First Day After My Breakup
I've been through so many breakups.
That doesn't make today any easier. Right now, I'm supposed to be downtown doing Pokemon raid hour with my boyfriend. We're supposed to be frantically catching legendary Pokemon and cursing each failed attempt and celebrating when we finally catch the Pokemon. I had no idea last Wednesday was going to be our last day of this tradition. I had no idea that the night before last was going to be my last time sleeping in his bed. I had no idea that yesterday would be the last time I kissed him goodbye in the morning, telling him to have a good day and talk to him later. I just had no idea what misfortune was coming.
How we came together and what I miss.
I am reminiscing about last summer, when we first matched up and were talking on Tinder. We eventually had the most wonderful date at a restaurant in Olympia, followed by a long walk all over downtown finished with some drinks at Cryptatropa. We spent 3 months texting to make sure the other person wasn't some crazy psycho serial killer.
I miss him calling me on his lunches and when he got off work to talk about our days and thoughts. I miss the time I took him to the park to cheer him up after his ex-girlfriend said horrible, nasty things to him while returning some items. I miss the times he used to call me his queen. I miss when we used to hold hands in the beginning all around in public proudly. I miss staring into his hazel eyes. I miss the times he lifted me up into the air to hug me, sometimes flinging me over his back. I miss him always asking for my opinion when buying things (choosing colors, designs, etc). I miss the times that he told me stories about his past and showed me old photos. I miss all the times he spanked me, chased me, and tickled me. I miss the times when we made goofy noises at each other. I miss the times he would hide and scare me. I miss the times we would endlessly scroll through Tiktok together. I miss that time when he was so excited to get another hedgehog and how cute he was. I miss helping him name his hedgehog. I miss feeling like I was in some cheesy romantic 80s movie riding on the back of a jet ski holding onto him tightly. I miss riding on the back of his motorcycle and learning how to ride with him. I miss how much he cared about my protection and made sure I was fully geared up. I miss him telling me that I'm the most beautiful and sexy woman he's ever had. I miss the family parties and holidays. I miss going on hikes. I miss riding around in his truck going nowhere, just out for a drive. I miss that time that I was sick and we got Meconis and asked him if he was going to use the mayonnaise packet in a funny manner and had him laughing hysterically. I miss the times we went to the park at night and hung out on the jungle gym. I miss the times he would come over to my house and we would nervously hang out together (he was so scared to make the first move). I miss kicking his ass at Mario Kart. I miss going to Winco and him fearlessly getting a 5lb bag of gummy sharks. I miss going with him to family sporting events to support his nephew and cousins. I miss getting to borrow his clothes when I didn't bring enough over to his house because we are the same size. I miss being kissed on my forehead. I miss him asking me for interior design advice and trusting my opinion fully. I miss him asking for consent all of the time so respectfully. I miss watching him fall asleep on the couch watching anime. I miss that time he farted and the fan blew his fart in my face and I went under the blankets because I panicked and it was even worse while he turned on his side and smacked his lips with sleepy relief. He's never stopped laughing about that. I miss the time on my birthday when he collaborated with my best friend and bought me the best gift imaginable (pink and purple desk chair). I miss going to the mall with his friends and window shopping, staring at the amazing anime merch and fantasizing about all the things I wanted to buy him. I miss him introducing me to new and awesome anime. I miss getting to test his new iphone and taking pictures of falling snow. I miss being snowed in together for a week. I miss when he shaved his beard so I could see his face for a short while. I miss him and his Dad being helpful, doing various house projects and teaching me how to change my oil. I miss that time he got a new pressure washer and washed my car. I miss the times that he was Superman and knew how to solve my problems, like getting rusty screws off my license plate. I miss watching him get so giddy and excited about his favorite anime like My Hero Academia (especially All Might). I miss the few times we went to the gym together and worked out. He gave me some great advice. I miss the times when we bought birthday cakes for no reason because we craved cake. I miss his understandable addiction to frosted animal cookies. I miss watching murder mysteries on tv. I miss that time I poured my heart and soul into a painting for him. Getting to watch him open it was so exciting. It was so hard keeping it a secret. I miss the times when we were in his cramped bedroom at his parents dreaming about being in his new house. I miss touring his unfinished house and looking through the windows dreaming about the future. I miss his quirky obsession with jars. I miss the way he smells, which was always so amazing. I miss that time he brought me into his old job to show me off. I miss him buying me drinks and bringing home a whole bag of cake pops from work. I miss that time he invited me to the chili cookoff at his new job. I miss his therapy shopping and impulse purchases like the tiny diny (dinosaur) touch nightlight he got. I miss the times we took Link to Home Depot. I miss our plant adventures, going to the plant store downtown and getting all kinds of advice. We dreamed about future plants and how to display them in his house. I miss decorating his house for Halloween and Christmas. I miss all of the times that he constantly tried to improve my life and I always listened and took his advice seriously. All of it, indeed, improved my life. I miss the time we went downtown Olympia and I got dressed up and we giggled during Karaoke night. I miss the Pokemon community days when we walked around downtown for 5 hours catching Pokemon. I miss our silly contests for catching shiny Pokemon. Sometimes we would stop somewhere and get yummy food. I miss him supporting my Google reviews and shining his phone light so I could get better pictures. I miss the walks around his neighborhood and pointing out cool decorations like the suit of armor on someone's front porch. I miss fixing his clothes that started to get holes. I miss watching him play video games and "Oooing" and "awwing" at cool things he did. I miss him showing me things he loves and wants to buy on Etsy. I admire his strong support for small businesses and artistic individuals. I miss seeing his Adventure Time Finn Halloween costume. I miss our future dreams about going to Disneyland and camping in the Redwoods. I miss all the ideas we had that never came to fruition. I miss that time we were shopping for couches and he spontaneously asked if I wanted a photo together. I miss the time we went to the pumpkin patch and bought pumpkins for his porch. It took us a while to find the perfect pumpkins and carving them later. I miss taking Link on walks and watching him spin in circles doing his "I'm going to poop" dance. I miss playing fetch with Link. I miss silly dancing together. I miss listening to cool music together. I miss the times we went to the movie theater together. I miss him sending me selfies, especially work ones. I miss small road trips to Portland and going to IKEA. I miss that time we went to a concert together. I miss the day when I was so excited to officially begin dating him and was so happy and proud to call him my boyfriend. I miss the time we went to the bar arcade together. I miss his beanie collection and all of the colors he had them in. I miss putting Link's car seat in my car. I miss him always wanting to be the driver and trusting him with all my heart for everything. I miss going with him to the Chef Supply Store and buying cases of his favorite Bang energy drinks. To this day they still haven't added the barcode in their system. I miss him getting excited about metal stamps and borrowing one from work so he could put words and numbers on his keys. I miss going the hardware store and him getting excited about the key copying machine and getting several copies made. I miss our love for chicky nuggies (chicken nuggets) from McDonalds. I miss how supportive he was after my surgery and after my cat died on Christmas. I miss his dedication to not judging others, especially folks downtown, and giving one guy his leftovers. I miss shopping for candles and picking out good scents. He absolutely loved candles. One night he lit every candle in his house and surprised me with a lovely evening. I miss the night when he first setup the TV but didn't have cable yet, so we watched Adventure Time on DVD. I miss that one night we went to Wal-Mart and he helped me find a new sports bra. I miss the time that I had a garage sale and he sat with me for several hours even though it was boring. I miss the lists we used to make. I miss our Tuesday Taco nights. I miss throwing snow at each other. I miss the time that he randomly surprised me with a super cute rainbow Starbucks Tumbler that I still use everyday. I miss the time that we shopped for Brumates online and he let me pick out the styles/colors. I miss his love for cinnamon rolls, especially the Annie's brand. I miss the time that we were hungry, after shopping I think, and grabbed some Panda Express in Lacey. We were so hungry and it was so good. I miss the time that we wanted to get Cold Stone ice cream, but the line was insanely long so we bailed and got Dairy Queen. I miss the times that he would grab blankets and throw one at me on the couch. I miss the time he came over and I made breakfast and we sat on my back deck in the sunshine. I miss the time he came over and helped my friends and I clean the roof. He was so concerned about my safety and didn't my mom or me up there. I miss his love for sour patch blue big kids. We always tried to find them for him. I miss the time he helped my mom and me fix the gravel next to our garage patio. I miss the time he graciously helped me build my desk chair. I miss the time he took a load of boxes for me to the recycling center. I miss his love for Dutch Bros, he always got really yummy, fruity drinks. I miss that time we went to the Yelm Highway Starbucks across from the YMCA and he had a really complicated, long order for a coffee drink. This is because he used to work at Starbucks. He knew it was going to be a pain in the ass for them and tried to make the instructions very clear. I miss putting on Link's cute little dog hoodies. I miss that time we went on a late night Pokémon Go adventure that involved stopping at different gyms and Pokéstops to get our daily tasks and some achievements done. I miss that time he re-did the LED strip lights on the back of my TV. That was very nice of him. I miss that time we went to Happy Teriyaki with my family for my birthday and also went one time with his friend Parson. I miss all the times he taught me about Pokémon Go and how to play better. I miss the time we went to the Columbia Sportswear employee store and he got a matching grey OutDry (GORE-TEX) jacket based on my advice. He also got a backpack that he loves. I miss that time we went to the sex store together and were both really shy and embarrassed. I miss that time we went to Dirty Dave's, which was my first time, and he ordered a mushroom cashew pizza which was actually pretty good. I miss that time we got dinner at a restaurant in Tukwila called Moctezumas. I miss the time I helped him build his dresser from Ikea and help him perfectly hang artwork. He invested a lot of time teaching me how to do it. I miss that time we went on a walk around his parent's neighborhood. I miss that time he picked me up from the airport after I got back from New Mexico and we were panicking trying to find a gas station. I miss the time that we went to Brewery City Pizza with his friend Michael, who also brought a female friend. His friend Holly drunk called him while we were eating and wanted to talk to me on the phone. She kept telling me she loves me so much and that I was her favorite out of Bryan's partners. I miss the time that we watched this video on TikTok about a baby saying "What the hell" and would randomly say that to each other. I miss all the random times we twerked. I miss him being a speed demon in the car. I miss that time we went on a walk around Capital Lake but forgot to bring water. It was sunny and hot, making the walk a poor choice. I miss the water balloon fight on the Fourth of July at his aunt's lake house. I miss that time we went to Underhill Plants and I achieved my first 5 great throws in a row on Pokémon Go. I miss his love for the bags of Dilettante Double Milk Chocolate Peppermint TruffleCremes Chocolates from Costco. I miss all the times we went to the Mud Bay pet store together. One time we gotfood from California Tacos afterwards. I miss the time we went out to dinner with two of his friends and the girlfriend was selling these awesome, rainbow stickers. We bought several. He loved stickers so much like me. I miss the time he ordered a bunch of new plugs (and also asked me to help him pick them out) and bought me some nose jewelry. I miss the time he joined my friends and I at Pioneer Park for a picnic. We also explored the beach. I miss that time we went to Seattle to get vegan cinnamon rolls from his favorite place. They were the best I've ever had. He also took me to the Amazon Express store, since I had never been inside one. I miss the night he came over to Dean's house and played beer pong with a bunch of us. I miss the time I first saw him in person and it gave me butterflies. I remember thinking he was so incredibly attractive and handsome. I miss the time his family invited me to the lake and his Aunt pulled him, me, his nephew, and someone else on a water floaty and spent an hour taking sharp turns trying to knock us off. It was so scary at first but then very thrilling. I miss the times he used to stick his finger in my belly button and pull it out because it would make a suction sound. It always cracked him up. I miss the time we went to his friend Dustin's house to take care of his cat while he way away. Bryan kept trying to grab my booty while walking up the stairs and we were giggling and running as I tried to escape his feisty hands.
I miss the boring times too. Laying on the couch watching TV. Helping him put groceries away. Going grocery and errand shopping together. Cleaning the house together. Getting the trash and recycling out. Helping him park his truck. Make the bed. Making plans for the day. Deciding breakfast or lunch. Doing house projects like wall mounting the tv or moving furniture. Were these really boring though? I enjoyed doing everything with him.
What an amazing 6 months that was. I am so blessed I got to experience him in all these beautiful moments. If I was given the opportunity to do it all again knowing it was only going to be for 6 months, I'd still do it. We both grew so much during our relationship. We helped each other heal from so much trauma together. We learned and taught each other so much.
Troubles Grasping.
I was barely able to sleep last night, tossing and turning as my mind was filled with torment. My brain couldn't stop thinking about Bryan and all of the wonderful things we shared and did together. He used to tell me that I would only remember the worst moments more than the good times. He is so incredibly wrong. All i can do is sit here and think about every beautiful memory we made together. All I could think about last night were these memories. It was so shocking, I couldn't believe his decision. I still can't. Why did this happen??? Why me? Why again? Where did I go wrong? What's wrong with me? What could I have done different? Better?
I asked him why, and every time he told me it was because we couldn't communicate with each other. He said we couldn't get on the same wave length. He said it wasn't getting any better.
I was SO angry at first. What do you mean it's not getting better? Every person is different. There's no magical formula, no magical couple, no such thing as perfect. We need time to learn about each other, our wants, our needs, our desires, our ways of functioning. It's healthy to have disagreements. It's normal to go through a boring relationship phase after the "honeymoon" period ends. Love is not a Disney movie. Real love is about the dedication to a person, through good times and bad, because they have amazing qualities and want to be a team. Real love is being vulnerable, overcoming fear, and working through hurdles. Real love is created and worked for, not given out or handed on a silver platter. Real love takes a lot of work. Overall, things were getting progressively better in our relationship. Like a roller coster, it was not a linear straight-lined process. We were learning to speak up more, ask more questions, clarify things ahead of time. We were learning more about our needs and desires. Learning how to approach each other, how to talk to each other, what the other person needs. Things were getting overall, so it doesn't feel fair.
The compromises and effort I made towards the relationship.
He told me that when he's in a bad mood, he would appreciate me approaching him with a kinder, more caring tone of voice and asking what's wrong. Check. I did better after that. He told me that when he's feeling down and blah, it's usually not because of me and I shouldn't worry. Check. I stopped worrying after that or at least asked before assuming. He told me how to clean different areas of his house and what products and tools to use. Check. I respected his wishes and did better. He told me that when he plays video games, I'm allowed to still talk to him and that I'm not bothering him. Check. I learned it was okay to talk during his games. He told me I didn't make enough food for him one time. Check. So I learned his desired portion sizes or learned to ask every time, including if he wants a side. He told me how to cook his favorite macaroni, cinnamon rolls, and waffles. Check. He told me that he wants everything cleaned up before going to bed so he doesn't stress out over the mess the next morning. Check. I almost always cleaned up before bed. I always tried to go above and beyond, doing chores he might not have expected to cheer him up. He told me that when he falls asleep on the couch, I'm allowed to wake him up and invite him to bed. Check. I began to wake and invite him every night. He told me that I needed to let Link outside more if I had the time. Check. I made sure to let Link go potty outside more. He showed me how to use his stove, what tempt to cook with to not damage the pans, the appropriate knives to use for various things. Check. I noted everything. He always wants drinks in his Brumates with ice packs. Check. Pepsi lined up in the fridge a certain way? Check. All pants get hung to dry. Check. The cycle and temperature for washing clothes? Check. Where to park in the driveway? Check. Check. Check. Check. Is this not proof enough that we were getting better, learning to communicate more? He asked me to communicate with him more about my plans and locations. Check. How to fold his clothes? Check. Where everything gets put away? Check. How to make the bed, and wants it made every morning? Check.
Nothing I said changed the emotionless, painful look in his eyes. He looked so empty. So beaten. Why was he throwing all of this away? After everything we had built up, worked towards. All of the good times we spent together, all of the difficult times we spent together. We were a team, and a damned good one. We were both going through tough times and there for each other when things got hard. The other night, I was going through an extremely stressful time. I went home and talked to my Mom and texted him later because I didn't want to ruin his time with his friend. I thought that me opening up finally, even over text, was progress versus holding it in. I felt proud of myself for doing that. Apparently, that was the last straw. He interpreted that as me not being comfortable enough communicating with him.
He is beginning to approach a very dark time in his life. He's losing some family members. He's having a medical issues. He's afraid how serious they might be. I understand these things. I've been through both types of scenarios before. They are terrifying.
Why is his solution to leave? Isn't this what partners are for? Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. Every person goes through dark times. I'm here, I'm supportive, I'm more patient than I've ever been. I understand he isn't going to be okay for a long time. I am willing to accept him at his worst (which isn't that bad), so that I can appreciate him at his best.
He keeps saying I deserve better. He keeps telling me this is extremely hard for him. He keeps saying that I will find someone better. He keeps saying I don't deserve him or his troubles. He had tears in his eyes. He keeps saying it's not my fault. He told me nothing would change his mind. I told him this isn't the only solution and he didn't have to do this. He refused. So, why is he leaving? Why is he abandoning me? One day after our 6 month anniversary, a week before Valentines.
It still hurts.
I love him so much. He is such an amazing person. It hurts like fucking hell that I don't get to be with him anymore. I used to dream about marrying him and having kids, all of the time. It hurts like fucking hell that he thinks I can't handle being there with him in his darkest moments. It hurts like hell that he thinks he's a burden to me. It hurts like fucking hell that he's deciding what's best for me. It hurts like fucking hell that leaving me is the best solution in his mind. It hurts knowing that he won't ask me about what I truly feel and want. It hurts me that he thinks I cause him anxiety. I was so dedicated to improving our relationship that I'm starting counseling tomorrow.
I'm trying to take today moment by moment. It's been hard. I'm constantly running through cycles of pain, panic, despair, crying, and loneliness. It kills me not being able to see him. It kills me not being able to talk to him. It kills me that he lives 5 minutes away. It kills me that I will never find someone like him again. I don't want to either.
It's not everyday you find a guy who's comfortable with his sexuality and masculinity. Someone who loves video games and motorcycles and handiwork and cars, but also candles and cleaning and so much artwork hung around the house. He has great taste in everything.... clothes, interior design, household objects... he was the most well groomed man I had ever met. Always clean shaven, styled his hair ever so perfectly, wore good smelling cologne, loved body lotion. He really believed strongly in self care and presentation, I respect that so much. He is so handsome and has the most amazing tattoos... especially a Legend of Zelda tattoo. He has his ears gauged and owns so many cool and unique plugs. He loves to watch anime, play Pokemon, and has the cutest dog in the world which he named Link. I really loved the fact that he's so incredibly cheerful and polite in public, always asking people about their day and starting conversations. I remember one time he rolled down the window to tell someone that their outfit was amazing. I really admired how he always told people that he appreciated them. I began to adopt this too. We grew up in the same town and enjoyed a lot of the same experiences. He has amazing, loving parents and a large, loving family. He owns his own, brand new home. He just got his first job in his career path and has been learning so much and growing as a professional. He is goofy, always prepared (overprepared even), a good planner, and so organized. He was supportive, caring, nice, genuine, honest, and strong.
I'm never going to find someone like him again. I feel like I've lost the most amazing man in the world. How the fuck did I screw this up? How did I lose someone so special? I wanted to be with him forever. This has been a huge blow to my self-esteem. I feel like I wasn't good enough to hold onto someone so great.
He constantly told me that I made him feel like he was being an asshole to me. He constantly apologized because he said that I made him feel like was extremely insecure. I wasn't trying to make him feel this way on purpose. I always tried to communicate, ask questions, and get to the bottom of why he was feeling a certain way.
The future.
It's going to be a long time until I can forgive myself. First, I understand that anyone who dumps me is going to need to justify their decision to themselves and probably is going to want me to validate or at least understand the rational basis of their decision. I didn't want him to feel justified. I feel like he made a huge mistake because he decided it was easier to give up on us than to keep putting in the hard work of a relationship. His lack of faith in us, in me, kills me. Why does he think I can't handle him at his worst? Why couldn't we just take a break instead of dumping me altogether?
I've been told there is probably someone out there who won't think my imperfections are so insufferable. Apparently, I'm now free to find a person who can accept me as I am, warts and all. I don't want that though. I'm going to be spending time alone now, for who knows how long. I want to focus on my new job and fixing up my house. I have a lot of my own medical procedures I need done. I want to focus on getting counseling and bettering myself as a person. I'm not concerned about dating anyone else.
It's going to be nightmarishly hard, but I have to work towards cultivating self-compassion for my imperfections and forgive myself for anything I might have done that contributed to the breakup.
At the end of the day, I'm not mad. Not at all. I'm heartbroken, I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm mourning. I want him to fully understand that it's okay for him to change his mind. It's okay if he realizes he's made a mistake. It's okay if he wants to try again. If nothing else, I hope that we can at least become friends. I still want to be there for him. I still want to support him. I don't want him to go through this next phase alone thinking I hate him. He is an incredibly good, amazing person facing some really difficult situations. I know he's not in a good place. I've done all I can do, said all I can say. I continue to miss him and love him so much, to the depth of my soul. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, and I selfishly hope it involves him again.
Here's to ending my rant, arms raised towards the sky, powerless, defeated. I have no control over the situation and it kills me. I can't predict the future, I can't change the past. I can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst.