So I'm applying to grad schools for Sociology this Fall, but my statement still needs ALOT of help! please post some constructive criticism? limit is 300-500 words
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1) This is very disordered. For example, " As an extension of my medical missions’ experience in Papua New Guinea, I plan on continuing to support and participate in volunteer trips that focus on health education programs and promote community-based health care." should be right after you mention the experience in the first place.
2) Get rid of the first paragraph, it's superfluous. Use the extra words to flesh out your research interests.
3) Focus on what you want to do in research, rather than spending a paragraph on what you're going to do after graduation, that's fine for one sentence or so, but you really need to tell them what you want to research while you're in their program.
4) You mention too many interests. I would suggest narrowing it down to 2-3, directly applicable to the research you plan to do. Especially outline how what you want to do fits in with Profs XXX and YYY and their work, other than "similar to mine".
5) Reorder, condense, reorganize. Start with your current qualifications and expand your discussion beyond what's on your transcript. Then move into what you want to research and who you want to work with (this should be the bulk of what you wrote, because it's most relevant to them.) Finally, a brief sentence mentioning future career goals should go in before your summary paragraph.
6) Your summary paragraph is weak. This is not a cover letter, it's a chance to show them how you really will fit into their program and how perfect you would be. Rewrite this after revamping the rest of your essay.
Oh, and also. "my medical missions’ experience in Papua New Guinea" THIS SORT OF THING right here is what you want to talk about - that is what is going to make you stand out from the sixty other applicants that also want that spot. You need to talk about this experience in detail, not as a half-sentence throwaway. This would make a great personal anecdote of the type lostreality is suggesting. It's interesting, personal, and highly relevant to what you want to do with the degree in future, and can be tied into what research you want to do in grad school. My suggestion would actually be to ditch what you've got right now and start with a focus on that experience and how it ties together your past experience and future plans.
As an extension of my medical missions’ experience in Papua New Guinea, I plan on continuing to support and participate in volunteer trips that focus on health education programs and promote community-based health care." should be right after you mention the experience in the first place.
2) Get rid of the first paragraph, it's superfluous. Use the extra words to flesh out your research interests.
3) Focus on what you want to do in research, rather than spending a paragraph on what you're going to do after graduation, that's fine for one sentence or so, but you really need to tell them what you want to research while you're in their program.
4) You mention too many interests. I would suggest narrowing it down to 2-3, directly applicable to the research you plan to do. Especially outline how what you want to do fits in with Profs XXX and YYY and their work, other than "similar to mine".
5) Reorder, condense, reorganize. Start with your current qualifications and expand your discussion beyond what's on your transcript. Then move into what you want to research and who you want to work with (this should be the bulk of what you wrote, because it's most relevant to them.) Finally, a brief sentence mentioning future career goals should go in before your summary paragraph.
6) Your summary paragraph is weak. This is not a cover letter, it's a chance to show them how you really will fit into their program and how perfect you would be. Rewrite this after revamping the rest of your essay.
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