Going Through Moleskin #1: Things I Did for John

[antiqrule1]

So, I'm going to go through this first moleskin now and remove all the pages that pertain to John. To make myself feel better and to stop myself from becoming sentimental, I'm going to make a list in here of the things I find in the moleskin that pertain to him, because I guarantee you there will be few, if any, things listed that he did for me. I'm going to list out what I find to show myself how much I fucking did for him, to show myself how amazing I was to him. Okay...here we go:

1. Wanted to open a savings account and put aside money every month. The account would be called "John's Boat Fund," and we'd be able to buy him a boat by the time we were 50.
2. I wanted to make a scrapbook of our Venice trip.
3. Cleaning schedule for John's house.
4. Drawings of John: "Mi amore Gianni Gaspare." "Yes, Gianni Gaspare DiPalma, I will marry you; I will be your wife."
5. "The Never Ending John Love List" - a list of many of the things I loved about John.
6. More drawings of John. One's really good. Fuck him; my drawing is awesome: 
   
7. How to take Jester for a run (because John wouldn't)
8. Take John apple picking
9. An 8-page entry talking about a horrible fight John and I had over John's not being supportive of me and becoming violently angry with me. Wanting to call off the engagement.
10. Being unhappy with myself because of adderall
11. Entry about how I was losing myself with John
12. I created a list of rules for arguments because John didn't know how to fight fairly
13. House projects
14. Couple's therapy notes
15. Saddest breakup song for John and I "Something About Us," Daft Punk
16. I left John (11/1/10)
17. Present ideas for John: Collection of poems handwritten in Journal
18. Poem for John titled "How Much I Love You." It's a crappy poem, but I'll write it out anyway:

              I love you so much I'd begin again and again,
              I love you so much I want your happiness when I'm broken into tears,
              I love you so much that seeing you fills me with too many feelings to decide on just one
              I love you so much taht your kindness dissolves my madness,
              I love you so much that I fell desperately in love four times for you.
              I love you so much taht you somehow become more and more attractive to me with each new white hair.
              I love you so much I forget myself 
              I love you so much that I'm hypnotized by your pensive eyes.
              I love you so much taht I even love your singing
              I love you so much that, though fate may separate us, 
                      John Gaspare DiPalma,
                      I will 
                          never
                          ever 
                              E
                              V
                              E
                              R                           
                              Let you go.
              Dec. 2010, John and Tasha 4.0

• 19. List of frustrations: not fair last night, blown out of proportion, so hard to get through to him, I've been sick the whole day, He won't listen to what I have to say, he's so reactionary, He's immature
• 20. Notes for talking to John when he was in California-this is the conversation in which he screamed at me so loud on the phone that my mother could hear him down the hall (which he denied he was even raising his voice) and in which he was so abusive that I hung up on him (and then he got unbelievably angry with me later for hanging up on him. This is after I tried to collect my thoughts regarding our earlier conversation that day, in which he told me he'd been doing pain killers again. I have written down a quote from him: "I realized I had issues with the relationship or else I never would have chosen to jeopardize the relationship [by doing drugs]." Another quote: "When I'm with you, all my bad traits come back." He also said that the stress from the relationship caused him to do painkillers again. He also told me that he said a lot of bad things about his family to me because he thought I didn't like them, and that if I weren't around, he'd spend way more time with them.   WOW. I'm keeping this in here. What a fucking fucking fucking asshole. 
• 21. A song/poem thing to end the journal:

                Dear Gaspare,
                Let us run away together,
                We'll sail across the salty,
                bumpy, wave
                -ed sea.
                You'll steer us away from the storms,
                I'll spare the fish and fry the seaweed

You'll work your magic and transform my salty tears,
                into thousands and thousands of stars
                to pepper the ocean's night sky
                And I'll sing folk songs about tousle-haired lovers who reunite.
                And while your dark skin is kissed by the pride of the golden-browed sun,
                I'll be laying in the long and narrow shade of the bow,
                admiring the god you have become.
                And when the scent of the sea breeze forever weaves itself into our silky, curled hair,
                And our blood runs the color of wisdom, and our smiles are filled with the best Homerian passages,
                We'll whisper, "I love you," without looking at one another,
                But while clasping hands as tightly as a clam shell is closed
                upon the sacred creation of a pearl.
                And we will be king and queen,
                Heroes to the sea,
                Heroes to the truest virtue,
                Despite having surrendered ourselves to it:
                Love.

I think I'm going to need therapy. I can't believe how much anger is coming out. It's because I've never been allowed to be angry in my relationship with him. Here it is. Here it all is, coming out. Jesus. I'm so angry, I'm shaking right now.