Waking Up From The Illusion
Last night was an eye opening moment. A metaphor has finally been created in my mind, that of a puzzle. Each of my amazing friends have come together over the past week to hand me a puzzle piece, each with an important lesson, word of advice, helpful concept, or outside/objective perspective. Together, these puzzle pieces shattered the illusion of my rose colored glasses and revealed the true image, true perspective of my reality.
Last night was Valentine's Day. It was supposed to be a holiday I celebrated with my partner, in addition to our 6 month anniversary that was on February 7th. My good friend Bryce quickly reached out to me because he knew I was going to be hurting and really wanted to see me. I hadn't seen him since my birthday party in November. He invited me over and made me shrimp scallop fettucine alfredo with roasted broccoli for dinner. We had some mango Moscato and a cheesecake assortment for dessert. We chatted, played this really fun color palette game called "I Love Hue", and played some Mario Kart. Then he gave me an amazing back and neck massage, followed by some cuddles and watching my favorite movie Princess Bride. There were also countless conversations that really helped me figure out and work through some of my thoughts.
Wow. I feel SO loved and appreciated. I haven't felt this way in so long. I had forgotten what it's like to be held and continually squeezed. I forgot what it was like to be physically touched by someone who actually and mutually wanted to touch me, not just a quick cuddle session to appease my "need for touch." I forgot what it was liked to be kissed on my head. I forgot what it was like to be given miles and miles of genuine, happy smiles. I forgot what it was like to be looked at with complete adoration. I forgot what it was like to have my ears filled to the brim with words of affirmation about my intelligence, my beauty, my strength, my hotness, my funny quirks, and my appreciation as a friend. I forgot what it was like to have someone CRAVE me. I forgot what it was like to be treated to an absolute night of selfless love and acts of service. I forgot what it was like to be with someone who actually WANTED to do these things for me, not just performing these actions as a chore for keeping me around like feeding a pet.
I woke the fuck up.
God damn, I am SO deserving of this unconditional love and kindness. I deserve someone who loves me with all their heart, so much that they would do anything to keep me and have me. I deserve my own Wesley, like the man from Princess Bride. Someone whose eyes I get lost in, whose eyes tell me that they are so deeply fond of and connected to me. Someone who would go to the ends of the earth to make themselves stronger, better, more capable of being with me and making our relationship better. Someone who tells everyone that I am the love of their life, proudly. Whether it's metaphorically saving me from a bandit of thieves or keeping me safe from fire pits, or realistically just spending quality time with me and showing their love and appreciation everyday through small acts of kindness, that's what I deserve.
I deserve the man of my dreams, the ideal partner I wrote about in another previous journal entry. This had led me to learning another secret about life.
I don't want to go through another relationship where I feel trapped. I don't want to feel like I have a helicopter partner. I don't want them to be so insecure that I can't hang out with my guy friends, exes, or previous flings. I don't want to feel like I'm reporting my time, place, activities, arrival & departure, or people involved to a drill sergeant or parent. They have to trust me.
The key to finding your dream partner is to 100% fully believe you are worthy and deserving of them. As humans, all of our previous relations (family, friends, lovers) form a sub-conscious base for what we want in a relationship, positive or negative. That becomes our comfort zone, and it can be hard to leave something we're used to even if it's bad for us. It's tough being uncomfortable... no one likes this feeling, but ALL growth is generally uncomfortable and sometimes terrifying.
Therefore, from this point on, I'm going to be working so hard in completely changing the way I view relationships. I'm throwing everything I believed out the door and starting fresh, new. I'm going to be working on myself first to manifest the idea that I deserve to be loved, appreciated, and celebrated. I need to believe that I am so worthy of my dream partner. I will stand up for myself from this point on. I will see red flags and not look the other way. I will try not to become hypnotized by any illusion that hides negative or toxic traits and behaviors. I will enter the shadow temple, this time with my Lens of Truth, ready to see everything clearly.
Love is not supposed to be hard. Love is not about putting in immense amounts of work that leave you feeling confused, doubtful, questioning, or exhausted.
My friendship with my best friend Rachael is one example of a beautiful relationship. We've been friends since we were in middle school. Being friends is effortless, it flows like water. We don't cause each other anxiety. We fully believe, love, and celebrate one another. We crave to hang out and see each other. We're proud to call each other friends, boast about each other, and share pictures together on social media. It just feels meant to be, and that's the point of friendship. Pure joy, immense growth, always helping each other become better people. No toxicity, no negativity. Sharing our lives, our hobbies, our friends, and our time together. We share all of the same important love languages. THIS is what my romantic relationships should ALSO feel like.
I love this quote by ThirdEyeThoughts:
We think we want sex. It's not always about sex.
It's intimacy we want.
To be touched. Looked at. Admired.
Smiled at. Laugh with someone.
Feel safe. Feel like someone's really
got you.
That's what we crave.
So, thank you Bryan. Thank you for opening my eyes and teaching me one of the most incredibly important lessons of my life. Thank you for realizing that we weren't happy and making the tough decision that I couldn't manage. Thank you for setting me free. I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us. I'm sorry that we weren't compatible. I'm sorry that we couldn't meet each other's needs. You are a good person, but you have so much maturing, growing-up, self growth, and inner work that you must perform. You are about to go through some devastating moments in your life, so I wish you the absolute best and hope you can make it through to the other side. I hope you walk away from those life events with more wisdom, love, appreciation for life, and the motivation to become a better version of yourself. I couldn't be your ex, I couldn't be your therapist, I couldn't be your maid, I couldn't be your caregiver. Those are all things you must find elsewhere. It's okay to be alone and 100% self-centered to focus on your own needs and desires, especially during times that you feel like your "life is falling apart." But please, remember to never to bring someone into this reality again until you no longer feel this way. You need to learn how to trust people. You need to learn how to embrace imperfection. You need to learn about what true love is about. You need to learn how to say "whatever" more. You need to learn that nothing stays new, perfect, or clean forever. Nothing lasts forever. You need to become more secure with yourself, so that you do not project your insecurities onto others. You need to learn how to make people feel genuinely loved and appreciated when they choose you, otherwise they end up feeling "not good enough". You need to learn how to be messy and vulnerable. You need to learn how to communicate more and getting out of your head. You need to learn and remember that no one can read your mind. You need to learn about your body language and how it can negatively affect others. You need to learn how to stop shutting down in conversations. You need to learn that the other person has a whole damn other life, which means they want to spend time with their family and friends. You need to remember that the universe does NOT revolve around you. You need to learn how to care more about other people's family and friends and actually spend time with them. You need to remember to ask more questions, LOTS more. You need to remember that people don't have computer perfect memory. You need to learn how to make more friends who actually add value to your life instead of taking value away. You, in general, need to learn how to make friends again. You need to learn that communities are ever flowing entities with people constantly entering and leaving. You need to learn that you are not a burden to other people and that they don't automatically hate you. You need to remember that all of your anxiety ridden thoughts are mostly not true, but you never bother to ask and makes thousands of negative assumptions. You need to learn how to let go of your past failures and relationships. You need to stop getting annoyed at people for doing things their way and not your way all of the time. If you cannot do these things, please spare others this pain until you can, until you truly feel like you actually want to love someone. You weren't ready for another relationship so soon. You need to remember that the reality in your head has become so far removed from reality, that you don't truly understand what is actually happening outside your head.
No one can save you but yourself. Still, I hope we can be friends someday.