Relationship Commandments
I came to Bardo Coffee Shop to write, not to write about Aaron.
We've been married for three weeks now, and I've tried to leave him twice - on our honeymoon. It's been horrible, though I know some of it is my fault. I don't think it's necessarily been my fault on the honeymoon, but I have a ton to do with contributing to how things are currently going. Because I don't want to spend so much time, I want to say that I'm impressed with myself and my epiphanies and my willingness to admit them all to Aaron and apologize hugely.
My anxiety is currently through the roof because I'm afraid of his regard for me. I'm terrified of more arguments, of telling him things I need and having him push back.
Essentially - and I have not used this word with him - I've tried to be extremely controlling because I'm too close to him and see him as an extension of myself. Why do I see him as an extension of myself? Because I started becoming codependent when we moved in together.
- There were a lot of reasons I felt off kilter when we moved in together - one being that he suggested Rob first moved into our house with him, another being that he was a huge hoarder and used to living in a space that resembled a hurricane's aftermath (with all counter-space filled with things, drawers filled with piles of sample bottles and random things he'd used once and were expired, etc.).
But I honestly thought I had to get him into shape as soon as possible before I lost my mind, and then I also had this notion that partners in a relationship were supposed to do EVERYTHING together, except for those things they scheduled apart. As Aaron and I are both extremely independent people, this made both of us unhappy, but I was the one enforcing it. The increased time together made me far more attuned to his shortcomings, which I'd try to fix. This morning, I was honestly thinking to myself, I have to just let him do what he wants and not interfere. The thought produced a visceral reaction within me, which I observed and which actually surprised me. I took pause and stopped washing my face (I was in the shower, you see), and told myself, "Uh-oh. You actually are afraid of not controlling him. What the holy fuck." And I'm still realizing all this shit because while I don't think he's as intuitive as me, I think he is very intuitive, and he MUST know I'm like this. Someone can feel this amount of control. It's hostile and...yes, critical. I don't feel like I'm being critical a lot of the time; I feel like I'm controlling myself and feel like I should be LAUDED for it. Oh boy, in writing this I realize how severely fucked up I've been. No wonder I feel like he's not receptive when I have conversations with him about things I want him to change. He must think I want him to change something all the time, and he's gotta be tired of it. Like, he feels under the magnifying glass all the time - and I can't lie, he has been because we are ALWAYS together unless he tells me he HAS to have time alone. Not only that, but when we're together, I always want to talk and try and figure out what's going wrong, and the things I've been saying are wrong are not actually the problem. The problem is that I'm controlling.
So, why am I controlling? Because I'm afraid. I liked him to begin with, but I saw things I didn't like, and I want them to stop. The more I saw them, the more I wanted to tell him not to. Everything is on a rubric. How's he doing now? How about now? Did he do that thing right that we discussed? I can be annoyed at things, but that doesn't mean I get to CONTROL the situation. And I've been looking at control as "teaching," which is a much cozier way to tell myself. And teaching puts the burden on me. I have to fashion this boy into a man. How fucking egotistic.
The other thing I have to realize is that no one is perfect. They tell you this, and it's cliché, but it's another epiphany when it sinks in. I've been so embarrassed of Aaron, honestly, because he's totally rough around the edges. He says rude things, at times, and sometimes has bad manners. He can be grumpy or assumptive. But, honestly, I look at my friend's boyfriends/husbands; they're all weird, too. Katrina's boyfriend, Brett, is quiet and seems to be judging everyone or maybe shallow; Rachel's husband went through all my books and shouted that he likes to get "Fucked up!" before saying he wasn't drinking at our party because it was Lent; Anetta's husband has been a total asshole when playing board games, and he hardly talked to me before he met Aaron. So...Aaron's fine. I can tell him to fix his manners, but it has to come from a different place...because he can FEEL where my ask is coming from, and he can't totally describe it because I haven't told him. He tells me it's my body language or it's my tone. Or, he'll think I've said If it's either of those things, he has to be SUPER perceptive because I'm hard to read.
On top of that - and I'll never bring this up to ANYONE - I think the way I've spoken to him about some things may have been pretty fucking awful. I'm ashamed of it. I have flipped the fuck out and straight out yelled at and sworn at him that he's a child and that he can't control himself or that he's disrespectful to me, etc. I mean, I think I was right about some of those things, but the way I've done it is despicable. I honestly would never stay with a partner if my partner did that to me. He's crawled up to fetal position before or hidden his face in his hands while I've flipped out at him. That's terrible and not unlike what would happen between John and me. Scary. Just so awful and scary. And then, after those times, I'd say I was leaving him. I've told Aaron I was leaving him so many times that he feels shaky and like he needs to reclaim himself by pushing back. Because how can you be left - especially as a man - so undignified, by not fighting back, and then feel like you won't even get to stay in the relationship? Jesus. No wonder. NO WONDER he's been pushing back and "acting out."
And I have no patience. I honestly flip the fuck out at him and act this way for a week, and then I decide that I'm going to have a nice, calm talk with him, where I essentially prostrate myself before him, and he's supposed to be soft and sweet back to me. At this point, I can't imagine he trusts me at all. I must seem unhinged. Well, I have been unhinged. So...
I need to FIX this.
But I am impatient, and our time together has been terrible because he's been getting tired of this. I think I also fucked our wedding up because not only has he been high pressure from work and a million problems, but also from us. I think he doesn't realize the extent to which this whole thing is my fault, which is probably a good thing, because I want him to still try and not put the fixing of the relationship all on me, but I need to act differently to create new patterns. I've been powerful enough to create this problem; I can fix it, too. But it's going to take time, and I'm going to have to learn how to be patient. And we're going to have to learn how to be together again.
Anyway, I need to make rules for myself so that I don't fall back into this pattern. How about I start with 10?
Relationship Commandments
1. Before texting him, always ask: Am I texting him out of love or fear? (Often, I text him to confirm that he'll respond to me and see if he answers nicely, and then I'll judge him based on the sentiment I perceive in his texts)
2. I do not have control over how he spends his time. His time is his to do with as he pleases.
3. Do not expect to spend time or do anything with him unless we have plans to do so.
4. Stop trying to teach him how to conduct himself. (I can get annoyed and ask him to stop doing something if it's bothering me or someone else, but I can't do so with the intention of "fixing" him)
5. Do not set aside time, hoping he asks you to spend it with him. (You have your own life, and you will begin to resent him if you feel you're giving when it's both unreciprocated and unappreciated)
6. Do not neglect self-growth or doing the things that make you happy. (Or else, you'll resent him for it and be terribly unhappy as a person. Don't worry about his growth - you fell in love with him for a reason, and he'll take care of himself)
7. In arguments, stick to the point and do not bring up other times he's done the same thing or what you think it may mean, etc., even if he does. (Stop escalating the problem. Watch the Esther Perel youtube on this, as you both have to work on arguing properly)
8. When he is stressed, hyper, or acting in some way that you can't stand to be around, you don't have to be around him. (You can tell him why, if you're supposed to spend time together, but otherwise, just excuse yourself and Take Tasha Time)
9. Do not say you'll leave him. (This is breaking him and eroding the trust he has for you. Why will he keep trying if you tell him that it's over? This corrodes loyalty and love, and it lowers his confidence and increases his feeling of rejection)
10. Stop prostrating yourself before him and being so "gentle" in arguments that you start pleading with him. (This is how you convince yourself that he's being "abusive," which he's not. There's no need for you to sink this low. It's confusing for him and terrifying for you. And it has never achieved its desired effect. Stay even-toned, if possible, but do not act self-effacing).