Sometimes I'm tempted to wonder...
...I see what's going down.
Cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough..
~ The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Face Down
There are days, when the temptation to glance over my shoulder makes my neck hurt, and the itch to look backwards towards the path I've already walked.
It's easy to close your eyes and forget, or to feel the loss of the rings no longer on my fingers -- I wear different rings now. One is a leaf for growth and the environment, the other is a rose. I don't know why it is a rose, except that I bought to to wear to mom's wedding. When Dilan saw them he said, "They're pretty, I wish I could have bought them for you." ...But I confess, I'm glad he didn't. I don't need any extra reminders. Any more reasons for guilt to throw it's chains across my back. I already feel bad enough because I have to rely on his paycheck for food and gas, and other things that I want or need, because I don't have a job (yet.)
Sometimes I'm tempted to wonder, what it was that I am purposefully leaving behind. But this is one of them.
In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you. can't get through to you
It's been a Helter-Skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are Haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors
He'll never forgive her...he'll never forgive her...
~ Papa Roach, Forever
"...I don't even remember most of them. I don't remember what they were about, or how they started. I just know we had fights that I walked away from scraped up and bruised. There was the one where I fell into the old dog crate, it was made out of plastic and partially-crumbled when I crashed into it. It left an odd bruise pattern on my hip. There was the time where I stumbled in a struggle and scraped my foot on the pavement of the walkway leading to our apartment door as I fell into the grass and mud. And there was the time when he grabbed me by the throat and shoved me into the exterior wall of Christina's house -- the only reason anyone ever knew was because he had the (bad?) luck to shove me into the doorbell.
If you ask him, he will say that I started them all, and he was only trying to keep me from hurting him. To this day I can't wrap my brain around anything different, if there were instances where he swung first, my mind refuses to conjure them. I don't know.
At this point, it's actually difficult to talk about because of all the friends who came before, that told me that it was "still wrong" and "still abuse," that I don't actually have any genuine feelings of my own on the topic. All I have are conflicting external opinions. I'm so used to agreeing with him that I have no opinion of my own, I simply don't remember.
All I know for sure, is that I've heard to pathetic sound of "...but I started it," come from my mouth too many times..."
And he makes me feel crazy,
because I can not reconcile what he says with my own sense of right and wrong.
How can I go home
With nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
And say what did you do out there
And what did you decide
You said you needed time
And you had time
~ Ani DiFranco, You Had Time
Cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.
Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough..
~ The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Face Down
There are days, when the temptation to glance over my shoulder makes my neck hurt, and the itch to look backwards towards the path I've already walked.
It's easy to close your eyes and forget, or to feel the loss of the rings no longer on my fingers -- I wear different rings now. One is a leaf for growth and the environment, the other is a rose. I don't know why it is a rose, except that I bought to to wear to mom's wedding. When Dilan saw them he said, "They're pretty, I wish I could have bought them for you." ...But I confess, I'm glad he didn't. I don't need any extra reminders. Any more reasons for guilt to throw it's chains across my back. I already feel bad enough because I have to rely on his paycheck for food and gas, and other things that I want or need, because I don't have a job (yet.)
Sometimes I'm tempted to wonder, what it was that I am purposefully leaving behind. But this is one of them.
In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you. can't get through to you
It's been a Helter-Skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are Haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors
He'll never forgive her...he'll never forgive her...
~ Papa Roach, Forever
"...I don't even remember most of them. I don't remember what they were about, or how they started. I just know we had fights that I walked away from scraped up and bruised. There was the one where I fell into the old dog crate, it was made out of plastic and partially-crumbled when I crashed into it. It left an odd bruise pattern on my hip. There was the time where I stumbled in a struggle and scraped my foot on the pavement of the walkway leading to our apartment door as I fell into the grass and mud. And there was the time when he grabbed me by the throat and shoved me into the exterior wall of Christina's house -- the only reason anyone ever knew was because he had the (bad?) luck to shove me into the doorbell.
If you ask him, he will say that I started them all, and he was only trying to keep me from hurting him. To this day I can't wrap my brain around anything different, if there were instances where he swung first, my mind refuses to conjure them. I don't know.
At this point, it's actually difficult to talk about because of all the friends who came before, that told me that it was "still wrong" and "still abuse," that I don't actually have any genuine feelings of my own on the topic. All I have are conflicting external opinions. I'm so used to agreeing with him that I have no opinion of my own, I simply don't remember.
All I know for sure, is that I've heard to pathetic sound of "...but I started it," come from my mouth too many times..."
And he makes me feel crazy,
because I can not reconcile what he says with my own sense of right and wrong.
How can I go home
With nothing to say
I know you're going to look at me that way
And say what did you do out there
And what did you decide
You said you needed time
And you had time
~ Ani DiFranco, You Had Time