I Deserve Happiness and Stability
I see people really happy in relationships. After years, they still just want to kiss each other all the time or smile innocently at one another. I want that. I don't need it, but I never had that with John. I never felt happy like that. I want the beginning stages of a relationship and the infatuation stage, but I also want what comes after that: I want the bond, the friendship, the trust and love that comes with mutual appreciation and respect. I want what everyone else has that I've never gotten to have because I haven't looked for people who appreciate me that also appreciate themselves. I've only looked for men who like me for all the wrong reasons and don't know how to appreciate the rest of me; I've only looked for men that haven't worked hard on themselves, and thus can't appreciate what I've worked to become.
I'm depressed for so many reasons. I want to go back to Colorado, but I honestly don't think it'd be good to go back with John still there. I don't know how to make it on my own and my motivation is gone. I need help, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just get a shitty job somewhere. I feel like I've been saying that for awhile. Truthfully, I don't even know if I can get a shitty job. I don't know what I'm worth except for what I know I'm worth inside my head. I'm not sure that makes sense. It's that I know I'm spectacular, but I don't know how to show or prove how I am to anyone else.
I'm going to spend the day at the Cloisters by myself tomorrow. I've never been and I've never been so far away from everyone I know before. It'll take a few hours to get there. I didn't know the Cloisters existed, but I think they might do everything for Hanno. I need them for Hanno. I think they'll give me some peace, too.
I'm depressed for so many reasons. I want to go back to Colorado, but I honestly don't think it'd be good to go back with John still there. I don't know how to make it on my own and my motivation is gone. I need help, and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just get a shitty job somewhere. I feel like I've been saying that for awhile. Truthfully, I don't even know if I can get a shitty job. I don't know what I'm worth except for what I know I'm worth inside my head. I'm not sure that makes sense. It's that I know I'm spectacular, but I don't know how to show or prove how I am to anyone else.
I'm going to spend the day at the Cloisters by myself tomorrow. I've never been and I've never been so far away from everyone I know before. It'll take a few hours to get there. I didn't know the Cloisters existed, but I think they might do everything for Hanno. I need them for Hanno. I think they'll give me some peace, too.