flashbacks
As I was driving to the city yesterday with Kim and Julia, I started thinking again about car seat placement once this baby comes. With only two seats in the middle row of our van, we had decided to put Abby in the middle row and Julia (in her car seat/booster seat) in the way back. Having two car seats in the middle row would've made getting in and out of the third row, very difficult.
Then I remembered Abby's funeral. Jack and my BIL sat in the front seats, I sat behind Jack in the middle row with Julia on my lap, Kim sat in the way back and I had my hand on Abby's white casket, which was on the seat beside me - right where her car seat would have been. It's still the most logical place for an infant car seat in our van (automatic door opener on that side too) but I can't get that image out of my mind. Abby, wrapped in her pink blanket, in her tiny white casket on that seat as we drove to the cemetery.
Just thinking about it yesterday brought the pain and tears all back until I had to force myself to 'not go there' since I was driving and couldn't see through the tears.
Today I'm going to see my Ob/Gyn for an ultrasound. The last time I saw him I was *very* pregnant with Abby. I plan to take pictures to show him and his receptionist (who is very sweet), and I'm sure there will be some questions about Abby. As I was laying in bed last night and this morning I was thinking about what I would tell him, wondering what kind of questions he would ask, if he would try to discourage us from midwifery care and another home birth. My heart started pounding and I could feel the tears come as I re-lived Abby's birth and death. It's been 5 months since she was born and I can still feel her warm, wet body in my arms. I can remember every detail of her birth, her short life, and her death. I can still feel how weird her solid doll-like body felt when I held her in my arms after her autopsy. Her cool stiff fingers, her firm chubby cheeks, her wiggly toes ; it's as if it happened only yesterday.
And yet, I'm going to see our newest baby on an ultrasound screen today. I know that ambivalence, fear, joy, excitement and panic are all normal emotions in a "normal" pregnancy, but they seem to be intensified for me this time around. I know when I see this little bean today, there will be tears of happiness and tears of pain as I remember all of these moments from Abby's pregnancy. Already there are so many 'been there done that' moments, and it's often more painful than joyful.
So many emotions this morning. I'm happy about the baby, missing Abby, excited, scared, grieving, hurting, happy, nervous.....it's all too much. And yet my mind won't release the memory of how Abby's casket felt under my hand as we drove her to the cemetery.
Then I remembered Abby's funeral. Jack and my BIL sat in the front seats, I sat behind Jack in the middle row with Julia on my lap, Kim sat in the way back and I had my hand on Abby's white casket, which was on the seat beside me - right where her car seat would have been. It's still the most logical place for an infant car seat in our van (automatic door opener on that side too) but I can't get that image out of my mind. Abby, wrapped in her pink blanket, in her tiny white casket on that seat as we drove to the cemetery.
Just thinking about it yesterday brought the pain and tears all back until I had to force myself to 'not go there' since I was driving and couldn't see through the tears.
Today I'm going to see my Ob/Gyn for an ultrasound. The last time I saw him I was *very* pregnant with Abby. I plan to take pictures to show him and his receptionist (who is very sweet), and I'm sure there will be some questions about Abby. As I was laying in bed last night and this morning I was thinking about what I would tell him, wondering what kind of questions he would ask, if he would try to discourage us from midwifery care and another home birth. My heart started pounding and I could feel the tears come as I re-lived Abby's birth and death. It's been 5 months since she was born and I can still feel her warm, wet body in my arms. I can remember every detail of her birth, her short life, and her death. I can still feel how weird her solid doll-like body felt when I held her in my arms after her autopsy. Her cool stiff fingers, her firm chubby cheeks, her wiggly toes ; it's as if it happened only yesterday.
And yet, I'm going to see our newest baby on an ultrasound screen today. I know that ambivalence, fear, joy, excitement and panic are all normal emotions in a "normal" pregnancy, but they seem to be intensified for me this time around. I know when I see this little bean today, there will be tears of happiness and tears of pain as I remember all of these moments from Abby's pregnancy. Already there are so many 'been there done that' moments, and it's often more painful than joyful.
So many emotions this morning. I'm happy about the baby, missing Abby, excited, scared, grieving, hurting, happy, nervous.....it's all too much. And yet my mind won't release the memory of how Abby's casket felt under my hand as we drove her to the cemetery.