journey to be fun and I will try with all my might to find the answers as I go along. And I will try to preserve my energy and sanity along the way.
I was going to film a clip for youtube but I decided against it for a few reasons. Firstly, I couldn't do it because I hate the sound of my voice. I hate how it is deep and sounds like a male voice. Secondly, I find it too difficult to think on the spot and articulate my thoughts. I end up having a pause and then swear at the camera.
So, it seems writing is my best medium at the moment and I love it. I love the words flowing from my fingers. I love the sound of the genderless voice in my head.
I am now going to try describe some of my issues here so I can make more sense of them. My first issue is with hormones. I am currently having issues with the oestrogen part of my hormone regime. It does not, however, seem like a simple issue.
I have begun to experience body dysmorphia again. I say again because I know I experienced this before. I experienced this body dysmorphia pretty severely before I started taking oestrogens. I also am experiencing feelings of being disassociated from my body.
This issue seems difficult to solve and I'm unable to think of a solution. I thought about stop taking oestrogen completely but this mean I would have to stop taking anti-androgens at the same time. I've been told that having no sex hormones in my body will cause a no end of physical and mental health problems.
I have found that blocking my testosterone receptors and taking oestrogen have improved my mental well being. It has, however, in recent months caused physical issues for me. I went to the Gender Specialist Consultant with the view of halving my oestrogen levels purely for the reason I was feminising too quick for me. I felt one aspect of the physical changes would affectively out me as Trans.
I felt it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide my breast growth. This has caused such an issue that I often dislike my breasts, which saddens me a little. They sometimes feel like they are there to prematurely out me as Trans when I don't want people to know yet. I realise only a few people know I have gender dysphoria but I feel these people are going to put two and two together before I even have time to think of a strategy of coming out. I don't want to lie about my breasts to people and pretend that they are moobs that I should hate.
I have some feeling that a few of my issues are the result of living in the closet. I've recently began to have desires to come out as a Trans and GenderQueer (female), but I am fighting them. I had worked out a plan to come out when I was not living at home. I didn't expect to feel this way now living at home. I feel the methods I've been using to keep myself in the closet are not helping me. It seems like every time the desire comes to go forward I put some brakes on and this jerks me back. I guess I could describe it as being in a play, pause, rewind, play, pause... situation.
I am also not feeling comfortable that I may appear physically ambiguous in public. This has been a bit confusing because I thought that I would be happy with an androgynous physical appearance. I seem to feel the need to be increasingly feminine in physical appearance. I often have moments when I can see masculine characteristics specifically in my face and that frustrates me.
I really think taking the testosterone blockers or oestrogen has allowed me to explore who I am as a person. I am very appreciative of this supposed affect. I also think therapy has done a lot to help me though. I might be wrong but I'm sure blocking my testosterone receptors and taking oestrogen has freed my mind. It could be the result of therapy but I feel as soon I as started the medications a lot of the distress was taken away. I sometimes feel foolish describing how this without any physical evidence. I often feel foolish describing and thinking how I feel I could sense the presence of testosterone. The only way I could describe it feeling like being possessed or under the influence of an harmful drug. I'm actually having trouble trying to remember this because I've not felt it for some time. I want to keep this memory alive though so I can describe it to people when they want to know about me.
With my thoughts of stopping oestrogen for the time being I have become very distressed with the idea of having to stop taking the testosterone blockers. I realised how distressed I have become by the types of thoughts I've been having in extreme times. I have felt the desire to physically castrating myself and that this would be the only answer. I am relieved, however, that I see how very dangerous this would be. Another more drastic answer that I have thought a few times was suicide. To be honest I've felt it best to mention this here because I feel it helps being open about it.
I have had several anxiety attacks about the prospects of having my testosterone return to its previous levels. I also had anxiety attacks about the subsequent affects that would have on my body. Another thing, I feared, maybe foolishly, was that if I let my testosterone return to its previous levels I would have no choice other to accept a life as a man. It would return my face and body back to a male shape and would numb my senses, feelings and emotions, and I would return back to survival and distress rather than growth (I am experiencing this now).
Lately I have been trying to work out more about myself and it has been quite difficult. I seem to be working with my gender expression involving my masculinity and femininity. I've been working through definitions in my head and came up with a few ideas. I worked out that for me masculinity and femininity is different to male and female. I hadn't distinguished the two before but now am looking at these definitions. I have found that there seems to be three aspects to the way I want to express myself in the world. I want to be able to freely express my masculinity, femininity and androgyny. These desires don't seem to be linked with a definition of male or female and the entity of male and female doesn't seem to work that well for me.
There is immense pressure from society to state whether one is male or female. I realise this is a physical statement yet I always take it as a statement of sense of self. There feels like a pressure when one desires to change one's sex to female, to also state that one also has a complete female sense of self. I feel this pressure exists a lot with transitioning people and there seems to be many conditions that one must satisfy to society.
I have this opinion (it might be mistaken) that society expects Trans people to justify their existence as female (or otherwise). It feels like if one is playing with societies rules one has to either justify their reasons, or change to another set of society's rules (even extreme rules). I have another opinion that society places a set of conditions upon people who want to change their birth gender. It feels like I will only be granted the right to be who I am if I abide by these conditions. These specifically feel like a male bodied Trans person has to polarise to the extreme female side of gender and femininity. I might be foolish thinking these things but it's what I currently believe and would like to learn things are different otherwise.
This aforementioned issue has built a block in my transition because I am preventing myself from moving forward in the fear people will exert these extreme rules upon me. Something becomes a rule for me when it's not part of who I am. I feel it would be right for me to find an existance where I can be more like myself. The main point of my transition was to come out of my shell in the first place.
I am adamant I don't want to be pigeonholed as a result of my transition because this will be a negative alongside the positives that could maybe create a neutral or even a detrimental affect overall. I think I will need a lot of confidence and mental strength to prevent this and this worries me.
Something positive has happened today that has helped my current state of mind. My Gender Counsellor drafted a letter to my GP explaining my situation and how it would important it is for me to be referred on the NHS for my continuing gender issues. I am so thankful to feel someone is on my side especially when I often don't have the emotional energy to push my agenda alone. I really hope that I will be referred to a gender clinic and they will be able to help me work out a way to help solve my gender issues.
This has become the most important journey in my life so far and I am damned if I am going to give up on it. I'm determined not to go back to the start and return to a state I used to belong in. Sometimes it feels so tempting to give up and return to the familiar and what I know; distress, suppression, hiding, pretending etc. Sometimes it gets too much and I lose the ability to take a breather from it all. I want this journey to be fun and I will try with all my might to find the answers as I go along. And I will try to preserve my energy and sanity along the way.