Who's Johnny?
I can honestly say I am actually in a decent mood today. It's been building up for a day or so. I'm sure it'll be squashed by the coming of Monday.
Not sure what the difference is. I know I hadn't taken any vitamins or supplements the entire week. Could what was affecting me be out of my system or is something else at play here? I did do some reflection yesterday as I looked through this CD of old pictures I'd forgotten to take out of the drive on my laptop for two weeks. Pics from when I was about 26/27. I looked at them and was amused... I thought I was so ugly back then. Fat, pale, pasty, covered in zits with bad teeth. But, looking at the pictures I saw none of that. I was so thin and fit back then. I wasn't any of the things I thought I was.
It's funny cause I know I STILL think that way, and I am looking at myself through some kind of funhouse mirror, seeing all these things that aren't there. It'd be an amazing day when I was actually happy with myself. Which is where half my moodiness probably originates. My self-image rivals the hatred of an entire Nazi army. Why I am so hard on myself I do not know... yes I do know. Because of my experiences in childhood. But, whatever.
It sounds vain, and it is, but looking at the pics I felt like I was looking at some model-wannabe. It's so sad I cannot actually see myself that way. Sure it's vain, but it's a little healthier than thinking of oneself as pariah.
So, all of that put some stuff in perspective for me. This idea that I am wasting so much time filled with rage when I am not even half as far gone as I think myself to be. And there were some fun pics in there too, it wasn't all a vanity fest. Some fun times I'd forgotten about. I used to have time for fun. What has happened? Is there really no time for it now? Am I just work and sleep and nothing else? There has to be a way.
And right there, that statement shows a change in my attitude.
I think I recall the exact moment on Thursday when I realized the cloud was lifting a bit. I walked home from the Stinking Meat Packer and I think just that little amount of activity was enough to energize me. It's been over a month since I exercised and more than anything else it is what I need. Being active is the only combatant to my depression. Sure, it doesn't always help... but you never regret exercising. With this in mind I pushed myself to go for a run this morning. I did not get out there until 7:10 and it was WAY WAY WAY too late to being going. The lakefront was filled with all kinds of annoying running groups that I just loathe and it made it more grueling.
The only good time on the weekends to run is before 6:30 AM. Actually, 5:30 would probably be the ideal time. There are too many people out there otherwise and that takes away all enjoyment for me. It's a time for focus and reflection for me... and I can't do any of that with those asshole groups forcing people off the paths in their rudeness.
It's amazing I got out there considering the first thing I had to deal with this morning was cat piss all over the floor. After the run, I got showered and met up with this group of guys I befriended that go to Melrose on the weekend mornings. I've seen them for at least a year now, if not longer, and we used to banter back and forth from our tables. I eventually ate with them once or twice and got invited to a BBQ at one of their places on Memorial Day weekend... and actually had a good time.
There can be a certain liberation in hanging out with new people. You can forget some of the baggage you're already carrying in other relationships and start from the beginning... when it's all laughs. Not sure if that makes sense or not. I don't mean baggage with older friends... just my personal mental baggage. I believe they're all going to be coming to my Pride party in a few weeks. Should be fun.
I got home and started vacuuming and doing some cleaning. It didn't feel like climbing Everest today. Usually even those simple tasks feel like impossible feats and I end up on the couch in a daze. I hope to ride this fluctuating mood wave as long as I can. If I can keep up the running now it might help.
Part of the thing that has kept me from running, and this will show how mental I am... my new running shoes are dark gray and black... and with my legs being so white, I felt I could not go out in them in shorts. And doubly, I feel uncomfortable running in shorts because of my pale legs and how thin I think they look. All pointless mental bullshit. This is the kinda stuff that keeps me on the couch. It was rough out there even without all the assholes. My body was not ready for it, but the ONE positive of the groups... I had to keep pushing myself to get away from them.
The rest of the day should be interesting. I think we are going to the street fair up in Andersonville. The guys from Melrose might hook up with us. Drinking will be involved and since it hits me so hard the next day I'm not sure if the positivity will continue on the rest of the weekend. But, I'm not in the mood to care right now.
Not sure what the difference is. I know I hadn't taken any vitamins or supplements the entire week. Could what was affecting me be out of my system or is something else at play here? I did do some reflection yesterday as I looked through this CD of old pictures I'd forgotten to take out of the drive on my laptop for two weeks. Pics from when I was about 26/27. I looked at them and was amused... I thought I was so ugly back then. Fat, pale, pasty, covered in zits with bad teeth. But, looking at the pictures I saw none of that. I was so thin and fit back then. I wasn't any of the things I thought I was.
It's funny cause I know I STILL think that way, and I am looking at myself through some kind of funhouse mirror, seeing all these things that aren't there. It'd be an amazing day when I was actually happy with myself. Which is where half my moodiness probably originates. My self-image rivals the hatred of an entire Nazi army. Why I am so hard on myself I do not know... yes I do know. Because of my experiences in childhood. But, whatever.
It sounds vain, and it is, but looking at the pics I felt like I was looking at some model-wannabe. It's so sad I cannot actually see myself that way. Sure it's vain, but it's a little healthier than thinking of oneself as pariah.
So, all of that put some stuff in perspective for me. This idea that I am wasting so much time filled with rage when I am not even half as far gone as I think myself to be. And there were some fun pics in there too, it wasn't all a vanity fest. Some fun times I'd forgotten about. I used to have time for fun. What has happened? Is there really no time for it now? Am I just work and sleep and nothing else? There has to be a way.
And right there, that statement shows a change in my attitude.
I think I recall the exact moment on Thursday when I realized the cloud was lifting a bit. I walked home from the Stinking Meat Packer and I think just that little amount of activity was enough to energize me. It's been over a month since I exercised and more than anything else it is what I need. Being active is the only combatant to my depression. Sure, it doesn't always help... but you never regret exercising. With this in mind I pushed myself to go for a run this morning. I did not get out there until 7:10 and it was WAY WAY WAY too late to being going. The lakefront was filled with all kinds of annoying running groups that I just loathe and it made it more grueling.
The only good time on the weekends to run is before 6:30 AM. Actually, 5:30 would probably be the ideal time. There are too many people out there otherwise and that takes away all enjoyment for me. It's a time for focus and reflection for me... and I can't do any of that with those asshole groups forcing people off the paths in their rudeness.
It's amazing I got out there considering the first thing I had to deal with this morning was cat piss all over the floor. After the run, I got showered and met up with this group of guys I befriended that go to Melrose on the weekend mornings. I've seen them for at least a year now, if not longer, and we used to banter back and forth from our tables. I eventually ate with them once or twice and got invited to a BBQ at one of their places on Memorial Day weekend... and actually had a good time.
There can be a certain liberation in hanging out with new people. You can forget some of the baggage you're already carrying in other relationships and start from the beginning... when it's all laughs. Not sure if that makes sense or not. I don't mean baggage with older friends... just my personal mental baggage. I believe they're all going to be coming to my Pride party in a few weeks. Should be fun.
I got home and started vacuuming and doing some cleaning. It didn't feel like climbing Everest today. Usually even those simple tasks feel like impossible feats and I end up on the couch in a daze. I hope to ride this fluctuating mood wave as long as I can. If I can keep up the running now it might help.
Part of the thing that has kept me from running, and this will show how mental I am... my new running shoes are dark gray and black... and with my legs being so white, I felt I could not go out in them in shorts. And doubly, I feel uncomfortable running in shorts because of my pale legs and how thin I think they look. All pointless mental bullshit. This is the kinda stuff that keeps me on the couch. It was rough out there even without all the assholes. My body was not ready for it, but the ONE positive of the groups... I had to keep pushing myself to get away from them.
The rest of the day should be interesting. I think we are going to the street fair up in Andersonville. The guys from Melrose might hook up with us. Drinking will be involved and since it hits me so hard the next day I'm not sure if the positivity will continue on the rest of the weekend. But, I'm not in the mood to care right now.