So I'm applying to grad schools for Sociology this Fall, but my statement still needs ALOT of help! please post some constructive criticism? limit is 300-500 words
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As an extension of my medical missions’ experience in Papua New Guinea, I plan on continuing to support and participate in volunteer trips that focus on health education programs and promote community-based health care.
I(A) believe that completing a B.S. in Biology and a B.A. in Sociology has prepared me for a career in teaching and researching in the medical and sociological fields. Working as a laboratory assistant for my university’s Biology department has given me not only the opportunity to work closely with a professor, but also a small preview of higher education teaching as well as a desire to teach and invest in the lives of undergraduate students. [This experience (A BS and working with a professor is experience that is convincing enough to let me admit you in my program. Talk more about this experience and what knowledge, research methods, and other intellectual pursuits you gained].
I(A) am confident that my academic strengths combined with my personal passions and experiences will be excellent assets to Purdue University. Completing my doctoral degree in Sociology from XXX will equip me with the knowledge and skills necessary to achieve my professional goals and make a positive change in the lives’ of my students and of others.
1: A, B, C above are where I note how you are beginning the a sentence. You begin a sentence with "I" 5 times, "My" 3 times, and "In" 3 times. Might want to spice it up a bit ;) 2: This is really unorganized 3: The writing needs to be tighten up 4: You don't focus on how the schools meshes with your personal philosophies, research interests. Have these professors published in your area? Have you read their articles? Do you fully agree with them? 5: What you do with the degree really doesn't matter; hell, most students who go into PhD programs end up ABD (All-but-Doctorate) and find other professions that they would never have dreamed of doing but are happy with nonetheless. You may end up the same way. I would really cut out most of this undergraduate dreamer philosophy and focus on the now, not the future. (I say undergraduate dreamer philosophy because this is seriously what high schoolers write when they apply to undergraduate institutors. In that case, it's fine. Dream! Dream big! Here? For graduate school? Not so much.) 6: I would seriously sit down, and outline a statement before I rewrite. This really needs about 80% rewriting and work on it before I'd submit here again.
I(A) believe that completing a B.S. in Biology and a B.A. in Sociology has prepared me for a career in teaching and researching in the medical and sociological fields. Working as a laboratory assistant for my university’s Biology department has given me not only the opportunity to work closely with a professor, but also a small preview of higher education teaching as well as a desire to teach and invest in the lives of undergraduate students. [This experience (A BS and working with a professor is experience that is convincing enough to let me admit you in my program. Talk more about this experience and what knowledge, research methods, and other intellectual pursuits you gained].
I(A) am confident that my academic strengths combined with my personal passions and experiences will be excellent assets to Purdue University. Completing my doctoral degree in Sociology from XXX will equip me with the knowledge and skills necessary to achieve my professional goals and make a positive change in the lives’ of my students and of others.
1: A, B, C above are where I note how you are beginning the a sentence. You begin a sentence with "I" 5 times, "My" 3 times, and "In" 3 times. Might want to spice it up a bit ;)
2: This is really unorganized
3: The writing needs to be tighten up
4: You don't focus on how the schools meshes with your personal philosophies, research interests. Have these professors published in your area? Have you read their articles? Do you fully agree with them?
5: What you do with the degree really doesn't matter; hell, most students who go into PhD programs end up ABD (All-but-Doctorate) and find other professions that they would never have dreamed of doing but are happy with nonetheless. You may end up the same way. I would really cut out most of this undergraduate dreamer philosophy and focus on the now, not the future. (I say undergraduate dreamer philosophy because this is seriously what high schoolers write when they apply to undergraduate institutors. In that case, it's fine. Dream! Dream big! Here? For graduate school? Not so much.)
6: I would seriously sit down, and outline a statement before I rewrite. This really needs about 80% rewriting and work on it before I'd submit here again.
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