Why we don't eat
I haven't really eaten this week. About a box of cookies, 1/2 a milkshake, and some gummies. None of it stayed in. I eat sugar for the quick energy boost, & because the idea of chewing makes me panicky.
I was wondering why.
Why does walking down the street make me sad?
Why do hugs from those who love me make me sad?
Why can't I eat?
I think it's because I don't want to move forward. In the car crash of my life this week, I slammed on the breaks, and I can't let go yet.
I can't see the dead bodies of my love, my relationship, my future, and my seemingly wasted past lying around me while *I* somehow walk away unscathed.
There will be no funeral
There will be no period of grief
There will be no slow recovery
I want to slam that break so hard my life can go in reverse - that I could go back to some moment, I honestly don't know which, and somehow atop this all from happening.
I'm not ready for time to move. I don't want it.
So I don't want to help myself move forward either. Eating is an admittance of time. Part of the cycle. Food will fill me, and I want to stay empty, frozen, unknowing, unseeing.
Walking is the same. Seeing the world continue, it hurts so much. On my couch I can pretend it's not happening, or it can all go by without me having to be part of it. But on the street I am in the world, I'm moving, I'm there. And I simply can't handle that.
And hugs follow. My friends and family love me. Just thinking of Jenna coming to see me brings tears to my eyes. They love me, an they want me to be happy, and they want me to heal. And I am sad, because I am only disappointing them when I don't. Plus, the inherent problem of them trying to cheer me up only reminds me of why I would be sad.
I hate time. I pretty much hate life. I want to run away, but I am sick of starting over. I wish I could have stopped this from happening. I wish I knew what needed to be done to keep this from happening anymore.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.