In an effort to be good to myself
Play...
To me, play can be-and should be-something that goes on my entire life. It is about enjoying random things. It's about not attributing a weight to so many things. Not everything needs to be serious. So many things should be less serious. It is about trying a bunch of different things that I'm interested and seeing what I like, just for the hell of it? Because, why not? Then I could find things I really enjoy.
Things are so serious right now. They're so weighted by expectations I have of myself, pressure I exert upon myself, judgements I put on everything that doesn't need to be judged.
Why shouldn't I learn about making jewelry or become a sommelier or take belly dancing classes? Why shouldn't I take the free Hebrew lessons offered at the JEC or sign up for the painting with wine or go to lectures on astrology? Who do I think is judging me so harshly? Whom am I trying to impress by staying away from these things that I'm not sure about. If I'm interested, I should explore! I should play. I should lighten the fuck up.
Today, I wrote to Mike Warren about voice lessons. I spent the morning and early afternoon at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I started planning my trip to New Orleans with Becca.
My friends have checked in on me, and I'm doing okay. I'm numb and a bit in denial, but I'm okay. I've succumbed to watching Sex and the City for comfort. I drank half a bottle of wine last night. I keep thinking of good and terrible things John has done. The way he's treated me-both good and bad ways. He was wonderful at times, and then he was horrid at others. I don't think I was ever horrid to him. He fucked me up, for sure...but I held fast to my principles for the most part. What an odd thing love is.
To me, play can be-and should be-something that goes on my entire life. It is about enjoying random things. It's about not attributing a weight to so many things. Not everything needs to be serious. So many things should be less serious. It is about trying a bunch of different things that I'm interested and seeing what I like, just for the hell of it? Because, why not? Then I could find things I really enjoy.
Things are so serious right now. They're so weighted by expectations I have of myself, pressure I exert upon myself, judgements I put on everything that doesn't need to be judged.
Why shouldn't I learn about making jewelry or become a sommelier or take belly dancing classes? Why shouldn't I take the free Hebrew lessons offered at the JEC or sign up for the painting with wine or go to lectures on astrology? Who do I think is judging me so harshly? Whom am I trying to impress by staying away from these things that I'm not sure about. If I'm interested, I should explore! I should play. I should lighten the fuck up.
Today, I wrote to Mike Warren about voice lessons. I spent the morning and early afternoon at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I started planning my trip to New Orleans with Becca.
My friends have checked in on me, and I'm doing okay. I'm numb and a bit in denial, but I'm okay. I've succumbed to watching Sex and the City for comfort. I drank half a bottle of wine last night. I keep thinking of good and terrible things John has done. The way he's treated me-both good and bad ways. He was wonderful at times, and then he was horrid at others. I don't think I was ever horrid to him. He fucked me up, for sure...but I held fast to my principles for the most part. What an odd thing love is.