Socialising, Thoughts on Transition & Becoming Less Masculine Looking.
I have wanted to write something down for a week or so now have not been sure where to start. I thought about writing a few words down like keywords and try to write around these words. Obviously single words or sentences are easier to start with. At this point my house mate has turned his music on and it’s made it more difficult to think.
I’m lying in bed right now with a raging stomach ache and headache. I expect no sympathy because it is self induced and the result of slightly letting go last night with alcohol at a gathering we had here at home. Our house mate is leaving at the end of next week for South Africa; his home country for six months. It was really good to have a social last night though I think I was slightly reckless. I didn’t drink a lot at all but what I did mix. I am suffering now and being punished.
I get quite more of an odd feeling in mixed gender social gathering these days. I think this could be because I’m constantly thinking about it all. I can’t seem to let go of the thoughts even when I’m enjoying myself. I almost felt the separation that existed in the room with the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Of course there was interaction between everyone but I noticed the separation. One thing I kept wishing that I were with the girls. Then I wondered if I would actually fit in and would be accepted. I began fearing that I would not fit in though I shrugged this thought off because not all girls are the same.
I think I am used to male company and the conversation that often prevails even though I don’t feel right being classed as one of the boys. I think and hope I would get used to more female company. I used to think that in the past that if I were female then technically I had to get on with all girls. Now this doesn’t seem like a logical thing to think and I don’t rule my life by this anymore.
I often worry that even though I feel am female whether I would be able to interact as a female. I have always felt like my interaction as a male has always been a lie. Then maybe I shouldn’t worry so much and just be myself and I will be fine. If my heart tells me that I am not male and that it is more likely I am female then maybe I should go with that. I guess one of my beliefs is that I won’t know fully whether I’m a girl until I transition and find out physically.
Transition
I have periods of time when I feel transition is the most natural and normal thing for me to do. This also makes me a bit sad because I feel I’ve wasted so much time pondering on something I have known for a very long time. I don’t regret not doing anything later though just feel sad that I couldn’t work with it earlier. When I see people that have transitioned and they have plain, happy normal lives it acts as an inspiration. It also makes the feeling of transition less radical and more natural in my own eyes.
I begin to accept that I’m transsexual although I do feel I don’t want people to think of me as transsexual but just me. One of my fears is that if I transition the whole transsexual status will over shadow me and interaction will dominated by this situation. Maybe if I pass as a XX female then it wouldn’t become a situation for me.
Becoming less masculine looking
I have now had two laser hair removal sessions on my face and my facial hair is diminishing. I am also growing my hair and it is probably getting noticeably longer to people. I have also started hormone therapy again on my own accord.
I feel these aforementioned situations are de-masculinising me or feminising me somewhat. People have told me that appearance wise I am not that masculine even before I had decided to do these things. For some reason it feels a bit unnerving feminising. I am very used to hiding behind my outward appearance.
I always feared that I looked somewhat feminine when I was growing up and that people would realise how I felt inside. I was also paranoid of displaying any feminine behaviour because I felt that was another way I could be outed as trans.
I am somewhat surprised how worried I get about whether I look feminine at all. This paranoia is worse at work and I often agonise and worry about whether I look “girly”. I am constantly trying to blend in and it’s always been a habit to try having the easy life with no hassle; I don’t like conflict. I think it doesn’t help being surrounded by males all day. My work place is predominantly male with the exception of the Technical team that I belong to. The technical team is dominated by females and it does tend to act as a consolation, a safe haven to me.
I often am unable to avoid observing the male interaction that goes on around me. I don’t want anyone to notice I’m different to them. One thing I think is odd though is that I don’t throw myself into the macho image though instead I feel I’m rather quiet or withdrawn from the situation around me.
At home and elsewhere away from work I am not so worried about my appearance on the whole. I actually revel in the steps I am making and excite about the possible changes that are happening. Even though strangely I angst about how masculine I look instead which is quite the opposite. I feel far happy though about becoming less masculine and it satisfies my heart and soul.