Pain and Suffering. Even hearing the name "John" feels painful, which makes me so sad.
I think I'm doing a good job of distancing myself from John since coming back from Denver. I think it's happening naturally because I'm being more honest with myself about him. He's full of excuses; he's immature; he doesn't treat me like I'm anything special.
And there's a new one for me this past week that's made a huge difference: He doesn't make me feel good about myself.
And I deserve to feel good about myself. I really do. I'm a really good person. I try to make other people, including him, feel good about themselves. I try to make people happy. I'm not selfish. He can't even apologize sincerely, without getting mad at me because he "feels so guilty," when he hurts me. I think I've been in an abusive relationship. I think. When you have someone who treats you with anger when he's done something to you, because he feels badly about it-that doesn't feel right. When you have someone who is dishonest and manipulative to get his way-that feels so wrong. He will use my love for him as a weapon, manipulating me with such things as his own suicide. I'm being vague on purpose.
I'm so frustrated because I'm so hooked with him. He's tender and nice when he feels I'm actually pulling away. Then, as soon as I'm emotionally involved again, he treats me almost...cruelly. I know he traumatized me the last time I was in Denver, and I hate that he did because his traumatizing me because a point against me for him. That's unfair. I was traumatized by a couple things actually, but there was only one thing that was newly traumatizing-the rest just deepened other traumas. I was crying because he hurts my feelings, and he pulled me into a hug on his lap, then became very angry with me when I was there. I can't ever have that happen again, or else I will be afraid of hugging people after any kind of a fight. I know I will be-it's just who I am.
Look at that-I just caught myself feeling bad and like I'm too sensitive because I could become traumatized by something. I'm scared of my own hurt. I've started looking at myself as an agressor because I'm the victim. Now that's fucked up.
I constantly feel that I'm fighting a battle with myself over him. How amazing that he has me fighting that battle for him. One side of me is saying that I should never talk to him again because he's just so incredibly toxic for me; the other side is too sentimental. I'm constantly reminded of him by music, places, objects...laying in bed. I remember things way too well-I remember moments and things that are said like they're scenes from movies.
I'm tired of being heartbroken. I'm tired of wasting so much time on him. I'm tired of feeling stupid, ugly, unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated. I'm tired of times like when I tried to tell John I wrote a really great noir story, he responded by saying, "I'm hungry." I'm tired of being hurt and feeling old and hearing apologies spoken in an unapologetic way. I'm tired of questioning my sanity. A part of me really does hate him; a part of me refuses to give up hope.
God, I'm ready to be happy. I don't know what the hell to do with myself. I worry that some people might think I enjoy torturing myself with this. I absolutely hate it. It's just a horrible, horrible cycle that I'm stuck in. I hope/think I'm getting out of it. But I don't even trust myself saying that. How awful.
I worry about hurting my father with this, too. Just a passing thought, but I thought I should write it in here. I worry about hurting him because he loves John. I made him love John. He's as loyal as I am and I feel like I've just been tossing him around with this relationship. I'm sad I've ruined things. How many chances will he give the men I bring into my life in the future? It'd be great if my mother stopped telling me about how this whole John thing was affecting the two of them.
God. I'm 25. I need to be happy at some point and feel young and happy and free and beautiful and talented. This is supposed to be the time of my life. Not that life ends in my 30s, but I need to experience love and happiness and beauty in my 20s-unfettered for more than 4 months.
And there's a new one for me this past week that's made a huge difference: He doesn't make me feel good about myself.
And I deserve to feel good about myself. I really do. I'm a really good person. I try to make other people, including him, feel good about themselves. I try to make people happy. I'm not selfish. He can't even apologize sincerely, without getting mad at me because he "feels so guilty," when he hurts me. I think I've been in an abusive relationship. I think. When you have someone who treats you with anger when he's done something to you, because he feels badly about it-that doesn't feel right. When you have someone who is dishonest and manipulative to get his way-that feels so wrong. He will use my love for him as a weapon, manipulating me with such things as his own suicide. I'm being vague on purpose.
I'm so frustrated because I'm so hooked with him. He's tender and nice when he feels I'm actually pulling away. Then, as soon as I'm emotionally involved again, he treats me almost...cruelly. I know he traumatized me the last time I was in Denver, and I hate that he did because his traumatizing me because a point against me for him. That's unfair. I was traumatized by a couple things actually, but there was only one thing that was newly traumatizing-the rest just deepened other traumas. I was crying because he hurts my feelings, and he pulled me into a hug on his lap, then became very angry with me when I was there. I can't ever have that happen again, or else I will be afraid of hugging people after any kind of a fight. I know I will be-it's just who I am.
Look at that-I just caught myself feeling bad and like I'm too sensitive because I could become traumatized by something. I'm scared of my own hurt. I've started looking at myself as an agressor because I'm the victim. Now that's fucked up.
I constantly feel that I'm fighting a battle with myself over him. How amazing that he has me fighting that battle for him. One side of me is saying that I should never talk to him again because he's just so incredibly toxic for me; the other side is too sentimental. I'm constantly reminded of him by music, places, objects...laying in bed. I remember things way too well-I remember moments and things that are said like they're scenes from movies.
I'm tired of being heartbroken. I'm tired of wasting so much time on him. I'm tired of feeling stupid, ugly, unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated. I'm tired of times like when I tried to tell John I wrote a really great noir story, he responded by saying, "I'm hungry." I'm tired of being hurt and feeling old and hearing apologies spoken in an unapologetic way. I'm tired of questioning my sanity. A part of me really does hate him; a part of me refuses to give up hope.
God, I'm ready to be happy. I don't know what the hell to do with myself. I worry that some people might think I enjoy torturing myself with this. I absolutely hate it. It's just a horrible, horrible cycle that I'm stuck in. I hope/think I'm getting out of it. But I don't even trust myself saying that. How awful.
I worry about hurting my father with this, too. Just a passing thought, but I thought I should write it in here. I worry about hurting him because he loves John. I made him love John. He's as loyal as I am and I feel like I've just been tossing him around with this relationship. I'm sad I've ruined things. How many chances will he give the men I bring into my life in the future? It'd be great if my mother stopped telling me about how this whole John thing was affecting the two of them.
God. I'm 25. I need to be happy at some point and feel young and happy and free and beautiful and talented. This is supposed to be the time of my life. Not that life ends in my 30s, but I need to experience love and happiness and beauty in my 20s-unfettered for more than 4 months.