Four Days After The Breakup
Reflections, lessons, thoughts.
The past few days have been really hard. I was finally able to sleep a little better. Wednesday morning I woke up feeling numb, but then the pain and emotions slowly rolled back in like dark storm clouds. I've already lost 4 pounds from my loss of appetite.
The crying didn't stop. I cried all day Wednesday and half of Thursday. It hurt everywhere so bad, so painful. I wasn't used to waking up in my own bed. I stuffed a bunch of pillows under my blankets to make it look and feel like another person is there. I wasn't used to complete silence; no text messages, no phone calls during his lunch and getting off work. No one to talk to about my day. I kept having that "I'm expecting something" feeling, when there was nothing to expect.
Changing my routine to not include him has been the most difficult part. I started texting a bunch of people to shove his text messages farther down my phone. I archived his FB messenger so that I wouldn't see him online. I still see him online in Pokemon Go though. He's continued playing... without me. Tomorrow is Pokemon Community Day, and I'm desperately trying to find other people to hang out with so I'm not alone. I won't abandon the things I love just because he's not included anymore. I loved Pokemon Go before him and don't necessarily need him. It means I'll probably be going to raid nights alone too.
Why Didn't I Just Delete Him?
People have asked, why don't I just delete him from everything? Well... it's because I don't hate him, I'm not mad at him, and I want to leave the door cracked for a possible future friendship. I want to stay on good terms, at the very least. I'm beginning to understand (I think) why he left this relationship. He had good reasons and he was doing the best thing for us both. He's going through extremely turbulent times that are about to get worse. So... I'd like to think I understand anyways. He told his best friend that things were just continuing to "build up." I sure wish he would have communicated with me about what was building up. He has a problem with keeping all his thoughts in his head expecting everyone else to know what he's thinking. His reality is too confined to his head and he has a hard time getting it out.
I often felt shut out. At first, he was very attentive the first few months and loving and caring. Things went south after my first week away from him. I went to New Mexico to spend time with my best friend New who I haven't seen since 2017. I told him I wasn't going to have good service and was going to be focusing on her. Apparently, he started panicking. He blew up on me one morning because I forgot to text him that I got home safely (We were tired, it was late, and we took an Uber from the bar because we were a little tipsy). He had no trust in my friend to keep me safe and protect me. He began telling me that my communication was horrible. That's so weird, I thought. My mom didn't call me the whole trip, she didn't sweat. She knows I'm a grown ass woman who can take care of myself. For God's sake, I went to Japan with my boyfriend when I was 18 for two weeks. That's when the trust and faith began to shatter.
After that, he started turning into a helicopter boyfriend. I had to start telling him where I was going, what I was doing, who I was going with, what time. He wanted all of the details because he said he is "a very curious person." I should have set a boundary, had a talk with him right there and then. I look back and feel disappointed that I didn't. I should know better, but I was infatuated and accommodated his insecurities.
I started getting really tired of him shutting down. I started trying to have difficult conversations, only to be faced with, "Your anxiety makes me feel like an asshole," or "Sorry, I'm insecure." It was always about how my fears and insecurities were making him fearful and insecure. He was victim blaming. Victimizing himself. This was so off-putting.
He never once told me he loved me. He said I love you to his family, his friends, his dog. Never me. I've come to accept the fact that Bryan either never got over his last relationship fully, that the last woman severely broke him, and/or I was his rebound. God, it hurts to know I was just a rebound. He still talked about his ex. He still had all her pictures. She was so ingrained in his memories. He rarely ever wanted to talk to me about his past. He was always so distant from me, both his physical and spiritual presence. He barely gave me the physical and verbal affection I so need an desire. Life was always about his agenda and I had to create my plans around his. He never wanted to spend time with my family, even though I volunteered countless hours and weekends with his family going to sports events (newphew and cousins), family holidays, and family hangouts. He was not interested in getting to know my friends and didn't want to be their friend. He told me that he always felt ignored around my friends and felt like the boyfriend accessory. He refused to accept that it's NORMAL to meet new people and that friendships have to be established when you first meet new people. His excuse was that we had formed a group, a community, before we met him and that there was no way possible for him to join. I don't think he understands how communities or friendships work. I feel sad that he created such an outcast narrative for himself. He always says he really wants to make new friends, especially healthy ones, but then tells me this crap about not being able to join any communities (All my friends loved him and wanted to get to know him more, so that was a load of bull). He continues to be in friendships that aren't healthy because he is comfortable and familiar in them. He's not willing to go outside his comfort zone, his house. He said he's a grouchy old man now. I guess he's right.
Bryan told me I didn't share enough with him about my life. Fact is, whenever I tried, he barely paid attention to what I said and usually gave me inattentive responses like, "Ah... fun." His body language never told me he was open to listening. He walked around the house staying busy like he was avoiding me. He never wanted to cuddle, he never wanted to kiss me. He even playfully pretended to avoid being kissed. He never wanted to really look at me much. He never asked enough questions. "What's your favorite photoshoot? What's the theme for your shoot today? Can you show me some of your favorite modeling photos? Can you share more sneak peeks with me? Can you tell me a story about ___insert topic__ from your past?" We only did this in the beginning, but eventually he didn't seem to care anymore. It hurt when he criticized me for being so shut down and unable to share with him. He never created an open, welcoming environment that indicated that he was really interested in my life.
Bryan is used to be being in abusive relationships because they are more familiar to him. I'm also used to being in the same boat, but I am always actively working through my trauma to become a better person and leave my comfort zone. I came into this relationship offering a lot of new experiences for him and he was insecure about being able to meet those expectations. His last relationship especially had a really low bar for healthy boundaries and respect. His ex controlled him and had many unhealthy rules. His friends didn't really like her, nor did his family. For example, he wasn't allowed to talk to his female friends at all and he was somehow okay with this. She bossed him around about many things. She ended up cheating on him with his best friend and leaving him because she claimed "You never made me feel like I was good enough for you," and something along the lines of not being able to deal with his chronic sad boy/sadness/depression. As my friend Rachael says, folks have to be ready to grow out of their trauma to not be intimidated by a healthy relationship. We did heal and grow a lot together, but it wasn't enough to keep us together.
He Gave Me Red Flags And I Should Have Paid Attention
Before we began officially dating, these are the things I said to him. I said that I am my own individual with my own hobbies and life coming together in a relationship. The other person has to be okay with me having guy friends, me being friends with some of my exes, and not have insecurity or jealousy issues. They also have to be okay with me modeling and shooting with lots of different photographers who are often male. I will not tolerate being controlled in any ways, such as told how to dress (anywhere or any reason), who I hang out with, and reporting my activities. I told him I don't want a helicopter boyfriend who needs me to constantly report my location, my departure and arrival times, what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc. I told him even my own mother never acted this paranoid and that I require trust. Trust. I asked for trust. I said that I will not tolerate abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional, verbal), and that all disagreements should be conversations. We went over the 20 questions list (basic questions like do you want to get married, do you want kids, what's your political world views, are you supportive of women's rights, etc). I told him I'm a queen and deserve to be treated as such. I told him that we need to communicate our thoughts and feelings and not leave each other in the dark. I told him that he needs to ask for consent whenever he's not sure. I told him I don't want anymore sad boys that aren't ever going to grow, heal, or find healthy ways to cope. I don't want another guy that has a psychotic mental breakdown. That all seemed to check out.
One thing he said in the beginning was a bit disturbing. When I said no sad boys, he said something that indicated that he wasn't going to be able to avoid that. He was already showing his insecurities and stating upfront that he wasn't willing to avoid being a sad boy. I think he even said something like, "I think you deserve better" or "I'm not going to be a very good boyfriend." It wasn't exactly that, but the point is that I didn't listen. When people make those statements, they're telling you ahead of time they've already given up and aren't interested in growing, getting out of their comfort zone, and trying to become a better person beyond their states failures.
I think he was lying to himself. He wasn't ready for a healthy relationship or partner. He wasn't ready to go out of his comfort zone to meet these expectations. At first, he totally was. He called me his queen, he communicated a lot. He didn't helicopter me. He was respectful and was always asking for consent for everything. He once asked me something like, "Hey, I like to often check in and ask how I'm doing in a relationship. I want to ask if I'm doing everything right and if there's anything you're concerned about and want me to improve." At that time, we were driving towards the Flower Lady shop past the graveyard in Tumwater. It was a sunny day. I remember thinking that he was so wonderful and everything was going so well. I had nothing to report back and said he was doing great. He never asked that question again. Thinking about this memory also reminds me of the time that I was freaking out, unable to find my water inner tube for my friend Rachael's lakeside birthday. He so kindly and graciously offered to let me borrow his. I came over and he hooked me up with several inner tubes and an air pump. I wasn't able to talk to him much that weekend due to bad cell service, but I remember being infatuated with his deep kindness.
I found this passage on an article I found online, and I think it really nailed my feelings in the head. Nailed what we were both feeling in this relationship.
Many of us pick partners who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to be less than desirable.
Reason #5: Familiarity
As human beings, we are drawn on an unconscious level toward the familiar. The experiences that make us who we are also influence whom we choose as a partner. Many of us pick partners who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to be less than desirable. For example, if our past was filled with feelings of rejection or inadequacy, we will be drawn to scenarios in which we feel the same way as adults. Imagine this scenario: You may be initially attracted to someone whose attention makes you feel good about yourself, but eventually, you start to notice that your partner is resistant to getting close and can be dismissive. This will in turn trigger your fear of rejection, validate that you feel inadequate, and trigger anxiety.
Let me be clear that your fear of inadequacy being validated does not mean you are inadequate. What it actually means is that you are being put in the position to confront this belief and to act from a place of self-worth. I want to challenge you to respond differently the next time you feel rejected in your relationship. Notice if there is a familiarity of the situation and ask yourself, “Am I OK with this? Is this what I want in my relationship?” If the answer is no, it is time to act. If you feel you can’t act on your own, it is time to reach out for help.
https://theeverygirl.com/6-reasons-we-choose-the-wrong-partners-and-stay-in-unhappy-relationships/
I want to end this entry by saying that Bryan is not a bad person. I still do and always will love him, but he was by no means ready for a relationship. He needs to be alone for quite some time, he needs to deal with his upcoming, despairing events, and he needs a lot of help and time to heal. He needs to find the desire to be a better person and work on his issues before he attempts another relationship. Still, I had the patience for him and always will. Maybe once we've had time to heal and grow, we will connect again someday. I sure hope so.