I Was Just a Rebound
It's taken some time to analyze everything, which my brain can't stop doing. Countless conversations, countless reminiscing. I think I wanted the relationship to work so bad that I couldn't notice my rose colored glasses and didn't want to take them off.
The things he couldn't let go.
Looking back, I noticed some instances that seemed kind of weird. I brushed them off as him still healing. This is true, but I didn't see the possible negative aspect these instances. For example, he told me that he used to have Taco Tuesday every night with his ex and wanted to continue this tradition. I asked him if he knew how to make them, and he replied by saying that he still had her recipe. Hmm. It was a little weird using her recipe, but I went ahead and did it for him. We made the tacos a few Tuesdays, but ultimately we stopped because he wouldn't eat the leftovers and I got tired of wasting food.
One day asked me to check his back for acne. He also checked mine. Then a weird tradition began of checking each other's backs. One time I saw a scar on his back and asked about it. He told me that his ex also used to check his back and take care of blemishes and worked too hard on one spot. Then I knew, I was being replaced in another activity.
I also noticed that he never deleted any of the pictures of her. I don't know how to feel about this, because I also don't really delete pictures. It's not because I can't get over people, but I still like to look through my life and enjoy the memories I made with past people. I gave him this pass no problem. However... accidentally came across some NSFW pics of her one time on his computer. That was not okay and people should definitely delete those after a relationship ends, for the respect and privacy of the other individual. He claimed that he "forgot" they were on there.
He seemed upset that I didn't do some of the things she apparently used to do. This included taking cute/sexy photos and sending them to him and other things along those lines. Thing is, he never communicated that he was interested in those. I think maybe he was upset that I was more of a cat person than a dog person like her?
He never wanted to really take pictures together, or show me off online to family and friends. I look through his profile and see tons of selfies that they took together all of the time. At the beginning of the relationship, he said that he no longer wanted to practice this action. I sort of half-heartedly agreed. Right there and then I should have known that was something I wasn't going to be okay with. It wasn't in my last relationship and I had trouble sticking up for myself and saying no. It hurt, knowing he did this with his ex and not me. He hardly ever posted pictures of me online, only shared a few in the beginning. In essence, it felt like he never really wanted to make it appear like he was with a new partner on his social media.
He shut down, a lot. It felt like he was expecting me to yell at him and call him names. I never did any of that, I always tried to calmly converse things and open him back up when he tried to shut down. His reactions in our relationship almost felt old habits, and then he seemed confused and distraught when things didn't become negative like they always had in the past. It's almost like an animal, examined using the ABC Model of Behavior:
A= Antecedent: cue, signal, sign, word or condition that influence the occurrence of the behavior. Basically, it's what happens right before the behavior is performed.
B= Behavior: any action that can be quantified or qualified. Basically, it's the actual performance of an activity.
C= Consequence: outcome that occurs immediately following the behavior. Basically, it's what happens right after the behavior is performed.
What do I mean by this? I think basically, if he got into some kind of argument (the cue being that they were disagreeing and mad), her behavior may have turned toxic and involved yelling or name calling. The consequence was him shutting down and giving unthoughtful, short, and meaningless apologies or insults to himself.
I'll add more later as I think of instances.
In summary, I think he finally began to realize that he will never replace his ex. I was never going to be like her. I wish he had realized it before getting into another relationship and hurting me. I am, indeed, very hurt and disappointed.