rant: I hate the idea of 'honeymoon phase' or NRE / start with reality rather than fantasy / IFE

[belenen]

icon: "voltaic (me, face at a sharp angle staring out of one eye with a slight smile and streaks of rainbow light on my face)"I LOATHE the idea of a 'honeymoon phase' or 'new relationship energy' (NRE). I hate it like I hate the idea of men being less emotional than women (which, in case you didn't know, is empirically untrue). It implies a lie.

Comments

[ragnarok_08]

If you crave novelty, just call it novelty. Stop acting like it is a part of every relationship or that every relationship has a 'honeymoon' and 'post-honeymoon' stage.

Yes! I feel the same way!!

[belenen]

glad you agree!

[lusimeles]

I really enjoyed reading your perspective on this issue. I personally don't mind the idea of NRE, but I think I understand it differently from you insofar as I don't think the end of NRE necessarily equals the end of the period in which you are excited about your lover, just the end of the period in which that excitement still feels frenzied. To me, the idea of NRE is kind of comforting - I think a lot of people grow up with the idea that unless you're fucking each other against walls 24/7, there is something "missing" from your relationship. NRE kind of normalizes for me the idea that it's okay, and even normal/commonplace, for sex drives (and romantic frenzies) to waver, as well as (quite importantly) the idea that when you're first falling in love, your best judgment might be a little compromised by your fear (of, say, loneliness) or anxiety or whatever

[lorigami]

"the IFE rises and ebbs with the reasons"
yes, this. I've been with my partner for almost 16 years, and it definitely ebbs and flows. Sometimes we each have too much going on in our own lives to put as much focus on the relationship as we'd like, but that's an understood thing. As long as it doesn't go too far, it's an accepted part of the cycle.
I think we can't sustain that amount of focus permanently because if we did, we'd wind up ignoring our own needs.

Also, I see the honeymoon phase a little differently. Not only are you getting to know someone new, with all that comes with that, but you're getting to know yourself through someone else's eyes, which can be equally exciting.

[kiwi]

Also, I see the honeymoon phase a little differently. Not only are you getting to know someone new, with all that comes with that, but you're getting to know yourself through someone else's eyes, which can be equally exciting.

I really like this statement. I know I've had different partners bring out different sides of my personality and it was just as interesting learning about these new sides of me as it was learning about the new sides of them as things started out.

[belenen]

we can't sustain that amount of focus permanently because if we did, we'd wind up ignoring our own needs

definitely! I don't think it is healthy to have IFE all the time because then you would not be investing enough in the rest of your life. And it's also not possible to have it all the time because it takes way too much work!

For me, getting to know myself through someone else's eyes is HUGELY exciting but happens just as much with people I know very well as it does with new people. For me, the only time it is lacking is when one or both of us get in a rut where we are not learning and growing (which could happen at any point in the relationship).

[annapandawoo]

That was honestly one of the greatest things I've ever read on this site.

[belenen]

awww, thanks! :D

[wantedonvoyage]

I also think this is great. Keeping a level head about what's happening would definitely put you in a better frame of mind to appreciate the partner for who they are. Also, every seven years all your cells have been replaced, so keep discovering each other!

I think the worst thing is to put up a front that you are exactly what you think the other person wants, because you won't be able to keep it up forever, or will just resent it. I wish I had been more frank about some of my own needs and limitations in the beginning, but here we are.

Also, the statement about men being less emotional than women is on point. Men aren't less emotional, they're just socialized to believe it's inappropriate to express themselves honestly. Men are only allowed to be joyful/victorious and angry. Anything else must be stifled.

[belenen]

keep discovering each other

These four words could sum up my idea of romance ;-)

Men aren't less emotional, they're just socialized to believe it's inappropriate to express themselves honestly. Men are only allowed to be joyful/victorious and angry. Anything else must be stifled.

SO SO true. I was just thinking about this yesterday and considering how difficult it is to really connect with other people when one feels like one can't even connect with oneself.

[wantedonvoyage]

I riffed off this in my own post for today, BTW

[fishness]

pretty spot-on.

I remember my first serious relationship when I was 19... I was actually really concerned when we hit the like... 6 month mark, I think, because I'd read about how that's when the ~honeymoon phase~ is over and I was legitimately stressed out that he'd decide out of the blue that he didn't like me/want to date me anymore because of that. Lol poor naive me.

I definitely get a huge kick out of the novelty of a new relationship/whatever but at this point in my life, like you say, I recognize that as novelty, instead of trying to call it something else.

[belenen]

I remember my first serious relationship when I was 19... I was actually really concerned when we hit the like... 6 month mark, I think, because I'd read about how that's when the ~honeymoon phase~ is over and I was legitimately stressed out that he'd decide out of the blue that he didn't like me/want to date me anymore because of that. Lol poor naive me.

I remember this! I had the same experience! and also my first romantic relationship started when I was 19, heh.