(no subject)
I don't think I've lost weight, yet. How long has it been? I guess since Saturday. I need to be more patient, though I'd have liked to see the beginnings of a change today. Maybe it's the bag of carrots I've been eating for a snack, or breakfast. I never used to eat breakfast. How could carrots be making me gain weight, though. Well, the one thing I won't do is give up. I'm in it now, so I either just feel proactive and eat less or get depressed and naturally eat less. I already started this day of badly, though, by eating two sausages (chicken), instead of one-I've been trying to get 30g of protein 30 minutes after waking up. I wonder if that's just a bunch of bullshit.
I've stopped having fun out here. I don't know why that happened, and I don't know how to reignite it. I think I just need some down time and some writing time to feel like I'm doing something with my life that's worth anything to me. I don't know how to get out of this slump. I feel like I have nothing right now. I don't have any friends that I value out here-there's no one I want to see or spend time with, including Josh. I just realized that I bend over backward for Angelica and she gives me absolutely nothing in return; even when I try to bring up one of my own problems, she brings it back to herself so quickly that I don't get a chance to even begin to feel supported. Yet, I've gone to her yoga events and band shows (I've been the only one of her friends to go), gotten out of bed at night to buy her a drink when she's having a hard time, interrupted my work day to have in-depth conversations about her and where she's going in life. She doesn't even try to give me anything back. I can't do it. She's bringing me down, and she's constantly telling me that "we're getting old." Fuck. STOP IT. And I have my own fucking problems. I'm so fucking depressed that I can't just spend my free time bringing her up when she doesn't reciprocate. She doesn't know how, but that's just the point. I need to surround myself with people who really do actually give a damn about me.
And I don't have anyone like that here.
In Boulder, I had Quinn, Leah, Kirsten (though that was sad at the end), my parents, David, Katrina, Jess, Liz...
I guess life changes as time goes on, and you meet new people and go through dry spells. I guess I'm in a dry spell. The key to New York, though, seems to be that it's the best or worse city in the world because you can be surrounded by people but truly alone. That's good sometimes and terrible at others. I'm afraid I'll never find someone to love me here. I was told it'd be tough when I moved here. Why is that the first thing I heard? Ugh.
It all just sucks. I can't be here too long. I need to figure out something to make me happy. I need to get out of my writing slump and just work on my new idea, no matter how shitty.
Alright, time to go to that stressful place where I literally don't see the sun for 9 hours (when I come out, it's dark-added bonus!).
I've stopped having fun out here. I don't know why that happened, and I don't know how to reignite it. I think I just need some down time and some writing time to feel like I'm doing something with my life that's worth anything to me. I don't know how to get out of this slump. I feel like I have nothing right now. I don't have any friends that I value out here-there's no one I want to see or spend time with, including Josh. I just realized that I bend over backward for Angelica and she gives me absolutely nothing in return; even when I try to bring up one of my own problems, she brings it back to herself so quickly that I don't get a chance to even begin to feel supported. Yet, I've gone to her yoga events and band shows (I've been the only one of her friends to go), gotten out of bed at night to buy her a drink when she's having a hard time, interrupted my work day to have in-depth conversations about her and where she's going in life. She doesn't even try to give me anything back. I can't do it. She's bringing me down, and she's constantly telling me that "we're getting old." Fuck. STOP IT. And I have my own fucking problems. I'm so fucking depressed that I can't just spend my free time bringing her up when she doesn't reciprocate. She doesn't know how, but that's just the point. I need to surround myself with people who really do actually give a damn about me.
And I don't have anyone like that here.
In Boulder, I had Quinn, Leah, Kirsten (though that was sad at the end), my parents, David, Katrina, Jess, Liz...
I guess life changes as time goes on, and you meet new people and go through dry spells. I guess I'm in a dry spell. The key to New York, though, seems to be that it's the best or worse city in the world because you can be surrounded by people but truly alone. That's good sometimes and terrible at others. I'm afraid I'll never find someone to love me here. I was told it'd be tough when I moved here. Why is that the first thing I heard? Ugh.
It all just sucks. I can't be here too long. I need to figure out something to make me happy. I need to get out of my writing slump and just work on my new idea, no matter how shitty.
Alright, time to go to that stressful place where I literally don't see the sun for 9 hours (when I come out, it's dark-added bonus!).