not my firstrodeo
this break up is so different from the last one. why does it feel so familiar.
and why, if i was so often on the brink of ending it last spring and summer, does it hurt so much when i do end it?
and why can't he just be honest about it/ why does he have to continue to lie?
his sister wrote me.
as did his mom (in response to a letter i sent her apologizing for the inevitable pain she will feel, and trying to explain how wonderful she has been in my life)
and then my mom wrote me. and told me, in a fashion, "sometimes grownups lie and cheat". and i am torn as to whether i believe it.
i find myself thinking of having a conversation in which i explain to him that i won't be able to trust him again, and he will never be able to expect me to be faithful again, but that there is still a love there we can work with. but i don't know if that's true. or if it would work
my brother wrote me and said "mom says that because she knows how hard life can be without help. not the same for you. you supported and cared for him, and all he gave was reinforcement that you are a good person."
and that was... surprisingly astute. and kind of what i think everyone else has been trying to say. i am both blown away with how profound the sentiment is, and also how my brother knew.
so, i still have no answer. i just know i still can't eat and walking into my room - really just looking at the door to the basement - makes me cry. i feel like i'm walking around in a constant, unyielding panic attack, and none of what i thought would be righteous justification or retribution is there. just confusion and sadness.
and why, if i was so often on the brink of ending it last spring and summer, does it hurt so much when i do end it?
and why can't he just be honest about it/ why does he have to continue to lie?
his sister wrote me.
as did his mom (in response to a letter i sent her apologizing for the inevitable pain she will feel, and trying to explain how wonderful she has been in my life)
and then my mom wrote me. and told me, in a fashion, "sometimes grownups lie and cheat". and i am torn as to whether i believe it.
i find myself thinking of having a conversation in which i explain to him that i won't be able to trust him again, and he will never be able to expect me to be faithful again, but that there is still a love there we can work with. but i don't know if that's true. or if it would work
my brother wrote me and said "mom says that because she knows how hard life can be without help. not the same for you. you supported and cared for him, and all he gave was reinforcement that you are a good person."
and that was... surprisingly astute. and kind of what i think everyone else has been trying to say. i am both blown away with how profound the sentiment is, and also how my brother knew.
so, i still have no answer. i just know i still can't eat and walking into my room - really just looking at the door to the basement - makes me cry. i feel like i'm walking around in a constant, unyielding panic attack, and none of what i thought would be righteous justification or retribution is there. just confusion and sadness.