Beginnings and Continuations and Changes
Whatever that title means.
Anyway, here are some things:
- I've been knock-me-out happy in my relationship for awhile now. We have tiffs, but Doron and I are so head over heels for each other, it's ridiculous. I wrote Josh last week, "If Doron were to ask me to marry him, I'd say yes." For some reason, I wanted him to know that. I guess because I've wanted it so badly for such a long time now. It's an insane feeling, an unfamiliar feeling, almost, to just want to marry someone because you don't know how to be further in love with them. He's all I want, and I just want to spend my life with him, and he with me. We tell each other that all the time.
- Becca told me last night that she's secretly engaged to Jonathan, and I cried out of happiness. I surprise myself with my spontaneous emoting, sometimes. But, God, that just makes me so happy. She is so, so happy. She and Jonathan started dating about three months before Doron and I did. I wish Doron and I were on the same time schedule, but he still has to finish school and save some money, and I know we both want things to happen when they're right...but when I told Doron, he was happy, but the two of us had a noticeable moment of silence, and then we got into a strange, pointless fight afterward - our first fight in a couple weeks (we made up about an hour ago, and all is wonderful again).
- I went to the worst reading of a play last night. A play about Jewish women in 1941 Auschwitz, written by a non-Jew and performed by non-Jews. I wonder if she'd ever met Jews before. The writing was so horrible, besides the fact that it was anachronistic. But the experience made me ask myself why I'm so afraid of my own writing, which can be very good. I've submitted about five stories in my life. Two of those received great responses from McSweeney's and Seventeen Magazine. I never submitted again after McSweeney's, even though they told me to let them know I was encouraged to submit to them, when I submit any subsequent pieces. It's so stupid: I just haven't known how to draft a submission letter.
- Tonight, I'm giving a presentation to a group of hotline trainees tonight at the Movement to End Sexual Assault. I'm speaking for 10 minutes on my 5 experiences, and then I'm doing a Q & A. I'm nervous and uncomfortable, but the center has helped me so much that I want to give back and help other women.
- I am down to my goal weight after my stomach flu, but now I'm freaked out about gaining the weight back. Doron is concerned I"m not eating now, and I know I'm too old to be anorexic again or be like this. I'm wondering why I am regressing, what's going on with me psychologically that I can't feel sexy at my body's healthy weight. I also know that if I lose more weight, then I will be about ten pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago. That's severely unhealthy, but I'll freak out to put any of it back on. I need to talk to Doron about it and figure this out.
- I sent Quinn an email - our first communication in three years. I think about her almost every day and am still filled with sadness about the whole thing. I know I was such an idiot when I was with John, on and off, and she tried to be there for me. Because we had a past relationship of co-dependence, I acted dependently on her when i went through all of that, but she wasn't in that place anymore, and the relationship became too toxic for her. I was selfish and unfair, and I think she had to cut off ties with me before she brought a child into the world. I don't blame her, and I wrote her a letter trying to explain how sorry I am and how much I appreciate what she did for me. I don't want anything from her, and I'd frankly be a little scared to read any response she might have; I don't want to be rejected verbally again and would prefer to just have her not respond. I don't even know if friendship would make sense, at this point, since we're in such different places in life and are probably much different people (I know I am, and I know motherhood changes you). But, regardless, her memory still means so much to me, and I feel I ought to do my best to express my feelings and my realizations as to what my abusive relationship turned me into and what it made me responsible for. I just hope my email isn't interpreted as selfish, since it's largely about me and how I realize an abusive relationship is like an addiction and ruins your life and relationships. I guess it's out there. Now I can just try and release it. I wish it would stop causing me pain, though; I feel my world hasn't been quite right in years because of this.
- I'm SO behind on work. What the fuck am I doing writing in here?
Anyway, here are some things:
- I've been knock-me-out happy in my relationship for awhile now. We have tiffs, but Doron and I are so head over heels for each other, it's ridiculous. I wrote Josh last week, "If Doron were to ask me to marry him, I'd say yes." For some reason, I wanted him to know that. I guess because I've wanted it so badly for such a long time now. It's an insane feeling, an unfamiliar feeling, almost, to just want to marry someone because you don't know how to be further in love with them. He's all I want, and I just want to spend my life with him, and he with me. We tell each other that all the time.
- Becca told me last night that she's secretly engaged to Jonathan, and I cried out of happiness. I surprise myself with my spontaneous emoting, sometimes. But, God, that just makes me so happy. She is so, so happy. She and Jonathan started dating about three months before Doron and I did. I wish Doron and I were on the same time schedule, but he still has to finish school and save some money, and I know we both want things to happen when they're right...but when I told Doron, he was happy, but the two of us had a noticeable moment of silence, and then we got into a strange, pointless fight afterward - our first fight in a couple weeks (we made up about an hour ago, and all is wonderful again).
- I went to the worst reading of a play last night. A play about Jewish women in 1941 Auschwitz, written by a non-Jew and performed by non-Jews. I wonder if she'd ever met Jews before. The writing was so horrible, besides the fact that it was anachronistic. But the experience made me ask myself why I'm so afraid of my own writing, which can be very good. I've submitted about five stories in my life. Two of those received great responses from McSweeney's and Seventeen Magazine. I never submitted again after McSweeney's, even though they told me to let them know I was encouraged to submit to them, when I submit any subsequent pieces. It's so stupid: I just haven't known how to draft a submission letter.
- Tonight, I'm giving a presentation to a group of hotline trainees tonight at the Movement to End Sexual Assault. I'm speaking for 10 minutes on my 5 experiences, and then I'm doing a Q & A. I'm nervous and uncomfortable, but the center has helped me so much that I want to give back and help other women.
- I am down to my goal weight after my stomach flu, but now I'm freaked out about gaining the weight back. Doron is concerned I"m not eating now, and I know I'm too old to be anorexic again or be like this. I'm wondering why I am regressing, what's going on with me psychologically that I can't feel sexy at my body's healthy weight. I also know that if I lose more weight, then I will be about ten pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago. That's severely unhealthy, but I'll freak out to put any of it back on. I need to talk to Doron about it and figure this out.
- I sent Quinn an email - our first communication in three years. I think about her almost every day and am still filled with sadness about the whole thing. I know I was such an idiot when I was with John, on and off, and she tried to be there for me. Because we had a past relationship of co-dependence, I acted dependently on her when i went through all of that, but she wasn't in that place anymore, and the relationship became too toxic for her. I was selfish and unfair, and I think she had to cut off ties with me before she brought a child into the world. I don't blame her, and I wrote her a letter trying to explain how sorry I am and how much I appreciate what she did for me. I don't want anything from her, and I'd frankly be a little scared to read any response she might have; I don't want to be rejected verbally again and would prefer to just have her not respond. I don't even know if friendship would make sense, at this point, since we're in such different places in life and are probably much different people (I know I am, and I know motherhood changes you). But, regardless, her memory still means so much to me, and I feel I ought to do my best to express my feelings and my realizations as to what my abusive relationship turned me into and what it made me responsible for. I just hope my email isn't interpreted as selfish, since it's largely about me and how I realize an abusive relationship is like an addiction and ruins your life and relationships. I guess it's out there. Now I can just try and release it. I wish it would stop causing me pain, though; I feel my world hasn't been quite right in years because of this.
- I'm SO behind on work. What the fuck am I doing writing in here?