(no subject)
I am unhappy with my relationship, and all I can think of is how much I want a separation, how happy I was in my own space, with freedom and adventures and the world open to me. I don't want to be with a partner who always has something wrong with him - he's too tired, this hurts or that hurts, or he's hyper or he's "just low energy." I'm tired of it. I'm not having fun around him. He's so far from even-keeled. And then he's gross and unhygienic and doesn't like to sit and just have a drink with me, or he orders three drinks at a restaurant and drinks a quarter of two of them. Numerous friends have told me he cuts them off mid-sentence and talks over them or say they told him things but don't think he heard them. I want to be with an intellectual, if I'm going to be with someone, not a Nintendo-loving guy who's thoroughly entertained by party stores and confetti and unoriginal jokes, who quotes the Simpsons and picks apart films like Amelie for being corny but thinks "Dead Pool" has hidden meaning. He's not romantic, and when I'm with him, I have a hard time relaxing. He is unaware of himself and how he comes off to people. He thinks people are "so unaware of themselves" when they walk into him but doesn't realize he backs into people or talks over them all the time. He doesn't zip his pants all the way up and wears clown shoes. He likes being "absurd" and dresses as such.
I guess, in short, I'm done with him. I don't think I'll ever get married again. There isn't passion between us, and I don't think there ever was, so it's easier for me to break this one off emotionally. There's so much effort and so little payoff. We want different lives and different lifestyles. His jokes seem convenient to me. He talks down to me at times or just doesn't care about what's important to me. Sex is not what it used to be for me.
He won't forgive me for having said his friend, whom I treat extremely well, is trash when his friend talked about how "wet" I got on his couch that I left a puddle. Unprompted. His brother told me I should dance on a stripper pole, said the "n" word in my house, and then spoke abusively to his girlfriend, so I called him trash, too. My feelings don't matter. What matters is that these other people are close to him.
I've really had enough of him. I don't feel these fundamental differences are enough. I think I'll start with a separation and get a sublet, then we can see each other periodically. Then we can get a divorce. I'd like to be divorced from him by the time I turn 33, which I can do. It take 90 days of separation and then the divorce can go through, once both parties sign, I believe.