Angry Tasha? Oh yes...my God, so angry.
I'm so confused as to how I feel about John. I've been trying to sort it out, and my feeling seem to change from day to day.
I love him, but the relationship is wrong. I don't know if it's capable of being made right. He doesn't seem to know how to give himself to me the way I'm able to give myself to him. I need someone who can love me the way I need to be loved. John was able to love me that way at one point, but he's no longer able to do that; so why obsess over it? Of course, if feelings were rational, this relationship would have been over long ago.
It hurts quite a bit to come to the conclusion that someone you've given yourself to WILL not give himself to you. He just isn't willing to take his mind off of himself for long enough to think about you the way you're capable of thinking about him. That hurts. "I love you" only means so much. And I know he loves me, in his way. But it's a very selfish, lazy way of loving.
And I do believe he's a very selfish person. I don't believe he knows how to be any other way. It's the way he was raised. And I can have unlimited sympathy for how he was raised, but he doesn't even recognize his faults in this way. In fact, he doesn't recognize so many of his faults; he becomes a hypocrite. And he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. Or, he will take responsibility for them at one time but then deny them the next. He's immature.
And I'm lonely with these thoughts. All I want to do is love him, but I shouldn't go through this. He puts me through a lot, and it's really unfair of me to myself to think he won't do this again.
But then, I don't trust myself anymore. And it's frustrating that I don't. I know I can think all of this today and then look at it tomorrow and say, "But I love him." I hate myself for that. I hate loving what little he gives me and actually crying at night because he just won't give me more.
And I was thinking today that I'm through with his family. I'm just done. I have no more tolerance for the shit they've given me, and I'd be incredibly happy to never see another one of them again. They're rude, narrow-minded, partly racist, selfish, greedy, ignorant, and the list goes on. I love Italians, but they're not the Italians I've met. They're not warm or passionate; they're not inviting or kind; and they've been MEAN to me. I can't stand them. They want to know why I'm so quiet around them? I don't agree with a damn word any of them say. I can't say anything nice, so I don't say anything. They actually represent to me the exact part of America that I despise. Fox-loving, money-worshipping, Tea-Bagging, SUV-driving, arts-mocking, ignorant asses. John has always been a rebel, but he's been an ignorant rebel. He's doing the Occupy Wall Street stuff, but he can't engage in a conversation with me about why he's for it - other than that he is just angry about the country. There's no intelligence in pure anger. Rebel against your family in an informed way, if you're going to rebel against them. Get your facts in line.
I have a lot of anger. No kidding, right? I'm not sure it'll be alleviated. Something inside of me keeps telling me to move, to leave Boulder and go to New York. To run to New York. I want to reach my goal of $10,000 first. And I want to be wholly prepared to pass publishing house editing tests - for both AP and Chicago styles.
But I want to stay here for my parents and a couple of the friends I have. I love Quinn and Leah - they're the two that make me feel like staying here isn't horrible. Kirsten calls me one of her closest friends, but I think she's a bit bizarre - she's a little into metaphysical stuff...and not in a fun, playful way (like I want to do a Seance, but she'd take it wayyy too seriously).
I need to get my ass into gear and start planning for my life, though. It's passing me by too quickly working at Eco-Cycle. I hate it there. I hate the terminology the sociopath who's my boss uses. I hate phrases like, "closed loop communications," and how every time Deb is wrong and I catch mistakes, she tells me she's just "testing" me. Fuck her.
I'm angry today. This is new for me. I'm surprised at how angry I am. I think I shall work out tonight. Maybe I should work out now and do my editing studying after it. I have the energy now. I haven't worked out in quite awhile.
Well, that's all for now.
I love him, but the relationship is wrong. I don't know if it's capable of being made right. He doesn't seem to know how to give himself to me the way I'm able to give myself to him. I need someone who can love me the way I need to be loved. John was able to love me that way at one point, but he's no longer able to do that; so why obsess over it? Of course, if feelings were rational, this relationship would have been over long ago.
It hurts quite a bit to come to the conclusion that someone you've given yourself to WILL not give himself to you. He just isn't willing to take his mind off of himself for long enough to think about you the way you're capable of thinking about him. That hurts. "I love you" only means so much. And I know he loves me, in his way. But it's a very selfish, lazy way of loving.
And I do believe he's a very selfish person. I don't believe he knows how to be any other way. It's the way he was raised. And I can have unlimited sympathy for how he was raised, but he doesn't even recognize his faults in this way. In fact, he doesn't recognize so many of his faults; he becomes a hypocrite. And he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. Or, he will take responsibility for them at one time but then deny them the next. He's immature.
And I'm lonely with these thoughts. All I want to do is love him, but I shouldn't go through this. He puts me through a lot, and it's really unfair of me to myself to think he won't do this again.
But then, I don't trust myself anymore. And it's frustrating that I don't. I know I can think all of this today and then look at it tomorrow and say, "But I love him." I hate myself for that. I hate loving what little he gives me and actually crying at night because he just won't give me more.
And I was thinking today that I'm through with his family. I'm just done. I have no more tolerance for the shit they've given me, and I'd be incredibly happy to never see another one of them again. They're rude, narrow-minded, partly racist, selfish, greedy, ignorant, and the list goes on. I love Italians, but they're not the Italians I've met. They're not warm or passionate; they're not inviting or kind; and they've been MEAN to me. I can't stand them. They want to know why I'm so quiet around them? I don't agree with a damn word any of them say. I can't say anything nice, so I don't say anything. They actually represent to me the exact part of America that I despise. Fox-loving, money-worshipping, Tea-Bagging, SUV-driving, arts-mocking, ignorant asses. John has always been a rebel, but he's been an ignorant rebel. He's doing the Occupy Wall Street stuff, but he can't engage in a conversation with me about why he's for it - other than that he is just angry about the country. There's no intelligence in pure anger. Rebel against your family in an informed way, if you're going to rebel against them. Get your facts in line.
I have a lot of anger. No kidding, right? I'm not sure it'll be alleviated. Something inside of me keeps telling me to move, to leave Boulder and go to New York. To run to New York. I want to reach my goal of $10,000 first. And I want to be wholly prepared to pass publishing house editing tests - for both AP and Chicago styles.
But I want to stay here for my parents and a couple of the friends I have. I love Quinn and Leah - they're the two that make me feel like staying here isn't horrible. Kirsten calls me one of her closest friends, but I think she's a bit bizarre - she's a little into metaphysical stuff...and not in a fun, playful way (like I want to do a Seance, but she'd take it wayyy too seriously).
I need to get my ass into gear and start planning for my life, though. It's passing me by too quickly working at Eco-Cycle. I hate it there. I hate the terminology the sociopath who's my boss uses. I hate phrases like, "closed loop communications," and how every time Deb is wrong and I catch mistakes, she tells me she's just "testing" me. Fuck her.
I'm angry today. This is new for me. I'm surprised at how angry I am. I think I shall work out tonight. Maybe I should work out now and do my editing studying after it. I have the energy now. I haven't worked out in quite awhile.
Well, that's all for now.