Over it.
I vented to a good friend tonight after a moment of realization, yielding the following conclusion:
I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING A DOORMAT FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDS, COWORKERS, CLASSMATES, AND ROOMMATE(S).
It needs to END--YESTERDAY.
I love being there for my friends, I love giving as much of myself to them as I can. Heck, I'd do it for strangers, so why not for my friends? If I can make something work, if I can do it without a huge sacrifice (or even with a huge sacrifice, at times) why not? But ya know what, recently, every single time I do something like that for a friend, that person just ends up walking ALL OVER ME and treating me like pure and utter shit.
I've ranted about the roommate situation, but here it is again: none of the nice little things I do are returned. Every time I make dinner, I make enough for them. Every time I go to the supermarket, I ask to pick up stuff for them. Every time I'm home and E's dog needs to go out, I take her out. Every time I'm in a bad mood, I force myself to be nice and keep it from affecting them. What do I get in return? When I was sick and couldn't cook for myself, they had friends over and made dinner--do you think they offered me any? NO. They threw out the leftovers instead. When I was too sick to clean up, do you think they did? NO. They just kept making a mess and expected me to either clean it, or deal with the messiness. When E is in a bad mood, does she just deal and not let it upset me, too? NO. She yells at me for no good reason and is generally bitchy--slamming shit and just being mean. When I try to share and be friendly, am I met with kindness? NO. I told M that I saw an add for a roommate (before I got a new one) saying that they wanted a large room with tons of windows--the bedroom for rent didn't have that, so M said, "Why don't you give him your room and just move into the living room, it's not like you ever have overnight guests. *laughs*" ASSHOLE!!! Not only that, but I KNOW E has the money to pay her half of the utility bill (she has savings and I don't) but she hasn't paid her half in ten days--I fronted the money to pay the bill. TEN DAYS since I paid the bill. Seriously. And then I asked her to pay it, she told me "she'd get to it when she could." SERIOUSLY?!?!?! We're not going to be roommates as of Nov. 1, but it's getting to the point where I'm not even sure that I want to be friends anymore, either. There's a level of selfishness that, even if unintentional, is simply unacceptable and unforgivable.
The list goes on and on--friends who take my help for granted. Friends who expect me to wake up at 2am to talk them down from the same panic attack that they've been having for the past five years. Friends that expect me to keep my shit together and be there for them, and when I call are too busy to talk. Friends who get angry at me for not picking up the phone--AT THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING--when they have a philosophy paper due the next day.
Seriously, I'm fucking OVER it. Those things merely scratch the surface of my past week--the girl I babysit's father yelled at me for NO good reason and FORGOT to pick up his daughter for a high school interview, thus forcing me to cancel plans to take her there myself. The universe also hates me, as I got a flat tire--of course, after I took a friend out for an expensive dinner and a movie for her birthday. Two good friends got violently ill after drinking way too much at another friends' house, and I cleaned up after them. Do you think that either of them said thank you the next day? No. I haven't even heard from one of them at ALL.
I don't think that knowing the result of these actions, I would even consider going back and changing them (if that were even possible). I refuse to let the selfishness and inconsideration of others change how I treat those I care about. However, it does make me feel animus towards those individuals--animus that I've been FEELING GUILTY about having!!!
All of this and I keep doing nice things for people--today, after being at school from 8:30am to 6:30pm, I went to babysit for friends last minute (at 6:45pm--fifteen minutes after I got home). What made me finally realize that I need to STOP being a carpet, doormat, etc., is that the friends I babysat for were actually REALLY nice about it! They gave me a bottle of wine, and thanked me profusely. However, the thing that really got me to realize how badly I've been treated recently (and why I've been in such a god damned bad mood) is the fact that I was SHOCKED by their thanks. They called me and asked me to babysit for three hours, starting TEN MINUTES after they called. After being at school all day, I went anyway--and took great care of their son, played with their dog, and washed their dishes. Honestly, I had gotten to the point where I expected NOTHING from them--not even a thank you--so when they DID thank me (and even give me a nice bottle of wine!) I was shocked. SHOCKED! At that moment, I realized just how low my standards have fallen and how badly I'm letting everyone treat me. Maybe it's because the roommate situation has hammered me down and made me feel horrible about myself, but maybe it's more than that. I'm not yet sure of the reason, but regardless, it has to stop.
Forget it--I'm over it. I'll only do nice things for people who show me respect, and I'll call people out who don't show me that respect when it's deserved. Also, I think I need to watch "The Hours" and have a good cry.
Finally, I think that this trend (amongst some other crap) has made me pretty damn depressed, hence a lack of LJ posts. Let's hope that changes now that I've thought about it and gotten it all out of my system.
NOTE: This is IN NO WAY applicable to ANYONE on my f-list, if it were I wouldn't have posted about this at all. *HUGS FLIST* I <3 you all!!!!! :D
I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING A DOORMAT FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDS, COWORKERS, CLASSMATES, AND ROOMMATE(S).
It needs to END--YESTERDAY.
I love being there for my friends, I love giving as much of myself to them as I can. Heck, I'd do it for strangers, so why not for my friends? If I can make something work, if I can do it without a huge sacrifice (or even with a huge sacrifice, at times) why not? But ya know what, recently, every single time I do something like that for a friend, that person just ends up walking ALL OVER ME and treating me like pure and utter shit.
I've ranted about the roommate situation, but here it is again: none of the nice little things I do are returned. Every time I make dinner, I make enough for them. Every time I go to the supermarket, I ask to pick up stuff for them. Every time I'm home and E's dog needs to go out, I take her out. Every time I'm in a bad mood, I force myself to be nice and keep it from affecting them. What do I get in return? When I was sick and couldn't cook for myself, they had friends over and made dinner--do you think they offered me any? NO. They threw out the leftovers instead. When I was too sick to clean up, do you think they did? NO. They just kept making a mess and expected me to either clean it, or deal with the messiness. When E is in a bad mood, does she just deal and not let it upset me, too? NO. She yells at me for no good reason and is generally bitchy--slamming shit and just being mean. When I try to share and be friendly, am I met with kindness? NO. I told M that I saw an add for a roommate (before I got a new one) saying that they wanted a large room with tons of windows--the bedroom for rent didn't have that, so M said, "Why don't you give him your room and just move into the living room, it's not like you ever have overnight guests. *laughs*" ASSHOLE!!! Not only that, but I KNOW E has the money to pay her half of the utility bill (she has savings and I don't) but she hasn't paid her half in ten days--I fronted the money to pay the bill. TEN DAYS since I paid the bill. Seriously. And then I asked her to pay it, she told me "she'd get to it when she could." SERIOUSLY?!?!?! We're not going to be roommates as of Nov. 1, but it's getting to the point where I'm not even sure that I want to be friends anymore, either. There's a level of selfishness that, even if unintentional, is simply unacceptable and unforgivable.
The list goes on and on--friends who take my help for granted. Friends who expect me to wake up at 2am to talk them down from the same panic attack that they've been having for the past five years. Friends that expect me to keep my shit together and be there for them, and when I call are too busy to talk. Friends who get angry at me for not picking up the phone--AT THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING--when they have a philosophy paper due the next day.
Seriously, I'm fucking OVER it. Those things merely scratch the surface of my past week--the girl I babysit's father yelled at me for NO good reason and FORGOT to pick up his daughter for a high school interview, thus forcing me to cancel plans to take her there myself. The universe also hates me, as I got a flat tire--of course, after I took a friend out for an expensive dinner and a movie for her birthday. Two good friends got violently ill after drinking way too much at another friends' house, and I cleaned up after them. Do you think that either of them said thank you the next day? No. I haven't even heard from one of them at ALL.
I don't think that knowing the result of these actions, I would even consider going back and changing them (if that were even possible). I refuse to let the selfishness and inconsideration of others change how I treat those I care about. However, it does make me feel animus towards those individuals--animus that I've been FEELING GUILTY about having!!!
All of this and I keep doing nice things for people--today, after being at school from 8:30am to 6:30pm, I went to babysit for friends last minute (at 6:45pm--fifteen minutes after I got home). What made me finally realize that I need to STOP being a carpet, doormat, etc., is that the friends I babysat for were actually REALLY nice about it! They gave me a bottle of wine, and thanked me profusely. However, the thing that really got me to realize how badly I've been treated recently (and why I've been in such a god damned bad mood) is the fact that I was SHOCKED by their thanks. They called me and asked me to babysit for three hours, starting TEN MINUTES after they called. After being at school all day, I went anyway--and took great care of their son, played with their dog, and washed their dishes. Honestly, I had gotten to the point where I expected NOTHING from them--not even a thank you--so when they DID thank me (and even give me a nice bottle of wine!) I was shocked. SHOCKED! At that moment, I realized just how low my standards have fallen and how badly I'm letting everyone treat me. Maybe it's because the roommate situation has hammered me down and made me feel horrible about myself, but maybe it's more than that. I'm not yet sure of the reason, but regardless, it has to stop.
Forget it--I'm over it. I'll only do nice things for people who show me respect, and I'll call people out who don't show me that respect when it's deserved. Also, I think I need to watch "The Hours" and have a good cry.
Finally, I think that this trend (amongst some other crap) has made me pretty damn depressed, hence a lack of LJ posts. Let's hope that changes now that I've thought about it and gotten it all out of my system.
NOTE: This is IN NO WAY applicable to ANYONE on my f-list, if it were I wouldn't have posted about this at all. *HUGS FLIST* I <3 you all!!!!! :D