As I peer through the window of lost time
I seriously, unexaggeratedly almost got run over about fifteen minutes ago. I was crossing the side street behind Jewel along Wabash(?) right after I got off the El. There was a Turano’s bread truck over three-quarters of the crosswalk, so I started to walk around him from behind. He finally has the opportunity to turn just as I am in the middle of the intersection. This woman in a small SUV who was behind the bread truck decides she doesn’t need to stop and guns it, literally missing hitting me by half an inch. And, she is looking at me while she’s doing this too.
Just out of complete reaction, as she’s barely missing my toes, I slammed my fist down on her hood and as she passes by in the driver’s side window she gives me one of those ”Oops, if I go faster this whole awkward situation will be over” looks. I am yelling ”Fucking Bitch!!!!!” at her and about ten people all walking around me are watching the whole thing unfold. Stupid fucking cunt! Too good to stop at a fucking stop sign!!! I look forward to the day I get hit because I will run the bastard figuratively into the ground any way I can afterwards. Ignorant people and their tawdry, useless lives!!!!
Other than that, I am hungover beyond comprehension right now. In fact, I might still be drunk. When I close my eyes it feels that way. I slept through all three of my alarms and only just happened to wake up around 7:20 by chance. I was five minutes late getting here which means if the pathetic drama is still taking place between the rabid sparrows here and we don’t get to leave early, I’ll be stuck sitting around till 5 minutes after 5. How stupid is that.
Last night was just one crazy blur. I drank too much for the end of the evening to be enjoyable. Even as I was groping all over Ben. Thankfully, nothing came of it (as is always the case when we see each other once a year) because had I gotten horizontal with anyone present I would have blown chunks all over the place. Alcohol is an evil, evil thing. I’ll still be recovering from this on Saturday.
Ben is an interesting person. Not just on a surface level. He really is a deeply fascinating person I think. He’s a little Iowa farm boy turned gay who has lived over in the Middle East for four or five years now teaching. He’s been around the world, yet still maintains that farm boy queen charm and has real, honest opinions on things that he is not afraid to voice whenever he damn well pleases. He is also very adept at cutting right through my bullshit and asking the hard lining questions.
His main point of irritation with me seemed to be why I was wasting my time on this blogging ”shit” and not writing something substantial. At every reason I gave he slapped me back down like a Godzilla to my Mothra and wanted to know ”Why?”. ”Why? Why? Why?” And in the end I had no answer.
One of the many things I dislike about myself is how I try to give new people, and people I haven’t seen in a year or more this condensed, full-on version of myself and my ideas. I just feel it’s so ’in your face’ and random that people aren’t understanding where I am coming from and the ultimate display is that of a megalomaniac. The real me is getting lost in all this bullshit I think is substantial. Instead of letting less speak volumes, I am spewing data and letting my failure in social interaction speak volumes about my flaws. I am very embarrassed about this.
I think I shared only one meaningful bit of wisdom about where I had gone since I saw the pair (Ben and Katie) when we were at Melrose. Just that, while reading ’Walden’ while sitting in the front window of the very same restaurant, I tasted the lemon in my iced tea for the first time. I didn’t need 15 minute diatribes of pointlessness to convey what was as simple as that very statement.
Kate, who was formerly the bright and chipper maniac of our group was now the more subdued one looking at me somewhat like I was mental. Ben just continued to cut through the bullshit and ask. Why? What? When? Where? while groping my thigh and reminding me what physical contact between two people felt like when they’ve actually known each other for a long time.
Ten years we figured. Though when we first met, he and I hated each other like only two clashing queens could. It took a drunken night at Roscoes some five years ago for us to just see each other and basically start making out to reveal the obvious seeds of lust that had been there all along. Nothing's ever come of it though and last night we even talking about how that was probably the beauty of the situation.
Oh, and he also dated my bartender Brad. Is there anyone Brad hasn’t done?
I was so blitzed. They wanted to share a cab because Kate lived around Addison and Oakley but I passed in lieu of trying to walk my booze off. I had to piss so bad I almost went into Charlies (but was afraid I’d have to pay cover). Then I debated the whole way what bush or tree I could find to piss behind. I even tried texting Rockwell who was either fast asleep or in between MJ’s legs. It was one of my top three waste evacuations ever when I got home.
Back to Melrose. Kate told me she was writing a book, and I was really fascinated by that. I wanted to know how she was doing it. What it was about. Where she found her muse. She and Ben are the kind of people I want to interact with more. People who do and don’t just live in theory like I have. Our brief comments on Kerouac made my night. I am not sure I’ve ever been able to talk face to face about him with anyone before. She recommended another book that I can’t remember now.
Ugh! I was such a drunken fool last night. And, just in the same lines of the Eastern philosophy I was reading; the person I was really trying to impress and talk myself up to... was myself. In the face of all their travels and adventures in life I wanted to have something to say that was meaningful even though I have been stuck in the same mundane life for ten years. I wanted to feel wise and important and that is my failure. Because a truly wise, accomplished person doesn’t need to flash his shit around like that. He stands and speaks plainly and lets the few things he says speak for the volumes of who he is as a person. I did the opposite and presented myself as a shallow, confused drunk. A person of real conviction doesn’t need to make a show like that. Whether it be intelligence or physical prowess or whatever; showing it off is just tacky. Especially when it’s just the facade of the thing you’re flashing around.
Ben said he’s had my email address on his fridge for about four years now. We’ve never actually emailed (in the last four years at least). Kate wanted to hang out some more. I don’t have a way to contact either of them. Ben was driving home to Iowa today and then coming back at the end of the month. If I don’t see him then I might not see either of them for another year and a half or more.
Seeing them as briefly as I did though was enough to see how much farther I really have to go and how vain and empty I am.
Just out of complete reaction, as she’s barely missing my toes, I slammed my fist down on her hood and as she passes by in the driver’s side window she gives me one of those ”Oops, if I go faster this whole awkward situation will be over” looks. I am yelling ”Fucking Bitch!!!!!” at her and about ten people all walking around me are watching the whole thing unfold. Stupid fucking cunt! Too good to stop at a fucking stop sign!!! I look forward to the day I get hit because I will run the bastard figuratively into the ground any way I can afterwards. Ignorant people and their tawdry, useless lives!!!!
Other than that, I am hungover beyond comprehension right now. In fact, I might still be drunk. When I close my eyes it feels that way. I slept through all three of my alarms and only just happened to wake up around 7:20 by chance. I was five minutes late getting here which means if the pathetic drama is still taking place between the rabid sparrows here and we don’t get to leave early, I’ll be stuck sitting around till 5 minutes after 5. How stupid is that.
Last night was just one crazy blur. I drank too much for the end of the evening to be enjoyable. Even as I was groping all over Ben. Thankfully, nothing came of it (as is always the case when we see each other once a year) because had I gotten horizontal with anyone present I would have blown chunks all over the place. Alcohol is an evil, evil thing. I’ll still be recovering from this on Saturday.
Ben is an interesting person. Not just on a surface level. He really is a deeply fascinating person I think. He’s a little Iowa farm boy turned gay who has lived over in the Middle East for four or five years now teaching. He’s been around the world, yet still maintains that farm boy queen charm and has real, honest opinions on things that he is not afraid to voice whenever he damn well pleases. He is also very adept at cutting right through my bullshit and asking the hard lining questions.
His main point of irritation with me seemed to be why I was wasting my time on this blogging ”shit” and not writing something substantial. At every reason I gave he slapped me back down like a Godzilla to my Mothra and wanted to know ”Why?”. ”Why? Why? Why?” And in the end I had no answer.
One of the many things I dislike about myself is how I try to give new people, and people I haven’t seen in a year or more this condensed, full-on version of myself and my ideas. I just feel it’s so ’in your face’ and random that people aren’t understanding where I am coming from and the ultimate display is that of a megalomaniac. The real me is getting lost in all this bullshit I think is substantial. Instead of letting less speak volumes, I am spewing data and letting my failure in social interaction speak volumes about my flaws. I am very embarrassed about this.
I think I shared only one meaningful bit of wisdom about where I had gone since I saw the pair (Ben and Katie) when we were at Melrose. Just that, while reading ’Walden’ while sitting in the front window of the very same restaurant, I tasted the lemon in my iced tea for the first time. I didn’t need 15 minute diatribes of pointlessness to convey what was as simple as that very statement.
Kate, who was formerly the bright and chipper maniac of our group was now the more subdued one looking at me somewhat like I was mental. Ben just continued to cut through the bullshit and ask. Why? What? When? Where? while groping my thigh and reminding me what physical contact between two people felt like when they’ve actually known each other for a long time.
Ten years we figured. Though when we first met, he and I hated each other like only two clashing queens could. It took a drunken night at Roscoes some five years ago for us to just see each other and basically start making out to reveal the obvious seeds of lust that had been there all along. Nothing's ever come of it though and last night we even talking about how that was probably the beauty of the situation.
Oh, and he also dated my bartender Brad. Is there anyone Brad hasn’t done?
I was so blitzed. They wanted to share a cab because Kate lived around Addison and Oakley but I passed in lieu of trying to walk my booze off. I had to piss so bad I almost went into Charlies (but was afraid I’d have to pay cover). Then I debated the whole way what bush or tree I could find to piss behind. I even tried texting Rockwell who was either fast asleep or in between MJ’s legs. It was one of my top three waste evacuations ever when I got home.
Back to Melrose. Kate told me she was writing a book, and I was really fascinated by that. I wanted to know how she was doing it. What it was about. Where she found her muse. She and Ben are the kind of people I want to interact with more. People who do and don’t just live in theory like I have. Our brief comments on Kerouac made my night. I am not sure I’ve ever been able to talk face to face about him with anyone before. She recommended another book that I can’t remember now.
Ugh! I was such a drunken fool last night. And, just in the same lines of the Eastern philosophy I was reading; the person I was really trying to impress and talk myself up to... was myself. In the face of all their travels and adventures in life I wanted to have something to say that was meaningful even though I have been stuck in the same mundane life for ten years. I wanted to feel wise and important and that is my failure. Because a truly wise, accomplished person doesn’t need to flash his shit around like that. He stands and speaks plainly and lets the few things he says speak for the volumes of who he is as a person. I did the opposite and presented myself as a shallow, confused drunk. A person of real conviction doesn’t need to make a show like that. Whether it be intelligence or physical prowess or whatever; showing it off is just tacky. Especially when it’s just the facade of the thing you’re flashing around.
Ben said he’s had my email address on his fridge for about four years now. We’ve never actually emailed (in the last four years at least). Kate wanted to hang out some more. I don’t have a way to contact either of them. Ben was driving home to Iowa today and then coming back at the end of the month. If I don’t see him then I might not see either of them for another year and a half or more.
Seeing them as briefly as I did though was enough to see how much farther I really have to go and how vain and empty I am.