So I'm applying to grad schools for Sociology this Fall, but my statement still needs ALOT of help! please post some constructive criticism? limit is 300-500 words
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I read this really quickly so here are a few comments.
- Delete the entire first paragraph. It adds nothing. Similarly, delete the paragraph about PNG, especially since a paragraph should have more than one sentence. - No need to say when you plan to graduate or that you want to be a professor. Actually, I think you express WAY too many career goals in this paragraph. Focus on telling them what research you want to do as a Ph.D. student and why. The rest is superfluous. - You are very vague about your preparation. Not sure why you list your degrees but you don't need to. Instead, demonstrate specific skills (research, laboratory, life experience) that you have that will help you succeed as a graduate student. - You left the name of the university in the last paragraph, which, by the way, adds nothing new to your statement.
In a nutshell, as written, this is both vague and uninteresting. Not a good combination.
Oh, and also. "my medical missions’ experience in Papua New Guinea" THIS SORT OF THING right here is what you want to talk about - that is what is going to make you stand out from the sixty other applicants that also want that spot. You need to talk about this experience in detail, not as a half-sentence throwaway. This would make a great personal anecdote of the type lostreality is suggesting. It's interesting, personal, and highly relevant to what you want to do with the degree in future, and can be tied into what research you want to do in grad school. My suggestion would actually be to ditch what you've got right now and start with a focus on that experience and how it ties together your past experience and future plans.
I,(A) strongly desire to obtain an M.A. and Ph. D. in Sociology from XXX University. XXX’s specialization in health, aging and the life course is of great interest to me. The research facilities, knowledgeable faculty and funding opportunities will greatly assist me in my ultimate pursuit of completing my doctoral studies at XXX University. (You forgot the period). You need a more succinct, engrossing and effective opening paragraph. You should mention: 1: what degree you are applying for (is it a MA and PhD program, or is it a phd program where you can get a MA in the process? If it's the latter, then you only need to stipulate that you want your doctorate). 2: Your specialization and interests 3: A brief introduction to your own research background -- at least.
My(B) research interests include the fields of sociology of medicine, health and illness, social epidemiology, HIV/AIDS, women’s health, global inequality and the effect on the health of the poor and public health. [This sentence is really awkward to me. "My research
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As an extension of my medical missions’ experience in Papua New Guinea, I plan on continuing to support and participate in volunteer trips that focus on health education programs and promote community-based health care.
I(A) believe that completing a B.S. in Biology and a B.A. in Sociology has prepared me for a career in teaching and researching in the medical and sociological fields. Working as a laboratory assistant for my university’s Biology department has given me not only the opportunity to work closely with a professor, but also a small preview of higher education teaching as well as a desire to teach and invest in the lives of undergraduate students. [This experience (A BS and working with a professor is experience that is convincing enough to let me admit you in my program. Talk more about this experience and what knowledge, research methods, and other intellectual pursuits you gained]. I(A) am confident that my academic strengths combined with my personal passions and experiences will be excellent assets to Purdue
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I disagree with your last point, schools want to know you want to get a job that requires the PhD (like a professor) and that there is a reason you want to get a phd other then just that you like going to school. I agree the OP has way too much there, but they need at least a line or two about future plans. But probably a line or two at the most is enough.
oh and the distinguish university thing- OP- instead you can say "A research-focused university" which is basically the same thing, but sounds better.
I agree, it's important to show what you want to do - you just don't have to make a laundry list of it because that's not what an adcom is really looking for.
Thank you so much! Your comments are very helpful. I have quite a bit of work to do lol :) I am considering UPenn along with some other soc./demography programs.
Comments 21
- Delete the entire first paragraph. It adds nothing. Similarly, delete the paragraph about PNG, especially since a paragraph should have more than one sentence.
- No need to say when you plan to graduate or that you want to be a professor. Actually, I think you express WAY too many career goals in this paragraph. Focus on telling them what research you want to do as a Ph.D. student and why. The rest is superfluous.
- You are very vague about your preparation. Not sure why you list your degrees but you don't need to. Instead, demonstrate specific skills (research, laboratory, life experience) that you have that will help you succeed as a graduate student.
- You left the name of the university in the last paragraph, which, by the way, adds nothing new to your statement.
In a nutshell, as written, this is both vague and uninteresting. Not a good combination.
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My(B) research interests include the fields of sociology of medicine, health and illness, social epidemiology, HIV/AIDS, women’s health, global inequality and the effect on the health of the poor and public health. [This sentence is really awkward to me. "My research ( ... )
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I(A) believe that completing a B.S. in Biology and a B.A. in Sociology has prepared me for a career in teaching and researching in the medical and sociological fields. Working as a laboratory assistant for my university’s Biology department has given me not only the opportunity to work closely with a professor, but also a small preview of higher education teaching as well as a desire to teach and invest in the lives of undergraduate students. [This experience (A BS and working with a professor is experience that is convincing enough to let me admit you in my program. Talk more about this experience and what knowledge, research methods, and other intellectual pursuits you gained]. I(A) am confident that my academic strengths combined with my personal passions and experiences will be excellent assets to Purdue ( ... )
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oh and the distinguish university thing- OP- instead you can say "A research-focused university" which is basically the same thing, but sounds better.
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