Everything I Hate About You

[annortha]

Last night, I was the most angry and the most furious I had ever been in a really long time. I couldn't stop thinking about how betrayed, hurt, tricked, fooled, blinded, deceived, and used I was. It made me feel like maybe the last 9 months of my time really had been wasted by someone full of false promises and hope. Everything suddenly felt like it had been a huge lie. What hurt the most was talking to his best friend and hearing all the things he had told her instead of to my face. So here's a list of all the nasty things I wish I could tell him, write to him. Here are the reasons why he pisses me off and makes me want to punch him in the face, knock him to the ground, and ransack him in the balls with my foot.

• I hate you because you pretended to love me when you didn't really give a shit about me.
• I hate you because I told you, FROM THE BEGINNING, how I deserve to be treated. You lied to me and yourself about being able to meet my standards. You put on that fake, happy face and pretended like nothing was wrong. I invested an incredible amount of love, time, patience, and hope for absolutely nothing.
• I hate you because you turned into the very fucking thing that you hated. You turned into your nasty ex. You became a jealous, insecure, helicopter boyfriend who used me. You were self-centered and always wanted everything to be on your agenda.
• I hate you because you are so fucking fake, especially in public, to your friends and your family. That fake fucking smile and voice and attitude disgusts me. Stop trying to hide shit. Sure, I guess we had plenty of fun times together, but now I look back and wonder if every nice gesture/present/action was truly from your heart or just shit you did because it was the "correct" thing to do? Why the fuck do you live so god damn fake? Nobody wants your fake, empty promises and words. Nobody wants your shallow love and false affection. My body feels so disgusted and violated thinking about all the fake sex and love we had. 
• I hate you because you fucking hurt me so bad this month, it's absolutely unbelievable. I hope to God you never date again until you learn how to communicate, be selfless, be humble, stop living in your head, honestly appreciate your partner, and treat women right. Maybe delete all of the pictures of your ex and be ready to move on too? That's the basic fucking decency your next partner deserves.
• I hate you because you act like such a spoiled fucking brat and are so extremely selfish. You have an amazing family, rich parents, a nice house, working vehicles, a good job, and amazing pets. Yet, you throw yourself pity parties and act like you're life is falling apart. So many people would kill to have your life and you are so god damn blinded and unsatisfied. You are clearly materialistic and have no appreciation for anything real/good in life. You've never faced real adversity, you have yet to be humbled, so sit the fuck down. 
• I hate you because you can never take criticism and feedback. No one is allowed to criticize you, hold you accountable for your actions, and remind you of your flaws because it gives YOU a panic attack. When people call you out on your shit, you fall into another pity party screaming "WOE IS ME" and "I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK" and call them assholes. Fucking sucks, doesn't it? That's how the world works. Otherwise, everyone would just be shitty people and no one would grow. If you feel that fucking bad about yourself, then maybe don't date and don't have friends. No wonder people have a hard time being friends with you, because you're so god damn complicated for no reason. Maybe stop hanging out with toxic people because you are becoming kind of toxic yourself.  
• I hate you because you tell people I got jealous of your affection for your dog. You're a fucking idiot. I told you I was upset that I wasn't being treated with the kind of unconditional love and affection you gave your dog, the kind I also so deserved, as your girlfriend. You'd come home and kiss and love on your dog first without so much as looking at me, saying hi to me, hugging me, or asking how my day went. I was just a fucking afterthought, housewife object to you. That's not jealously, that's a partner asking for some fucking basic intimacy. I shouldn't have had to beg for your love.
• I hate you because you made it quite clear you never had real feelings for me.
• I hate you because you're a coward that couldn't just tell me "I don't really love you or have feelings for you and it feels forced" to my face.
• I hate you because I was clearly being used as a rebound for your ex. It's so fucking obvious you never got over her. You still have all the pictures of her on your Facebook. Let's not forget all of the nude pictures you still have of her (This is extremely wrong and not okay. Always delete those after a breakup). 
• I hate you because you clearly tried to replace your ex with me, with so many stupid traditions. 
• I hate you because you've begun un-tagging and removing yourself from photos on Facebook, pretending like I never fucking existed. You've ghosted me and just flat out don't care about talking to me ever again. 
• I hate you because the way you treated me made me feel like I was never good enough for you.
• I hate you because I always had major anxiety from the way you acted towards me, which always felt like you were extremely annoyed, irritated, or mad. You made me feel like I was such a fucking inconvenience to your life.
• I hate you because you rarely, if ever, thanked me for the millions of times I did small favors and chores for you. I felt so invisible and unappreciated. 
• I hate you because I often felt so ignored, physically/mentally/spiritually in a room. It especially got worse towards the end.
• I hate you because it felt like you didn't give a shit about my friends or family. I always invested SO much of my time being with your family at sports events, holidays, dinners, etc. You acted SO rudely about spending time with mine. Again, it was always about what you fucking wanted and your agenda. 
• I hate you because you wrongly blamed me for communication issues that were mostly your fault. You were an asshole to tell me that my anxiety made YOU feel like an insecure asshole. You always blame others for your problems.
• I hate you because you're always talking shit about your friends behind their back. You always talk about how toxic your friends and exes are. 
• I hate how BORING you became. Holy shit you were such a reclusive, old man. Just wanted to sit at home all day and do nothing. 
• I hate how negatively you think about everything.

I'm not okay with just having my heart broken and sitting in silence because you don't want to talk. I deserve to voice my feelings to you and be heard. I hope someday you read this and it fucking stabs you in the heart. It's damn time someone opens your eyes and shows you the fucking mirror to your face. You said I deserve better and not to be put through this? You're absolutely right. I really do deserve better. I don't deserve to be with someone who avoids ownership of their mistakes, avoids accountability for their behavior, and has no interest in positively improving themselves.

Maybe someday, when you feel like giving me a REAL apology, when you feel like hearing what I actually have to say, when you feel ready to talk about what went wrong and are interested in actually growing, I would actually consider friendship.

Fuck you Bryan.