Update
So, pretty much everything that I brag about going well lately is really being overshadowed by my severe and intensely intrusive depression that just WILL NOT go away.
I ended up breaking down and crying uncontrollably twice yesterday for no reason and was fighting tears all day. I was trying not to cry, but it just was not working. I cried because I forgot something on my trip, I nearly cried because I was out of my cookies, I cried because I wanted my soda, I cried and cried and cried because I realized that I am one millimeter away from my life shattering breakdown.
Any driving at all gives me a panic attack now. I was trying to relax myself because I kept thinking that I would get into an accident. I kept thinking of all of the ways I could die, and THAT is what made my panic dissapate. It was raining really heavily earlier and I kept imagining just veering off the road and slowly drifting into nothingness with a crash.
The part that disturbs me the most is that, this isn't me! This isn't who I am, but maybe.... maybe it is. I've been like this for so long. I don't remember being happy. I'm constantly being gripped at the throat by my emotions and the only thing I want to do is run from it.
I just want to die.
x-posted
I ended up breaking down and crying uncontrollably twice yesterday for no reason and was fighting tears all day. I was trying not to cry, but it just was not working. I cried because I forgot something on my trip, I nearly cried because I was out of my cookies, I cried because I wanted my soda, I cried and cried and cried because I realized that I am one millimeter away from my life shattering breakdown.
Any driving at all gives me a panic attack now. I was trying to relax myself because I kept thinking that I would get into an accident. I kept thinking of all of the ways I could die, and THAT is what made my panic dissapate. It was raining really heavily earlier and I kept imagining just veering off the road and slowly drifting into nothingness with a crash.
The part that disturbs me the most is that, this isn't me! This isn't who I am, but maybe.... maybe it is. I've been like this for so long. I don't remember being happy. I'm constantly being gripped at the throat by my emotions and the only thing I want to do is run from it.
I just want to die.
x-posted