Fuck the reading competition: Email correspondences
Tasha Shayne11:15 PM (17 hours ago)
In fact, I think I'm going to announce tomorrow that I'm out of the competition. I'll say I have too much stuff going on or something.
Josh Shayne joshshayne@gmail.com
7:22 AM (9 hours ago)
to me
No, Tashi! Please stay in. It'll be fun. And it won't be the same without you. The point is just for everyone to read more. Don't quit just because Mom is involved.
I love you - let's just have fun -- it doesn't have to be a conflict -- it can be a way to bring everyone closer.
Mwah!
Josh
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Tasha Shayne
12:43 PM (3 hours ago)
to Josh
Blegh. It was really just supposed to be between you and me, and then we got into relationships and were inclusive. But I really didn't want anyone else involved. It was our thing. And now Mom's being obnoxious with it. She was the last person I would have wanted to join. Even her facebook update was aggravating. This doesn't bring us closer. And she's decided her main competition is you, and I find that just insulting. I don't need that right now. I wish Robin didn't ask her to join. This was something I thought was special between you and me. I really didn't want anyone else to join. I'm not mad at Robin because I know she thought nothing of inviting anyone else, but it wasn't really hers to invite other people to. I'm not one of those people who is fine with including everyone in the things I do.
I hope you understand. I'm aggravated with the situation, and I really wasn't happy with the prospect of inviting Tyler to join, either. I don't know if I'll drop out or not. I'll try to decide by the end of the week.
This is no longer fun for me.
Josh Shayne joshshayne@gmail.com
3:58 PM (43 minutes ago)
to me
Hi Tashi -
Hi Tashi -
I'm sorry to hear that you're frustrated by all this and can see where you're coming from. The reading competition began between you and me and has always been lots of fun and ultimately about challenging each other to read more. In this new form, it can still be that. It can still have that same effect. I love you and very much enjoy doing this with you -- it wouldn't be anywhere near as enjoyable for me without you.
Robin was just trying to be friendly -- she didn't view it as something just between you and I, but something between the three of us. Her feelings were hurt the other day when you and I were deciding rules over email without her -- that's why I brought up the rules when the 3 of us were there again -- To make sure she felt included and that we were all in it together. I'm sure she didn't anticipate that there would be any problem inviting Mom, having no reason to assume that that would create conflict and being unaware of previous family dynamics.
But perhaps this is a good impulse that she has to invite people on board -- I've felt for a long time that we should be more inclusive -- particularly of Mom -- even if it has been against our inclinations in the past. Perhaps this inadvertent invitation is actually a push in the right direction. It's hard to go through life balancing relationships so precariously and would be nicer if we could all just get along peacefully with one another -- especially over something like this that we can all enjoy independently and will enrich all of our lives and our connection to each other. Being apart from the rest of you is hard for me sometimes and it is nice to have something to stay in touch about and do together. I especially like the idea of writing notes about what we've read to one another -- it makes reading less isolated and is a nice way to share ideas intellectually. Perhaps when you move to New York, you'll feel the same way and take pleasure in sharing with Mom and Dad.
Lastly, I think that Mom can be a good addition to the reading competition -- she's smart and thoughtful and is a genuinely giving and nice person. I have had my annoyances with her personality too over the years and can sympathize with your concerns in part - but for all the things we can do together, this seems fairly innocuous. Despite those concerns, it seems essential to let go of them and continually give her another chance. I'm happy to have her on board. And as far as her assuming I'm the major competition -- you should go kick her butt reading-wise and show her. You've beaten me more than once and I know you can be a lean, mean, reading robot machine when you want to be.
Yes, this is different than the one on one competition that you and I started over 15 years ago when I was 12 and you were 9. But isn't that okay? There may be new meaning to find in it, new ways for it to feel special. Very little stays the same -- we can enjoy the things of the past while also enjoying the way they've changed in the future. In these last 15 years, we've evolved and grown as a family and I'd like to think this could grow into a nice family tradition in the future. And that means having you at the core of it.
All I can say is that I hope you'll decide to stay on board. I love you very much. Not everything has to be hard. Situations and relationships are what you make of them.
You're a lovely, spirited, happy individual -- embrace that at every turn. It will make life easier for everyone you interact with, but most of all it will be easier and more pleasant for you.
Hopefully, this hasn't sounded too didactic. You're the greatest and I just want you to stay in the reading competition and be happy. I just want you to be happy in everything that you do because you're my little sister and I love you so very much.
Love,
Your brother Joshi
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I understand what he's saying, but this sucks. This is not what I want. And the line "You're a lovely, spirited, happy individual -- embrace that at every turn. It will make life easier for everyone you interact with, but most of all it will be easier and more pleasant for you" is rather hurtful to me. It will make life easier for everyone I interact with, but most of all me? Jesus. I know none of this is meant to be anything other than sweet and understanding, but lines like that hurt, especially when he's not really all that accepting of me most of the time (which helps me to me feel worthless, actually). He doesn't get it, and that's okay. I just feel like I'm losing something I had with him, a piece of our childhood bond, I guess.
I'm sad. I guess he doesn't know very much about me. I realized that my family really has no idea who I am or how I act around other people. They don't know I'm shy, kind, generous, caring, extremely sensitive, meek, reserved, willing to go to the ends of the earth for anyone. They don't know I'm the kind of person who gets walked all over and rolls over when friends ditch me or when someone abuses me. They think some nice things about me, but think I'm stubborn, unwilling to see things through, impatient, unresolved, anti-social, imprudent, and wont to victimize myself. I hate how they see me.
Wow...Kirsten really does have good timing sometimes. She just texted me: "U r beautiful, funny as shit, brilliant, creative, smart, compassionate, brave, resiliant, intuitive, resourceful & a-fucking-mazing." And now: "And very importantly, u r so sexy. If i were a lesbian, id be all over dat shit. Seriosly. i love you!" haha. That definitely helped a little.
God, I need to get out of this depression. I need to have a serious talk with Josh, though. I also wish he'd explained to Robin, or at least acknowledged to me, that the competition was just the two of ours, and we were letting Robin join. I would have told someone that.
Also, we've been doing it since I was 5 and he was 8, not 9 and 12. We were in Florida when we started, and I was in 2nd grade. Hmm...maybe that made me 6 or 7. I just did the math: I was 6 and he was 9.