Stupid Man Suit
I keep reviewing last night in my head. It was such a great opportunity to promote some self-knowledge. Which is what I am all about because I am egocentric and conceited.
One odd thing that feels a little silly to even mention was that Ben was physically turned on by being next to me. Even when we were just holding hands and stumbling down the street. When I mean physically turned on, I mean down in that one special place. I found it funny. Just in that someone was turned on by me. It sounds like such a silly thing to say, and it’s not like it’s been years since I’ve been with someone (only barely two months now). Maybe because of who I see him as, the idea of him getting turned on by me seems ludicrous.
I on the other hand was so drunk not much was working at all. Which is fine. I don’t take that as a malfunction of my person. I was so drunk I could barely walk. Closing my eyes when he and I made out made the room spin so much I thought I was going to spew down his throat.
Me. A sexual being. I don’t know why but it seems so hilarious to me right now.
And I love the perspective seeing someone you haven’t for months and years gives you on yourself. Not that I don’t spend every day in constant self-analysis, but I am looking at myself in somewhat of a different point of view this morning. Not revolutionary, but something to keep me busy in this boredom for sure.
I really am a lonely, bitter person. I’ve always got something negative to say. I’m always waiting to shoot down ideas on my life. I am always looking for how I can remain right where I am in my miserable existence. I’m already aware of how I utilize projection, but it just seems like an ”Ah-ha!” thing right now to see how shallow certain parts of my life are.
And I am not saying that in a ”feel sorry for me” kinda way. I am just being very matter of fact. I have a lot of shortcomings and they are not pretty. They make me a very ugly person. I don’t feel I have enough positives to outweigh the negatives. My mother would say I am being too hard on myself, but I am just being honest. Drunk or not last night these things were already in me. It just took that setup to make them blatantly obvious to me today.
When I am around people, especially ones I know, I always feel like I have to have something to say. If I pull back and I am quiet, I feel like I am being rude. Rockwell bumped into some friends last night right off and as they were talking I just kinda moved to the side. I didn’t feel like I had anything to contribute. I wasn’t trying to be rude.
When I meet new people, I just don’t have anything to say to them. What does that say about me is an interesting question. I’ve known for years that my quietness is misinterpreted by people as arrogance. I’ve had people tell me that many times.
But, I am Jekyll and Hyde, turning from quiet to loud, obnoxious drunk. I don’t listen when people talk because I am always waiting to say what I want to say. I forget names because I don’t care to hear them. I am horribly self-centered. It just feels shocking even though I kinda already knew it.
When we were talking about Kerouac last night, as much as I enjoyed it I realized even then I didn’t have much to say. I have all the words and thoughts in my head, but I had no idea how to form them into what I wanted to say. Proving that apes can read but it doesn’t mean they understand.
Am I really stupid? Am I unintelligent? Intellectually inept? Is everything about me surface fluff? Do I do it all for show? Am I obsessed with getting the empty approval of others?
Who am I fighting with here? Me? Them? Everyone? What kind of person do I want to be?
I’m a whiner. Helpless and incompetent. Afraid. Angry. Ugly. Lost. Obsessed with opinion. Uneducated. Unwise. I’m the shell I see everyone else as that I hate. I read the definition this morning and it’s true, I am a megalomaniac.
I think I am better than other people. I think I am more intelligent. I think the universe has a grudge against me. I often have feelings that I am ”the only one that gets it”. I am arrogant and superior and exclusive. I am all these ugly things. I know I am. I admit it. I enjoy some of them sometimes. But, I also know that once a long time ago I had that first thought that it was ok to think I was better than some people and it has erupted now in the future to me thinking I am in some way separated and on a pedestal above the rest of existence. It’s true dementia.
I think a lot of the sex I used to have I did so for similar, fucked up reasons. I liked the approval I felt from it. I liked that guys would tell me I was better at it than this person, that person or all persons. It was an ego trip that became an obsession. I needed to have these trysts to validate myself. What could be more empty than that. I still feel it when I go out now. Even last night. Like having sex would somehow give me the esteem I long for. Worse that I am aware of it and yet sometimes still do it.
I don’t list all this as a way to beat myself up. I say it objectively almost from this new vantage point. Whether ’everyone is like that’ or not is not the point. I am like this and I am not sure I like being this way. What is wrong with wanting to evolve into something better. Not someone that would gain approval or be accepted by anyone else. A person that *I* could accept. Because I’ve never accepted myself. There is something to be gained from always expecting more and better things, but it’s another thing to flat out hate yourself like I often times do. My arrogance could be a direct reaction to just how small I really feel I am inside.
It’s not like Ben said anything to me last night that made me feel this way. None of those muscleheads at the bar looked at me like less than them. It’s all in my head. All of it. The universe isn’t out to get me, *I* am out to get me.
I feel empty. Not in a sad, pity-seeking way. I just feel it as my current state. Not saying it can’t change, that I can’t change. Just today, in this very moment, unemotionally, I feel I am as a great void.
One odd thing that feels a little silly to even mention was that Ben was physically turned on by being next to me. Even when we were just holding hands and stumbling down the street. When I mean physically turned on, I mean down in that one special place. I found it funny. Just in that someone was turned on by me. It sounds like such a silly thing to say, and it’s not like it’s been years since I’ve been with someone (only barely two months now). Maybe because of who I see him as, the idea of him getting turned on by me seems ludicrous.
I on the other hand was so drunk not much was working at all. Which is fine. I don’t take that as a malfunction of my person. I was so drunk I could barely walk. Closing my eyes when he and I made out made the room spin so much I thought I was going to spew down his throat.
Me. A sexual being. I don’t know why but it seems so hilarious to me right now.
And I love the perspective seeing someone you haven’t for months and years gives you on yourself. Not that I don’t spend every day in constant self-analysis, but I am looking at myself in somewhat of a different point of view this morning. Not revolutionary, but something to keep me busy in this boredom for sure.
I really am a lonely, bitter person. I’ve always got something negative to say. I’m always waiting to shoot down ideas on my life. I am always looking for how I can remain right where I am in my miserable existence. I’m already aware of how I utilize projection, but it just seems like an ”Ah-ha!” thing right now to see how shallow certain parts of my life are.
And I am not saying that in a ”feel sorry for me” kinda way. I am just being very matter of fact. I have a lot of shortcomings and they are not pretty. They make me a very ugly person. I don’t feel I have enough positives to outweigh the negatives. My mother would say I am being too hard on myself, but I am just being honest. Drunk or not last night these things were already in me. It just took that setup to make them blatantly obvious to me today.
When I am around people, especially ones I know, I always feel like I have to have something to say. If I pull back and I am quiet, I feel like I am being rude. Rockwell bumped into some friends last night right off and as they were talking I just kinda moved to the side. I didn’t feel like I had anything to contribute. I wasn’t trying to be rude.
When I meet new people, I just don’t have anything to say to them. What does that say about me is an interesting question. I’ve known for years that my quietness is misinterpreted by people as arrogance. I’ve had people tell me that many times.
But, I am Jekyll and Hyde, turning from quiet to loud, obnoxious drunk. I don’t listen when people talk because I am always waiting to say what I want to say. I forget names because I don’t care to hear them. I am horribly self-centered. It just feels shocking even though I kinda already knew it.
When we were talking about Kerouac last night, as much as I enjoyed it I realized even then I didn’t have much to say. I have all the words and thoughts in my head, but I had no idea how to form them into what I wanted to say. Proving that apes can read but it doesn’t mean they understand.
Am I really stupid? Am I unintelligent? Intellectually inept? Is everything about me surface fluff? Do I do it all for show? Am I obsessed with getting the empty approval of others?
Who am I fighting with here? Me? Them? Everyone? What kind of person do I want to be?
I’m a whiner. Helpless and incompetent. Afraid. Angry. Ugly. Lost. Obsessed with opinion. Uneducated. Unwise. I’m the shell I see everyone else as that I hate. I read the definition this morning and it’s true, I am a megalomaniac.
I think I am better than other people. I think I am more intelligent. I think the universe has a grudge against me. I often have feelings that I am ”the only one that gets it”. I am arrogant and superior and exclusive. I am all these ugly things. I know I am. I admit it. I enjoy some of them sometimes. But, I also know that once a long time ago I had that first thought that it was ok to think I was better than some people and it has erupted now in the future to me thinking I am in some way separated and on a pedestal above the rest of existence. It’s true dementia.
I think a lot of the sex I used to have I did so for similar, fucked up reasons. I liked the approval I felt from it. I liked that guys would tell me I was better at it than this person, that person or all persons. It was an ego trip that became an obsession. I needed to have these trysts to validate myself. What could be more empty than that. I still feel it when I go out now. Even last night. Like having sex would somehow give me the esteem I long for. Worse that I am aware of it and yet sometimes still do it.
I don’t list all this as a way to beat myself up. I say it objectively almost from this new vantage point. Whether ’everyone is like that’ or not is not the point. I am like this and I am not sure I like being this way. What is wrong with wanting to evolve into something better. Not someone that would gain approval or be accepted by anyone else. A person that *I* could accept. Because I’ve never accepted myself. There is something to be gained from always expecting more and better things, but it’s another thing to flat out hate yourself like I often times do. My arrogance could be a direct reaction to just how small I really feel I am inside.
It’s not like Ben said anything to me last night that made me feel this way. None of those muscleheads at the bar looked at me like less than them. It’s all in my head. All of it. The universe isn’t out to get me, *I* am out to get me.
I feel empty. Not in a sad, pity-seeking way. I just feel it as my current state. Not saying it can’t change, that I can’t change. Just today, in this very moment, unemotionally, I feel I am as a great void.