avoidance
All week I've been carrying around my NRP textbook and index cards, and I'm usually able to read it for a few minutes but then I go into avoidance mode and they are easily put aside. I am way too easily distracted and as a result, I don't feel prepared for tomorrow's course. I have most of today to review, then I'll be going out of town for supper at my SIL's house.
It's such a physical aversion; I find myself turning my head away, resting my head in my hands and eventually covering my eyes, or I'm searching the room for something else I could be doing. It's becoming the same way with studying for the CMRE and reviewing my clinical skills for OSCE's. I absolutely NEED to do these things but I feel overwhelmed and can't seem to make them seem more manageable or less scary.
I'm going to acknowledge my fear and overwhelm and just sit with it instead of avoiding it. It's ok for me to be afraid of what tomorrow will be like for me. It's ok to be nervous about OSCE's and the CMRE as well. These things are a Big Deal! I don't need to be brave and strong about what's ahead for me, I just need to be brave and strong about what I'm sitting with right now.
So I'll take a page from birthingway and make my own worry depot so I can just unload those worries and leave them here for now. What I'm worried or scared about:
* failing NRP
* falling apart apart in front of the hospital staff who will be taking the course with me.
* looking stupid in front of the NRP group
* OSCE's, no matter how 'friendly' the environment is
* doing a terrible job writing my 3 short papers for Aboriginal Women's Health
* failing that course which would be a waste of my time and money
* how much I'm going to have to ignore or neglect my kids to devote the time necessary for studying this year (even though I know they won't actually be neglected or ignored, I just won't be 100% available to them 24/7)
* finances, with me unemployed and Jack starting a new job
* having the money to help Kim in University
* finances for Kim's grad
* finances for flying to Winnipeg, travelling for clinical placements, childcare etc
* childcare next year when Kim is gone
* that I will get so so far behind in my girls' scrapbooks that I will forget details that I wanted to document for them
That's about enough for now.
It's such a physical aversion; I find myself turning my head away, resting my head in my hands and eventually covering my eyes, or I'm searching the room for something else I could be doing. It's becoming the same way with studying for the CMRE and reviewing my clinical skills for OSCE's. I absolutely NEED to do these things but I feel overwhelmed and can't seem to make them seem more manageable or less scary.
I'm going to acknowledge my fear and overwhelm and just sit with it instead of avoiding it. It's ok for me to be afraid of what tomorrow will be like for me. It's ok to be nervous about OSCE's and the CMRE as well. These things are a Big Deal! I don't need to be brave and strong about what's ahead for me, I just need to be brave and strong about what I'm sitting with right now.
So I'll take a page from birthingway and make my own worry depot so I can just unload those worries and leave them here for now. What I'm worried or scared about:
* failing NRP
* falling apart apart in front of the hospital staff who will be taking the course with me.
* looking stupid in front of the NRP group
* OSCE's, no matter how 'friendly' the environment is
* doing a terrible job writing my 3 short papers for Aboriginal Women's Health
* failing that course which would be a waste of my time and money
* how much I'm going to have to ignore or neglect my kids to devote the time necessary for studying this year (even though I know they won't actually be neglected or ignored, I just won't be 100% available to them 24/7)
* finances, with me unemployed and Jack starting a new job
* having the money to help Kim in University
* finances for Kim's grad
* finances for flying to Winnipeg, travelling for clinical placements, childcare etc
* childcare next year when Kim is gone
* that I will get so so far behind in my girls' scrapbooks that I will forget details that I wanted to document for them
That's about enough for now.